Mum wants money back for education

[ssalvato]

So my mum and dad gave me money that they specifically stated needed to be paid off for a house and a car. I have spent the last 5.5 years paying this off and am so happy that I have now paid it off to the tune of £10,000. With that done, I call my mum and say I've paid off my debts, I don't really want to be paying money into your account until the end of time. Plus the fact that I am finishing up a phd and am short on cash now. I'm not earning money and my husband has just lost his job.

She turns round and says, well your father (who died in July) gave you £14k for your Oxford education. YOu need to pay your debts. I reply, I didn't think that was a debt. She said, as your parents, we didn't insist you pay it, it was just assumed that you would pay it back! It was money for my education, isn't it what parents do.

That said, yes they gave me a thousand here and a thousand there through uni but isn't that what parents do? I took out loans to fund myself and worked through most of it. So now I am thinking I am done paying, she brings up this 'debt' that has never been mentioned before.

I did say to her, "i'll see you right", meaning when I am earning I will make sure I look after you. Thinks are more complicated by the fact that my husband does not get on with my mother and my mother hates him and blames him for everything. He doesn't want our money to be perpeptually going into her account for a debt that was money for education. The problems I have:

1. She has got me questioning what the terms of that money were. Was it a loan? I'm pretty sure they said we will pay for it, I know you'll see us right. Rather than, you can pay us back when you are rich! Either way there was no formality over the payment.

1. Should I pay her perpeptually? If I do, I am acknowleding that this is something that specifically needs to be paid and will take me years and years.

1. When I told her I didn't have the money to pay, she automatically jumped to the fact that my husband was to blame. She didn't once ask whether things were ok financially.

1. I want to help her out. I acknowledge her and my father's contribution, but should I feel endebted to her? Should I feel like I owe it to her?

1. Am I being harsh? Should I just keep paying her?

I don't know what to do. Part of me thinks I should pay her, but I can't afford to right now. Additionally, isn't it a parent's job/desire to help out their children? Should they expect it back? Is it wrong of her to feel entitled to regular financial payments?

SSalvato

"I would hate to be a parent who couldn't afford uni for their kids reading this."

Why? If you were a low income family then maintenance grants and bursaries would be available.

OP, I agree with you I do think it is very sad. I hope you can find a way through it without the relationship with your mum disintegrating.

From what you have said I wonder whether your mum's mental health isn't in a bit of a state, the way that her attitude has changed toward you, recent bereavement, prospect of you emigrating etc.

One of your comments did make me think perhaps you had assumed too much..."It was money for my education, isn't it what parents do", well, maybe. £14k is a lot of money, I don't think I could have accepted a sum of that size without being clear whether it was a gift or a loan.

I just don't think you can so readily dismiss the opinion of the mum given she is the only other party involved and she has a totally different point of view.

The mum hasn't posted on this thread, so we don't know anything except op's opinion. Trying to project doesn't help at all. Mum's actions do not equal mum's movitation/opinion.

OP Do you have any siblings? In my case we sort of take turns to stand up to/ignore our mother's controlling behaviour. It's bloody difficult though.

You can tell her that you weren't aware it was a loan. Who gave you the money and was it your df? My parents often gave me cash to help out, and never once was it a loan. When I said I'll pay you back, they said no, its to help you.

Your dm is all about control. Maybe she thinks your dh is a cocklodger and she is putting it all into an account for you. I don't know.

Its time for a frank discussion with her, that's for sure.

tbh you sound as bad as your mum - shes skint but has bought a second house and your skint but your buying a second house too - so much for having nothing... just give her the money back and be done with it - you sound greedy!

Thecowsaresmall is not just low income families Who qualify for support who can't afford to support uni education.

Expat, no just always surprised at how personal you make things.

I genuinely can't understand why you all can't see the large gaping holes in the ops account which allow great room for dubiety. It's like someone tells you what happened and your all, yeah that is exactly what happened.

And the anger towards anyone who says, yeah you know I'm not sure that's exactly what did happen.

And nurserywursey there is no better loan than a loan which is not legally enforceable.

My PILS did this to my DH when he told them that we were getting married and they didnt agree. They told him that he was due them all the money back that they had given him whilst he was at uni, as he hadnt ever contributed to the household. They didnt allow him to get a job whilst he was studying.
Sadly no contact was the only way forward, they reappeared when our daughter was born. its a massive control thing, and the only way is to refuse to be manipulated

'Expat, no just always surprised at how personal you make things. '

LOL. Pot.kettle.black.

I respond to particular posters on a chat board. Imagine that?

Okay expat okay

expat I can say I've found none of your posts getting personal

Have a

I haven't seen where expat has been personal at all.

Where is the OP?! Come back! We need to know how much you have been paying/month, and is there any chance that the amount is equivalent to what she's paying in mortgage on the second home?

Tell me about these gaping holes.

fireside

Oh Lord that would be far too much like being at work. Just read through with a critical eye and an open mind. Try it, look for the holes and try seeing it from the old mum's pov.

exactly Nursey

I wonder if your mother thinks by calling in this "loan" it will halt the move to America? Sounds like a stick she will be beating you with for the rest of her life. Sad.

Your mother chose to have children and they cost money... and they owe their parents nothing.

Your mother needs to get a grip.

peggyundercrackers that's not a solution: 'just give her the money back and have done with it' - even if OP did this, would it heal their relationship?

I think your comment says more about the way you feel life has treated you than about the situation here.

It's not 'greedy' of OP to be upset about this sudden change of tune, especially as it is linked to her mother's emotional blackmail re moving to US.

Your mother likely feels that you're slipping out of her control and is trying to reel you back in. I'll lay odds that if you, somehow, managed to right away find this money and give it to her, she'd start on 'blackmail via will' and talking about 'your children's inheritance'.

She just wants to control your life, I think. Ignore her, tell her to get raffled on the money (politely) and leave for the States with a good heart. I don't think you've much hope of salvaging any decent relationship but then going NC with a parent who is bad news won't hurt you that much.

Shocked by some of the views on here. My parents supported me through uni and I didn't expect otherwise (they could afford it easily). They also bought me a flat and we split the profits (in my favour). This helped me buy a house.

As an adult I have borrowed from them but that's been quite explicit and paid back. There was never any question of what was payable and what wasn't. After all, a five year old costs money and does not generally generate income. The cut of point is different for many people. Cousins lived with (exasperated) parents until almost 30, supported. I was partially supported until age 23 when I stopped studying and got a decent job.

Ultimately, if you went to uni thinking it wasn't a loan and your parents could readily afford to send you to Oxford, YAN at all U. My parents and I are very very clear what is a loan and what is a gift.

BuggersMuddle I think your post exemplifies what I am aiming to achieve with my DCs.

I always felt my parents were less than clear about finances. I never felt I knew what I could ask for and what I couldnt.