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Original poster

Work wife?

193 replies

Strugglinghere · 02/03/2014 00:29

I've just been out with my dh for dinner with one of his colleagues and her dh. She tells me she is his 'work wife'. Would this piss you off?

OP posts:
WhateverTrevor83 · 03/03/2014 15:34

... that's not a criticism, just saying it's a natural response and I doubt there's anything to be worried about Grin

good luck op

Viviennemary · 03/03/2014 15:35

Have nothing to do with this utterly ridiculous and immature woman.

elliebe13 · 03/03/2014 15:43

Hell no that is not cool

russianfudge · 03/03/2014 16:01

I'd be a bit judgey of my husband for being close with someone so immature... Unless she was super drunk and behaving out of character.
Is she very young?

I has strong vibes that my now DH was getting a bit close to a very young female colleague. In the end I pointed out to him how other people would view a man in his position seemingly getting along so well with someone young enough to be his daughter and evidently very immature.

It started a spiral which lead to him having a midlife and us splitting up. Nothing happened with the girl but his relationship with her was concerning and my gut was right even though on paper they'd done nothing wrong.

The guarding of the phone is weird.. Can you try inventing a reason that you need to use it? Not so you can look at what's on it but to see what his reaction to you having access to it would be.

WhateverTrevor83 · 03/03/2014 16:02

... FFS, lighten up people. OP don't let this lot wind you up.

LordPalmerston · 03/03/2014 16:03

she has far too many opinions about you and your marriage

Get into that phone stat

LordPalmerston · 03/03/2014 16:04

...unless you know anyone who is at the same school? Can you jokily ask them how they see it?

You will be able to gauge straight away if its suspect

SawofftheOW · 03/03/2014 18:00

It's as if she is too interested in my marriage and I can't suss out why! She often talks about arguing with her dh.

OP, I think your spidey senses are spot on. She's interested in your marriage because she is interested in your husband. He may be having an EA with her and they were both game-playing that night - hiding in full sight. Trust your gut instinct. Any way you check his phone via online billing, or does he keep that private from you too?

scornedwoman67 · 03/03/2014 19:48

I used to work with a chap who called me his 'work wife' because basically he was useless with admin & I used to nag him alot & tidy his desk up. There was absolutely nothing between us romantically whatsoever, I knew his wife, she was lovely too & we used to compare notes about his chaotic existence. We haven't worked together for years but still socialise occasionally.

aylesburyduck · 03/03/2014 20:26

What struck me was that he has referred to her as "best friend at work".

Although I accept that referring to colleagues as work husband or work wife is a bit unnecessary but generally harmless I am finding the idea of a grown man (or indeed woman) having a best friend at work very odd. IMHO It's really quite childish.

Apologies if this has been mentioned up thread but I would be sitting DH down and putting my views across on this relationship and asking DH what he would think if the shoe was on the other foot.

spiffysquiffyspiggy · 03/03/2014 21:35

Really? A best friend at work is odd and childish? I've worked at the same place for the vast majority of my working life- 13 years now. I've grown up there effectively, met my husband there and my rl best friend (alongside many, many other close friends), had 3 babies and miscarriages and been supported all the way. I've spent most of tonight chatting to two of them over email (one male, one female) People who have held my hand when I've been stressed, unhappy and feeling down, as well as celebrating my triumphs and pushing me to do even better. In my place of work it would be odd to not have a "best work friend".

I now appreciate my workplace in a whole new way and vow not to leave if that's what life is like elsewhere...

Original poster
Strugglinghere · 03/03/2014 21:36

Thanks again all, lots to mull over. She's actually a couple of years older than us...I agree about the best friends thing, I think dh and I just have different views on work relationships! I'm definitely one for keeping people at work at arm's length, I'm happy to have friends at work, go out for Xmas drinks etc but I like to keep my personal relationships separate. Not sure why.
Anyway we talked about it last night, he took the work wife thing as her doing jobs for him etc - still don't like it but it seems a pretty common jokey label by the sounds of things. I think the difference is that they are also close outside of work, lots of banter in text messages (he has shown me some in the past and I got a bit twitchy) and going out drinking, albeit with other colleagues and not that often.
Part of my problem with that is that we very rarely go out together and our texts usually involve mundane day to day house / kids stuff. It's sometimes as though he gets his 'fun' elsewhere Sad Ah well - time to book a babysitter and get out there I guess! Although when we have gone out on our own in the past I feel like I'm boring and don't live up to his nights out with work friends. Yet we used to have great nights out, years ago...
With the phone - I really don't think there is anything too sinister (and I've also now put a lock on my phone for security!) but would imagine he wouldn't want me to see the banter-type messages. I do completely understand that he doesn't have to share everything with me, but it makes me sad for some reason. I think I feel excluded from his 'fun' life.
Urgh I sound like a proper clingy saddo. I do have my own friends, but more 'daytime coffee' friends rather than 'going out in the evening' friends. I'm so busy with work, parenting and house stuff that I lack time and energy a lot of the time...

OP posts:
spiffysquiffyspiggy · 03/03/2014 21:50

Struggling, it sounds like you want to recapture the fun bit in your life with dh. I totally get where you are coming from with that, I've spent the last 7 years pg and/or bf. We have no reliable babysitters so me and dh haven't been out together in forever. It is only in the last year that I have had a proper social life, which is mainly based around trips away with my "work husband" rather than my actual dh. Where I get stupidly drunk and have masses of fun. But I want to do that with dh and I know work husband, would rather be there with his wife. It is the opportunity that we lack at home rather than the desire...

Don't focus on the work wife comment, it doesn't necessarily mean anything dodgy. Look at the big picture and if you still feel something is up then tackle it, just don't pin it all on one comment.

UnderYourCommand · 03/03/2014 22:05

Work wife? Nothing odd. Just a massive over thought reaction from an insecure woman. Not even worth discussing.

Original poster
Strugglinghere · 03/03/2014 22:07

Ouch

OP posts:
Original poster
Strugglinghere · 03/03/2014 22:09

Thanks spiffy, good to hear that point of view.

OP posts:
UnderYourCommand · 03/03/2014 22:10

Well just grow up OP? Women do this fairly regularly, it means nothing until someone chooses to blow it out of all proportion. Seems to be.

Logg1e · 03/03/2014 22:13

Women do what fairly regularly?

UnderYourCommand · 03/03/2014 22:15

oh you know, over thunk stuff, see demons where there aren't any. And then post/talk endlessly about it. That sort of thing.

Viviennemary · 03/03/2014 22:15

Work wife. Never heard of it before until on MN on a thread a while back. I'd be reminding her bigamy is illegal in this country and carries a prison sentence. She has a massive cheek and is not to be encouraged. IMHO.

Logg1e · 03/03/2014 22:21

oh you know, over thunk stuff, see demons where there aren't any. And then post/talk endlessly about it. That sort of thing.

Yes, women can be so very tiresome.

UnderYourCommand · 03/03/2014 22:24

Well, yes they can be. Like blokes can be often. Just here it's a woman being worked up over nothing.

Logg1e · 03/03/2014 22:28

So you meant sometimes, some people over-think things? Confused.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 03/03/2014 22:36

God, I hate the term "work wife", it's so insulting to the women involved and then all these gobshites simper at being demeaned and actually BOAST about how they nag and mother their male colleagues.

Cringe.

Yeah, that'll keep the gender pay gap nice and wide, thanks sisters.

I think you should not ignore your feeling about this colleague.

It sounds like he is secretive and far too attached to her and treating you as inferior to her.

Also don't assume that the meal out is any proof that there's nothing between them. Some couples having an affair love doing shit like that.

It gives them a buzz to rub their spouses nose in it.

UnderYourCommand · 03/03/2014 22:40

no, read carefully Logg - men can be tiresome, women often over think stuff. Not mutually exclusive.