Masturbation etiquette - AIBU?

[WeaselLulu]

I don't know whether IABU or whether to broach any of this with DP.

What I want to say is:
Dear DH,

I know that masturbation is normal, natural & necessary and that it is messier for men than it is for women however I feel that there are some rules/etiquette that needs to be followed.

1. I find it very annoying when I wake up to the bed shuddering and you huffing and puffing. I never know whether to let you know I am awake or just lie there cringing with embarrassment. To be fair, the shuddering has improved since we switched to a memory foam mattress.
   
2. Could you please not use your pants or your socks to wipe yourself and then leave them down the side of the bed?
   
3. Please lock the bathroom door.
   
4. Don't do it in our home office (where there is no lock).
   
5. I find it disturbing to hear you in the bathroom moaning with vigorous rubbing sounds at 6.30 in the morning when I am trying to enjoy my first coffee of the day. The door is NOT sound proof.
   

(and breathe).

I do sound a bit ranty but I needed to get it off my chest. I am very discrete about my own masturbation. I don't like being confronted with evidence of DH's, especially as I don't feel we have frequent enough sex.

[NancyJones]

Oh the waking up to it wouldn't bother me. I've woken up to DH wanking before. I've usually rigged gone straight back to sleep or told him to wank a bit quieter. Problem is if I alert him to my being awake he'll try to encourage me to join in which I'm less than keen on at 3am! He's not always properly awake though. However, he not particularly noisy. I'm just a terrible sleeper.
I imagine the majority of his masturbation takes place in the shower as I've occasionally teased him about having a ridiculously long Sunday morning shower and he gets all kissy kissy telling me he was thinking about me. As if I believe that!

The bottom line is that he's disrespecting you and it's unfair esp as there are issues with your sex life.

[rainbowfeet]

Reading this & feeling glad to be single!!

[fiftyandfab]

EBear...you mean CONDUCIVE!

[Offred]

1-5 are completely reasonable. I don't think it is ok to secretly wank off in bed next to your partner if they don't like it, he should clean up after himself, and shouldn't do it where people can walk in on him. I'm not sure if you can live with someone and avoid ever hearing them wank, but this is different if kids are hearing it. If they are he should be quieter or wait till they are out of the house.

I often wonder if my bf has been wanking at work or in the car as he seems to find time to do it 9 times a day sometimes despite being at work or in the car 12 hours a day sometimes! It doesn't bother me though. I don't think he's be disrespectful enough to wank in the bed while I was sleeping.

[MrsHappyBee]

Urgh in the home office, reminded me of a programme on C4 'Help I can't stop masturbating' where a bloke spent all day sat at a PC wanking, the carpet around his office chair was caked in dried spunk.

[Offred]

Do you think he's sort of wanking 'at' you

Yes, that would be quite abusive though.

[peacefuleasyfeeling]

Oh dear, please don't think I was laughing at you. Your descriptions were so ... colourful, that's all. Of course it's not a non-issue, and I do feel for you. Some good advice here though. Good luck.

[FadBook]

If you don't mind, I've just read this out to DP to gain a mail perspective (making a huge assumption that many on here are female).

He asked how often he's doing this?

He then said it is unusual to not include you.

He also said you should talk to him about it.

I wonder if he's doing it openly instead of actually communicating with you. You need to talk to him OP.

[Helltotheno]

lol @ memory foam mattress!
In my giggles I think I accidentally hit report on someone's post... oops :( sorry

OP he needs telling..

Note to self: impress on DS that jacking off, however enjoyable, is a private matter that doesn't need to be heard or witnessed by all and sundry.

[FadBook]

WTF - male not mail... I can't even blame wine. I'll blame tiredness for my extremely poor use of words

[Walkacrossthesand]

Don't worry helltotheno, I frequently hit 'report' by accident on my phone but actually sending the report requires a few more steps that would be hard to do accidentally

[Sparrowlegs248]

Oh dear. I'm afraid i would be really unhappy with this behaviour. I think you should read your letter out to him.

[ThinkFirst]

Ew ew ew at No 2, and sorry but I lol at No 5. That kind of behaviour is disrespectful, some of it gross. He should be do8ng it in private, whic means no one else is disturbed by it, can hear it, possibly walk in on it and certainly not left to clean up his messes. Show him your OP and the thread.

[dementedma]

God, takes me back. Hated it when dh used to wank in bed.making a point that he wasn't getting enough. Found it huge ly disrespectful and gross tbh.

[EBearhug]

Yes, I did mean conducive, thank you all. It's not the only word I've struggled to think of tonight, and the others were far more common ones.

< This probably just means I'm tired and should go to bed... >

[WeaselLulu]

hi ladies + male perspective, I'll come back tomorrow. Too tired tonight.

[Everythingwillbeok]

Yes agree with all the other comments I'm afraid,really rude and disrespectful. He must know you feel embarrassed and uncomfortable about this. You shouldn't feel like this in your own home I bet you don't know when you're going to hear him doing it next do you?

[NeverKnowinglyUnderstood]

DH says that you should bring it up with your partner
and say that you expect more discretion.
He either fancies you being involved - so he should initiate something
or he should be totally private about it.

fwiw, there are times that we want to have sexual contact without intercourse it is ok imo to masturbate with your partner present of your partner is consenting if you know what I mean.

[MissHobart]

If I woke to OH wanking in the bed beside me I'd be mortified! If we're both in bed and he's horny I'd rather he asked me to help! If he didn't want to disturb me, just fancied a quick one, I'd eject him to leave the room and do it somewhere else! I wouldn't wank in secret laid next to him either! I think it's quite disrespectful!

I'm more shocked at the perceived about OP's OH wanks! In bed, in the bathroom and in the office, all when there's other people the house?!

Also as adults I'd expect him to have some tissues at the ready and not to spunk into his socks in an attempt to hide what he's been up to like a teenager!

Your comment about the memory foam mattress did make me grin though!

[MissHobart]

*not eject, expect!

Is his knob not sore?

[RonaldMcDonald]

I don't find it all all rude or disrespectful.

I have an issue with him being untidy though

[Starballbunny]

Doesn't bother me at all, bar the leaving your underpants by the bed bit, but collecting everyone's scattered laundry seems to be calved in stone on my SAHMs employment contract.

He mastibates next to me and I mastibate next to him, he'd have sex more often than I can be bothered, but we rub along ok.

[WeaselLulu]

I'm back as I can't sleep. A bit of ranting has opened a can of worms for me. There are other issues, I think.

First of all, I need to say that all the items in my list have happened infrequently at various points over a ten year period (if not longer). We have been together for over 20 years. I reread the OP and it sounds like he is wanking all the time. As far as I know, this is not the case. I hear/see evidence once or twice a month, maybe less.

The wanking next to me sleeping has not happened in a long time. But this thread has made me realise that I have altered my bedtime so that it can not happen. I go to sleep only when I am confident he is going to sleep too. That is not healthy but I was not really aware I was doing it. I do need to talk to him.

It is unsettling because I don't know when it is going to happen & it makes me feel uncomfortable in my own bedroom.

I am generally anxious & lacking in confidence in my own judgement. When I posted my OP, I expected Mumsnet to laugh & tell me to get over myself, that everybody does this and that that is the way things are. This thread has made me realise that I am entitled to my feelings & I should voice them.

Finally, the bathroom door is really thin. One can hear everything - the passing of wind, the buzzing of the toothbrush, even the unrolling of the loo roll or the drying oneself with a towel, everything. So he is not that loud, it is just that I can hear everything.

Somebody mentioned children: there is no chance of their hearing as our bathroom is ensuite so they would have to come through our bedroom + they are never around late at night or at 6.30 in the morning.

[WeaselLulu]

PS: to those of you who were feeling guilty about laughing at the memory foam mattress, don't feel guilty! I was trying to be funny.

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

It's not the point of the thread, but can you get a better door for the bathroom?