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Original poster

Work wife?

193 replies

Strugglinghere · 02/03/2014 00:29

I've just been out with my dh for dinner with one of his colleagues and her dh. She tells me she is his 'work wife'. Would this piss you off?

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 02/03/2014 21:49

Of course guarding his phone is going to make you feel like he might have something to hide OP. Have you ever confronted him about it?

Logg1e · 02/03/2014 21:49

I wonder if he's had a bit if a moan to her during any rough patches and then she was surprised to find you so nice, and the two of you so normal and happy together?

Logg1e · 02/03/2014 21:50

I think she really is too forward.

BillyBanter · 02/03/2014 21:52

Struggling we can never pick up the nuances of the situation from the other side of the screen. If you generally have a good relationship then try to sit down and talk about it taking care not to sound accusatory. It's ok to say this sometimes makes me feel insecure etc.

I hope it all works out for you anyway. Smile

mrsspagbol · 02/03/2014 21:56

Trust your gut OP

Original poster
Strugglinghere · 02/03/2014 21:56

Yes I have spoken to him about the phone, he just says it is private and thinks that if I want access to it then I'm accusing him of being up to no good. But that isn't the point, I totally understand the privacy thing and wouldn't be going through his phone every 5 minutes, it is just the fact that he feels it needs to be locked away from me!
And yes it could well be that he's had a moan with her, good point. Don't like the idea of that though Sad

OP posts:
tilliebob · 02/03/2014 21:57

My DH and I both have work wives - usually of the same sex so ourselves Grin He has had a work wife who was a woman - it was all lighthearted nonsense. Not in the slightest bothered/worried. She just organised him, mothered him and told him off - same as all the other lads in the shift. If she'd been the same age, single and predatory, I might have had a different outlook though.

Original poster
Strugglinghere · 02/03/2014 21:58

Thank you Billy

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 02/03/2014 22:04

he just says it is private and thinks that if I want access to it then I'm accusing him of being up to no good

I don't think that follows at all. And it means you can't ask without appearing to accuse him of something. All you're asking for is openness.

trixymalixy · 02/03/2014 22:05

I was going to say i think that if there was something going on then it would be unlikely she would have said such a comment to you referring to herself as his work wife.

From your latest posts I think my spidey sense would be tingling too.

BillyBanter · 02/03/2014 22:05

That discussion goes into a bit of a loop, doesn't it! The guarded phone is the only bit that I think could be something worth worrying about but I know that is something I'm quite private about too.

I also know that partners or friends might have a moan about me, after all I do about them from time to time, but I don't mind too much as long as I don't know!

I just said this on a different thread but it's maybe relevant here too.

My dad will tell all and sundry about how much money he has maturing in endowment policies etc. but mum mutters at him to stop sharing their financial business with people. But my mum told everyone when she was diagnosed with depression after investigations into stomach problems while dad mumbled about her getting a prescription and didn't seem to want people knowing that business....

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 02/03/2014 22:12

Sorry OP but - on the basis of, oh, about 300 threads I must have read on here over the years - you need to see that phone.

Trust your gut.

Right now, it's in knots, yes?

Look through the phone.

scottishmummy · 02/03/2014 22:25

No,his phone is his property you don't have a right to demand to see it
If your gut feeling is guiding you,that's what you base it in,not in demanding his phone
Be guided by his behaviour and attitude not the act of checking a phone

Original poster
Strugglinghere · 02/03/2014 22:27

I wouldn't know how to tbh, it's locked with a code. But I know what you mean. I'm going to talk to him and try to get him to understand how I feel. Any ideas on how to do this without sounding accusatory? And what can he do about it? He'll just say I'm being silly...

OP posts:
BillyBanter · 02/03/2014 22:38

dunno.

you could start with her comment at the dinner that her DH said was making people awkward and what did he think that was about.

Or you could start with saying please don't call me silly as it's difficult for me talk about feeling insecure and already feel a bit silly, but I feel that I need a bit of reassurance...

Or a more general talk about how things are in your marriage.

Or start about feeling frumpy sometimes.

I can understand how he might say oh don't be silly whether he is up to something or not. I'd maybe say the same in such circumstances. If your partner doesn't have anything to worry about it's easy to think that it must be obvious that there is nothing to worry about. But I do think it's important that if he does you explain that even if you have no need to feel insecure please don't dismiss your feelings.

Probably best to stick to talking about how you feel, how this or that makes you feel.

TDada · 02/03/2014 23:22

On the bright side you have a nice hubby, obviously.

Perhaps you could get him to imagine the situation reversed.

WhateverTrevor83 · 03/03/2014 12:01

Having a code on your phone is smart... in case it's stolen. Don't think there's anything in that. I'd be really pissed off if I ever found my DP going through my phone and vice versa it's an invasion of privacy and very clingy/controlling/nosy behaviour. The only time I've ever checked a partner's phone was years ago when I was very young, silly and insecure... it's not something I'd recommend doing. If you don't trust him to the extent where you're worried about his phone it doesn't bode well whether there's something on there or not.

'Work wife/husband' is a pretty well known phrase (really surprised some people are so shocked and suspicious about it) and is very innocent - also the fact that she said this to you in front of your DH and her DH it's very unlikely there's an agenda or something going on. Surely she'd be more discrete if she fancied him?

I'd relax and get a code for your phone too in case it's ever nicked and see the work wife thing for what it is - them taking it in turns to make the cups of tea and maybe having their lunch together sometimes.

Chin up :-)

Logg1e · 03/03/2014 13:06

Not all of us find it shocking or suspicious. Some of us find it unprofessional and vomit-inducing.

NotNewButNameChanged · 03/03/2014 13:06

Am sure I read an article in the last couple of weeks where Phil Spencer says he refers to Kirstie Allsop as his work wife (and that his wife and kids refer to her in the same way). I know actors who, because they work very well together, are often cast opposite each other, refer to each other as their work wife or work husband.

WhateverTrevor83 · 03/03/2014 14:30

Fine - just pointing out it's not that unusual (to comfort OP... rather than winding her up)...

WhateverTrevor83 · 03/03/2014 14:33

NotNew yep I read that too... think they are a good example.

Twinklestein · 03/03/2014 14:45

The term 'work wife' is not the issue here, but the nature of the relationship between the OP's husband and colleague.

WhateverTrevor83 · 03/03/2014 14:53

I know that... just pointing out that that seemed to be from original post to be the thing that made OP's ears prick up. She also asked if other people had heard of it and if they'd be pissed off.

Was just saying yes I'd heard of it and no I wouldn't be pissed off.

catsrus · 03/03/2014 15:22

indeed - my exH would never have gone off with his 'work wife', he didn't want a strong independent woman like her he wanted a more 'feminine' and dependent flower that he could take care of Biscuit.

It really isn't the term that is the issue but the OPs insecurity - which may or may not be justified. FWIW I kept a lot of things private from my exH, not because I had secrets, but because I had the confidence of other people who did not want or expect me to share their private business with him, I receive work related email on the phone and it is confidential. Having a code on a phone is not a sign that someone is having an affair or is in danger of having an affair.

WhateverTrevor83 · 03/03/2014 15:28

I think OP has had her feathers ruffled a bit and is maybe a bit threatened/jealous.