Masturbation etiquette - AIBU?

[WeaselLulu]

I don't know whether IABU or whether to broach any of this with DP.

What I want to say is:
Dear DH,

I know that masturbation is normal, natural & necessary and that it is messier for men than it is for women however I feel that there are some rules/etiquette that needs to be followed.

1. I find it very annoying when I wake up to the bed shuddering and you huffing and puffing. I never know whether to let you know I am awake or just lie there cringing with embarrassment. To be fair, the shuddering has improved since we switched to a memory foam mattress.
   
2. Could you please not use your pants or your socks to wipe yourself and then leave them down the side of the bed?
   
3. Please lock the bathroom door.
   
4. Don't do it in our home office (where there is no lock).
   
5. I find it disturbing to hear you in the bathroom moaning with vigorous rubbing sounds at 6.30 in the morning when I am trying to enjoy my first coffee of the day. The door is NOT sound proof.
   

(and breathe).

I do sound a bit ranty but I needed to get it off my chest. I am very discrete about my own masturbation. I don't like being confronted with evidence of DH's, especially as I don't feel we have frequent enough sex.

[pumpkinsweetie]

I agree beachside it rather berates real abuse victims imho. How sexual abuse can be compared to a womens husband jerking off goes beyond my realms of thinking!
Do actual people in real life actually believe such things???

[Chicanery]

@ roozter, I think the answer has to be to join in.

My DP has a sex drive the size of a small solar system - and I thought I was bad. :o

There are (a few) occasions when I don't feel like sex, so I join in with his pleasures.

Prostate massage being a particular biggie. It doesn't 'do anything' for me in an erotic sense, but I derive a great deal of enjoyment from watching him writhe in ecstasy.

I have a feeling that most men secretly love this but are afraid to ask their partners for fear of their partners' disgust / their own hangups about thinking that liking anal stimulation means that they are somehow 'gay'.

Try it, OP.

As already said, communication is the key.

[Chicanery]

ETA: We have another game, which I call 'webcam'.

Imagine that you're paying me.

What would you like me to do, for your masturbatory pleasure?

[savingupforanother]

Amazing that although the OP in her OP said 'I would like us to have more sex', there have still been plenty of posts from people who presumably can't read telling her that maybe he isn't getting enough and this is his way of communicating that. Let's not bother straying from the stereotype that men always want it more than women, eh?

[ThinkIMmad]

Sorry not read all replys but what i have read has made me laugh.

I have mixed views tbh as ive just said on another post my DH openly wanks and i havent got a problem with it he wakes up hard every morning without fail and think its just his way to start the day, i often wake up at same time with the alarm clock and if hes lucky he gets an hand or more if i cba then so be it he just gets on. Can barely tell hes doing it tbh and he always cleans up after himself. This hasnt always been the case in our early days he would often nip off to bathroom first thing if he was going alone but i kind of like that he now feels comfortable to do it next to me. I know some of you think its disrespectful of him but i honestly dont have a problem with it. End of the day we all do it at some point dont we?

But im fully aware everyone is different and i find it quite sad that you feel so uncomfortable in your own bed, think your DH needs to be made aware of it and maybe adress the noises and the crusty socks

[FoxesRevenge]

I haven't read the whole thread yet as quite tired and need a wank to go to sleep but I am surprised by some of the responses about it not being acceptable to wank in bed next to your partner. There was a thread in AIBU a few weeks back when the OP was upset because she had heard her partner doing it and she was absolutely flamed. Told apparently that she doesn't control his body and that he can do what he wants in his own bed. The majority of the posters were in agreement.

[Chicanery]

Ok, savingitupforanother what type of sex should the OP's DP communicate that that he wants? Sure as Hell isn't getting it right now.

I can only offer suggestions...

[BelaLugosisShed]

ThinkImmad - you do realise that all healthy men wake up hard don't you?
It doesn't harm them to let it subside naturally, they don't need to wank it away

Tbh, it wouldn't bother me in the least but I can see in some situations that it could be abusive behaviour, it wouldn't be just that in isolation though, there would be other red flags too.

I do think the OP was a wind up - or else where are they?

[ThinkIMmad]

Yes I'm aware most men wake up hard. Its his routine to release it either himself or with help from me. I don't see it an issue at all sets him up for day :). I think he's perfectly aware it won't drop off if he leaves it

[PHunk]

It's a little known fact that it's actually to stop us rolling out of bed in our sleep. Think of it like the kickstand on a motorbike.

[chrissy74]

I see the men are still trawling

[chrissy74]

or should that be Trolling?

[chrissy74]

I will agree with them that DH masturbating is NOT sexual abuse though what an absurd thing to say! I see they call us "the mental" ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha they have no idea

[croixrousse]

Amazing that although the OP in her OP said 'I would like us to have more sex', there have still been plenty of posts from people who presumably can't read telling her that maybe he isn't getting enough and this is his way of communicating that. Let's not bother straying from the stereotype that men always want it more than women, eh?

She says she's not getting enough, so it can't possibly be that he's also getting enough? Maybe he doesn't have a sex drive and is just furiously knocking one out next to her to whip mumsnet up into an ASSAULT!?!@! ZOMG!!! frenzy for kicks.

They probably both need to have more sex, with each other, instead of firing baby batter around the room or pretending to be asleep in between posting here.

[Kompressr]

He should have just had an affair, probably have had a quieter life then putting up with you....

[HomeHelpMeGawd]

Why Kompressr, were you offering, you devil, you?

[MostWicked]

you do realise that all healthy men wake up hard don't you?

No, they don't!
It varies a lot. Some men do, some men don't.
And it's their penis, they can deal with it how they want to deal with it. If they have a partner willing to have sex, then they can do that, or they could wank, or they could just ignore it.

Kompressr 1/10 More effort required.

[Kompressr]

Pah, I refrained from swearing which surely deserves bonus point!

Either way, OP should be relieved he is at least keeping it between their relationship and is introducing a third party to meet his needs. There are more unholy things in this world to loose sleep over then someone meeting their own needs!!!

[pumpkinsweetie]

I agree kompressor!
Wonder whether op ever had that chat or carried on grimacing in those shaky bedsheets

[Ledkr]

My poor dh has to be in work at 7 and he cycles to get there. I don't think he's got time for a wank or shag every morning, I hope his balls don't drop off!

[chrissy74]

Ledkr He'll be too wet cold and tired to even think about having a quick shuffle

[MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic]

I can't believe this thread has trundled on so long without the OP coming back

[RichardLawton]

"I am very discrete about my own masturbation"

Discrete = disconnected
Discreet = private

The choice of words is fascinating for the therapists out here. :-)

[ElizabethX]

My other half never masturbates when he has me in the bed.

I know this because every day without fail I stand the bed sheets up against the wall and check them for stains.

I say without fail - there was one day I didn't because I sprained my wrist trying to bend the sheets back

[newbieman1978]

As I man and husband I wouldn't want my wife to be woken by my masturbating hence I wouldn't do it in bed and on the occasions I did masturbate it was always quietly in private.

I made a new years resolution to not masturbate this year, not for any other reason than as to challenge myself. I didn't masturbate much anyway as I prefer to have sex with my wife and she is of the same feeling (i hope!).

I'd just have a word with him if I was the OP, like others have said he seems to be being overly load and proud. Maybe it's because he wants more sex and doesn't know how to ask for it so is trying to make the OP aware that he wants more....I don't know....just a thought.

Funny the difference between men and women.....For a man (or at least the ones I know) waking or discovering their wife or partner masterbating is a massive turn on! I wish I could catch my wife doing it! She swears she doesn't do it as we have enough sex but I'm not sure ;-)