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Original poster

Work wife?

193 replies

Strugglinghere · 02/03/2014 00:29

I've just been out with my dh for dinner with one of his colleagues and her dh. She tells me she is his 'work wife'. Would this piss you off?

OP posts:
hickorychicken · 02/03/2014 17:43

I am a work wife both sets of dp's know, its not weird Confused
Its more the bickering thats referred to by other colleagues than anything intimate.
It wouldnt piss me off at all Smile

spiffysquiffyspiggy · 02/03/2014 17:45

Good description of things HMG, including the nagging. Grin

I have to say I don't usually refer to him as my work husband. It's usually "my partner in crime" as we are usually interfering in each others work.

TheBeautifulVisit · 02/03/2014 17:57

It all sounds very unprofessional. And very irritating for other colleagues who you aren't married to, at work.

anapitt · 02/03/2014 18:00

I've got a work husband. been in partnership for 25 years

NewtRipley · 02/03/2014 18:05

I think it's fine as an in joke at work - but to talk about it to the person's real wife, if you don't know they ae in on it , is rude.

If I ever meet partners of blokes I am friendly with at work, I make sure I focus on them, not on making it clear how pally I am with their spouse.

HMG83 · 02/03/2014 18:06

TheBeautifulVisit, I'm not sure if you're deliberately trying to twist it into something it isn't or if you just don't understand what it's like to work with people who you get along with and have a very long working history with?

There's nothing unprofessional about it at all and I doubt anyone bats an eyelid. Thankfully, we all aim for as peaceful a co-existence we can manage in our work place.

We are just two colleagues who work very well together and know how to get the best out of each other when times are stressed.

BillyBanter · 02/03/2014 18:08

I don't see it as a problem, not in this scenario anyway. they're not hiding it.

Not sure how the work wife phrase originated but possibly from historic views of the wife at home who looks after the husband's every need and the secretary at work who does the same.

However I think it's moved on from there to describe just about any 'close' male/female relationships at work.

Logg1e · 02/03/2014 18:13

Billy They're not hiding it

You'd think that the OP's husband would have mentioned it if it wasn't a secret though Billy.

Cabrinha · 02/03/2014 19:10

I've worked with someone for 10 years who I referred to as my office husband, and vice versa.
Nothing EVER going to happen there, his wife and my husband knew about the term - we only used it occasionally.
We were good friends, worked jointly for a while and went to went to different projects, still made time for each other to bounce work idea off.
It was different to a regular friendship or working relationship because we paired up more often, and by choice rather than circumstance.
Everyone perfectly happy with the term.
But all 4 of us secure in our relationships.

Original poster
Strugglinghere · 02/03/2014 19:32

Yep, I think I am feeling insecure with this. Re his phone - his lack of openness with it does make me paranoid that he has something to hide. I have no lock on mine and wouldn't bat an eyelid at him having access to it, there's nothing that I would be bothered about him seeing. Then again I wouldn't want to be reading through his phone anyway, it is more the fact that he locks it as if he wants to keep something secret.
This woman seems to think she has a special bond with dh. He enjoys her company and has referred to her before as his 'best friend at work'. I don't know, but it makes me sad that it doesn't feel like 'me and him against the world' any more. I feel like the frumpy mum and wife at home, dealing with the boring day to day stuff (I work almost ft too) while she provides this flirtatious banter type dynamic for him. I hate the way it makes me feel - but I'm just not ok with this. He's not willing to change anything however, from conversations we've had in the past. He just thinks I'm being ridiculous.
Any advice on the best way to deal with this? How do I get rid of the knot in my stomach?

OP posts:
Original poster
Strugglinghere · 02/03/2014 19:38

Oh, the other thing is that I work in exactly the same job as dh, but don't feel any need for a 'work husband'! I get on well with my colleagues but just wouldn't want to get so close to them...not sure why but for me work and personal life are separate, I just have professional relationships with my colleagues. Is it insecurity on her part that she feels the need to have this kind of relationship with dh? She has a dh and dc too - and has moaned about her marriage to my dh before, which again I wasn't happy about. Why would you share that with a work colleague?
Love the idea of telling her to wash his work pants etc though!

OP posts:
Logg1e · 02/03/2014 19:40

I'm with you OP I have desire to merge my professional relationship with colleagues (no matter how friendly) with a spouse role (no matter how cute).

Can you tell your husband everything that you just wrote?

BillyBanter · 02/03/2014 19:44

Some workmates are just workmates and some become friends. I know some people who make lots of friends at work. I don't so much. People are different.

Logg1e He said she is his work best friend.

OP would her disappearing off the scene stop you feeling like a frumpy mum?

Original poster
Strugglinghere · 02/03/2014 20:13

Hmm good question Billy. I know in my head that I'm not really too much of a frumpy mum, but I think the fact that he obviously gets something out of his relationship with her that maybe he doesn't get from me, that makes me feel crap! He has several female friends who don't bother me in the slightest, but this woman seems to push things more.
So if she were to disappear, I think I would feel better - she makes me feel inadequate.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseGirls · 02/03/2014 20:30

I'd reply that it's strange because I thought she was the office bike. Hmm

BillyBanter · 02/03/2014 21:07

Well he gets enjoyable company at work which you can't give him. But surely most friendships give something a bit different from what our partners do. All friendships are unique. But you don't feel inadequate in relation to them.

I can't tell how much is how you feel about yourself and how much is her consciously or unconsciously behaving in a way that undermines you, or if there is some way your husband is behaving that is on dodgy ground in a marriage. There isn't any firm evidence of any sort of shenanigans. Maybe you just don't like her that much and wouldn't in different circumstances either.

There is a balance to be struck between our own responsibility for feeling secure in a relationship and our partners responsibility, if that makes sense.

Logg1e · 02/03/2014 21:23

But surely most friendships give something a bit different from what our partners do.

In which it's odd for a friend to use a partner-denoting term to describe their relationship.

I do agree it's hard for the OP to separate which issues are within her marriage, which with the presumptuous colleague or if there is, unfortunately, an overlap.

Dandare · 02/03/2014 21:28

Yes I have talked about a colleague as a work husband in a light hearted way - meaning we are close and at times he's a pain in the arse. Not sure I would introduce myself as such to his partner mind you....

BillyBanter · 02/03/2014 21:36

Logg1e Except that this thread shows it's not at all unusual for work friends to use this partner-denoting term.

And you seem to have forgotten that there might be overlap with the OP's own feelings that might have nothing to do with the workmate.

Logg1e · 02/03/2014 21:40

Good point Billy. Overlap with what, if not the colleague?

pointythings · 02/03/2014 21:40

My DH has a 'work wife' and he is her 'work husband'. They have supported each other through some really tough shit - her health issues and her dad's death, the loss of DH's parents, endless stress and politics in the department.

If they hadn't had each other, they would both have gone under. I am grateful to her for being there for him when he is at work, and I think she is great. If she thinks he is putting on a brave face and not telling it how it is, she lets me know. That kind of support is invaluable. DH's 'work wife's DH is also fine with it.

However it does depend on context.

Wrapdress · 02/03/2014 21:43

I'd probably find a way to take a look at the phone. Your gut is telling you something even without her using the "work wife" term.

BillyBanter · 02/03/2014 21:43

Possibly no overlap. My point is you only seem to think there can be two things at play here which may or may not overlap. The woman's behaviour and the husband's. You've forgotten the OP's feelings which may or may not have anything to overlap with.

Logg1e · 02/03/2014 21:45

I can see why you might interpret my posts like that.

Original poster
Strugglinghere · 02/03/2014 21:47

Thank you, this is making me think things over! Yes I guess I am a little insecure but I wouldn't say any more so than a normal person's insecurities. As I say, I'm fine with dh's other female friends. I don't think he's up to anything but I do think he enjoys the attention from this particular woman. Ironically she is my type of person and I get on well with her when we see each other! But this work wife thing has put me on edge. She also said last night, twice, that it was amazing how we'd been together so long and were still happy. Now this sounds innocuous but the way she said it was kind of incredulous, as if she didn't believe it. Her dh told her jokingly that she was making us feel awkward and we went back to general chit chat. It's as if she is too interested in my marriage and I can't suss out why! She often talks about arguing with her dh. He's a lovely bloke and fairly quiet.
I'm hoping it is more her insecurity than mine. But how would you expect dh to handle it - he can't not spend time with her as they work so closely together. I really don't mind him being friends with her - I just want her to back off a bit!

OP posts:
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