Would you cut your mother out of your life? - long, sorry

[Pages]

It sounds really harsh but she has upset me so much and I just don't want her around to hurt me anymore.

A year ago she told me my SIL found it difficult to be around my child who has special needs. It hurt me really badly at the time but I didn't say anything because my brother and SIL are not the most approachable people. In the end I told my brother about it in a row which wasn't the best of times and I apologised for that. I also rang my mum and apologised if I'd got her into trouble (although really it needed to come out into the open and be dealt with).

My mum then completely astounded me by denying telling me any such thing and she, my brother and my SIL have ganged up on me, called me a poisonous liar and my SIL has told me she never wants to see me again (no great loss there actually, I am pretty sure she is largely responsible for my mum's reaction).

My mum subsequently some weeks later asked me if we could put it behind us. I have told her not until she has apologised and accepted responsibility for what she has done. She refuses to do so (she has never been good at apologising, always has to be right) and whilst telling me to my face that she wants to move on I have found out that she is telling other people in the family that I have done a good job of splitting the family up. It is true my older brother has supported me but only because he knows I am not a liar and my mum has always treated him as an outsider in the family and pitted the rest of us against him.

She is really a very manipulative person. I realise that now. But she is very loving if you agree with her. I have liked to think we have had a really close relationship till now - I used to ring her several times a week and talk to her about almost anything - but the reality is that there is a price to pay for that. Whenever there have been disagreements between us she has always blamed me or DH and I have accepted that to keep things running smoothly between us.

I have been aware for some time that she gossips about me to others in the family, mainly because she gossips about all of them to me and criticises and badmouths them, the way they bring up their children, etc. I used to think stupidly at one time that I was her loyal confidante and then realised with a shock that she was talking just as much about me too.

I really feel that I have so many friends and people who I trust and who really seem to care about me in my life, including DH's family (MIL I think loves me more than my own mum does, she is so sweet), why have people around who don't support me and who I am? Certainly there is no subtext with DH's family - what you see is what you get with all of them and I prefer to have friends around me like that too.

I have never stood up to my mum like this before. My older brother always has and that is why he has been badmouthed and ostracised all his life. My little brother (who always agrees with everything my mum says, worryingly so) even told DH some time ago that he doesn't care for my older brother - but he has never got to know him. My older brother is a really nice person but he has his own thoughts and opinions.

I actually feel hugely liberated by what's happened, like I can be free to be who I am now without the shadow of pleasing my mum hanging over me. I will never stop her seeing her grandchildren but don't want to have a close relationship with her anymore. And yet a part of me tells me this is wrong because we have always been close.

By the way, I have tried talking to her over and over and have put my side across numerous times but she keeps side-stepping the issue and not responding to it, says there is no point in discussing it, we both feel betrayed and that's that. And recently she has implied this must be about more than the immediate incident. It isn't! I just don't like being called a liar and blamed for all of this.

Does anyone think I am overreacting about all of this and should just let it go and get on with my mum? Would you feel as upset as I do?

"But she is very loving if you agree with her"

Hmm. It seems you can keep the relationship on an even keel by continuing to agree with her or you can stand your ground and fall out or you can try to find a middle ground where you
a) agree to disagree
b) tell her you will not join in with gossip about other members of the family - various family relationships of mine improved once I did this
c) I would feel upset but I do think you can control how you deal with her in the future.

sounds like you have come to the decision already.

I would think you could try and have a civil realtionship with your mum (and younger brother), without being too cllose - ie don't ring her very often, don't get involved with family gossip etc. Take a step back - and hopefully that will be enough to keep the realtionship on an even keel.

And maybe write a note to your SIL - say you appreciate wires may have got crossed with the Chinese whispers situation - but that you have no hard feelings to anyone. That you appreciate that not everyone can cope with the challenges of special needs (and she is lucky she has the chance to chose not to, you don't so just have to make the best of your (and your child's) life). Tell her you wish them a happy life. And then leave it at that.

That way you are being the adult, have bowed out gracefully and can get on with your own life without stressing about what they are all thinking.

I do not have a relationship with my mother and it is great. She is a maipulative individual and has made my life hell from childhood and admits herself she didnt want me and never liked me. She will of course only admit this in private as she knows how others would view this.

To be honest it is better this way and the kids still see her. I have told them that she is a great grandmother but has been a terrible mother to me.

Thanks everyone. Presumably you still see her if the kids do, DVX? But just don't really engage with her, is that what you are saying?

I suppose that I am worried about her being around me and my family because it will be extra fuel for the conversations about me that she will then have with the rest of my family, whereas if I stay out of her way they will run out of conversation in the end. Btw, she told me a while ago that she finds my brother and SIL (the ones who have cut me out) shallow and that they only talk about superficial things so I know she hasn't got much in common with them - I am the topic that is binding them together at the moment and know I will continue to be as long as I stand up to my mother.

No I drop the kids off wihtout talking ot her or seeing her and they amke the arrangements on their mobiles. I never see her or speak to her and have told her I no longer consider myself her daughter.

PS my childhood wasn't a good one either. She failed to protect me and my brother from my stepdad who was both verbally and physically abusive to me and my older brother - she still has not acknowledged the extent of this and just diminishes and explains it away. At the time she blamed us for being difficult. So what's happening now is part of an ongoing pattern - when push comes to shove she will put herself first. I know I sound very angry - that's because I am.

Being angry is fine pages and useful it may make you cut the tie which has disturbed you for so long and that may make you feel liberated from an abusive relationship. Certainly how I feel

Thanks DVX. A bit of me is now feeling really disloyal to her for telling you all this!

No you shouldnt you need to get it off your chest.

Hi Pages

It is really upsetting when you find out your family especially your mum are not particularly nice or caring with no strings is it.

My step-father was physically and sexually extremely abusive to me over many years. He and my mother divorced however when she found out he was dying she wanted him back. Although I never said anything to her she would never ever have seen me or DS again if this had happened.

I know they are family and you think you should love and accept them but you would not continue a friendship with someone who treated you and your child this way.

YOu may feel guilty (and I'm sure they will try to make you feel that way) but no one deserved to be treated like shit by anyone else.

I don't know how old your child is or what type of special needs they have but they are not necessarily stupid and at a certain age will realise how they are treated and viewed BY THEIR OWN FAMILY. Most different(sorry can't think of a better word) children get enough abuse and shit from strangers they certainly don't need any more.

I would say don't waste your time or engery with letters or explainations they will just add fuel to the flames. Just have a civil conversation with any of them when they phone up and leave it at that.

Oh pages how sad that your mother behaves like this.
I think she sounds quite crule.
If it were me i think i would put some distence between us, at least for the time being.
If she is like this all the time talking behind peoples backs and being mean about them im sure more people then you think know whats shes like and that you are not the one telling lies.
sounds like your brother and sil are welcome to her.
She IS going to end up a very sad, lonley, bitter old woman with only herself to blame.
Love to you and you child X

Just because she's your mum doesn't give her the right to make your life hell. Lying and sniping behind your back is no way for a real mother to behave. You are the only one bothered by this, she clearly isn't. You'll be far better off without her and if she sees that you aren't bothered, she'll be the one who apologises.

I would, and I have. I'm still reeling from it, but I don't regret it. It's not an easy decision or one to be taken lightly, but it isn't always the wrong thing to do just because she is your mother. You do have the right to place reasonable limits on how you are prepared to be treated by other people, family members or not. Some relationships are just poisonous.

I have some idea of what you are going through. I know it's horrendous. xx

Ask yourself, would you like her or have anything to do with her if she were not your mother.
I think we all spend too much time on people that are not worth it, just because they are related to us in one way or another, would you want to know her as a person if the whole "family thing" was not involved.

i would get them all together in a room - some pretence of a family thing....someone elses house

when they are all there i would calmy thank them for coming along and then say

my mother did say what she did. if you have a problem with me - you say it to my face.

until anyone apologises for putting me in this very upsetting position. please refrain from contacting me.

i will not be part of perpetuating family gossip you you can get your little thrills for the day.

then leave.

Thank you so much all of you, you've really helped. Kathlean, you have hit the nail on the head - I needed to address the issues my SIL had because my DS is already starting to pick up on people's feelings about him and I don't want him put him in that position. I do accept that some people find it hard around people with SN and could have accepted and made allowances for my SIL if she had just been open with me. But I am fiercely protective of my son. He is nearly 4, has developmental delay, which means he will have a lower than average mental age as he gets older and he is going to have enough to deal with in the school playground without it coming from his own family.

I am sure, like me, you would all die for your children. I wouldn't let anyone harm a hair on my babies' heads. It has opened up wounds because I have finally realised my mum doesn't feel that way about me.

No, I wouldn't have even bothered explaining myself if this was a friend.

And, she already is a sad, lonely , bitter old woman. She hasn't ever had a proper loving relationship with a man and lives through her children but we are all but one married now with families of our own and I think her manipulaton is her way of trying to keep control of us.

Certainly for now I am going to keep my distance. I may just feel life is better without her after a time! And I have already told the others that I am not going to be around anyone who thinks I am a liar.

interesting reading here.
I often think that, were it not for the DSs, I would probably have very little to do with my mother. I continue to see her because a) I think the DSs need to have a relationship with her and b)selfishly, sometimes I need her for babysitting which i know is hypocritical but, tbh, she wouldn't see the boys if she wasn't looking after them as she's always busy anyway.
It must be terribly hard for you, Pages and i really feel for you but I admire you too for making the effort to reconcile yourself to the situation.

God but your mother sounds remarkably like mine. I wont hijack your thread with descriptions of my mother but I've compromised. I haven't cut her out completely but have stood my ground and not compromised my life whereever I can. The upside is the wonderful feeling of liberation - like I'm actually living for me - not just to please her, the downside of not acutally cutting her out though is the roller coaster that she continues to force upon us (but that belongs to a different thread). I haven't cut her out because ultimately she's my mother but there are many times that I think I'm crazy for not doing so. Am about to add a thread of my own so you can see my dilema if you want.

Good luck. Oh and even though I've not cut her completely I've still been informed that I've been cut out of the will. Nice huh?

Will be interested to read yours Wills.

Hi ya Pages - have just added. It just talks about the recent thing. She and I are constantly at logger heads as I no longer dance to her tune and recently I have started to seriously wonder if cutting her out completely (whilst sad) wouldn't actually make life a lot happier.

Pages -- I think you have the solution identified for yourself. There's no need to cut her out completely, but you don't need to have a close relationship any more. Call her once every few weeks if you want, stay polite, but you can semi-detach yourself.

If she's criticising your brother and SIL to you and you to them, sounds like she's being obviously manipulative. I should stop worrying about what she's saying about you - sounds like she's a very selfish woman. Enjoy your good relationships (including the one with your MIL) and manage this one as best you can.

Sounds like you're being the responsible adult here

Pages - I really feel for you. A few years ago I realised that my mother's gossiping about us to our siblings and her complete inability to apologise (always has to be right) stems from her own self esteem issues. She is also very highly strung and has a tendency to assume lots of things which aren't true, and result in bizarre conversations - for example if I haven't called for a week it means I am angry with her. To top it off, she is a child of two alcoholic manipulative parents herself which probably explains a lot.
Anyway, my point is that once I accepted that she is not going to change, I found it much easier - it doesn't bother me so much. Its not like we'll ever really be friends, but that's OK.
Then again, she's on the other side of the world...

Belive me, I have been seriously considering emigrating to Oz with my older brother who is going back ther in a couple of months' time! If DH was up for it I wouldn't hesitate actually...

5 years ago I posted on here about cutting off contact with my mother. The support and postings of others was huge.

I took a step back from the situation, didn't contact my mother for quite a while and concentrated on my own family. I also stopped putting myself in a position where my mother could be negative. Basically I stopped giving her invitations so she couldn't turn them down. She changes her mind about things just like that so I now don't take on board what she says until it actually happens.

Take time for yourself, your family and you are the most important. Leave your mother for a while and see what happens. Try not to have a row with anyone whatever happens, it is even more upsetting.