Husband wants to leave, my world has ended

[Despair9]

I've never posted before so please bear with me.
I've read some other posts and there seems to be lots of good advice and I didn't know where else to turn.

So 12 days ago my DH tells me he doesn't love me anymore and wants to end our marriage. We have been married 10 years, have a DD 9 years old. We both work full time so life is a struggle and we haven't put as much into our marriage as we should, I will admit that. But I am absolutely floored by his announcement, my DD has no idea, to her we're a loving wonderful secure family. I haven't eaten, hardly slept, I don't know how I'm functioning at work. Every time I try to comprehend what he's said to me my head goes into a wild spin and I can't breathe. I've no more tears left inside me. I begged and pleaded with him, then read advice on line which says that's the worse thing to do. I really don't think I can go on.
How can he not even want to try to put things right? He says he won't do counselling, that there is no point as he has no feelings left.
I am so desperate. This never, ever was anything I envisaged happening.
He's told his best friend and then last night tells me he's told his mother. I'm so frightened, but I need to remain strong for our DD.
I just don't think I can cope.

There is someone else. Prepare yourself for that. They all say there isn't, but I have yet to meet a man who leaves a long term relationship without first lining up his next partner. My DH 'wasn't like that' either. He was 'too moral a man'. Those are quotes from my/his friends and family. There was someone else.

The only thing that works is a cold reality check. Tel him to move out, get a lawyer, file for divorce, give him your blessing with his new life. It will throw him. All of a sudden you'll be this independent woman he can't have, not the ball and chain he is stuck with. Either he'll run home (in which case you get to decide whether you want him), or he'll be relieved and run out. This way you get the to the place you are heading for without the long drawn out interim heart ache.

Also tell your support network in RL. You need emotional and practical support.

Op, why have you written to his parents to say how sorry you are and will make a go of it? What are you sorry for and why do they they need this assurance from you?

Did your dh sign the letter also? You can't make a go of it on your own. Did your dh write to your parents and say his piece?

Please stop worrying about everyone else and worry about you. Where is he now? Pretending nothing has happened? Where is he sleeping?

Yes, stop chasing him around and asking him to come back.

Take charge and tell him to leave. Tell your daughter. You do NOT want to take her on this trip with her not knowing about this. What is someone accidentally says something in front of her? What if she overhears something? (what if she already has and is afraid to mention it?) Do you want her to find out while on holiday like that? Telling her now means she has a month to get her head around it before the holiday.

He wants to leave, tell him to leave now. He's got places he can go - his parents' house for one. And you can sort out the childcare stuff just as easily when he's elsewhere - he can continue until you make other arrangements.

And TELL people in real life!! You need RL support and he needs to see (by their reactions) what others think of this. Why should you be the one taking the stress here when HE decided to bail on his family?

I think that you need to get support in RL. MN is not the best place, people have a huge tendency to read their own situation into problems.

Op, you have to ask why he's told you before the trip?? It's very selfish, to tell you and still expect you to go.

I hope you're doing ok OP and finding the strength you talk about in your post. I can't begin to imagine having to share a house in this situation (for any of you).

What do you think about the advice to ask him to leave? I really, really think that the best way of dealing with this, whatever the resolution, is for him to leave.

And please tell me you're not doing his laundry, that's just degrading after his recent behaviour.

When I first started reading the relationships boards I found it harsh that posters often insisted there would be an OW, especially when the OP was equally insistent that there couldn't possibly be. Smart, sensible, loving women who swore blind that their dhs weren't like that, could never cheat, weren't the type. But the thing is, time and time and time again, they had. It is incredibly rare, ime, for men to up and leave long term relationships and strike out on their own just because they're 'unhappy'. I'm not saying it never happens but it's not the norm. OP needs to be aware of this, as forewarned is forearmed.

Same, sadly. I used to eyeroll and mutter that these posters really shouldn't presume to tell the OPs what their husbands were like, and if they said "no affair" then that was far likelier to be the case than a bunch of online commenter's versions, when they'd never so much as laid eyes on the parties involved. Only time and time again, the OP would discover that there was an OW after all. I'm sure there have been exceptions - but they must be rare, as I've not come across one yet. Hope this is, but won't hold my breath, tbh.

OP, hang on in there. Are you managing to get some sleep, and have you considered taking some time off work with stress, so you can try to recharge your batteries with rest in the day? And please try to eat - posh soups, fruit, whatever you can choke down. As you say, your DD needs you to keep it together for her.

I agree RL support is absolutely key here, too. MN can be wonderful, but having loving friends around you when you're dealing with such a horrendous situation is priceless.

I hope you get through the day ok.

Dig deep for that strength. Eat and drink little and often if you've lost your appetite. Have something you can nibble at.

Virtual hug x

I don't really post in relationships as I'm pretty clueless however, a kind man would not tell you he wanted to leave before your trip of a lifetime and then expect you to still go. A kind man would hold his tongue, do his best to make things work and only after your trip would he consider his options. It's cruel to do otherwise. I don't know if there is an OW but I do know he's being very cruel.

I don't know how I'm going to focus at work, I can barely stand yet alone do an hours commute each way to a stressful job.

I hope you get through the day and that work can be a bit of an escape for you. Perhaps you could take a lunch break and visit a local solicitor for a free half-hour appointment.

I agree, did he think telling her weeks ahead of a 'holiday of a lifetime' and then sitting back and living peacefully until April was going to be relaxed and harmonious? Let alone the notion they'd then toddle off on vacation with his parents?!

Mind you for all we know, he thought he was doing OP a big favour by not dropping the bombshell at Christmas/NYE.

Good luck with today despair one foot in front of the other for now eh?
Try and tell a good friend what's going on, or your mum? Sister? You need some support and kindness.

You need legal advice

I'm really sorry that this is happening but listen to all the voices of experience in this thread.

I'm sorry but I find it unlikely that there isn't some one else involved

I would do some digging around

It could simply be that you have grown apart and life has just become a struggle of work and chores without fun and intimacy. I don't think there has to be another woman (although it is a possibility) OP has just missed the warning signs and thought he felt the same as her.
Many give the children all their priority and won't get babysitters or organise time alone.
It is a bit of a double standard. If a man posted this he would be told to be more understanding and work at it, to understand what his wife is going through. The woman posting gets told there must be OW and to get out.

Real life support is what you need-MN can leave you feeling worse!

TamerB - she's not been told to get out.

He says he wants to leave, has told friends and family, but is hanging on for some reason as yet unknown. Posters have pointed out that this is deeply unfair on the OP and her dd and, if he says he wants to leave, he should damn well do so. It has also been pointed out that this advice holds true even if the OP wants to 'save' the marriage.

And lots of us have mentioned an OW because, 9 times out of 10, this is exactly what prompts a 'good husband' to tell his wife, out of the blue, that he no longer loves her and wants to leave.

There's no double standard. If a man was unceremoniously dumped as the OP has, he would have been told the same thing.

What do you suggest the op does, Tamer? Do you think she should be a bit more 'understanding and work at it'?

No. I just get rather alarmed at the advice someone in a very fragile state is given on here. She is new-she didn't know what RL meant. She can't know that MN needs a new acronym of LTB.
I think that many people read their own situation into it and lose sight of the OP.
I have no answers-I generally steer clear of relationship threads. I just feel very sorry for her and think she needs RL support. If I had a relationship problem I wouldn't post it on MN!

Well, she did. The advice here can be more objective than in RL where friends and family can be invested in certain outcomes.

Of course she needs loads of RL support too as many posters have suggested.

I don't see anyone reading their own situation into it. I see many people saying 'His behavior absolutely stinks. Its not on. You need to protect yourself and quickly.'

I'm amazed that anyone could object to that.

I have been warned to stay off relationship threads and see that I generally do. I shall in future! I certainly wouldn't ask for advice on it.
Sorry OP-I have no advice other than to get RL support and legal advice.
(I shall stay away in future)

I still don't see what you find so objectionable about the advice given here. Ho hum.

When my sister's husband did the same thing to her, ie telling her he wasn't happy in the marriage anymore and he wanted out, he swore blind that he didn't have another woman. He called all the shots, as my sister kept thinking she still had a chance of making things work out as long as she changed .... she still cooked for him, did his laundry, allowed him to come and go as he pleased whilst he sorted his head out.

Only, there was another woman, there always had been and he obviously knew that if she was aware of the OW, she wouldn't have been so bloody accommodating in the first place and he would've been out on his ear.

She was devastated when she found out about OW, although what was move devastating was that the bastard had let her think all the blame was on her for his not wanting to stay in the marriage, when this was clearly not the case.