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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband wants to leave, my world has ended

464 replies

Despair9 · 12/02/2014 20:23

I've never posted before so please bear with me.
I've read some other posts and there seems to be lots of good advice and I didn't know where else to turn.

So 12 days ago my DH tells me he doesn't love me anymore and wants to end our marriage. We have been married 10 years, have a DD 9 years old. We both work full time so life is a struggle and we haven't put as much into our marriage as we should, I will admit that. But I am absolutely floored by his announcement, my DD has no idea, to her we're a loving wonderful secure family. I haven't eaten, hardly slept, I don't know how I'm functioning at work. Every time I try to comprehend what he's said to me my head goes into a wild spin and I can't breathe. I've no more tears left inside me. I begged and pleaded with him, then read advice on line which says that's the worse thing to do. I really don't think I can go on.
How can he not even want to try to put things right? He says he won't do counselling, that there is no point as he has no feelings left.
I am so desperate. This never, ever was anything I envisaged happening.
He's told his best friend and then last night tells me he's told his mother. I'm so frightened, but I need to remain strong for our DD.
I just don't think I can cope.

OP posts:
Hissy · 23/02/2014 12:33

Wrt your form, YOU know he's moved out - as a permanent arrangement - so are not misleading anyone or claiming something you are not entitled to.

If you're worried, call the Shelter helpline or the CAB.

ProphetOfDoom · 23/02/2014 12:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Minime85 · 23/02/2014 12:35

glad it went as well as can be expected. I got the council tax thing straight away too, there were no questions re his possessions I just had to provide his new address.

you are doing so well. still such early days

SerenaBracken · 23/02/2014 12:42

I just told my local Council and they asked no questions. Say it's stored, that could mean anything.

This holiday to Disney? You should get clarification in law where it leaves you if you play happy families. To obtain a divorce, you must have had no relations with the other party for six months. That is, no cooking, cleaning or sharing. as it is seen as condoning his behaviour. I feel pretty sure that going on holiday with him would too.

If you left your daughter to go with her father and his parents, could you be sure he wouldn't invite the OW and her child instead? If you could be sure, personally I'd stay home. That way your girl still goes and you won't have to suffer the strain of it.

You and her will have many more holidays together.

JeanSeberg · 23/02/2014 13:39

I wouldn't have any part in this holiday, either you or daughter. Cancel now, get whatever refund you can and start saving up for you and your daughter to go away, whether it's Disneyland Paris or a couple of nights' camping in summer.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 23/02/2014 14:18

I hope the meeting went okay and your Dad was able to support you.

Hissy · 23/02/2014 14:33

Tell him you'll sign the holiday over to him in exchange for the house.

Please don't go on anything, anywhere with him.

Are his parents supporting you, or merely protecting their access to his child?

SerenaBracken · 23/02/2014 16:14

Hissy Sun 23-Feb-14 14:33:12
Tell him you'll sign the holiday over to him in exchange for the house.

Please don't go on anything, anywhere with him.

Are his parents supporting you, or merely protecting their access to his child?

"Tell him you'll sign the holiday over to him in exchange for the house."
God forsake.

MillyBlods · 23/02/2014 16:15

Despair do the things that need doing but leave the other stuff for now and give yourself some time to absorb what is happening. Its early days yet and your emotions will be all over the place. Take a week out and let things mull in your head rather than maybe doing things your might regret later when you have had more time to consider them.

SerenaBracken · 23/02/2014 17:01

"Tell him you'll exchange the holiday for the house."

The above is why not to take anyone's word here more than just an opinion. The above is ridiculous.

Original poster
Despair9 · 23/02/2014 17:03

He has offered not to go on the holiday, but I don't think I can go with just PIL and dd. They are being very supportive, but I'm not sure if that's just to make sure I let dd go on the holiday. I know they've contributed a lot towards it and if dd doesn't go then they won't go. Equally though I can't take dd without her daddy, it just wouldn't be the same for her.
But the thought of being with him day and night for 2 weeks, I just don't know if I could do it, it would be torture.(and I'd probably end up begging him to come back all the time and being weak and pathetic !!)

OP posts:
SerenaBracken · 23/02/2014 17:20

I don't see PIL as being supportive. To their son maybe.

Had that been my son who'd turned my granddaughter's life upside down and broken the heart of my daughter in law, I wouldn't be going on a jolly with him.
He and the new woman would disgust me and would not be welcome in my company.

You haven't said what you can recoup of the holiday. In fact you tell us little! We can't help unless you say more, such as whether you can get the ticket price back etc.
It's like dragging a dead horse, this thread.

If you want help OP then talk! Maybe that's your problem? You can't talk.

SerenaBracken · 23/02/2014 17:26

As for not taking DD without her daddy? Well it's going to happen! Whether now or in the future.

How about spotting Tigers in India? Lazing in Mexico? Having fun in the snow in the North Pole?
Disney? Nah, so much else to do.

Logg1e · 23/02/2014 17:37

Serena It's like dragging a dead horse, this thread.

That could describe some threads and some posters, but not this one. No OP exists to satisfy everyone else with a fast-paced, quickly resolved life.

I didn't like the suggestion that the grandparents are "merely" being supportive because they want a holiday with their granddaughter rather than because they've taken your side. I think that's absolutely the right thing for them to do. They want to protect their relationship with your daughter, they must be petrified that you'll take your anger out on them. Secondly, expecting them to side against their son is unfair. They can be disappointed in him and sympathetic to you without taking sides.

OP I think you did right in not agreeing to anything yesterday. No need to hurry in to any decision regarding the holiday (although I think there's no way you should both go - one or neither).

TimeToPassGo · 23/02/2014 17:46

Serena you are getting dangerously close to attacking the OP on her own thread. The thread isn't here for your entertainment. If it's not unfolding to your liking do feel free to bugger off to another thread.

OP really don't agree to anything just yet. You're still reeling. Personally I think the idea of you going on the holiday with 'D'H is madness. Either go without him or allow him to take DD on the holiday - but I would hesitate over the last mainly because he has just dropped a bomb on your lives and my sense of justice would not allow him to be a literal Disney dad after what he's done. Not yet anyway.

TimeToPassGo · 23/02/2014 17:52

And re-reading your last post you really need to try and detach from your STBXH.

I can't take dd without her daddy, it just wouldn't be the same for her.
Her life WON'T be the same now and that is because of her father's actions. He needs to be absolutely clear about that - this is all on him. No matter what problems there were in your marriage before, there was no need for him to have an affair. He could have ended the marriage with dignity, given you time to grieve, made financial arrangements and then let his cock lead him wherever it wanted to go. Instead he made himself a liar and a coward.

All of your lives are going to change dramatically but you WILL get through this and you will create wonderful new experiences with your DD. Don't feel that you have to be 'nice' to your DH - don't let him walk all over you. He has created this situation - now he has to live with the consequences of his actions. Worst case scenario, you take DD to Disney next year or the year after. She'll be disappointed but you need to explain what your 'D'H has done in a way that she can understand. Don't cover for him - I promise, he won't be as generous in return.

SerenaBracken · 23/02/2014 17:55

Loggle, I'm trying to inject some enthusiasm into the OP here. Hope for the future as in lovely times ahead for her and her girl. (Most likely a new man as well some day soon.)
There is more to life than Bleddy Disney! Send her on a PGL.

No way did I suggest the GPs were hitching a ride. Please go back and re-read my post.

It just seems unlike most other posts here that this one holds no passion whatsoever. Like the dead horse.

There should be something. Hate, love, despair, longing, revenge etc., whatever, but I see nothing here at all.

Anyway, there seems to be no reply as to suggestions so I'm out.

Logg1e · 23/02/2014 18:00

Serena I'm trying to inject some enthusiasm into the OP here.

Unforutunately it came across as hectoring and impatient. Personally, I think the OP is showing amazing strength and resilience for managing at the speed she is with so much dignity and outward calmness despite the inner emotional turmoil.

(My grandparent comments weren't aimed at you, I can't remember who said what I was addressing).

ProphetOfDoom · 23/02/2014 18:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 23/02/2014 18:05

The holiday idea is ridiculous. There is no need to spend two weeks with the man who is in a relationship with someone else just to save them all some money. He doesn't get to pick and chose family bits. I would book up Paris Disney and tell them. It's hard for you to adjust op, but don't let them boss you around. It is not in your best interests to endure this and the fact they expect you to is very telling.

onedev · 23/02/2014 19:08

I agree with the others - don't go on holiday with him. Personally if you can face it, I'd go without him but with PIL as I reckon he's only offered not to go as he doesn't think that you would go without him. Good luck, however you proceed.

LEMmingaround · 23/02/2014 19:17

You are doing so well - do not go on the holiday if you don't want to - but if you want to go, then fine, but he doesn't get to go, no - life does not work like that - is he stupid as well as a cunt?

skyeskyeskye · 23/02/2014 23:40

I think the best solution re the holiday would be for you and DD to go with the PIL if you can. XH doesn't get to go, no way. But if the rest of you go, then none of you will miss out, especially DD.

DD does sadly have to get used to holidays without him around. I went on my first holiday post breakup, with my mum. I cried every night but I got through it. The next holiday was on my own with DD.

Just give it some thought and discuss it with PIL. If they are supportive they should understand and respect your wishes.

JeanSeberg · 24/02/2014 07:26

Not sure why the holiday has become the main focus of the divorce (or at least this thread) but surely the only solution is for the op and daughter to go alone? Or with the op's parents?

Lavenderhoney · 24/02/2014 08:06

Does your dd know of the holiday? Can a friend of yours take your dh place? Or a relative you all like? Your dad or mum? Not your dh. Is he mad? Where would he sleep? How would you all cope with the knowing and him texting ow etc? He seems more worried about this holiday than anyone, he was even going to wait til it was over to leave... Take your time on this one, op.

I think your pils have been looking forward to the holiday. I don't think its sinister and manipulative of them to want to go. I think they may also want to cheer your dd up and give you a break as well. If you get on with them it could be ok.

And see a solicitor, just let them check the numbers and remind you of things. Its all happened very fast. You need to give yourself time.

Both you and he need to change your wills for current and future provision of your dd.

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