Masturbation etiquette - AIBU?

[WeaselLulu]

I don't know whether IABU or whether to broach any of this with DP.

What I want to say is:
Dear DH,

I know that masturbation is normal, natural & necessary and that it is messier for men than it is for women however I feel that there are some rules/etiquette that needs to be followed.

1. I find it very annoying when I wake up to the bed shuddering and you huffing and puffing. I never know whether to let you know I am awake or just lie there cringing with embarrassment. To be fair, the shuddering has improved since we switched to a memory foam mattress.
   
2. Could you please not use your pants or your socks to wipe yourself and then leave them down the side of the bed?
   
3. Please lock the bathroom door.
   
4. Don't do it in our home office (where there is no lock).
   
5. I find it disturbing to hear you in the bathroom moaning with vigorous rubbing sounds at 6.30 in the morning when I am trying to enjoy my first coffee of the day. The door is NOT sound proof.
   

(and breathe).

I do sound a bit ranty but I needed to get it off my chest. I am very discrete about my own masturbation. I don't like being confronted with evidence of DH's, especially as I don't feel we have frequent enough sex.

[DrinkFeckArseGirls]

If you staying up so he falls asleep without wanking, the question arises why are you two not shagging then?

[Jan45]

So equally it's fine for her to wipe her love juice all over her t-shirts, socks and knickers yes?

I'm out of here, this is actually give me the dry boke.

[pumpkinsweetie]

It's mainly the soiled underwear that makes this so grim.
I can however see what some are saying ie, why doesn't op lend him a hand etc but how can she when he isn't actually giving her the come on, he is just tossing him self off like a gone-off rolled up pancake

[DrinkFeckArseGirls]

A bit cringeworthy, yes but disrespectful? It's not like he's doing it into your cornflakes.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

So he should get up and go and do it in another room? Really?

Um... yeah.

And that wouldn't be odd behaviour...

A lot less off than pulling his pud with his sleeping wife beside him instead of going somewhere private.

How is going to masturbate in a room where people are not "odd behaviour"?

Sounds like basic fucking manners to me.

[Joysmum]

Reading this I thought it was a constant problem, not an occasional occur acne over a number of years. Shame you can't just say something at the time, why not?

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

if you have sex in it what's the difference!

The difference is that sex is something we do TOGETHER when both of us are awake.

Masturbation is something PRIVATE that you do ALONE.

I have no more interest in hearing my husband toss himself off than I have in hearing my parents shagging.

There are things I don't want to ever know about or hear and other people's sex lives are one of those things.

I think it is totally grim and really fucking weird to openly wank yourself off in front of someone else, not as part of sex, but as though it doesn't matter to you that they are there and being forced to witness your private moment.

Ughghghghgh

Thank fucking god DH doesn't think this is OK. I would have to leave him.

[WhateverTrevor83]

Mrs The difference between him using a tissue and his pants are that his pants have been used and he sounds like the type of man who almost certainly will have skid marks

If he can't be arsed putting his wanky-socks in the washer then I doubt he can summon the enthusiasm to wipe his arse properly

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

If he can't be arsed putting his wanky-socks in the washer then I doubt he can summon the enthusiasm to wipe his arse properly

enthusiasm :o

[chillthefXXkout]

Been wondering whether to write on here or not... but the OP's post couldn't be more timely. Last night, DP was wanking and on a porn site whilst I was cooking dinner - the problem with this is it was literally behind my back - we have an open plan kitchen/living area and he was at the table. I'm usually really open and communicative but I found myself so shocked I couldn't say anything. But it's weird, right? Your responses to the OP are making me kick myself for not just having it out with him...

[MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic]

Reaching a bit there Trevor

By the end of this thread the OP's DH will be blowing his nose on Nun's skirts, mooning out the front windows and bathing in the blood of virgins. And then wanking. (OP, if that sounds familiar may I please be the first to say LTB )

OP and her DH clearly have a lot to discuss. I hope they sort things out to a mutually satisfactory conclusion.

[WhateverTrevor83]

If I sound like a judegemental prude, I'm sorry. But if I want sex and DP doesn't I'm going to either go to sleep - or masturbate. What I'm not going to do is wait until he's asleep and then lie in bed flicking my bean. Masturbation is private and usually (and I suspect especially for men) involves fantasy. I'm not going to watch or listen to my partner masturbate unless I'm involved (ie. foreplay).

The only time in ten years I've been aware of DP masturbating was on Boxing Day night a few years ago. I woke up (don't know if this was because of noise or movement) and there was DP, half asleep with a massive stiffy in his hand and a ridiculous grin on his face.
I gave him a nudge and he woke up and said that he'd had a dream about bikini beach volleyball! We laughed about it and it still tickles me to this day. But if that happened regularly I would be gutted - NOT at the masturbation, but the lack of privacy.

My DP may be up all night knocking one out for or I'll know - good luck to him if he is - but if he is, he's clearly got the manners, self-respect and grasp of hygience to dispose of his cum on to a tissue and flush it down the loo like a grown up.

OP please speak to him - an opinion poll on masturbation on here is not necessary it's about how you feel about it. If you want him to do it away from you or at least clean up after it - tell him. I still think he should know this himself and not need to be told... but do tell him. Discuss together what the etiquette is between you... and come to a compromise.

Good luck x

[Bluegrass]

JoinYourPlayfellows. You clearly have your own very strong ideas about what is and isn't permissible and what privacy means but you certainly don't speak for everyone. In fact your position baffles me slightly in the context of what a loving and intimate couple should feel free to do in their own home and their own bed. We're all different though and there is no right or wrong when it comes to sexual behaviour as long as both people are on the same page.

The only way to let someone know you are not on the same page as them is by talking about it, which is why good communication is one of the most important skills in any relationship. Sure he should be tidier, but she needs to tell him how she. Feels about him wanking in bed as her position can't be assumed, any more than yours could be.

[Offred]

It's not wanking that's disgusting.

It's not wanking in your partner's company that's disgusting.

It is crossing your partner's sexual boundaries by wanking in bed with her when you know she doesn't like it or want you to do it.

It's subjecting people, who don't want to be subjected to it, to sexual activity.

It is not cleaning up after yourself (which is another way of exposing people to your sexual activity against their will).

[WhateverTrevor83]

Mrs Haha the nun's skirt... that's so funny!

I take it back, maybe he does wipe his bum haha

[Offred]

If the op liked any of the things mentioned she wouldn't have posted.

I don't mind wanking in bed, I'm not sure I'd be hugely bothered by having to clean up after bf because he doesn't live here. But I'm not the op and anyone who pushes unwanted sexual activity onto anyone else is bang out of order.

[Offred]

It isn't unreasonable of her to dislike any of the things mentioned.

[Bluegrass]

As far as I'm aware though she hasn't yet told him she doesn't like him doing it.

[MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic]

Offred

Which is why we're telling the OP to talk to her DH. There's absolutely no point in assuming he knows any of this. If she tells him and he doesn't care then they've got issues in their relationship that go way beyond this particular problem, but atm as far as we or she knows he doesn't know she wakes up, or that she can hear through the door, or that she's upset.

[WhateverTrevor83]

Yes Blue but she's going to - aren't you OP? Go for it - you've nothing to lose (although you may miss those lovely crusty socks haha).

Let us know how it goes :-)

[Offred]

Do you normally just assume sexual activity is ok without finding out first?

[Offred]

Think they have problems whatever tbh. It's not that I think she shouldn't talk to him. I just don't think he should be let off the hook with "well he didn't know". That's not an excuse.

[Bluegrass]

Offered - do you ask permission to take your clothes off in front of your partner when getting changed?

If not they may think you are forcing them to be an unwilling participant in your exhibitionism. They could think you are blatantly flashing them for kicks but they haven't had the courage to tell you. They may be plucking up that courage by asking an Internet forum for their views right now.

[WhateverTrevor83]

Chill wanking to porn when you are in the room... that is disrespectful. Are you OK? Must have been a shock. Unless he was trying to get your attention and involve you some how? Hmm.

Out of interest, what happened to the cum? Have you checked the tablecloth? no really - that does seem a bit odd.

[Offred]

Taking your clothes of isn't sexual activity.

It isn't anything to do with asking permission

Why on every thread ever that is about consent to people come up with this rubbish about asking permission?!

It is about consent.

When you want some actual not just nakedness sexual activity around someone or with someone else the onus is on you to establish that the other person it affects consents.

That's the law.

I also think it is the correct approach.

I would not start wanking in bed with someone that I hadn't discussed it with first because I have respect for other people's right to consent and I wouldn't do it when I knew it wasn't welcome because that is abusive.