Husband wants to leave, my world has ended

[Despair9]

I've never posted before so please bear with me.
I've read some other posts and there seems to be lots of good advice and I didn't know where else to turn.

So 12 days ago my DH tells me he doesn't love me anymore and wants to end our marriage. We have been married 10 years, have a DD 9 years old. We both work full time so life is a struggle and we haven't put as much into our marriage as we should, I will admit that. But I am absolutely floored by his announcement, my DD has no idea, to her we're a loving wonderful secure family. I haven't eaten, hardly slept, I don't know how I'm functioning at work. Every time I try to comprehend what he's said to me my head goes into a wild spin and I can't breathe. I've no more tears left inside me. I begged and pleaded with him, then read advice on line which says that's the worse thing to do. I really don't think I can go on.
How can he not even want to try to put things right? He says he won't do counselling, that there is no point as he has no feelings left.
I am so desperate. This never, ever was anything I envisaged happening.
He's told his best friend and then last night tells me he's told his mother. I'm so frightened, but I need to remain strong for our DD.
I just don't think I can cope.

Tamer...I think you should read relationships more actually. Sadly, you'll spot a pattern and sadly, you'll understand why we're saying what we're saying.

It is clear that this man is not a good husband or father, but a selfish shit.
Good people may decide to end relationships, they may even (shriek, howl) have affairs or at least decide they prefer someone other than their current official partner. WHat they don't do is tell the existing partner that they intend to leave the relationship but expect to continue living in the family home, with everything continuing as normal, until the departing partner feels ready to leave.
If you want to leave, you pack a bag and go. To insist, for instance, that the person you are leaving plays along with a construction of happy families despite his/her own distress at being dumped is spectactularly unkind and self-obsessed, because it makes it very clear that you consider your STBXP far less important than yourself.

Bravo to that

Tamer...I think you should read relationships more actually. Sadly, you'll spot a pattern and sadly, you'll understand why we're saying what we're saying.
I shall keep off them altogether! I have no doubt that there is a pattern, you may well be right in this case, but not every relationship slots neatly into the general pattern. There are other explanations.
I just think that when someone is in the fragile state that OP is in you need to choose your words with care. I don't think she is ready for some of the starkness of views. If I had started it I would have great difficulty coming back to it.

off you trot then tam.

no one is ready for the starkness of reality when it is announced out of the blue by someone they trusted that they are no longer wanted. no one.

sadly though they have to very quickly get ready for that and more to come if they are to do right by themselves and their children and protect themselves from someone who is now only thinking of themselves.

TamerB the posts on here are straight to the point sensible advice, of a type the OP may not get in real life, as friends and family are more likely to be kindly and come out with platitudes like 'he's stressed at work, and will come round'. That may be what OP wants to hear but in the long run it isn't helpful.

I've been there, and it wasn't until I did the very thing that everyone on here advises, i.e. turn the tables on him, and start being me, living my life, and doing so without him, that we actually reached a point where we reconnected emotionally, and were able to start again.

OP marriages can survive all sorts of upsets, but even if that is your ultimate goal you first have to work on yourself and your independence. There is nothing more unattractive than someone begging you to come home. So don't.

I think sometimes you need folk to tell you like it is - the stark reality of what someone has done is too terrible for words, but keeping your head in the sand makes it even worse. Nobody here enjoys seeing another woman coming along with the same story, and the same script following partner, but sadly the same script is repeated time and time again. It is only due to others having the same story as the OP that they are wanting to give advice and support and empowerment to the abandoned woman.

OP could you get tomorrow off work? The weather looks terrible pretty much everywhere and stuck commuting is the last thing you need.

Tell your H you need a day alone. Talk to relate by yourself, he doesn't have to come with you for you to get something meaningful out of marriage guidance. And you could have an off the record chat with a solicitor.

Nothing needs to be acted on but it might cut through the anxiety and fear. The best way to feel stronger is to gain some control.

You will survive this I promise. Those of us who have been through it know how painful it is - but we're here, surviving and thriving.

But it may not be apparent to the husband her depth of feelings. He may, mistakenly, be thinking that she is feeling the same way that he is.
I am glad that she has written and sent the letter. Then the people that matter in this situation can be in no doubt how everyone is feeling.

I don't follow your thinking, Honey. He's leaving because he thinks she doesn't care either? Even though he can clearly see how distressed and devastated she is?

I also don't think the letter to his parents has any bearing on the situation, they aren't the people that matter - their loyalties are understandably with their son, whatever the rights and wrongs of it.

Lots of my family and friends have continued to live together for a period after they have announced the end of their relationship. If I decided I wanted to end my marriage we would have to continue to live as a family for the first few months because it wouldn't be practical for one of us to leave. That would not make me a Bitch. I would be a bigger Bitch if I kept my feelings to myself knowing full well that I would be leaving once it was practical to do so.

OP if your husband can leave before April it would be better all round. If you choose to go on the holiday that is your decision however I think the holiday would be enjoyable for your dd if is told the truth about her parents splitting up. Trying to play happy families on holiday just won't work and your dd will sense the strained atmosphere.

Apologies for the typos in my second paragraph. I hope you get the gist of the point I was trying to make!

The relationship has not been good for a while. We're not intimate, we row a lot and don't have proper conversations. We've been getting on with daily life, school, work, after school activities, rushing round at weekends to get everything done that we didn't have time for I the week. Constantly exhausted. So our relationship has been the thing that's been on hold if you like. I know now that wasn't healthy. But I absolutely didn't realise it had got to the point where he just wanted out.
He says he doesn't want lawyers etc. doesn't want a custody battle.
I keep asking what does he want me to do. He said that he thought I felt the same i.e. Didn't love him anymore, so thought I'd just say ok lets split up!!

Taken from Despair9's post last night.

Actually, I could have probably just copied and pasted the last sentence.

op. Can I ask how, has there been a slide into the lack of intimacy, or was it triggered by something? Obviously, dont answer if you dont want to.

And, if, understandably, everything is too painful, it is ok to leave the thread, and if you wanted to, come back to it another time. In other words, dont post or come back to the thread if you dont want to.

I am sorry.

I just wanted to say that having a solicitor and doing things by the book does not equate in fighting for custody.

Your DH is wrong there and it is almost a veiled threat.

He can say yes to what the solicitor suggests. Why should there be a battle because you use a solicitor?

Why would he start being unreasonable if you are supported by a decent family lawyer aware of your rights?

The answer must logically be that he does not intend for you and your DD to receive your fair share.

It is within your right to want to be represented by someone who has your best interest at heart.

I would be anxious about letting my future assets and contacts be determined by someone who is focusing on moving on.

Get RL support. Please.

OP is in shock, she is grieving, her world has fallen apart, she is facing the second most stressful situation you can get and yet the majority MN response is that she needs to face up to stark reality and they have diagnosed the reason for it.
She needs time to grieve and take it in- some TLC and not 'stark reality'. You would never tell a person whose parter had just been killed that they had to face up to reality - and yet the reality is tough with no second chances.
She must be reeling to come on MN and have it all analysed, cut and dried, and be told what she must face reality.I would wonder if she would have posted had she known the reaction.
I wouldn't do anything in a hurry.

I thought you'd gone Tamer.

TamerB - the death of a partner is completely different so please don't conflate the two experiences.

I think the OP is getting plenty of TLC. Just TLC tempered by reality, which imo is exactly what a woman in her position needs. How would it be helpful to have a massive thread full of strangers going (((hugs))), after all? Of course she doesn't need to come back to the thread if she doesn't want to, though I hope she does.

Real-life support is vital. I really hope the OP has lots and lots of it. But many posters who've been through the same thing and asked for advice on MN have consequently said that the straight talking was the most helpful aspect.

I had, I just couldn't stand all the bit about facing stark reality. There is no other traumatic happening in life where people would say that in such a short time span. She needs time to think, time to get non biased advice and not people jumping straight in with 'telling it how it is'- when in actual fact it is guess work anyway.

Don't tell me what death of a partner is- I have first hand experience.
OP is grieving over the death of her expectations. She needs that time.

So, since you're still here, what would your 'non-biased' advice be to the OP?

Take time, go and stay with someone for TLC. Talk it over with RL friends. Don't jump in with the assumption there is another woman- there might or might not be. Really work out what you want. Seek legal advice. Above all don't be rushed into anything you are not happy about.

It would be interesting to know he she would rate this MN experience.

Have some time off work.

Tamer, I agree with you. Although I can't really see that your advise is much different from everyone else.

tamer half an hour out to see a solicitor doesn't encroach on grieving time much.

it also means that the OP is safe to grive knowing she has her bases covered and understands the legalities of her situation.

knowledge is important and given her whole financial future and security of her and her daughter are at stake it is worth getting the practical issues faced early on.

no one is saying don't grive, don't feel sad, they're saying in the midst of your sadness do also look out for yourself, find out your rights, try to keep a part of you on the ball and able to look out for you and your dd because he is not doing so any longer.