Mum wants money back for education

[ssalvato]

So my mum and dad gave me money that they specifically stated needed to be paid off for a house and a car. I have spent the last 5.5 years paying this off and am so happy that I have now paid it off to the tune of £10,000. With that done, I call my mum and say I've paid off my debts, I don't really want to be paying money into your account until the end of time. Plus the fact that I am finishing up a phd and am short on cash now. I'm not earning money and my husband has just lost his job.

She turns round and says, well your father (who died in July) gave you £14k for your Oxford education. YOu need to pay your debts. I reply, I didn't think that was a debt. She said, as your parents, we didn't insist you pay it, it was just assumed that you would pay it back! It was money for my education, isn't it what parents do.

That said, yes they gave me a thousand here and a thousand there through uni but isn't that what parents do? I took out loans to fund myself and worked through most of it. So now I am thinking I am done paying, she brings up this 'debt' that has never been mentioned before.

I did say to her, "i'll see you right", meaning when I am earning I will make sure I look after you. Thinks are more complicated by the fact that my husband does not get on with my mother and my mother hates him and blames him for everything. He doesn't want our money to be perpeptually going into her account for a debt that was money for education. The problems I have:

1. She has got me questioning what the terms of that money were. Was it a loan? I'm pretty sure they said we will pay for it, I know you'll see us right. Rather than, you can pay us back when you are rich! Either way there was no formality over the payment.

1. Should I pay her perpeptually? If I do, I am acknowleding that this is something that specifically needs to be paid and will take me years and years.

1. When I told her I didn't have the money to pay, she automatically jumped to the fact that my husband was to blame. She didn't once ask whether things were ok financially.

1. I want to help her out. I acknowledge her and my father's contribution, but should I feel endebted to her? Should I feel like I owe it to her?

1. Am I being harsh? Should I just keep paying her?

I don't know what to do. Part of me thinks I should pay her, but I can't afford to right now. Additionally, isn't it a parent's job/desire to help out their children? Should they expect it back? Is it wrong of her to feel entitled to regular financial payments?

SSalvato

I know what Judge Judy woukd say. If you were not told it was a loan or if if you did not ask to borrow it, it was a gift.

Judgement for the defendant. Bangs gavel and leaves courtroom.

there is no obligation on any parent to support adult children through uni.

You're right there isn't, but there are 3 options as far as I can see.

1. Give your child money to help them through uni.

2. Loan your child money to help them through uni, but make it absolutely clear that it is a loan.

3. Don't give them anything and let them decide how they will fund it.

All perfectly valid, but that's not what the OP's parents did is it? Or at least that's not what her mum has said. If the dad was still here he may well have a very different story to tell. Since he never mentioned a loan between uni and when he died, I suspect that it was always a loan.

sorry gift not loan

they made the deposit a loan very clearly and you've paid that off accordingly.

they never made the uni hand-outs a loan, they were gifts and so accordingly there is no obligation. morally maybe. but given the breakdown of your relationship and your financial situation you just can't accept that debt.

i personally think education is part of my obligation as a parent and wouldn't expect my kids to pay me back. i think your dad felt the same.

it goes in the same bucket as looking after each other. just as when she's elderly you will help her. but at the moment you are both adults, and there is no obligation on your part to continue payments into her account.

for such a sizeable loan / debt i would imagine that there would have been references to it over the years. given that she's just brought it up now for the first time implies that she views you as a bit of a cash cow and is looking for ways to extract more cash.

Nurseywursey are you an economist?

Gobsmacked at all the posters suggesting parents should claim back all the costs they have spent on their dcs while in education.

Great. I will be invoicing my dcs as soon as they are working, for:
-all board and lodging costs since they were 12
-all travel costs and Mum taxi rides, holidays and outings
-laundry, household wear and tear, breakages and damage

• all my labour (generously charging at minimum wage level only)
• all pocket money, allowances and odd cash gifts here and there.

Of course, i didn't tell them specifically that all this was a loan but they are ungrateful wretches if they don't see that it's only fair. I guess that will add up to a few hundred grand and be suffieicent to keep me comfortable throughout my old age. Lovely.

OP YANBU - I would be devastated and hurt if my parents sprung this on me. Tell your mum that you are hurt. Tell her you can't pay at the moment and ensure she understands how springing this on you is pushing you apart, not keeping you in the Uk and beholden to her.

I think there's only one poster suggesting that Betty

Most of my friends had rent paid for them by their parents. The OP hasn't said it was rent. It sounded like cash handouts of £1k or more.

It doesn't matter what the 14k was for. FYI student loans barely cover living costs especially in London/South East, let alone food, books, course equipment or field trips etc. Yes, Op's parents were under no obligation to give her this money but they did. I find it completely bizarre that you are that you're the lone voice in this thread who thinks Op has been entitled.

Luckily I managed to put myself through uni with only my student loans. I worked.

Is that why your reading comprehension is so bad, rainbow?

OP, you don't 'owe' your mother £14k, on any reasonable view. Don't give her money.

Why only from the age of 12 Betty ? My DD is oy 1 and has got through an amazing amount of nappies already. I am calculating the costs now, she is going to have a pretty big bill coming her way. I think I will give it to her after nap time, don't want her growing up all entitled.

What NurseyWursey said about student loans was correct, and is public knowledge.

rainbow you are wrong. I am sorry that you were unlucky that your parents were unable or unwilling to help you through uni (maybe you got a bigger government loan/grant because of this?). However you must realise that many parents do (and many of your friends' parents paid their university rent, as you mentioned earlier). So it is generally considered normal for parents to help, and like others have said, the government assumes parents will be assisting.

The OP's mother is not struggling. And the main thing is, if it was meant as a loan this should have been made clear at the time.

Even the government think it is the parents' responsibility to financially support their children at uni if they can afford to. This is why student loans and grants are means tested based on parental income unless estranged.

Op this will never end. It's sad but I would back away slowly if I were you.

I think your parents were wrong not to make the terms of their loan? clear to you.
I also agree there seems to be a control issue here and the fact she doesn't like your dh.

However, those suggesting its a parents responsibility to pay for uni, not necessarily. Those that can't afford don't pay and some that can afford refuse to pay. Some parents believe their adult off spring should fund themselves. It depends what camp you fall into, but it is by no means the responsibility of the parent.

Nurseywursey are you an economist?

Sorry what? What is that supposed to mean? All I've said makes perfect sense. You're being obtuse.

My folks weren't able to help me through uni and so I got something in the region of £14k in a combination of loans and grants to keep me through my 4 years. This was in Glasgow in the 90s.
OP I would imagine that your access to funds for Oxford more than 10 years later would be greater than £14. Add up all the bursaries, awards and government funding you could have applied for if you had been aware that your parents hadn't been contributing to your university costs and ask for the difference back from your mum, that'll stop this carry on.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

Rainbow would you not give money to your children? Would you expect them to pay it back?

Morethan, I sort of agree with you but the issue here isn't that the OP was given money to support her, its that her mother has decided it has to be paid back 8 years after the fact. Had she known at the time she could have looked at all her options but she wasn't afforded that opportunity.

I think you should ask your mother to tell you exactly how much money she claims you owe her.

Then tell her to deduct it from your inheritance.

This is unreal, I wouldn't dream of treating a child of mine like this.
I would repay the money back but I would also be telling mum to forget all about me, if she prefers money to a good relationship with me, then she good bye.

You aren't supposed to work at Oxford by the way. I had interviews (didn't get in ) and this was stipulated at the college I applied to.

God how awful of her. Sorry if this sounds mad/insensitive but I wonder if it is to do with her grieving for your dad? When my dad died, my mum became very grasping and horrid, sometimes about money (understandably but very traumatising for us DC who were also grieving).

I believe it was because she felt the world literally 'owed' her for having taken away her husband (he was very young to die). Her 4 DCs were the ones she had most power over so we took the brunt of it emotionally and sometimes financially.

I agree with Yellow -she is relying on this income and doesnt want to lose it so has now decided to call it a loan.
I would put money on her having debts she cant pay.

The only odd bit is you saying I don't want to be paying into your account until the end of time
Why wouldn't you just inform her you have paid the last instalment and leave it at that?

Gobsmacked at the suggestion that op's mum is struggling! She's just bought a second house, I don't think the 14K is a financial issue at al..

Of course it was a gift! Would do the same for my kids and fully intend to.

This is all about control.