Mum wants money back for education

[ssalvato]

So my mum and dad gave me money that they specifically stated needed to be paid off for a house and a car. I have spent the last 5.5 years paying this off and am so happy that I have now paid it off to the tune of £10,000. With that done, I call my mum and say I've paid off my debts, I don't really want to be paying money into your account until the end of time. Plus the fact that I am finishing up a phd and am short on cash now. I'm not earning money and my husband has just lost his job.

She turns round and says, well your father (who died in July) gave you £14k for your Oxford education. YOu need to pay your debts. I reply, I didn't think that was a debt. She said, as your parents, we didn't insist you pay it, it was just assumed that you would pay it back! It was money for my education, isn't it what parents do.

That said, yes they gave me a thousand here and a thousand there through uni but isn't that what parents do? I took out loans to fund myself and worked through most of it. So now I am thinking I am done paying, she brings up this 'debt' that has never been mentioned before.

I did say to her, "i'll see you right", meaning when I am earning I will make sure I look after you. Thinks are more complicated by the fact that my husband does not get on with my mother and my mother hates him and blames him for everything. He doesn't want our money to be perpeptually going into her account for a debt that was money for education. The problems I have:

1. She has got me questioning what the terms of that money were. Was it a loan? I'm pretty sure they said we will pay for it, I know you'll see us right. Rather than, you can pay us back when you are rich! Either way there was no formality over the payment.

1. Should I pay her perpeptually? If I do, I am acknowleding that this is something that specifically needs to be paid and will take me years and years.

1. When I told her I didn't have the money to pay, she automatically jumped to the fact that my husband was to blame. She didn't once ask whether things were ok financially.

1. I want to help her out. I acknowledge her and my father's contribution, but should I feel endebted to her? Should I feel like I owe it to her?

1. Am I being harsh? Should I just keep paying her?

I don't know what to do. Part of me thinks I should pay her, but I can't afford to right now. Additionally, isn't it a parent's job/desire to help out their children? Should they expect it back? Is it wrong of her to feel entitled to regular financial payments?

SSalvato

WeAre I agree. All about control. OP's mum probably doesn't really understand herself why she suddenly wants this money back - but it feels like something I recognise. Very destructive and sad.

Yes, and I think the points about the mum grieving, angry and lashing out are very possible too.

Given your mum has just bought a second home, I'm wondering why you ever said you would try to support her [financially] when you could, OP. Buy her a car? Are you (or is she) having a larf? Why would you need to do that for her? You seem to be carrying a big burden of guilt about your mum.

Could she have fallen off a financial cliff since your dad died? It doesn't sound like she's ever dealt with the household finances before.

But whatever the reason, I think you are right to suspect that she is always going to find something else that she thinks you owe. Knock it on the head pronto.

Tbh OP Id say "take me to court" and then walk away.

what kind of mother treats her daughter like this?

Well maybe just maybe the op did encourage her father to believe it was a loan but just never mentioned it again knowing that her dad would never ask for the money back.

Maybe this was the source of upset to the mother for years. Our maybe the dad always told the mum that it was a loan.

I know of two such "arrangements" where the implication was certainly there that they would pay the money back when they were in a better financial position. The two I know just don't bring it up. The parents don't want to so it just festers away.

Such an odd idea that adult children should be self sufficient and not reliant financially on parents. Crazy.......

And nurserywursey the terms of this loan is so extraordinarily better than any other loan available to students ie there is no legal obligation to repay:)

Oh and my parents couldn't afford to put me through uni so I got a job then put myself through when I could afford to.

I suppose my parents could have got into more debt or taken on extra hours so I could go to uni 3 years earlier but it really wasn't necessary.

I'm glad I don't have a sense of entitlement it was a good gift my parents gave me and one which I hope I pass on to my children.

That speculation is at odds with everything the OP has posted, though.

That's a hell of a lot of maybes in there. Including the assumption that paying for your children to go through Uni will always land you in debt.

Lets try dealing with facts a little more, shall we?

If you don't earn enough, you don't repay a student loan.

Apart from the big annoying point that her mum did see it as a loan and wants it back.... The mum has assumed until very recently it was all being repaid...It had only come up because the payments stopped

"Such an odd idea that adult children should be self sufficient and not reliant financially on parents. Crazy......."

They can be - they can go into full time employment and earn a wage.

Or, with the support of their parents, they can continue in education a bit longer, and hope to earn a better wage as graduates.

Also, as a PP has pointed out, Oxford asks its students not to work during term, which makes it a bit more difficult to work yourself through uni.

rainbow you seem to be making many more assumptions about what happened than the rest of us. It seems to suit your world view that it was always a loan when everything about it suggests that it was a gift.

You do know how the current loans system works, don't you? We had to fill in forms telling the loan company what our income was. Based on that she got the absolute minimum loan, which won't even cover basic accommodation. Children from less well off families get a larger loan. The government seems to agree with most of us on here that parents are required to help their children if they can.

You seem disproportionately bothered by the fact that some, if not most, parents will do everything they can to ensure that their children get a good start in life. I think I will stick with my way thanks very much.

Lot of projecting going on here, rainbow, and frankly you are coming across as rather jealous and spiteful of those whose parents willing give them support in adulthood.

The OP was never told it was a loan. The mum can want all she wants, it's not a loan, she changed the goalposts, knows it, and there's FA she can do about it.

There is no debt.

Yeah... You don't know the mum saw it as a loan in the beginning.

We do know that it was never made clear at the start to op that this was a loan whereas the other 10K was a clearly loan and now repaid. If op didn't know this then, at best, things were never clearly stated in the start and at worse, op's mum is changing the goal posts.

I agree with expat. Rainbowsmiles seems quite an ironic nn.

Expat but you see the OPs mum, the only other person party to the arrangement disagrees with you re the loan. Glad your so sure of her mum's nasty intentions. I can't be. I can only try and imagine other possibilities. The op certainly doesn't need any more "hang the witch" type posts.

I would hate to be a parent who couldn't afford uni for their kids reading this.

'Expat but you see the OPs mum, the only other person party to the arrangement disagrees with you re the loan.'

That's neither here nor there because the OP was not aware it was a loan and paid back the monies she knew were loaned. There was no loan agreement.

There is therefore no money owed and no debt. I have never been nasty or hang the witch regarding the mother, but stuck to the fact that the OP was never aware this was a loan, there is therefore no money owed or debt.

I'm a person who cannot afford to send my children to university and don't find this thread upsetting in the least.

If I could afford to give my children money in adulthood I will be more than happy to.

Expat that is your view. I have mine. Why so nasty?

There's "imagining possibilities" and then there's making things up.

Of course some families can't afford to financially support their student children and that's fine, but having a go at those who can is starting to sound a tad bitter.

Anyway I can see that we aren't going to agree, so that's that then.

Do you see everyone who disagrees with you as 'nasty'? Best of luck on this site if that's the case.

And nurserywursey the terms of this loan is so extraordinarily better than any other loan available to students ie there is no legal obligation to repay

Sorry but myself and others would beg to disagree.

You can bang on about obligation and entitlement all you like, of course it would be entitled to simply assume your parents would pay, or to not pay it back if it WERE a loan.

But that isn't the case here. It was a gift. Get it through your head. It is the mother who has now decided she would like some extra income and has gone back on that gift.

I'm not in the least bit bitter. I just don't think you can so readily dismiss the opinion of the mum given she is the only other party involved and she has a totally different point of view.

The OP's parents had 8 YEARS, 8 YEARS!!! to call it a loan. They didn't because it was never a loan!

OP - just out of interest, what would your DM do if you just ignored this new request of education money to be paid back? It does sound like a control issue to me and I think you have to figure out to deal with that especially as you are not earning and your DH has been made redundant.

I'm curious: how much have you been paying every month? And how much is she suggesting now?