Masturbation etiquette - AIBU?

[WeaselLulu]

I don't know whether IABU or whether to broach any of this with DP.

What I want to say is:
Dear DH,

I know that masturbation is normal, natural & necessary and that it is messier for men than it is for women however I feel that there are some rules/etiquette that needs to be followed.

1. I find it very annoying when I wake up to the bed shuddering and you huffing and puffing. I never know whether to let you know I am awake or just lie there cringing with embarrassment. To be fair, the shuddering has improved since we switched to a memory foam mattress.
   
2. Could you please not use your pants or your socks to wipe yourself and then leave them down the side of the bed?
   
3. Please lock the bathroom door.
   
4. Don't do it in our home office (where there is no lock).
   
5. I find it disturbing to hear you in the bathroom moaning with vigorous rubbing sounds at 6.30 in the morning when I am trying to enjoy my first coffee of the day. The door is NOT sound proof.
   

(and breathe).

I do sound a bit ranty but I needed to get it off my chest. I am very discrete about my own masturbation. I don't like being confronted with evidence of DH's, especially as I don't feel we have frequent enough sex.

[Jan45]

For those pitying him for nowhere to go, there's the shower? Pounding away next to anyone who is asleep is both weird and disrespectful whether married or not.

He can wank 'til his heart's content in bed, just not when his OH's in it too, trying to sleep! He sounds like a dog.

[Jan45]

And, as for leaving soiled socks or pants down the side of the bed, words fail me.

[Bluegrass]

I always thought the etiquette if you you woke up to find your partner touching themselves was to ask if they wanted a hand (assuming of course that you are in the mood and you still find they turn you on).

I guess we've been doing it wrong all these years and should try being sickened or disgusted with each other instead, although to be honest that sounds like less fun. Still, every day's a learning day on MN!

[MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic]

So he should get up and go and do it in another room? Really? And that wouldn't be odd behaviour...

And does he actually know that the OP has changed her sleeping habits because of this? He's not a bloody mindreader. And probably not an exhibitionist hence waiting until OP is asleep before doing it - maybe he gets the urge in the middle of the night, or finds it an easy way to get to sleep on occasion, or doesn't want OP to be obliged to 'help out'. None of us know because we're not him, but I doubt it's a thought out plan to 'disrepect' and belittle his DW - if it is she's got bigger issues than this!

OP - please talk to your DH. Whatever the rights and wrongs of the current situation you can't sort anything out without some form of communication.

[MrsBryan]

why don't you suggest he goes to bed a bit before you?

other than that I wouldn't write him a note just say ' I can hear you' outside the bathroom door.

[IslaValargeone]

For the love of God, please tell me men don't really wipe on the curtains?

[WhateverTrevor83]

It's the disposal of the jiz that's minging, not what he's doing (although still think next to you in the bed is out of order)... Why would anyone fancy a man who acts like a pig? Is he potty trained yet or does he poo next to the bed as well?
He could at least put his pants in the washer afterwards if he's going to use them to collect it. Has he got no pride?

I've going to be thinking about this all afternoon I can tell. Me and DP are working from home this afternoon while we have a plumber in. I just said that someone on MN's bloke had left cummy pants by the bed and DP and (nosy) plumber both said 'dirty bastard' in unison!

This serves me right for nosying on MN when I should be working

OP please tell him he's out of order... don't tell him off for wanking obviously but can he not be more discrete about it? And clean up afterwards?

[Jan45]

MrsDTK: No, he should go take a shower or put the radio on if he's worried about disturbing anyone (which in this case, he certainly is not).

In all my long relationships with men who have regularly masturbated they've never had the need to do this! It's a complete lack of consideration on his part. FFS, it's a house they live in, not one room.

She hasn't changed her sleeping habits, he's wakening her up with his wanking.

I doubt any mature adult man has the urge so bad he has to knock one out regardless of who is sleeping next to him.

No not a plan, just not giving a fuck for her feelings.

And, this isn't helped by the fact that the OP wants more sex.

[WhateverTrevor83]

PS Isla yep - some do! My best friend is newly single and went on a bit of a dating binge... and I loved hearing all the details after being with DP ten years.

At one point she was seeing a guy for a few weeks she really liked (I met him too and he was very polite etc) but she told me one night she came out of the loo after going to freshened up after they'd had sex to find him dabbing his balls on the curtains! She threw him out immediately... haha. F'ing minging gits.

[SarahBumBarer]

I feel a bit sorry for him. It is NOT a "lot of wanking". OP has said he does it once or twice a month, maybe less. OP is sensitive to it partly as a result of her own failings in having bottled up her thoughts/feelings.

It is not his fault that the bathroom door is so thin and where is he supposed to do it but in his own bed and when? It is also not his fault that you have posted on here making him sound like some constantly wanking deviant rather than ever speaking to him about this! It is not like you have told him and he refuses to listen and you have now caused lots of people to call him revolting, gross, rank, sickening etc. If that is also how you feel about him OP then you have some big issues in your marriage.

No I would not like my DH to do this next to me - he on the other hand would probably be quite turned on by me doing this. But I would just tell him and I would not give a rats ass if he wanted to do it in the shower.

[MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic]

Quote from OP (which is what I was referencing)

But this thread has made me realise that I have altered my bedtime so that it can not happen. I go to sleep only when I am confident he is going to sleep too

But the same goes for waking her up - she needs to tell him. They need to talk about him being for discreet, about him picking up his dirty clothes (which he should do anyway) and work out some kind of compromise and if she does want more sex (and I cba to look back and see if she said that) they need to talk about that too.

[MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic]

for? more, sorry! Fat fingers

[WhateverTrevor83]

Yep - talk about it definitely. We're all agreed on that.

But - she shouldn't have to adjust what time she goes to bed to avoid his masturbating timetable. That's bonkers. It's his responsibility to find an appropriate and discrete place/time to do it. Alone. The argument that he might get midnight urges makes him sound like a randy 14 year old.

[enlightenmequick]

God my dp's crusty boxers and sock have been under the bed for over 2 weeks!

I find it rank, but i'm not moving them. Mine does it way more than once or twice a month too. More like every other day.

Puts me right off him.

[MostWicked]

I don't understand why anyone would be disgusted by their partner having a wank. Why is it disrespectful? Why on earth is it embarrassing or cringeworthy?

We have no lock on the bathroom door. I have no problem if he has a wank in the bed next to me - we've both done that before.
He's never left a mess so I assume he uses tissues.

If it is changing your sleep habits, then you need to talk to him.

[WhateverTrevor83]

Have you told him that you've seen them and to get rid of them? Would he think it's funny or be mortified?
Jesus, feel so sorry for people in this position!

[WhateverTrevor83]

Wicked it's not the wanking that's disgusting - it's the cummy-pants that are gross and are direspectful. Shows a total lack of manners, hygiene and... what's the word I'm looking for... pride?

[Jan45]

But this thread has made me realise that I have altered my bedtime so that it can not happen. I go to sleep only when I am confident he is going to sleep too

This makes it even worse! He sounds like a total pig, he can't even be assed to pick up his soiled socks and pants, how disgusting is that.

You don't have to look back, it's right above you:
especially as I don't feel we have frequent enough sex.

I'd be checking my bed sheets and towels, this man sounds like as well as being a selfish git, he has no hygiene whatsoever.

[Bluegrass]

How is he supposed to know that she doesn't like him wanking in bed unless she explicitly tells him. Not everyone has a problem with it, it's a warm comfy place and if you have sex in it what's the difference!

[Jan45]

Well hopefully when she hands him her letter, he'll get the message loud and clear. So she has to remind him not to leave soiled pants and socks down the side of the bed, is he pubescent or regressing??? Doesn't posses toilet paper or tissues - sure he does, he just can't be assed.

[SarahBumBarer]

"But this thread has made me realise that I have altered my bedtime so that it can not happen. I go to sleep only when I am confident he is going to sleep too"

This makes it even worse! He sounds like a total pig

How is it worse? How is he supposed to know? OP has chosen to do this rather than communicate with him.

[nessus]

OP, has the issue been raised about your incompatible sex drive? Once a week is clearly insufficient for someone with your dh appetite.

[Jan45]

Because if you are lying next to someone in bed masturbating there's a good chance you may wake them up, fgs.

Obviously some folk on here thinks it's ok with them, it isn't for the OP and the majority of us on here. I'm all for masturbating, for both sexes but c'mon, show a bit consideration and be a bit discreet, it's not difficult.

The wiping on the pants and socks no matter what the circs is absolutely gross and I wouldn't find him attractive in the least, I'd wonder if he actually showered and changed himself.

Poor OP picking them up and trying to unfold them whilst they are stuck together, nice surprise that.

[nessus]

And yes to what Bluegrass said in its entirety.

[MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic]

I don't see the difference between wiping himself clean with pants/t-shirts or tissues tbh, as long as he picks them up himself. It's just polite and good manners. She needs to stop picking up his laundry full stop.