Masturbation etiquette - AIBU?

[WeaselLulu]

I don't know whether IABU or whether to broach any of this with DP.

What I want to say is:
Dear DH,

I know that masturbation is normal, natural & necessary and that it is messier for men than it is for women however I feel that there are some rules/etiquette that needs to be followed.

1. I find it very annoying when I wake up to the bed shuddering and you huffing and puffing. I never know whether to let you know I am awake or just lie there cringing with embarrassment. To be fair, the shuddering has improved since we switched to a memory foam mattress.
   
2. Could you please not use your pants or your socks to wipe yourself and then leave them down the side of the bed?
   
3. Please lock the bathroom door.
   
4. Don't do it in our home office (where there is no lock).
   
5. I find it disturbing to hear you in the bathroom moaning with vigorous rubbing sounds at 6.30 in the morning when I am trying to enjoy my first coffee of the day. The door is NOT sound proof.
   

(and breathe).

I do sound a bit ranty but I needed to get it off my chest. I am very discrete about my own masturbation. I don't like being confronted with evidence of DH's, especially as I don't feel we have frequent enough sex.

[Bluegrass]

You are adding your own rules though. Context is everything. In a different context exposing yourself deliberately to someone could end up with you in trouble with the police, as could wanking next to someone who is unaware. What otherwise can stop these acts from being criminal (or even disrespectful) is context and the intention of the person doing it.

In both cases the other party can object, and that changes the situation entirely. Until then though I would say that in the context of an intimate, loving adult relationship both are fine in the absence of any objections.

[MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic]

I don't think masturbating in the same room whilst she's asleep is involving her in sexual activity, but we obviously have different views on that so aren't going to agree.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

Thank you Offred, you've expressed it much better than I can.

This is the nub of it for me:

When you want some actual sexual activity around someone or with someone else the onus is on you to establish that the other person it affects consents.

I have never TOLD DH that I don't want him to wank with me in the room, but it has not occurred to me that that is something that needs to be said.

If he wanted to do that, then it would be up to him to establish that I didn't mind.

[Stridence]

If I were you I'd piss the bed whilst going "Aaaah!" If he asks what the hell you are doing tell him you couldn't be arsed taking your needs to the bathroom.

[WhateverTrevor83]

Mrs if it's waking her up and she's faced with the evidence (eg the infamous pants/socks) then it is involving her... although tbh to him (if I must) if he doesn't realised she's awake then that's different.

OP why didn't you tell him you were awake the times it woke you up? Were you embarrassed? Worried about embarrassing him? Frightened? Disgusted? I think my natural instinct would be to shout 'Oi!' (I'm romantic like that) rather than stay silent and still. It makes me wonder if you're a bit scared of the wanking/him... but forgive me if I'm jumping to conclusions.

But Mrs is right - we clearly don't all agree on some of the fundamentals here... If they spoke about things like this on Question Time I'd watch it more often

[WhateverTrevor83]

Stridence

[WallyBantersJunkBox]

I feel a bit sad that after all that time together in a relationship you haven't been able to broach the subject in a jokey way op.

Not great communication is it?

Do you wash his wanksock or does he take care of it himself?

[Ledkr]

I've got 3 grown boys now left home and have been married twice and I have never heard or seen any evidence of any wanking in my life.
Surely the whole point is that it's a private thing not done next to a skeeping partner or in the downstairs loo while the family are having breakfast!

[WhateverTrevor83]

It's not a wanksock wally he just uses whatever underwear is closest by the sound of it. He can't even commit to one particular sock...

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

I'm a pretty good communicator and not backward about making my feelings known, but I would really struggle with this.

It would make me feel so embarrassed and so awkward and like I'd been witness to something that he should have kept entirely to himself.

Honestly, it's hard to express how much I would hate this and how awkward and unhappy it would make me feel.

Some people think it's fine, but I would really struggle to talk about this.

I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to know about it. I don't want anybody else to know about me doing it.

I don't think it's really fair to blame the OP for how she feels about this or that she doesn't want to talk to her husband about his masturbation habits.

[Bluegrass]

Thread's definitely an eye opener. Perhaps if doing it together, or watching each other do it is a standard part of how you enjoy each other it doesn't seem at all odd or significant that one of you might be doing it whilst the other sleeps. As I said earlier, we're all very different.

[Pigsmummy]

Men are eejits, he probably thinks that the OP hasn't a clue that he is whacking one out.

Talk to him about it OP. yes it's normal, healthy etc but if it is so intrusive tell him. A furtive wank in bathroom is surely the way forward here?

[MrsBryan]

I actually find it very difficult to relax at night without sexual release. So quite often I masturbate with husband next to me.

He knows about it, sometimes grunts and rolls the other way which just means more bed space for me.

I can't see what the big deal is.

[WhateverTrevor83]

THE 'BIG DEAL' IS LEAVING CUM STAINED PANTS NEXT TO THE BED FOR OP TO SEE AND CLEAR AWAY.

My word. Do some people think this is normal? I'm blown away really am. Absolutely rank. NOT wanking, but the jiz not getting cleaned up. Yuck.

[MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic]

I don't think anyone is laying blame on the OP, Join but it's a bit of a Catch 22 really. She might very well be too embarrassed to bring it up, but she's going to have to unless she wants to lay there and get more and more resentful and upset about it. And some people do find it harder than others - my DH wouldn't even talk about it with our DSs which meant I had to skirt around the issue with that one bastard. I think I could count on one hand the amount of times we've talked about it in relation to ourselves over the last 27 years, but I would still expect that if he had a problem about it wrt me he'd open his mouth and tell me! same goes for any other problems, no matter how hard to deal with.

[MrsBryan]

Not sure how to answer that stridence.

Do you want a blow by blow? I walk on two legs, my husband is not a visitor? I am in my own bed?
I'm not as hairy - nearly but not quite, I am rather larger than a poodle, I birth singular human children rather than puppies, I can communicate by typing.

Is that enough?

[MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic]

Stridence. Congratulations. You win this weeks award for sexual shaming. Go you.

[WhateverTrevor83]

MrsB ha - do you stick your head out of the window on long car journeys?

[MrsBryan]

Only sometimes because I love it when my ears do that flappy thing

[Stridence]

MrsDmitri, here's 50p..go and buy yourself a sense of humour.

[MrsBryan]

Stridence, here is a spot of lube, go and relieve yourself, you seem a bit tense.

[Stridence]

Thanks, MrsBryan, but I can't reach thanks to being nine months pregnant. Herein, perhaps, lies my problem...

[MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic]

at MrsBryan

[chillthefXXkout]

WhateverTrevor No I'm not really ok, and no it wasn't in a sexy involve me kind of way... It is weird and I don't know what to do about it. But nor do I want to hijack someone else's thread!