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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband wants to leave, my world has ended

464 replies

Despair9 · 12/02/2014 20:23

I've never posted before so please bear with me.
I've read some other posts and there seems to be lots of good advice and I didn't know where else to turn.

So 12 days ago my DH tells me he doesn't love me anymore and wants to end our marriage. We have been married 10 years, have a DD 9 years old. We both work full time so life is a struggle and we haven't put as much into our marriage as we should, I will admit that. But I am absolutely floored by his announcement, my DD has no idea, to her we're a loving wonderful secure family. I haven't eaten, hardly slept, I don't know how I'm functioning at work. Every time I try to comprehend what he's said to me my head goes into a wild spin and I can't breathe. I've no more tears left inside me. I begged and pleaded with him, then read advice on line which says that's the worse thing to do. I really don't think I can go on.
How can he not even want to try to put things right? He says he won't do counselling, that there is no point as he has no feelings left.
I am so desperate. This never, ever was anything I envisaged happening.
He's told his best friend and then last night tells me he's told his mother. I'm so frightened, but I need to remain strong for our DD.
I just don't think I can cope.

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 12/02/2014 21:58

Op!!!!!

Hope he gives you another chance?! No! Her angry now...he has decided to break your heart and leave your marriage. The only way to hope for him to change his mind (if that's what you want) is to get tough. Ask him to go now, involve a solicitor.

Your dd will be ok- she mustn't see you go under now. She needs you to lead by example - keep together and keep reassuring her she'll be ok.

He's not a decent man to put you through this and make in plans to actually go and start proceedings.

teaandthorazine · 12/02/2014 22:04

OP, I know it's hard to hear, but you are setting yourself up for even greater heartache if you continue to be so passive. Hoping and praying that he'll 'give you another chance' - why are you giving him all the power? Why is he getting to call all the shots?

I'm not so sure he's the 'good man' you think he is, but even if he is, you still need to ramp up your self-esteem and get some legal advice.

And he needs to leave. Seriously. It seems counter-intuitive but he really does.

BitOutOfPractice · 12/02/2014 22:09

OP he's nota good man. Good men don't do things like this.

He is a selfish prick.

From what you have said of the relationship, I am perpared to bet my mortgage that you will wake up in a ittle while and realise that you are ten times happier out of this relationship than in it

LiberalLibertine · 12/02/2014 22:11

Op, your relationship prior to this sounds really shit.

What is it your clinging on to so hard?

He can still be dds father if you split, she may be happier having happy separate parents, rather than living with two people that row all the time and show each other no love?

Really don't want to seem harsh,I know you must be reeling :(

whattodoforthebest2 · 12/02/2014 22:19

I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

My XH told me one day he didn't love me any more, after 16 years and 3 DC. He swore blind over and over again there was no-one else. I'd have staked my life on him not being the cheating type. He started looking for a flat and that time was absolutely awful. He left the room when I entered. Avoided coming home to see the DC, didn't eat with us, spent evenings in the spare room and never spoke to me. Eventually I told him I couldn't carry on and one of us would have to be out by the following weekend. He moved out shortly afterwards.

The following week I got an anonymous letter telling me he'd been sleeping with his secretary and the writer thought I should be told, it had been going on for a while.

JeanSeberg · 12/02/2014 22:21

It's all so depressingly predictable isn't it?

LilyBlossom14 · 12/02/2014 22:26

I agree - he needs to leave now - please don't wait for him to pick you. There will be an OW - sorry. He is not a good man - not any more anyway. Don't write to his parents either.

Logg1e · 12/02/2014 22:28

You have to take him at his word. If there's someone else, you keep your dignity. If there's nobody else, it's your best way of getting him back. So,

No more laundry or cooking for him. Separate beds.

He leaves now, not April. (Other than another woman, what's that April thing all about??).

He is still a parent and has to fulfil his duty as a father. There's no reason he can't continue to do the school run and cook for his daughter.

carlywurly · 12/02/2014 22:28

Sadly, yes. I also swore blind on here my xh wasn't the type to cheat.
Turned out he was quite adept at it - I also got an anonymous note filling me in.

Minime85 · 12/02/2014 22:30

your dd will be sad and upset but I very much think she will also be picking up on any atmosphere in the house and that won't help her if it goes on until April without her really understanding. yes she will be upset and very very sad. but they are so so resilient and she will be ok. its how you and your h deal with it that is key.

MorrisZapp · 12/02/2014 22:32

Oh this is awful, your pain is palpable. But you are going to have to dig deep and start taking part in this, instead of watching from the sidelines.

You need to play a game. I understand you haven't yet got angry, but you have to fake it until you make it. Tell him he has to move out. If you can't show him anger, show him calm silence. It may be that your relationship is over, in which case separating is sadly inevitable. Or there may be something to salvage, but you won't be able to salvage it as a sobbing wreck. He needs to face the reality of his decision, only then will be be able to see it objectively.

Come on OP, women are tough. You can do this. Do you have friends or a sister to support you?

Freyalright · 12/02/2014 22:39

Does he get a bonus in April, maybe he is waiting for that so he can get a new place.

Original poster
Despair9 · 12/02/2014 22:46

The reason for April is because we have a trip to WDW Florida which is all paid for. We were going with his parents and it was going to be the trip of a lifetime, our DD is beyond excited. I initially agreed to still go for the sake of her, bearing in mind it's only just been over a week since he told me, I would have said yes to anything to make it not be happening.
So last conversation we had was to take each day as it comes until the trip. Enjoy the trip for the sake of our DD. Then when we get back he said he wanted to start going about the separation. I've told him I don't want to separate, we just go round in circles

OP posts:
LovesPeace · 12/02/2014 22:48

I think April allows the OW to give one month's notice on her rented house, and then they'll move in together. :-(

I hope I'm wrong though.

But OP, when you describe your life together, it doesn't sound joyful, or happy. This is your chance to gain a better life, and get happiness for your daughter and yourself.

magoria · 12/02/2014 22:51

This trip of a life time is going to be total heartbreak and torture for you. Along with all the weeks building up to it.

How the hell can you go on this trip of a life time?

JeanSeberg · 12/02/2014 22:51

Makes him even more of a cunt in that case, now he gets to blame you for ruining the holiday if you say you can't go through with it.

magoria · 12/02/2014 22:51

Oh and he can still move out before then!

LiberalLibertine · 12/02/2014 22:52

Let him and his parents take your dd.

Op, I can almost see you shaking your head to these posts, but you are choosing death by a thousand cuts my lovely, I'm so sorry.

JeanSeberg · 12/02/2014 22:53

You say he's told his parents - I'd love to know what he actually told them, wouldn't you OP?

Original poster
Despair9 · 12/02/2014 22:53

Loves peace I hear what you're saying. We just got into a rut and didn't try. This has been a huge wake up call, ok our relationship wasn't happy before, but I now know that's because I didn't put the effort in. There were so many happy family times though, we just neglected each other. I know I can put that right, but obviously it need two people to make a relationship work.

OP posts:
OddFodd · 12/02/2014 22:54

Why on earth did he tell you now if he doesn't want to move out until April? What are you supposed to do until then? Carry on as normal?

Have you asked him that?

Original poster
Despair9 · 12/02/2014 22:56

He's told me what he told his mum, nothing other than what he'd told me. He is going out with his dad tomorrow night for a chat. That's why I wanted to write to them to get my position across before they speak to him

OP posts:
Mrscaindingle · 12/02/2014 22:57

It is all depressingly familiar Sad
My ex also swore blind there was no one else, even to his own brother. He just "wanted time on his own". Fast forward a few weeks and he accidently sent me photos of him and OW to my iPad when he updated his iPhone. Stupid bastard forgot he shared an Apple ID with my iPad. He still tried to say it had only just happened. The truth will out eventually , my ex lives thousands of miles away and must have thought he was untouchable. However technology was smarter than he was Wink

I can only echo what others have said, you have to stop allowing him to call all the shots. Pleeease don't wait for him to give you another chance.

If this sounds a bit brutal I am sorry, I really feel for you knowing what you're going through. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, the best thing you can do right now is tell someone and get some support. I think I may have gone under without my friends and family.

Good luck op and keep posting Flowers

SauceForTheGander · 12/02/2014 22:59

I'm sorry you've had this happen. It was one of the worst moments of my life when I was left. It's a terrible shock and very scary. But you will survive this. I promise. I thought I would be the first person to die from sobbing. Now, I don't feel anything for the man whose words nearly broke me.

Regardless of whether there's someone else - and unfortunately men rarely leave to go to no one - he's the one calling all the shots here. Don't let him dictate all the how's, why's and when. This is your life too. And if that means saying - hang on I don't know what to do - then say it. Tell him you need him out for a week if you can't tell him to go completely. You need some head space.

Play with the truth you've got. He's told you he doesn't want to be married any more. Go see a solicitor. Practicalities like finances, home need to be sorted. Information is power. Strength comes from power & knowledge.

This will not end or defeat you.

Your life will be better than it feels now.

He can still be a good dad to your DD. don't worry about that just yet. Keep posting. The women on here are collectively the greatest support group ever.

Flowers
Lavenderhoney · 12/02/2014 23:01

What a crappy bombshell he has landed you with- which means he's been thinking about it and that's why he's so calm- and its not your fault.

What are you writing to his parents? Chuck that in the bin, it nothing to do with them. Tell him he can tell them you won't be playing happy families in April.

Its not going to help you at all, him hanging round til April. Especially if you start to ramp up the perfect wife bit and encourage perhaps subconsciously to encourage your dd to do the same and he still pushes off. It will fuck you up, and her, potentially.

Also, if its not been that great for a while, your dd would have noticed and will notice any change. Dc notice everything. He can still do school runs etc if he wants to. Just not actually live in your home.

And yes, I'm sure he doesn't want a solicitor. Which is exactly why you need one ASAP, because he isn't suggesting that so you work as a team to get the best out of it for you and your dd, and he won't let you down ( he's just told you he's off, remember, and he kept that quiet whilst he thought about it) he is after the best deal for himself. You don't need his permission btw. Get copies of everything, and don't sign anything at all. Or agree verbally to anything.

And really, ask him to leave. Now. Not April! Wtf! He's got some balls hasn't he? Does he think you are a doormat? He has a plan. You don't know it yet.

Its bollocks about waiting til after a family holiday, why would you do that? It sounds awful anyway. Cancel it and book you and dd two weeks in the sun.