Mum wants money back for education

[ssalvato]

So my mum and dad gave me money that they specifically stated needed to be paid off for a house and a car. I have spent the last 5.5 years paying this off and am so happy that I have now paid it off to the tune of £10,000. With that done, I call my mum and say I've paid off my debts, I don't really want to be paying money into your account until the end of time. Plus the fact that I am finishing up a phd and am short on cash now. I'm not earning money and my husband has just lost his job.

She turns round and says, well your father (who died in July) gave you £14k for your Oxford education. YOu need to pay your debts. I reply, I didn't think that was a debt. She said, as your parents, we didn't insist you pay it, it was just assumed that you would pay it back! It was money for my education, isn't it what parents do.

That said, yes they gave me a thousand here and a thousand there through uni but isn't that what parents do? I took out loans to fund myself and worked through most of it. So now I am thinking I am done paying, she brings up this 'debt' that has never been mentioned before.

I did say to her, "i'll see you right", meaning when I am earning I will make sure I look after you. Thinks are more complicated by the fact that my husband does not get on with my mother and my mother hates him and blames him for everything. He doesn't want our money to be perpeptually going into her account for a debt that was money for education. The problems I have:

1. She has got me questioning what the terms of that money were. Was it a loan? I'm pretty sure they said we will pay for it, I know you'll see us right. Rather than, you can pay us back when you are rich! Either way there was no formality over the payment.

1. Should I pay her perpeptually? If I do, I am acknowleding that this is something that specifically needs to be paid and will take me years and years.

1. When I told her I didn't have the money to pay, she automatically jumped to the fact that my husband was to blame. She didn't once ask whether things were ok financially.

1. I want to help her out. I acknowledge her and my father's contribution, but should I feel endebted to her? Should I feel like I owe it to her?

1. Am I being harsh? Should I just keep paying her?

I don't know what to do. Part of me thinks I should pay her, but I can't afford to right now. Additionally, isn't it a parent's job/desire to help out their children? Should they expect it back? Is it wrong of her to feel entitled to regular financial payments?

SSalvato

www.theguardian.com/news/datablog/2013/jan/24/cost-to-raise-a-child-compared-to-decade-ago

In here is rough guide to how much it costs to raise a child. Should you commit to the 14k then this amount is what you may expect to end up being asked to stump up with as it appears your mother has decided you will have to refund her for you entire existence.
Its not really about the money though she seems to be blaming you for something and is trying to exact restitution from you.

As far as education being a gift and not a right, even if it is university education. Its attitudes like that which have resulted in the devaluing of our entire education system.

Tick the box that applies:

1. Your Mum is used to the income and wants to retain it (you have established already she isn't poor) and is using this reason as a means

1. She is using this as means to disparage your DH

1. It's a reaction to your intended move abroad and is a means of both emotional and financial blackmail to prevent this

1. All of the above.

There is no option "this was a loan and you have a moral obligation to pay this back" - because it wasn't.

Regardless of options above what do you do about it? Well nothing. It wasn't a loan and even if it had been you can't afford to repay it.

Even if you could afford it why would you? There is no reaction to any of the above other than "get a grip mother and stop trying to bully me - it won't wash".

We are helping DD through uni. It is eating into our savings drastically, but we will continue to do it. Because we love her, and I think any decent parent should help their child through uni, if they possibly can. Would also give financial help maybe for other situations later on in life, if appropriate (not if she is earning more than us, though!)

That's what parents do. If it was intended as a loan that should have been made clear at the time. The OP's M obviously doesn't need the money anyway, if she has just bought a second house (buy to let? holiday home?).

She is changing the rules years later to suit herself and hasn't got a leg to stand on. Like others say, I wonder if it is about trying to stop the OP moving to the US? I would be very sad if DD did that, but then it doesn't sound in this case as if OP and her DM are that close?

I have a great relationship with my mum. I don't take money from her. She brought me up to be independent. If I took £14k from her I'd pay her it back when I could because I love her and respect her and because I would feel a moral obligation.

I'd be so grateful for her help I'd be glad to. The sense of entitlement makes me feel a bit sick.

Luckily I managed to put myself through uni with only my student loans. I worked.

And I know lots of people who saved before embarking on a PhD.

The idea that my parents should struggle so I can spend is an anathema.

And the 14k was not fees. The OP still hasn't said what it was for and in what way it was handed over.

Are you an only child op cause its coming across you are.I f your not then just set it off all teh babysitting you have done

Of course you don't owe her anything more. She can't decide now that something given eight years ago as a gift is now a loan. This is about her not liking your DH and your plans for the future, not about money. I think you should stand strong with your DH and refuse to be bullied. You are an adult now.

Rainbowsmiles are you reading this thread?? The £14k was a gift. The OP's mum is not "struggling". And OP does not come across as entitled in the slightest, the opposite in fact. Your selective attitude to the thread and smugness are not helpful.

rainbowsmiles the OP's mother isn't struggling, though. And while you talk about the bond with parents, my life improved dramatically after my mother died, I do not miss her. Parent and child relationships are not always disney.

OP - It's the way that it suddenly changed from a loan to a gift that would make me re-evaluate things. It does sound like she will find a reason for you to make payments no matter what. Good luck.

Rainbowsmiles the OP could have got her own student loan that would have been much easier to pay off over a long time rather than get one from her parents, she was never told it was a loan.

If you loan someone money you make sure they know it's a loan. Fact of the matter is this wasn't a loan, the mother has just decided to turn it into one. Dispicable. The mother should be ashamed.

If there is anything to salvage I'd sit her down and say a straight no, I cannot and will not pay you, I hadn't known it was a loan and if I had, I may have been able to get other funding and please don't bring it up again if you value our future relationship. That said, does she have any valid reasons not to like your dh? I hope he has plans to get another job soon...otherwise she just sounds toxic and you need to set very clear boundaries with her

Oh this is terrible! No parent should expect to be paid back for something like education. If you're struggling and your dc is loaded, ask for help, not repayment. It's emotional blackmail and extortion!

Oh dear, well I'd better tell all of my DCs that they need to get saving fast if any of them ever want to go to uni then . Unless they have the full cost available to them at the outset they are clearing "living beyond their means"! For heaven's sake - lots & lots of parents fund their DCs education as much as they can afford to. OP's mum will be asking for her primary school lunch money back next .

btw I agree with being there for your parents if they actually need you. I did my duty to my mother to the end, and my father lives with us (though a better relationship!). In a few weeks time my uncle should be moving into a local residential home and I will be running around crazy after him.

But you don't repay a gift when someone moves the goalposts to say it was a loan. My view, looking at my ds, is that he owes me absolutely nothing My job, my duty, is to get him the best possible start in life that I can manage. It is up to me to sacrifice for him. He owes me zilch from that except to do the same for his own children should he have any. I am not sending him out into the world with a weight around his neck.

Actually the op did take out loans and I haven't heard her mum add any interest to the £14k so I'm not sure how the terms could be better.

It is only the OPs opinion that her mother isn't struggling certainly not her mother's opinion.

There was no expression that the money was gifted, indeed the op would comment that her parents should not worry and that she would see them right whenever money was given.

The odd £50 here and there as and when is completely different to £1000 maybe 14 times.

I have to say I'd be pretty ashamed of myself if my mum had to ask me at all. It would be harder for my mum to ever ask for it. If I'd had that kind of cash I'd have brought it up myself.

The idea that parents putting adult children through uni is equivalent to raising them to adulthood is barmey.

OP, my dad paid for my living costs at uni for 4 years. He has never asked for it back. He saw it absolutely as "something parents do."

Try asking your mum to prove that it was a loan?

Rainbow, are you posting from outside the UK? In the UK, students are assessed for financial support based on their parents' income. The government certainly assumes that parents will support their adult children at uni.

Well Gold Star for you rainbow.

My daughter is not even remotely entitled. She would love to be independent, but it's just not possible, even with a student loan and a job (yes she does work). We give the money freely and with love and I'm proud of that and of my daughter.

The OP's dad chose to fund his daughter's education. Good for him.

There was no agreement it was a loan either Rainbowsmiles and anyone would therefore assume it was a gift. Of course there isn't interest on a gift. And the OP's "opinion" that her mum isn't struggling is based on the fact she has just bought a second home. There is no obligation on her to repay anything, none at all.

YANBU! You should not pay back your uni fees! Your mum sounds nuts!!!

By the way the student loan doesn't even cover her rent, let alone food. As thesecows said, the government decided, through the loan scheme, that we were well enough off to give her financial support, so that's what we do.

The 14K was never specified to you directly as a loan by these people so it is not a loan. You've already paid back the money that both you and she regarded as a loan so there is no further obligation to you here now to keep paying out.

If it wasn't given as a loan then what is she on about, she sounds unhinged and like she is trying to control you with money.

She will be asking for the money for all the nappies you shat in as a baby next!

No I'm posting from within the uk. I'm fully aware of the situation, however, there is no obligation on any parent to support adult children through uni.

Most of my friends had rent paid for them by their parents. The OP hasn't said it was rent. It sounded like cash handouts of £1k or more.

Anyway I am glad I didn't take money from my parents.

Sorry if my eyes remain dry OP sounds to me like your parents have given you the best start possible.

Actually the op did take out loans and I haven't heard her mum add any interest to the £14k so I'm not sure how the terms could be better

Erm really?

Student loans, take buttons straight from your wage each month when you're over a certain wage.. most people don't end up paying them off in full.

14k to a family member would mean a huge chunk each month and you'd most definitely have to pay it all off as quickly as possible.

If the OP had been told it would have been a loan, she may have not even gone to university. But the fact is she wasn't told, because originally it was never meant to be a loan.

There is no loan. It was given, not loaned. There is nothing to pay back, no moral obligation, it was a gift.

Emigrating to the US is relatively cheap and easy if your spouse is American and you are in good health and you will usually be free to seek employment as soon as you land on your visa.

There is no loan to pay back. You need to tell your mother that.