Masturbation etiquette - AIBU?

[WeaselLulu]

I don't know whether IABU or whether to broach any of this with DP.

What I want to say is:
Dear DH,

I know that masturbation is normal, natural & necessary and that it is messier for men than it is for women however I feel that there are some rules/etiquette that needs to be followed.

1. I find it very annoying when I wake up to the bed shuddering and you huffing and puffing. I never know whether to let you know I am awake or just lie there cringing with embarrassment. To be fair, the shuddering has improved since we switched to a memory foam mattress.
2. Could you please not use your pants or your socks to wipe yourself and then leave them down the side of the bed?
3. Please lock the bathroom door.
4. Don't do it in our home office (where there is no lock).
5. I find it disturbing to hear you in the bathroom moaning with vigorous rubbing sounds at 6.30 in the morning when I am trying to enjoy my first coffee of the day. The door is NOT sound proof.

(and breathe).

I do sound a bit ranty but I needed to get it off my chest. I am very discrete about my own masturbation. I don't like being confronted with evidence of DH's, especially as I don't feel we have frequent enough sex.

but in your latest post offred "All non-consensual offences involve the violation of the victim's sexual autonomy and will result in harm" from reading that i understand it to be that only means if the person is being touched without consent.

But you don't need someone else's consent to masturbate, that is basically the most ridiculous point of view.

It is so draconian, so stifling of human need and what is normal for all animals to do, humans included.

I'd be amazed if the mens rea for sexual assault even came CLOSE to being made out, offred. And there's not a jury in the land that would convict on this fact pattern. So it's a bit of a stretch to claim this is an "offence" when I don't think you could actually make it out to the requisite standard of proof (beyond reasonable doubt). Of course it's different if its part of an ea etc, but we're not talking about that here!

Personally it wouldn't worry me at all (conversely I am one of those who thinks that sex with babies in the room is YUCK) but if the op is uncomfortable with it then she needs to talk to her DH. The bathroom £ office stuff is just silly - would you say the ops h was being disrespectful by playing moderate volume music in his office if the op had never asked him to turn it down?

The wank sock stuff is gross & you should just start putting them under his pillow & stop cleaning up after him.

If we didnt have sex in the same room as the sleeping baby we would never have sex, not that it happens very often anyway

Moomins obviously you are an abusive parent. There is no other explanation!!

wow I'm at the suggestion of sexual assault - and unfortunately I have been in that situation where a stranger at a bus stop masterbated onto my backside. DH doing it in bed beside me does not compare to this situation in the slightest as to how it made/makes me feel.

OP you should talk to your husband if you're not happy with his masturbation habits.

Oh, and men can train themselves to not ejaculate when they orgasm, no mess at all!

This thread gave me nightmares! I dreamt I woke up to hear my OH hiring a prostitute he'd found in a newspaper ad, and then she came round, while I was still in the bed.

Where did you read that izzydazzling? I don't see how that works.

I won't plough through the thread to see if somebody has already posted it but here's Mitchell and Webb's take, the home office carpet stains brought it to mind.

Language not SFW.

I've had chance to sleep on this... And wanky-pants are still a stackable offence.

Ha - sackable I mean (really hope they aren't stacked up...)

But you don't need someone else's consent to masturbate, that is basically the most ridiculous point of view.

It is so draconian, so stifling of human need and what is normal for all animals to do, humans included.

But we all get to adulthood knowing that we can't just masturbate anywhere. You might be fantasising about a gorgeous person at work, but if it turns you on, you can't just put your fingers in your pants to sort yourself out, you need to wait till an appropriate time and place. That time and place isn't next to your partner in bed unless they have consented to it. If they haven't consented, then you need to go to the bathroom (if it's got enough sound-proofing) or somewhere else private, or wait till they've all gone out. I don’t think not masturbating next to someone who doesn't want to share it is that much of a hardship, just respectful of what their desires. It's not the same as forbidding someone from masturbating at all - that would also be wrong.

Motley it gave dp nightmares too, he was dreaming that he was fiddling around with it in his sleep and I accused him of sexual assult

VivianStanshall - they are known as 'dry orgasms'

All I will say is that DH is very kind to socks

Thank you izzy I've googled that now so am that little bit wiser. And not shocked as when I innocently googled dragon butter and lemon party (don't, just don't).

Socks, what's wrong with a good old beaker? No risk of having to wear a "crunchie" if you find you're out of socks.

too late for dragon butter but lemon party...I can never resist a google challenge, sorry

It was a google warning not a challenge izzy!

So is it still sexual assault if the wanking is done in the bathroom but the wife can still hear it?

yes apparently any evidence of the wanking, even if its in your own bloody bathroom while your in the bath is 'sexually assaulting' the people around you.

So when I used to hear my housemates fucking, were they sexual assaulting me?

This is absolutenonsense.

I think I'm going to have to build a nuclear bunker in my garden, so I can go and have a fiddle without inadvertently sexually assaulting someone without realising it.
It will have to be fully wash clean of course, so if DH were to use it, no evidence would be left behind.

Oh god! I'm going to have to find a secret way into it too, because if my neighbours saw me going into the bunker, then I'd come out to be greeted by the police!

Mrs Bryan please don't go ruining this thread by posting sense on it. I was rather enjoying the ridiculousness of the sexual assult assertions!

Well I guess once the dc come along there should be no more sex in case someone hears or catches you at it

No more Sex or masterbation probably

Look, the point is, wanking in the same room/same bed as someone who doesn't like it is verging on assault. Same as kissing the cheek or even the hand of someone who doesn't like it is technically assault.

The OP has said that one way to solve the problem might be a thicker bathroom door, which would have the added advantage of them not having to hear each other's plops and farts, as well as blocking out the H's fapping and grunting.

But in general, someone who continues doing something next to a partner who is cringing away or otherwise displaying reluctance is selfish, insensitive and possibly abusive as well.

Yes but the op hasnt bothered to tell the dh that she knows hes doing it.

If she tells him and he carries on then yes it would be disrespectful and it would make him an arse, but at least tell the man and give him the chance to stop!