Masturbation etiquette - AIBU?

[WeaselLulu]

I don't know whether IABU or whether to broach any of this with DP.

What I want to say is:
Dear DH,

I know that masturbation is normal, natural & necessary and that it is messier for men than it is for women however I feel that there are some rules/etiquette that needs to be followed.

1. I find it very annoying when I wake up to the bed shuddering and you huffing and puffing. I never know whether to let you know I am awake or just lie there cringing with embarrassment. To be fair, the shuddering has improved since we switched to a memory foam mattress.
2. Could you please not use your pants or your socks to wipe yourself and then leave them down the side of the bed?
3. Please lock the bathroom door.
4. Don't do it in our home office (where there is no lock).
5. I find it disturbing to hear you in the bathroom moaning with vigorous rubbing sounds at 6.30 in the morning when I am trying to enjoy my first coffee of the day. The door is NOT sound proof.

(and breathe).

I do sound a bit ranty but I needed to get it off my chest. I am very discrete about my own masturbation. I don't like being confronted with evidence of DH's, especially as I don't feel we have frequent enough sex.

Doctrine, YES!!! actually this thread has me realise we need a better door. so not daft at all as a suggestion.

ok, that explains the crispy socks stuffed between the wall and the bed in my teenage son's room....ew

I'm amazed you can actually hear the rubbing through the door, is he using sandpaper or something?!

Another one relieved to be single! Good luck OP. Did enjoy your letter! :D

Oh god wrapdress...I've just realised I'm so glad I have no boys! Awkward...

No kids yet but if I have boys I'll be providing copious amounts of tissues or orders to wash their own crispy underpants!

Urghghghgh

Masturbation should be done in private.

I would be absolutely revolted if someone was wanking in a bed beside me while I slept.

I do not want to be party to other people's sexual activity. I don't want to hear them fucking, I don't want to have to lie there pretending to be asleep while they pleasure themselves.

Ick.

'Dh never shook hands with him again.'

Oh God, I'm sitting at my desk laughing.

He does it in bed when he thinks your sleeping!?

I think this is SO disrespectful.

I did find your letter funny but seriously that is totally rank. He can wank all he wants but to do it like that, in front of you is just disgusting. Why can't he do it in the shower with some music on like most men do?

Thank you for making me laugh! I apologise for laughing at something which is distressing. You are right to be annoyed. As a boy, I spent hours playing with sock puppets in the summer hols when it was too hot to wear them. I have nothing else to say other than cough loudly and hand him a tissue (or keep a beaker by the bedside or is that story well done over??)

Are you married to my oh so (d) exh OP?

LulusLover? ODFOD.

As an aside, I'm amazed how many people are disgusted at their partners masturbating in bed while they sleep. DH does this, I've woken during the act a couple of times but not let on, and it doesn't bother me at all. Mind you, he's discreet and quiet and cleans up very well after himself (to the point I don't actually know where it goes).

To my mind "discreet" involves not masturbating when I am right there beside you.

It feels so disrespectful to not even bother to find some privacy away from me.

I don't want to wake up to find someone else masturbating. It would make me feel sick.

And be the end of our sex life and I'd feel violated and like he had no sexual boundaries around me at all.

JYP: Agreed, why should you have to have your sleep disturbed by someone getting their rocks off to whatever it is they're fantasising about, or worst still, have a sticky torn mag on their torso, eugh.

OMG!! If this is all real, how disrespectful and grim

We all have a right to mastrubate, but in full view and in ears length of our partner every day without their prior knowledge to want to know about the event is wrong on so many levels.
Poor you op

eating my lunch and this actually completely put me off my food.

And I am talking about your partner. Your partner puts me off my food.

So inconsiderate and so plain revolting. Yuck.

:o at starball "we rub along ok"

You were funny op the memory foam mattress comment was great.

URGH! A grown man leaving cummy-pants and socks (!) on the floor/by the bed.... it's made me feel sick. I don't know when or how my DP knocks one out... shower?... I don't know, I don't care - but the thought of seeing or hearing it and having to tidy up after it... no thanks.

He needs a box of tissues (no 'beaker' FFS - I thought they were a mumsnet myth!) and to flush them down the loo. Like a normal human being.

Wanking next to you while you're asleep is so disrespectful and leaving the evidence lying around like you're his servant is absolutely gross.

The only thing I can see as being an equivalent for women is disposal of tampons/sanitary towels etc... I remember once taking a shower when I had my P and rolling up my used s.towel and wrapping it in the wrapper to dispose of after my shower and when I was getting dressed etc my DP went in to the bathroom to find it had unrolled and was sitting in the middle of the bathroom! I was absoluetly mortified and he was calling me a scruff (in jest) for a couple of days! And that was an accident...
Can't imagine just leaving stuff lying around with bodily fluids on them for someone else to see...

Blimey - tell him to do his wanking in private and to tidy up after himself. It's really not a lot to ask at all.
Poor you :-)

Not taking the DH's side (because OP obviously finds it disturbing so there needs to be some kind of resolution) but where exactly is this privacy he's supposed to be finding? He can't do it in his own bed (and I'm not sure why it's disrespectful when he thinks OP is asleep and doesn't as far as I can tell know he's waking her) , can't do it in his ensuite bathroom and can't do it in his office?!

There's nothing wrong with masturbation, even within a relationship. If he's doing it to the detriment of their sexual relationship then maybe that's what needs addressing.

I feel a little for him, he can't do it in the bathroom, the office or the bed! Why don't you put the radio on while you have your coffee? He seems like he is desperate for privacy.

He sound gross. I'd be somewhat annoyed to be woken up by my OH wanking in bed and then using socks or pants to clean himself up and leaving them on the floor.

Least he's not using the sheets or wiping himself on the curtains.

Men really can be mucky gits at times, thankfully never come across one like this though.

That's a lot of wanking.

I think it's really disrespectful to do something beside someone who is asleep that you wouldn't do when they were awake.

They are still THERE.

And it's not "his bed", it's THEIR bed.

And nobody should have to delay going to bed for fear of being woken up by somebody pleasuring themselves right beside them.

If it's the middle of the night, presumably he could get some privacy in almost any room in house.