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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is it right for a married man to be texting another woman everyday, even if its all innocent and they are just friends. ??

123 replies

fruitandbarley · 14/02/2014 17:16

And if not, why not?

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 14/02/2014 18:54

Right,wrong,not the issue it's just odd,and unboundaried.too familiar

MandyMe · 14/02/2014 18:55

I think also that since you have expressed your concern that he should have stopped it already as he would not wont you to feel insecure. But he hasn't. I know you cant actually stop him texting her but if it were me I would definitely be concerned.
If you are feeling insecure with yourself then maybe you need to give yourself some time out and have a makeover and get some new clothes and join a gym and go out with friends.....whatever makes you feel better about yourself and gets your self esteem up again.

GarlicReverses · 14/02/2014 18:57

Oh, OK, as she isn't a long-term friend in real life I would be worried I'm afraid.

XH2 got the hump about HIS best friend (married) and me texting each other with all sorts of inane crap on the evening commute. It so happened that we both had a long journey at around the same time, and were both very chatty types. To be fair, XH2 got the hump about almost everything, and wasn't remotely chatty. He had a good look at the messages and ran his worries past the best friend's wife, after which he was okay with it (if uncomprehending!)

That was different from what you're describing, though. It was a natural extension of a real-life, existing friendship. Your H's relationship seems to be entirely constructed on these texts ... which is odd

JohnFarleysRuskin · 14/02/2014 19:02

So he met her last month and she already merits the same constant contact that he gives his wife and his best friend?

I can see why you're fucked off.

Fairenuff · 14/02/2014 19:02

At most, he has known her six weeks.

He has met her once.

Why is he thinking of her every day?

scottishmummy · 14/02/2014 19:04

Jesus I'd feel suffocated if dp texted me daily.never mind some computer geek met online

badbaldingballerina123 · 14/02/2014 19:04

Considering you've recently had a baby I think this is especially unkind and disrespectful to you . He doesn't get to have his ego boosted by another woman at your expense , it's clearly bothering you . It would me as well .

ImperialBlether · 14/02/2014 19:38

Sorry, OP, but this sounds as though a new relationship has started.

Have you seen the texts? What happens if he's sitting next to you and gets one? Does he automatically show you? Does he password protect his phone?

Is the woman married/in a partnership?

Original poster

fruitandbarley · 14/02/2014 19:44

Seen about 6 texts he showed me one morning.

He dosnt automatically show me no. But then I wouldn't expect that as he dosnt with any others.

No password on his phone.

Woman has partner, but you wouldn't think so looking at her FB page.

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 14/02/2014 19:50

So what do you want to do,op?hes clearly not bothered it upsets you
That's the rub,he's hurting you and seems nonplussed
Texting some bird he met online is plain odd

hickorychicken · 14/02/2014 19:53

Can i just say its easy as pie to delete things.... you are unsettled by it so there is a problem, hope u can resolve it OP.

maggiemight · 14/02/2014 19:59

Oh, well, you'll have to have a sneaky look. But not nice you are put in this position.

jadeddazedandconfused · 14/02/2014 20:00

Definitely playing with fire. Good luck with this op, it's the last thing you need to worry about at any time let alone with a new baby.

Fairenuff · 14/02/2014 20:11

If this was my dh I would tell him that it bothered me and he would agree to stop. It's that simple. It's a new friendship, just a few weeks, he would have no trouble putting my concerns ahead of this.

VegetariansTasteLikeChicken · 14/02/2014 20:22

My dh would not text a male friend that often, so I'd be weirded out by it.. You've said you dh is different.. so may it's not a problem.. but on the other hand he hasn't really know them long enough to BFF?

Stockhausen · 14/02/2014 20:30

I'd be annoyed. Dh doesn't text anyone though tbh! But this sounds very intense, very quickly... which would alarm me.

scornedwoman67 · 14/02/2014 20:36

I'd say if you sense something is not right, you are probably correct. I think you need to tell him quite clearly how it makes you feel. It needs to be nipped in the bud before anything does happen. Good luck OP

voddiekeepsmesane · 14/02/2014 20:39

DP had a friend like this. At first it was just friendship and they clicked (common disability between them). I actively encourage it, never had a problem, not the jealous kind me The first year or so was great we shared what texts, emails, phone calls were about. Slowly it dwindled and our relationship also slowly changed, almost unnoticeably. Until 2 and a half years later I discover it had evolved into a full blown affair. Before all this I was a staunch believer in men and women can have friendships and vehemently protested against any jealousy. Now...well now a year on from discovery and with a lot of counselling, navel gazing and deep regret, making it right from DP I would never ever allow a friendship of a woman to grow with DP without me being a total part of it ie me knowing her JUST as much as DP. Bitter...maybe...realistic definitely.

Witchazel · 14/02/2014 20:50

Erm, you may wish to read my thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1997980-Is-DH-s-EA-finally-over-Or-am-I-kidding-myself-AGAIN
What you are saying reminds me of myself 4/5 years ago ...and now I'm in a right old pickle. Nip it in the bud.

Witchazel · 14/02/2014 20:51

perfectstorm · 15/02/2014 02:10

He only met her in January, he's texting every day, he knows it really scares and unsettles you to the point he's taken the Shirley Glass quiz and he's still not stopping, and his reason why is He says they've got things in common (sci-fi, computer stuff) and she easy to talk to?

I'm sorry, you know the answer to the question already. DH has women friends - he's friends with his ex (introduced her to her husband, in fact) and that never bothers me. This really would. I'm sorry.

Latefragment · 15/02/2014 05:42

It's good to make new friends, connections but exchanging nos.after 1 meeting and then this level of contact - not good. His focus should be on you, new addition to family - how is he support wise?with you as a partner?

differentnameforthis · 15/02/2014 06:46

It would depend on the contents of the texts

RedFocus · 15/02/2014 07:47

I agree with johnfarley too.

ALittleStranger · 15/02/2014 08:55

She's not a friend. Surely neither the OP, her husband or the woman actually think that? She's someone he's met once and felt enough of a connection with to establish and escalate contact. That's not how friendships begin. That's how relationships begin.

Even taking the most benign view, he's placing his wish to chat sci fi with a near stranger over his wife's feelings.

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