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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

In a long affair....please don't read if this will cause you upset/anger.

641 replies

alltoomuchnow · 16/02/2014 14:28

Namechanged. I'm married with 2 children and I've been having an affair for over 6 years now. Something has literally "gone" in my mind and I can't take it any longer. I love OM very much but I know that we'll never be together. As time continues to go by I know that my feelings for him will get stronger. I need to end it all or accept that this is how it will be. I'm not asking for sympathy - I know I've done something very wrong and that I'll be hated on here. But I am human, I have feelings and I don't know how to cope any more. Has anyone been here and has felt this desperate....

OP posts:
FlatCapAndAWhippet · 16/02/2014 16:03

You owe it to yourself and your family to stop it.

He doesn't love you enough to leave his family, nor you yours, so as far as I can see, the love, however much there is, isn't enough is it?

FlatCapAndAWhippet · 16/02/2014 16:05

and how can you do this to the people that love you, your husband and kids. It's all so much deceit, so many lies.

Sortyourmakeupout · 16/02/2014 16:06

Putting a warning on a title thread is the least of your worries.

if you feel suicidal, how do you think this mans wife and your husband are going to feel when they find out that you have lied and deceived them for six yrs.

you know what you need to do here, so get on and do it.

you can make all the excuses in the world for not ending it. If he wanted to be with you, he would do everything he could to make it happen.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 16/02/2014 16:14

A relation of mine by marriage had a long, long affair. Eventually she left her husband, and when the truth came out there was almighty fall out.

Her children barely speak to her - they cannot get past all the times that she must have lied to them in order to keep her affair secret.

I have no respect, and no sympathy for you at all. You have, as all cheaters do, dressed your sordid little affair up as a grand passion in your mind. Which I'm sure justifies it to you, but do you suppose that will hold any water with your husband and children? With his wife?

If you have any love for your family then you will end your marriage without unburdening the nasty reality onto them.

Hopasholic · 16/02/2014 16:22

Think of it this way, of the shit hits the fan and your husband and his wife find out, his kids are young and will, quite likely still have a relationship with him. Yours are teenagers and will vote with their feet. They will NEVER forgive you. They will cling to their dad and when it's their graduation/wedding/grandchilds birth, they might still not want you in their life.

Is he worth it now? because there is not a man on earth that is worth forfeiting that for, for me anyway.

Hopasholic · 16/02/2014 16:24

when not of

itsbetterthanabox · 16/02/2014 16:36

You can either be in a relationship with om and leave your husband. What is the point of being in a marriage without honesty and trust?
Or do no contact with other man (you must both agree) and tell your husband about the affair. If you truly care about your marriage you will do this. If you love him then he deserves to know what kind of relationship he is actually in. Then the decision is up to him whether you continue or not. But the om is not a back up! Tell his wife too! She deserves to know.

silkknickers · 16/02/2014 16:39

I had an eight month affair while I was married and fell deeply in love with the OM. eventually his OH found out and our relationship ended. it truly, truly broke my heart.
My H and I divorced - although he didn't know about the affair. I just felt that if I could feel that level of love for someone else, I was being grossly unfair to my H in remaining with him.
I deeply regret the affair and I really don't believe those in affairs really appreciate the pain that it causes so many people when (wHEN, not IF) it is uncovered.

six years on, however, I realise that OM and I would never have survived; we were actually fairly unsuited. And I realised that I didn't want to be with someone who could cheat like that ( and possibly he things the same about me).

My point, OP, is that whatever you do now is going to hurt; there IS no way out of an affair that doesn't cause someone pain - that's why they're such fucking awful things. But let the pain be yours alone. Do the right thing, end the affair and decide if you really want to be with your DH, or whether you should allow him the chance to be with someone who may really love him.

DioneTheDiabolist · 16/02/2014 16:46

I agree with Owllady. You need to have someone you can talk to IRL about this OP. A counsellor will be able to help you with your feelings about finishing with the OM and how you feel about your marriage.

It's not going to be easy, but if you really are going to end a 6 year secret relationship you need to be able to talk to someone who will keep your confidence forever.

nkf · 16/02/2014 16:50

I think it is best to stop it cold. There is no point to a life strung out like this. It's plain horrible.

BitOutOfPractice · 16/02/2014 16:53

The reality of finishing it cold and going NC with the OM will not be as bad as you think OP.

You sound so miserable it's hard to be cross with you but you must know what you have to do, for everyone's sakes

Original poster
alltoomuchnow · 16/02/2014 16:54

A lot to think about, thank you all. It's difficult for me to post right now but I am taking all your posts on board. With hindsight perhaps this isn't the right place for me to be posting.

OP posts:
Logg1e · 16/02/2014 16:58

I'm not sure what the problem is, from your point of view. You have the situation you want - a marriage you don't want to leave with a man who is completely clueless to your deception. You also have a relationship with another man that looks set to continue in the same way you've enjoyed for the last 6 years.

Fairenuff · 16/02/2014 16:58

How's life over in easy-black-and-white world?

Why does someone always post this old cliché. Can they not think of something original to say? Some things are black and white and when you are not caught up in the situation you can see quite clearly.

OP you said I need to end it all or accept that this is how it will be and I think this is what you should focus on. Do you want to continue to live like this? It seems to be making you very unhappy.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/02/2014 17:01

Sortyourmakeupout... Your post is disgusting. Are you always a woman-hater or do you just feel extra-vicious today? Hmm

I would report you but I'm not going to, everybody should see your nastiness.

Auntimatter · 16/02/2014 17:02

Presumably after 6 years your husband must know (or deliberately not know) about the other man? And has decided not to end things?

If you want now to choose your husband then do so: they'll the other man and don't see him again. Find some other outlet for your emotions through the difficult time and look forward to an easier and more relaxed existence with only one lover in it.

Logg1e · 16/02/2014 17:04

In what way do you think it's woman-hating Lying?

worsestershiresauce · 16/02/2014 17:08

Life isn't black and white, but that aside you are being very very cruel to your DH. Do you actually hate him, because if you don't how could you even consider treating him so badly?

He loves you.

Please do the right thing, tell him, let him decide what is right for him. Your thinking is all about you. You you you. Step outside of your self centred world for one minute and think of him.

magoria · 16/02/2014 17:10

Let your H go and find someone who loves and respects him or at least give him the chance to decide if he wants to stay with you armed with all the facts.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/02/2014 17:10

Referring to any woman as a 'slag' and suggesting that their self-respect is on the floor where their knickers are. What bit of that is not woman-hating?

OP is asking for support. She is in pain, whether you've been in that position or not, she doesn't deserve to be lashed out at, Logg1e.

Logg1e · 16/02/2014 17:11

Ah, I only read her latest post(!) Lying. Agree totally.

Fairenuff · 16/02/2014 17:12

Did you post about this before OP because I remember a long similar thread where everyone was saying the same as they're saying now and the OP continued to bleat 'but...'

I mean, really, what advice are you looking for? What do you expect anyone to say? What would you advise a good friend, or your own daughter in a similar position?

Lostmykeys · 16/02/2014 17:12

I agree with Logg, continue with the status quo, if you have managed for this without harm then go for it. I'm not for or against an affair, but understand what drives women to this, which is not necessarily sex related. It's about being happy whichever decision you choose.

Fairenuff · 16/02/2014 17:13

But the status quo is making her miserable Confused

Logg1e · 16/02/2014 17:13

(For the record, I'm against affairs, I just wanted to cut to the chase rather than fuelling the drama either way).