In a long affair....please don't read if this will cause you upset/anger.

[alltoomuchnow]

Namechanged. I'm married with 2 children and I've been having an affair for over 6 years now. Something has literally "gone" in my mind and I can't take it any longer. I love OM very much but I know that we'll never be together. As time continues to go by I know that my feelings for him will get stronger. I need to end it all or accept that this is how it will be. I'm not asking for sympathy - I know I've done something very wrong and that I'll be hated on here. But I am human, I have feelings and I don't know how to cope any more. Has anyone been here and has felt this desperate....

Af please stop the bullying, we are all adults here and should behave as such! Thank you.

Why not? I don't think it's about protecting your family. I think you are protecting yourself. I am assuming your husband would leave you if you told him and that is why you are keeping it from him?

How is that bullying? I agree that OP needs to talk if that is what she came here for. I think she may be scared to death that she will out herself if she gives the tiniest scrap of information away by mistake. That is how she lives her life day in day out and it's tiresome and draining.

For example, op, now that you have decided to end it you could talk about how you are going to go about doing that. What are your fears? What if he doesn't want it to end and pressures you to continue, etc.

Yelp, you are not being helpful, even if you were correct about my "bullying". Your white noise in the background is just that...a pointless distraction.

OP - You assume too much Mouseface....our lives are totally separate on many levels. I do not miss events, our children are not at the same school, never have been and never will be...you could not be more wrong in your confident assumptions of me. And just to add, his name is not saved under a female name. Please stop assuming you know me.

Congratulations.

LyingWitch - Mouseface... I think there are some odd assumptions and a bit of dramatic licence in your post because we only know what OP's posted. OP will do what she wants to do and, as you rightly say, it's her business.

Agreed. Yep.

And now I have more pressing issues to deal with, like getting into bed with my husband of many years, knowing that I have not lied to him. EVER. Goodnight to you :) x

OP - the very best of British to you. You are going to need it. And when you tell MM it's over, I hope that he respects that, I truly do. You can ignore the rest of what I have said to you, it was as you say, an assumption.

I apologise.

Be careful. Try to keep your family safe and secure. They are the innocent ones in this scenario. The entire circle.

Well thank you for your suggestion AF. You are right, I very much want and need to talk to someone about my situation but this is clearly not the right place. I guess at the time of posting my thread on Sunday night I was absolutely desperate. The death of someone very close and dear to has brought my world crashing down, not my affair. That has actually given me immediate comfort but I know that it isn't long lasting and true. It's not the case that discovery is around the corner, not at all. If we let it, this affair would carry on.

And LyingWitch, thank you for helping me see what I need to do. I don't have someone in RL to talk to, strange as that may sound. But I will take the advice and consider talking to a person outside of my life who might be able to help me get through all of this. I just am very cautious and quite frankly scared about doing that. Counsellors are human and no doubt they might well judge me in their minds - even if they don't reveal it in their words and reactions.

And now it is time to deregister once and for all - I think I read somewhere that I can even ask mn to block me! Goodbye - really.

its bullying, your comments about my posts can be seen as emotional abuse (my opinion matters not one jot, eh?). you have crossed the line with the comments on this thread and are continually baiting others. that isnt why mumsnet (a business) runs these forums at their own expense, and your acerbic tone doesnt help the standing of the company. lets relax and respect each other. thank you!

It's about bloody time you ended it. 6 fucking years? Your poor husband.

Good luck to you and I truely hope that DH never finds out how decitful and selfish you've been, and if he ever does, you deserve everything thrown at you.

Enjoy your life and enjoy your family. Never forget how truely blessed you are to have that family.

I am sorry for your loss. A family member ? Why couldn't you get comfort from your husband because of that ?

You can deregister if you want to, alltoomuchnow but you don't have to. Give yourself a bit of time to think about it rather than make the decision now perhaps?

You have the right to post here if you want to. There will be people who will listen to you and you can stay anonymous, keeping details neutral so that you don't 'out yourself'. Best wishes.

alltoomuchnow2015 - i commented way back up at the start ive been trying to follow this thread but tbh i cant keep up.

Just wanted to say your making the right decision by finishing it but i guess deep down you already know that. I hope you manage to work out what you want from life and hopefully make your marriage work. It will be such a huge relief i bet once its over, i cannot imagine living a lie like that for 6 days let alone years

I dont condone affairs and i would like to think id never be in the position to be having 1 and i deffinately wouldnt like to be the innocent party but i do accept that sometimes these things happen.

Good luck

Alltoomuch please do not let what posters here have said about judgmental counsellors put you off (some of those posts were ignorant and IMHO were written to put you off). Counsellors deal with this sort of stuff all the time and do not judge. Those who do, breach professional ethics.

Please do seek counseling, you really need someone in RL who you can trust to help you sort this out.

AnyFuckerHQ - People just gravitate towards you, don't they? . I've seen so much truth and cut & dry honesty in many of your posts.

MM, I do seem to attract some unusual new "friends" on occasion, that is for sure

6 years, wow some marriages don't last that long, you must be special to each other particularly as you have a history too. There isn't a definitive answer really, but my guess is that you have come to the conclusion that dh isn't enough for you and therefore on that basis I would end the marriage regardless of who you spend the rest of your life with. If om elects to join you at a later date then true love it is, if not then seek what you have been missing from your marriage elsewhere, you cant accept all the responsibility for your actions as clearly your dh is missing a vital ingredient to keep you. I would see if you can make him aware of this vital ingredient that is lacking to put the flavour into your relationship and if not then jog on and give him a chance to find somebody that he can truly make happy.

Your suicidal feelings are because you want everyone to be happy but realistically it cant happen. You walk away from OM and you will be going mad and missing him and that is what you cannot deal with. On the other hand the thought of splitting with you dh who is a good man is equally as daunting as you don't want to upset him either. Then there is the kids, what you say to them, oh and the family.

I can see your dilemma and think that if you can find somebody you can truly trust to talk this through then do so, otherwise you will keep looking at the suicide card when you get to the non coping, don't know which way to turn point.

Keep talking on here if it helps and try to not notice the negative posts. You cant help who you fall in love with particularly when there is a history too.

6 years, wow some marriages don't last that long, you must be special to each other particularly as you have a history too. There isn't a definitive answer really, but my guess is that you have come to the conclusion that dh isn't enough for you and therefore on that basis I would end the marriage regardless of who you spend the rest of your life with. If om elects to join you at a later date then true love it is, if not then seek what you have been missing from your marriage elsewhere, you cant accept all the responsibility for your actions as clearly your dh is missing a vital ingredient to keep you. I would see if you can make him aware of this vital ingredient that is lacking to put the flavour into your relationship and if not then jog on and give him a chance to find somebody that he can truly make happy.

Your suicidal feelings are because you want everyone to be happy but realistically it cant happen. You walk away from OM and you will be going mad and missing him and that is what you cannot deal with. On the other hand the thought of splitting with you dh who is a good man is equally as daunting as you don't want to upset him either. Then there is the kids, what you say to them, oh and the family.

I can see your dilemma and think that if you can find somebody you can truly trust to talk this through then do so, otherwise you will keep looking at the suicide card when you get to the non coping, don't know which way to turn point.

Keep talking on here if it helps and try to not notice the negative posts. You cant help who you fall in love with particularly when there is a history too.

Whoops sorry double post

OP, please do not imagine for one nano second that a Counsellor will judge you. Believe me, they have seen and heard most things. Find one from the BACP website, check out his/her experience, and make a provisional booking to see how you get on. You only have to divulge as much - or as little - as you want to. A good Counsellor will allow you to take the lead. Will never push for more than you are ready to give. Will work with you to help you find a way through the turmoil you are going through.

I wish you well.

I want to 2nd all that has been said about finding a good counsellor- it's clearly in your best interests to talk to someone and tbh I don't know how you have lived with this secret for 6 years. Isn't it eating you up every day?

If you are so worried about a counsellor judging you - when they are a professional- then you clearly think you are doing something wrong.

If you know that you are doing something wrong by having this affair, then is that not the reason to end it?

And going back to counsellors- affairs and the aftermath are their bread and butter- truly. I don't mean this unkindly so hope you 'get' what I mean: a counsellor might see 5 clients in a day. Your affair would not be that important to them, nor are you! They'd do their best for you, but they wouldn't be remotely shocked or surprised- honestly.

If you did get a bad egg then you simply stop going to them and find someone else. Most offer a free or half-fee assessment session so you can try out a couple first and see who you prefer.

Please get help.

you cant accept all the responsibility for your actions as clearly your dh is missing a vital ingredient to keep you.

I disagree Tenalady we are responsible for our own actions whatever others do or don't do.

And I don't think an affair always signals a "lack" on the part of the cuckold.

She absolutely can and should accept all the responsibility for her actions. Whatever faults there may or may not have been in the relationship, OP had the option of leaving it.

She didn't want to do that because she knows she has a cushy set up. She doesn't work and her children are older. She doesn't want to give up that lifestyle.

She chose to cheat. Her dh can't bear any responsibility for that because he doesn't even know about it.

I disagree with tenalady too

This woman holds all the responsibility

I'm assuming that OP doesn't work because DH has a good job...

With a bit of luck he's been banging his secretary for six years as well. Then everyone's a winner (apart from the OM's DW... maybe they have a gardener!).

Sorry for taking the piss, but this thread has turned in to a pantomime! It's ridiculous. OP has said a few times she's got some good advice and now has gone again. Maybe she'll be back, it's a free country, maybe not.

But shall we just concentrate on people who are a) online and b) struggling and c) haven't had 24 pages of responses... Just a thought.

Hope everyone's having a nice day!

I am doing a) b) and c) as well

but I couldn't let that statement go. People on the receiving end of such a level of deception should take no responsibility for it...the choices made by another are entirely out of their hands (barring abuse/coercion etc and there has been no hint of that here)

If Op had stuck around, with a bit of well-renowned MN Relationships board probing, I think we would have discovered a lot more about the relationship between OP and her husband (the fact that she took no comfort from him when she suffered a bereavement, for example)

but, on the level of info provided (virtually zero) I think it unfair to assume there is something lacking in her H

I agree... and while I don't condone affairs (especially ones lasting 6 years) I can't really blame her for holding off on giving a lot of insight. There was so much mud-slinging and accusations amongst posters who were picking holes in each other's advice that she was probably bricking it to say anything about her DH.

It's like the booze thread... someone says 'I did this... these were the consequences - what should I do?' and then there's pages of 'I can't believe you did that! That's terrible!'. It's because these topics are so huge and damaging to relationships I know, but it still isn't helpful. It's like someone asking for directions and the other person describing what's in front of them. If that makes sense.

I just find it a bit sad, in every sense. I mean, I've only been on MN a few days and I'm really disappointed TBH.
There's so much respect, support, understanding, acceptance and sisterhood (oh god, I sound like my mum who is a total hippy!) for other subjects, any subject (had some great advice about early pregnancy etc) - until boys are involved!

On this particular thread anyway - some of us have descend in to loony fishwives (total exaggeration I know) - pages and pages of judging each other and taking sweeping statements and assumptions about not only OP but each other.

I'm hiding the thread now but there's some people in real pain on other threads who've just discovered texts on their DH's phone etc. Rather than telling OP over and over how out of order she is (when she already knows) - let's go and support them, if we think cheaters are so terrible.

See you over there :-) ABC, easy as 1,2,3...