Masturbation etiquette - AIBU?

[WeaselLulu]

I don't know whether IABU or whether to broach any of this with DP.

What I want to say is:
Dear DH,

I know that masturbation is normal, natural & necessary and that it is messier for men than it is for women however I feel that there are some rules/etiquette that needs to be followed.

1. I find it very annoying when I wake up to the bed shuddering and you huffing and puffing. I never know whether to let you know I am awake or just lie there cringing with embarrassment. To be fair, the shuddering has improved since we switched to a memory foam mattress.
2. Could you please not use your pants or your socks to wipe yourself and then leave them down the side of the bed?
3. Please lock the bathroom door.
4. Don't do it in our home office (where there is no lock).
5. I find it disturbing to hear you in the bathroom moaning with vigorous rubbing sounds at 6.30 in the morning when I am trying to enjoy my first coffee of the day. The door is NOT sound proof.

(and breathe).

I do sound a bit ranty but I needed to get it off my chest. I am very discrete about my own masturbation. I don't like being confronted with evidence of DH's, especially as I don't feel we have frequent enough sex.

The Sexual Offences Act 2003 has been repeatedly criticised for criminalising behaviours that many people believe ought not to be criminal. This is one example.

Another is sexual activity between teenagers, which the Act says is an offence for all types of activity for under 16s, and then the accompanying guidance says won't be prosecuted in most instances. I, and many many others, find that an absolute nonsense. I want the law to be clear, and not subject to the whim of the police and CPS.

I am equally dissatisfied with the law criminalising solo masturbation next to a sleeping partner (or presumably anywhere within earshot, including a locked but thin bathroom door). I understand that there are circumstances in which this can be abusive behaviour, but it is a sledgehammer to crack a nut to have it be against the law.

Pistonheads is awful. They remind me of the sort of blokes that you see in pubs that desperately just try and pull anyone who so much as glances in their direction. Or the sort of guys that play "hilarious" games like pull a pig and see which one of their sad mates can pull what they think is a hideous woman. Urgh. Vile. Pretty sure they are the type of guys who ONLY option is to wank into a sock.

hmm no wonder they all masturbate they are just horrible people.

www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&f=210&t=1144043&mid=63473&i=8080&nmt=Match%2Ecom+%28Volume+5%29&mid=63473

and
www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&f=210&t=768211&mid=63473&nmt=Classic+from+the+mrs%21

quell surprise
It would seem they can give but not take on pistinheads

Or the sort of guys that play "hilarious" games like pull a pig and see which one of their sad mates can pull what they think is a hideous woman.

She squealed.

There's some very uptight prudishness in this thread, more PistonHeads is the order of the day here.

At least they're not using a beaker.

I must say I find pistonheads rathee entertaining
Might join myself!
Seems we all might learn something.
And yes *pistonhead poster I do enjoy my daily romps with dh, infact we had it off 3 times on wednesday

Well I never thought I'd see the day I registered for Mumsnet but there we go.

There are certainly some varied(!) views on this topic. Nice to see that there are some here who're not being drawn into the ridiculous claims of "it's sexual assault!!!OMGZ!!" If the OP can't talk to her husband about something as simple and straightforward as his need to crack one out every couple of weeks then there's something fundamentally wrong with the marriage (especially as she states they don't have sex enough). For men, wanking is nothing sinister, nothing disrespectful - it feels good, it's harming no-one and is actually beneficial to the prostate. Sometimes it's just something to do when we're bored!

I'd suggest that the OP speaks to her husband - not to berate him, accuse him of sexually assaulting him, being 'deviant', 'disgusting' or 'dirty' (heck, you lot invented penis-beaker so you don't get to claim you're purer than the driven snow..). Men have needs, impulses and drives that are often more physical than women realise. As one of my co-PHers noted, if the OP continues down this weird path she'll be back in a couple of years asking why her husband cheated on her... They've been married 20 years, surely they should both have a fairly good idea about each other, each others' needs, drives and desires - and how to fulfil them together.

Stop assuming an automatic 'victim' stance and TALK to him, OP - but talk about HIM, not YOU. It's sad that you're so offended by your husband's sex drive that you would seek to curtail it or stop him. As long as he's not standing spread-eagle at the open window with the lights on spaffing it off into the flower-beds in the front garden, let him get on with it. Heck, offer him a hand - you'll blow his mind and perhaps solve the issue you said you had about there not being enough sex in the marriage.

yeah tell him to do it in the shower not in bed next to you

OP draw up a rota of all the idiots on here who think that you are being a prude for not wanting to touch his wanky pants or offer to wank him off when he's just woken you up with his grunting because he's too f'ing bone idle to go to the lav.

They can toss him off and put his spunky undies in the washer while you get some kip.

That should shut them up.

Phunk you're first up. Get those marigolds ready chuck.

To be fair, that's pretty much the sort of response I was anticipating.

If you look beneath my slightly light-hearted tone I hope it's clear that actually there ARE underlying issues and a lack of communication between the OP and her husband which - with a little time spent talking together - could be fairly easily overcome.

Men have needs, impulses and drives that are often more physical than women realise
phunk what a massive load of sexist bollocks that is.
Have you just fallen from the 1950s?

No not at all. It's widely believed that the male sex drive is more strongly associated with the sexualisation and recreational aspect of goals of sexual desire (ie. the physical nature of sex). This is thought to beneficial in facilitating a stronger male reproductive drive, whereas women tend to express greater emphasis on relational aspects of sexual desire.

It's why, on the whole, we'll get turned on by seeing a bit of cheeky sideboob yet we'll avoid the yawning borefest that was Fifty Shades of Guff in the same way that a vampire avoids the light.

Obviously this isn't true in every case but there's nothing wrong with observing things and commenting on them. If you think they're outdated then so be it.

Nonsense. That is a very old fashioned view of things, men's sexuality is no greater than a woman's and they are certainly able to co rain themselves if necessary (like for example if it may wake or piss off a partner.
The view that "men have certain needs" is a damaging one and has been spouted as an excuse for some pretty devising behaviour over the years.
That said I don't hold the view that in this case it's assault but I do believe that masturbation can be done discreetly most if the time unless its mutual during fore play.
I'd be well pissed off if dh woke me up doing anything never mind wanking, it's just unnecessary and bloody rude.

Moaning that men make a mess is sexist, it's just bloody unnecessary and rude.

Moaning that all men make a mess is sexist. Moaning that this man has made a mess is not, given that he has. People may differ on the acceptability of wankpants, but surely very few people think that a person should not pick up after themselves and put said pants in the wash?

Surely everyone has a different sex drive, regardless of gender?

Some of the advice and posts on here are baffling and bizarre. Assault? Really? Others seem determined to shoot others down who suggest sensible options, albeit with a bit of humour.

I think the OP needs to speak to her husband about the underlying problem. Alternatively, why not be spontaneous and inject some excitement into the marriage? Either that or join in...

People may differ on the acceptability of wankpants, but surely very few people think that a person should not pick up after themselves and put said pants in the wash?

Within what timeframe? 30 nanoseconds? 30 seconds? 30 minutes? 30 days? Once you've chosen a timeframe, what's the acceptable success/failure ratio that individual must meet before moaning to the planet isn't sexist?

He should be given the amount of time it takes to make the mess to clear it up.

10secs should do!

I do believe most men and I say most not all do have higher sex drives than women. But there are also some women this applies to aswell.

I agree that communication here is an issue & maybe if couples communicated more, issues such as this would in most cases be solved.

It's all about compromise, op needs to tell her dh she has seen him wanking and he needs to tell her the reason why he is choosing to do this rather than come on to her.
Maybe they both need to have more sex, aswell as talk more.
And obviously he needs to put the wank pants in the washing machine himself or indeed use tissue

I rather like sex, if I had needs greater than my dh I would tell him, if he needed more I would expect him to tell me and tbh I would be quite happy to wake up to him pleasuring himself and I would most probably give him a hand aswell as anything else we get up too.

Men wank, women wank. We have to do it somewhere and it isn't sexual assault!!! The problem here is that the two of them do not speak to one another.

croixrousse, you can tell when your rhetorical flourishes and stylised arguments are taking you too far, when they lead you to asking questions that are mortifyingly inane. And guess what? That's precisely what's happened here.

As you have explicitly asked for it to be spelled out for you, a good rule of thumb might be "if one masturbates into one's pants in the night and drops them to the side of the bed when finished, one should pick them up when arising in the morning and put them in the laundry, so as not to be a foul skank-beast who leaves them their for one's partner to pick up". I hope that helps. As daily life seems like it may be a bit of a struggle for you to navigate given you need tips on when to pick up wankpants, I can give you some tips on wiping your arse too. Here's a first tip for free: most of us find it helps to do the wiping while still sitting down!

And here's another hint: it helps to focus on what people say, not on what you would like people to have said. For example, you may have liked it if the OP had accused her DH of sexist behaviour; it seems like it would fit your worldview of women behaving unfairly and making spurious accusations of sexism. However, she didn't. She didn't label his behaviour at all.

So your sixth-form sarcastic question "Once you've chosen a timeframe, what's the acceptable success/failure ratio that individual must meet before moaning to the planet isn't sexist?" just makes you sound like the kind of prat who doesn't read things properly.

Incidentally, the syntax of your question is terrible. You really should stick with shorter sentences and simpler words. That way, you can focus on the logic of your argument, which might help you get your thoughts a little bit clearer. God knows, those poor thoughts could use the help, judging by what you've written here.

Pumpkinsweetie, some good advice.

Chrissy74, I'm not sure what sort of area you live in but wanking in or over my porch, which I do own, would be very frowned upon.

The OP isn't the same person that keeps the cup next to her bed is it?

Great, I think we need the OP back now to clarify if the wank pants were found before morning or at some other point in the day.

Thanks for the fanatically erudite arse wiping tip, I'm looking forwards to the next instalment! I'd be fascinated to know if there are any other specialist areas you can proffer further advice on.

Love, hugs, kisses and wank pants all round xxx

MN has reached a new low with this thread and the most amazing responses, or is it a high?

Allegations of sexual assault, cries of 'disgusting behaviour' - all because two people didn't talk to each other.