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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Wwyd - dp looking at beautiful women

266 replies

boomoohoo · 05/03/2014 16:32

By beautiful I mean that perfect, unattainable look. Soft porn style.

I am hurt and upset, and disappointed. He doesn't get it at all, and thinks him looking at them does not detract how he feels about me.

How would u feel?

I didn't think he was like this - I'm a feminist and thought he was too.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/03/2014 18:23

Deelite, your groove really is in the heart Grin Wink

Lweji · 06/03/2014 18:33

Having a couple of days not talking?
What do you think that would achieve?

If it bothers you, you should bring it up. Otherwise I suspect he thinks the matter is resolved.

CaptainHindsight · 06/03/2014 18:46

Am I missing something? I have many male friends and I don't think I have seen an FHM around since our college days?

I thought its target audience was teen boys? Am I wrong?

I do happen to be the acquaintance of a glamour model (FOAF type scenario) she was more than happy to show me her original photographs with chub rolls, corned beef skin et all and then the finished product. Remarkable actually, perhaps that's where the art is?

Botanicbaby · 06/03/2014 18:57

Maybe the OP's partner could look at male pictures of perfection as well then if its all just bloody "art".

The problem here is that his behaviour, which is immature, is impacting on the relationship. The OP sees him in a different light now. It would knock most people's confidence/self-esteem if their partner had a "need" to look at pictures of so-called perfection.

OP I don't think you should bottle it up for a few days and not speak to each other. You need to decide whether he really is for you or not. He's already said he won't stop doing it but seems to want things to continue as usual. If it wasn't so childish, I'd be tempted to play him at his own game and develop an interest in "art". Perfect, naked men.

Fairenuff · 06/03/2014 19:01

He won't bring it up to talk about (is currently in his shed) should I? Or should we have a couple days not talking?

If you have a couple of days not talking, what will that achieve? It will show him that you are unhappy with the situation but he knows that already and doesn't care.

And after the couple of days? What then? Just ignore it and carry on? Again, what would that achieve?

If you let this go he will take that as you saying it's ok with you if he carries on. How honest is that?

It really depends what you want to achieve OP. You obviously want him to stop looking but he is not going to do that unless he thinks you are serious. And even then he might not.

FWIW I would pack a bag and go somewhere else for a few days with a view to making it a permanent split. I wouldn't argue with him, or get him to change or see things my way. I would just tell him that I simply did not want to live with a man who looked at porn.

If he then decides, off his own back, that he wants you to stay and that he is willing to give up the porn and talk about why it was so important to you and listen to why it is so harmful to you, then maybe I would try again with him.

But the bottom line would be that we really didn't see eye to eye on this subject which is a pretty fundamental one in a relationship.

boomoohoo · 06/03/2014 19:27

The reason i have considered having a few days not communicating with him (i wouldnt ignore him I'd be civil but not chatty) is because I am always the one to reach out to him, to initiate communication and connection.. and im so angry about his poor communication skills i think i need to calm down a bit before i decide what i want to do.

but youre right, it prob wouldnt help, i'd most likely get even more wound up by him not initiating any discussion!

i cant really pack and bag and go fairenuff, much as i'd like to. I have a dd who is in school, nowhere to stay and dont want to temporarily uproot her..

captainhindsight - the images are FHM-esque, thast style of photo, but on websites

OP posts:
rainbowsmiles · 06/03/2014 19:33

I am actually laughing out loud at the idea that you would advise someone to pack her bags cos her boyfriend looked at some pictures of ladies with their boobies showing. Stop the clocks!!! Man likes looking at perfect lady bottoms! What a pig. And he dares to suggest there is nothing wrong with that??? I can't believe the police can't do something. Arrest the scumbag ffs. Get him orf our streets!!!

VoyageDeVerity · 06/03/2014 19:34

DH has a lovely picture of Michelle pieffer on his wall at work, sad bastard! But I actually think it's really healthy to objectively appreciate beauty in itjers.
But we are artists and this will always be so for us.

Michrlangelos David for example, is a beautiful, beautiful young man. I have a mini statue of him on my desk. He is an impossibly beautiful version of make perfection. I think....

oakmouse · 06/03/2014 19:34

I never buy the "it's trivial and unimportant, so put up with it" line. If it's trivial they can give it up in order to spare your feelings. It's not as if you are controlling his every move otherwise, is it?

If it's important then that's another discussion and you may well be incompatible, because it most likely is a symptom of an underlying difference of values.

I cried endless tears over this one in my first marriage. I tried so hard to be "cool" with it and I just couldn't be.

Looking back I realise that it was part of a general pattern of total disrespect for me that undermined my self esteem and confidence and made me jealous.

Now I look far less like the women in the pictures than I used to and they are no threat to me. My partner and I have our ups and downs but I feel completely gorgeous and sexy with him.

If he uses porn he has the sense to keep it completely hidden but you know what - if I found him using it it might irritate me from a feminist point of view and I might tell him so, but it wouldn't hurt me or threaten our relationship...because the underlying dynamic, how he views women, everything is different.

So I would say forget about the abstract rights and wrongs and listen to your feelings and be true to them. If the relationship makes you feel miserable, insecure, and disrespected, then end it. You deserve to be with someone with whom you have mutual understanding and security.

VoyageDeVerity · 06/03/2014 19:35

Beauty in theirs

Michelangelo

Sorry for appalling grammar in that..

VoyageDeVerity · 06/03/2014 19:35

Male perfection

Tit!

Fairenuff · 06/03/2014 19:36

rainbow it's a little bit silly to expect everyone to have the same opinion as you. How embarrassing Blush

But enjoy your laugh at the op's expense. Presumably it's filling something that is missing in your life?

AnyFucker · 06/03/2014 19:41

rainbow did no-one ever tell you that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit ?

why are you so bothered by this thread ?

go get a life and stop trying to make others feel bad for how they live theirs

boomoohoo · 06/03/2014 19:47

voyagetoverity I agree that we all want to look at the opposite sex admiringly. Having photos and statues is an open and transparent way of doing that. Not so is privately looking at unattainable and patriarchal beauty ideals of women.

rainbow you sound like the kind of women that most probably forgives a lot of shit from her partner in the context of 'boys will be boys'. This isnt how i am, i have high expectations of my partner and his treatment of me. i'd rather feel insecure alone than insecure in a relationship.

OP posts:
rainbowsmiles · 06/03/2014 19:48

Anyfucker I would not be looking to you or fairenuff fir advice on humour, wit or pretty much anything. As many have said before me af just because you spend your life on these boards doesn't mean you own them.

Fairenuff · 06/03/2014 19:56

Do you really think this is the place for 'wit' and 'humour' though rainbow?

OP is genuinely upset that her partner is completely disregarding her feelings and refusing to even consider discussing this with her.

Do you have something supportive to say to her rather than jeering from the sidelines?

rainbowsmiles · 06/03/2014 20:01

Good yes this is exactly where humour is called for. You are so po faced. Bloody hell. Lighten up... He has not committed a crime. He likes a nice arse and a nice pair of tits photographed in soft lighting. Feck sake...

And no I'm not like that at all op. Def not. But I am not going to try and control my other half. Just because he doesn't share my view on something doesn't send me for my suitcases. It's a very small unimportant issue which you are blowing out of proportion partly due to low self esteem and the fact you've lost control.

AnyFucker · 06/03/2014 20:05

rainbow , have a look at who is repeatedly biting on this thread and then tell me who "lives on these boards" Smile

AnyFucker · 06/03/2014 20:07

rainbow the Op of this thread (yes, her thread, not mine or yours) has told you that she doesn't find your "contribution" helpful

anyone with good ole fashioned manners would fuck off now

rainbowsmiles · 06/03/2014 20:08

You af. Are you a frustrated cop. You can't police in real life so you feel its your duty on the Internet or something.

Fairenuff · 06/03/2014 20:08

I am not going to try and control my other half. Just because he doesn't share my view on something doesn't send me for my suitcases.

But you do understand that OP feels differently to you about this don't you? And that having a different opinion to you doesn't make her 'wrong'. You do understand that don't you rainbow.

It's a very small unimportant issue which you are blowing out of proportion partly due to low self esteem and the fact you've lost control.

It's a very small unimportant issue to you rainbow. Not to OP.

rainbowsmiles · 06/03/2014 20:10

What a delight you are af. Really horrible.

Lweji · 06/03/2014 20:12

OP, you do what you feel is right for you. :)

AnyFucker · 06/03/2014 20:14

Give over, rainbow. I am not the one jeering at the OP's distress. Report me if you think my posts are "horrible".

rainbowsmiles · 06/03/2014 20:21

OP if you choose to leave your boyfriend over this then please be honest with yourself over your reasons for doing so. Your boyfriend's crime is shared by almost every man I have ever known and I know a lot of very lovely and good men.

Don't be wound up by the posters on here who seem to live for the opportunity to give some poor bloke his marching orders.