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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you cut your mother out of your life? - long, sorry

308 replies

Pages · 10/08/2006 06:42

It sounds really harsh but she has upset me so much and I just don't want her around to hurt me anymore.

A year ago she told me my SIL found it difficult to be around my child who has special needs. It hurt me really badly at the time but I didn't say anything because my brother and SIL are not the most approachable people. In the end I told my brother about it in a row which wasn't the best of times and I apologised for that. I also rang my mum and apologised if I'd got her into trouble (although really it needed to come out into the open and be dealt with).

My mum then completely astounded me by denying telling me any such thing and she, my brother and my SIL have ganged up on me, called me a poisonous liar and my SIL has told me she never wants to see me again (no great loss there actually, I am pretty sure she is largely responsible for my mum's reaction).

My mum subsequently some weeks later asked me if we could put it behind us. I have told her not until she has apologised and accepted responsibility for what she has done. She refuses to do so (she has never been good at apologising, always has to be right) and whilst telling me to my face that she wants to move on I have found out that she is telling other people in the family that I have done a good job of splitting the family up. It is true my older brother has supported me but only because he knows I am not a liar and my mum has always treated him as an outsider in the family and pitted the rest of us against him.

She is really a very manipulative person. I realise that now. But she is very loving if you agree with her. I have liked to think we have had a really close relationship till now - I used to ring her several times a week and talk to her about almost anything - but the reality is that there is a price to pay for that. Whenever there have been disagreements between us she has always blamed me or DH and I have accepted that to keep things running smoothly between us.

I have been aware for some time that she gossips about me to others in the family, mainly because she gossips about all of them to me and criticises and badmouths them, the way they bring up their children, etc. I used to think stupidly at one time that I was her loyal confidante and then realised with a shock that she was talking just as much about me too.

I really feel that I have so many friends and people who I trust and who really seem to care about me in my life, including DH's family (MIL I think loves me more than my own mum does, she is so sweet), why have people around who don't support me and who I am? Certainly there is no subtext with DH's family - what you see is what you get with all of them and I prefer to have friends around me like that too.

I have never stood up to my mum like this before. My older brother always has and that is why he has been badmouthed and ostracised all his life. My little brother (who always agrees with everything my mum says, worryingly so) even told DH some time ago that he doesn't care for my older brother - but he has never got to know him. My older brother is a really nice person but he has his own thoughts and opinions.

I actually feel hugely liberated by what's happened, like I can be free to be who I am now without the shadow of pleasing my mum hanging over me. I will never stop her seeing her grandchildren but don't want to have a close relationship with her anymore. And yet a part of me tells me this is wrong because we have always been close.

By the way, I have tried talking to her over and over and have put my side across numerous times but she keeps side-stepping the issue and not responding to it, says there is no point in discussing it, we both feel betrayed and that's that. And recently she has implied this must be about more than the immediate incident. It isn't! I just don't like being called a liar and blamed for all of this.

Does anyone think I am overreacting about all of this and should just let it go and get on with my mum? Would you feel as upset as I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pages · 14/08/2006 15:59

Thanks everyone. Feeling a bit low today and just wondered what those of you (especially GreenhamCommonSleeves for who it sounds recent) felt like in the beginning and if it gets easier (can you say why you cut your mum out GCS?).

I have gone from angry and defiant to starting to feel the loss of my mother,and feeling a bit "orphaned" (!) but know I can't keep putting myself in the position where she (and others in the family) can do somthing like this again.

It may be she will apologise at some point in the future or she doesn't care and won't bother but I will still have lost her because I will never feel the same about her again after this, so feel I need to start coming to terms with it now.

OP posts:
zookeeper · 14/08/2006 20:19

Pages, please make up with your mum! You were close up until this point and you're clearly miserable! You also sound very similar, with neither of you backing down! We mums should know that mums aren't perfect!

I wonder if the whole thing has just hit a very raw nerve - had the SIL's comment been about something else would you all have reacted the same way?

How to do it? F* knows, but I hope that you do. Life is short. Everybody need a mum..

Original poster
Pages · 14/08/2006 22:03

Mum, is that you? (joke!)

Thanks for your comments zookeeper, but it isn't that simple. It isn't even really about what was or wasn't said. It is about the fact that my mother has chosen to protect herself at my expense. I have been cut out by other family members because she won't tell the truth about what has happend. Could you (any of you?)really just carry on and let this go knowing that members of your family thought you were the sort of person who made up lies about them? And there is all the gossip behind my back too - the fact is I just don't trust her anymore.

Miserable isn't the right word. There have been several defining moments in my lifetime and this is one of them. I'm adjusting, but it isn't easy.

OP posts:
zookeeper · 14/08/2006 22:26

I just have this very strong feeling that you will live to regret cutting someone so close out of your life - you obviously care so about her or you wouldn't be upset. I get on with my mum but every 5 years or so we have bustups very like yours which still have me fuming but all in all I consciously try not to dwell on those and think of her good qualities. Noone is perfect.

Why not try something like Relate? Do they do mums/daughters? Maybe an hour in front of an impartial counsellor might help you both. I know it sounds drastic but isn't it worth a try?

I hope I don't sound patronising and that you make it up

zookeeper · 14/08/2006 22:27

Ps liked the joke!

fistfullofbanners · 14/08/2006 23:46

Pages, I have cut off from my parents for similar sort of stuff, but they took it even further. I put up with it for years, even ruined my marriage pandering to their unreasonableness before I accepted that there was no future.
Like you, I had a good relationship with my mother as long as I did what she said, and stayed in teh little box she had created for me.

be prepared for spite in the future, as they try to get their own back, if they are anything like mine. At least you have one brother, you said, who you can talk to.

Original poster
Pages · 15/08/2006 12:12

Fistful...when you say they took it even further, what did they do?

Thanks zookeeper, haven't done anything terminal (I don't thnk) yet so will wait and see what happens. But things will never be the same again - they can't be and i don't want them to be. I need to be free to be who I am, and I do have a right (as GreenhamCommonSleeves) said to set limits on how I will be treated.

If my mother is willing (ever) to talk about how we can develop a new and better relationship then I am open to that. But things will not carry on the way they have been because this could happen to me again and again and again...no relationship is worth that, not even with your mother, IMO.

OP posts:
zookeeper · 15/08/2006 12:19

all relationships change and evolve - this could be the start of a better relationship

Oh god listen to me - other people's problems are so much easier to solve than my own!

Original poster
Pages · 15/08/2006 20:44

I know that feeling! I think your feelings change as well day to day, and sometimes you just have to ride the waves. I feel a lot better today (was really tired yesterday, wrong time of the month etc.) We'll see what happens but atm I am just going to focus on my own little family. Thanks for the support everyone.

OP posts:
fistfullofbanners · 15/08/2006 21:43

pages, I dont really want to go into details, not least because I have almost finished writing a novel based on my experiences, which I would like to sell.

my mother also accused me of splitting the family up when I stood up to her. I think part of the problem is that they have been control freaks for so many years, they cant handle it when the daughter that they have contemptuously pigeon-holed as a bullyable nonentity starts complaining about how she is being treated.

wartywarthog · 15/08/2006 23:59

pages, i think you're doing the right thing standing up to your mum. she sounds quite poisonous and i totally agree with distancing yourself from her for the time being. it would be nice to get some sort of resolution, but that might not happen. either way, i think you're being incredibly strong.

Cam · 16/08/2006 00:13

Just hope you all remember all this when your daughters don't want to know you in future years.
Grow up.

Bunjamin · 16/08/2006 00:39

Hi Pages, I am in a very similar situation and it has been a very tough year... I have found that concentrating on my own little family has been a priority and tried not to let them know / see how upset I am by my mothers' behaviour. However it has now come to a time where I feel I have to deal with what has happened and I feel sick just thinking about it... I completely understand what you are going through and it is not easy is it?

Why is it that we find it so hard to deal with the behaviours of our parents? If we were treated badly by friends or neighbours etc we would probably react differently? Good luck and keep smiling

PS ignore Cam's comment

Cam · 16/08/2006 01:55

No don't ignore my comment, there are 2 sides to this, Pages, yours and your mother's.

Cam · 16/08/2006 01:57

The problem as I see it is that you want your mother to be perfect, isn't that expecting a bit much?

zookeeper · 16/08/2006 11:31

I'm with Cam on this!

zookeeper · 16/08/2006 11:34

she's loving as long as...you're prepared to try as long as...all sounds pots and kettles to me

Bunjamin · 16/08/2006 15:10

It seems to me that both Zookeeper and Cam have jumped into this debate without any clear idea of what is actually involved or a true idea of anyones situation. (I haven't disclosed my situation with my mother but it is not a happy one and one I would not wish on anyone)

You both obviously have a close and loving relationship with your parents and how lucky you are.. (envy) Not all of us are this lucky and quite frankly how rude of you both to make assumptions based on the small amount you have read here...

Cam · 16/08/2006 15:29

Wrong on both counts Bunjamin

I object to my opinion being labelled as rude

zookeeper · 16/08/2006 15:55

oh get real B, our opinions were invited ! Just because we have a view you don't like, there is no need to take that stance!

Or do I see a pattern emerging?

It's ok for you to make assumptions; just noone else. The point I was making is that I get on with my mother because I work hard at concentrating on her good points and do not dwell on the(many) things she has done which have hurt me. If nothing else, she kept me fed, clothed and safe in my infancy and that has to be worth something.

To be frank, you bothsound terribly self-absorbed, touchy and self-pitying; I'm having more sympathy for your mums by the minute!

Cam · 16/08/2006 16:11

Hard work - that's about right Zoo, but far better than the alternative

SpanielEars · 16/08/2006 16:23

sorry to butt in but i notice pages hasn't been chatting today.Is it becasue she has enough arguements to deal with in her life without listening to you 3 have a go at each other?

Cam · 16/08/2006 16:25

Possibly, but that's life

SpanielEars · 16/08/2006 16:35

fair enough....can't argue with that.

Greensleeves · 16/08/2006 16:45

At risk of firing this whole thing up again - I can see where Cam is coming from, but I have been through a major, irrevocable family breakdown myself lately and can see Pages' position too.

I think unfortunately there is a gulf of misunderstanding between those who have grown up with a truly toxic, damaging, poisonous relationship with a parent and those who have not. It would be VERY difficult for someone who has not been through this to appreciate that living with that level of crushing negativity in your life - tolerating it day-to-day - it is worlds apart from the kind of "warts and all" acceptance of foibles and faults that you advocate. I never "expected my mother to be perfect". I did, however, have the right to expect not to be tyrannised, and harassed, and threatened, and constantly denigrated and bullied until I felt hunted, badly depressed and unable to carry on functioning.

Pages, if you are still around, I don't think anyone on this thread meant to hurt you or criticise you - it's just that we all have different backgrounds and perspectives and we can't all understand one another's viewpoints.

I hope you make the right decision for you and your family. For myself - finally having the courage and self-worth to break free of an emotionally abusive and draining relationship with my mother has changed my life entirely and I will never go back. I have guilt, regrets, grief - I cried my heart out yesterday evening while making my son's birthday cake because my mother won't be there to see it or see him on his birthday. There is always pain on both sides in these situations. But don't be swayed out of doing the right thing for you by people saying that you are wrong to want to end the relationship purely because she is your mother. You DO have the right to make the decision to cut her out of your life if the relationship has no hope of ever being healthy, as ours didn't.