Husband wants to leave, my world has ended

[Despair9]

I've never posted before so please bear with me.
I've read some other posts and there seems to be lots of good advice and I didn't know where else to turn.

So 12 days ago my DH tells me he doesn't love me anymore and wants to end our marriage. We have been married 10 years, have a DD 9 years old. We both work full time so life is a struggle and we haven't put as much into our marriage as we should, I will admit that. But I am absolutely floored by his announcement, my DD has no idea, to her we're a loving wonderful secure family. I haven't eaten, hardly slept, I don't know how I'm functioning at work. Every time I try to comprehend what he's said to me my head goes into a wild spin and I can't breathe. I've no more tears left inside me. I begged and pleaded with him, then read advice on line which says that's the worse thing to do. I really don't think I can go on.
How can he not even want to try to put things right? He says he won't do counselling, that there is no point as he has no feelings left.
I am so desperate. This never, ever was anything I envisaged happening.
He's told his best friend and then last night tells me he's told his mother. I'm so frightened, but I need to remain strong for our DD.
I just don't think I can cope.

X posts

He desperately doesn't want to be seen as a bad guy - and if that means torturing you then so be it.

Terrible.

Yes, I had the "there's noone else" speech. It was just the corculmstances of our jobs andlives and kids. He omitted to mention the other woman he was living with whilst away at work.

This is all so depressingly familiar

liberal death by a thousand cuts is such an accurate description

Op I took my DC out to see their Dad last summer, at the time only I knew he wanted to split but had hopes of being friends ( actually looking back I hoped that it was not really happening ) Had I known what was going on in the background (OW and his plans not to return) I would never have gone.

I remember feeling so lonely, heartbroken and completely alone. I'm sure you're in laws will understand if they are decent people. Your DD could still go with them, it may give you some breathing space.

LovesPeace that was exactly that I thought; rental notice period.

Can someone please post/describe the script?

I'd put money on it. :(

Sorry lovey! Be strong. You'll get through this, you really will!

There's a temptation to not rock the boat and to do what he has asked you because you'll stand more chance of patching things up.

I've been there too. But face it, if he wanted to work things out, having a DD would be enough. He's not going to be won back by you being reasonable about the way he wants to break up.

Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself and say you won't be bullied into breaking up his way. Get legal advice. Tell him you need headspace.

There's good advice on the gingerbread website on how to handle your DD's feelings and how to tell her,

I'm predicting that if he stays until April, you'll start going to great lengths to make your relationship better, turning every cartwheel you can think of. And when he shrugs and leaves anyway, you'll feel like dirt on his shoe.

Guess how I know?

I know you're extremely hurt right now and it's hard to be clear thinking and practical but you really have got to stop feeling sorry for him- all this "he's a good man" stuff is deluding yourself and won't help either you or your dd. And your dd will be fine by the way. Just take a day at a time. Children are amazingly resilient as long as their main carer keeps up the day to day routine and has time for a cuddle and a goodnight.

I remember one night putting dd to bed I was feeling particularly awful having come to the realisation I was going to have to sell our beautiful home and downsize because dh had left me with 26k of debt and literally disappeared off the face of the earth. It honestly felt like my heart had broken but dd needed a bedtime story so I tucked her in and read the book, each word heavy on my lips and a struggle to get through. She was suffering too, he abandoned her as well but we did our best to muddle on and keep everything as normal as we could and gradually very slowly things did feel better.

I want to know how you're so sure he doesn't have anyone else? Why do you think that? If it's because he never goes out or doesn't seem to have any social life that is no reason to think he is not having an affair or an emotional one at that. Lunchtimes, secret sick days, secret days off, business trips, meetings in other cities etc etc, even like my ex supposedly going to stay with family and actually staying with them but going out with old friends who happen to include an ex!

Be very, very aware. You just found out he isn't who you think he is. You know very little about this new man right now.

You'll get stronger. You do have it there you just haven't got angry enough to find it yet.

So so sorry for you but there will be someone else.

Tarzan principle sadly not just common, almost ubiquitous.

People don't let go of one vine until they have firm hold of another.

My ex was supposed to be away visiting his family in Holland. When I asked him why he had a tan he told me he'd been using his mom's sunbed. What an absolute blind fool I was. I loved him so much that it never occured to me that he'd been to Thailand with his OW. And let me assure you OP, I am not stupid. But I believed him because Ithought he loved me and was a decent man. Pah!

OK Op. The thing is, there are times in marriages you might feel like you don't love our spouse anymore, but the commitment between you and the DCs would cause a decent person to leave / divorce after all other avenues had first been explored.

IMO, the situations where that might not happen would be:

1. If there is another woman. This may not be someone he is actually seeing or sleeping with, it might just be someone he WANTS to sleep with.

1. If the person has been unhappy for long time and has been with holding it. They would then have been dropping the relationship for some time in their head with you blissfully unaware. The type of person to do this might be the type of person who finds confrontation difficult.

1. If the person is impulsive or a bit of a drama queen, they might say these things / act this way to either get your attention OR based on temporary feelings of anger and resentment and if this is the case he might well change his tune naturally in a week or two.

1. If the person is unhappy in their life, feels powerless, frustrated and is turning the blame onto you and his homelife. This type of person might be having issues t work, a lot of stress, some kind of mid life crisis or might even be depressed. Depression is very common and DOES cause people to behave in this sort of way.

To me, these are the four options and sadly, yes, option 1 is the most likely. The boards here are full of women who believed their DH's would never cheat (myself included) BUT the other options are possible.

Evaluate it yourself and look for subtle signs of an OW.

Look for signs he has been withdrawing love feelings for a while (marked loss of affection, sex, time together, little smiles)

Consider if he might be the type to act out on impulse and change his mind later. You know him better than anyone.

Also look for signs he might be generally unhappy or even depressed. Depression in men is often expressed as anger and blame. Does he have issues with sleep..stomach problems...irritability...less interest in his usual activities?

You would be surprised how well any of these things can disguise themselves under your very nose!

After 12 days, don't expect yourself to feel accepting of all this because you will naturally feel a need to understand "why" before you can accept it and move on.

If I were you, I would insist on 3 sessions of counselling, and tell him if he is not willing to do that, you will make the divorce very messy. Explain that he owes you this.

I am not suggesting this so you can force him to stay with you, but more so that YOU can use these sessions to get an understanding of "why". You will need this to feel sane.

oh poor you OP
I could have written your post 10months ago. Even down to the closeness to a trip to WDW
My ExH said the same. I dragged him to counselling and clung on for 3 wks hoping I could make him see he really did love me....... and then he owned up that there had been an OW several years before. Even then I refused to give in but after a few more hellish weeks i realised that you need 2 people to WANT to make a relationship work so eventually we separated. I was petrified telling the DDs 7 & 9 but it was better than I imagined. They were very sad but ultimately have just got on with it.

All the advice above re getting things organised is good. My solicitor was amazing at telling me where I stood re future money & access to kids etc.

We too had a holiday of a lifetime booked to WDW - I went with my two DDs and my mum came instead of ExH. I figured he wanted out & that meant no more family hols. Any chance you could just go with DD?

I have had the worst year of my life; there were days when I couldn't even get out of bed as I felt so terrible. But me and the DDs are still here. I wouldnt wish this on anyone but it is amazing how much you can deal with. 'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger' is totally apt - looking back I now feel that if I got through that I can cope with anything life throws at me.

Sending you all the strength you need - remember you are amazing and you will survive.

DCRbye I think option 2 is spot on. I was just so busy with day to day life I missed all the signs.

Thanks startwhereyoustand you sound much stronger than me.

The thing is Despair9, if it is option2, this is not acceptable behavior and is most certainly not your fault. If you are married to someone you have earned the right for them to talk to you about problems -regardless of how non-receptive you are - because marriage sometimes requires work. Divorce, or the end of a relationship could, and should, be something both parties come to after exploring all other possible options. Divorce is a last resort.

I do think of all the options I suggested, Option 2 is the least likely and you do, at the very least, have to take an objective step back and accept that there is a good chance option 1 is in play her.

Even a man who no longer loves his wife at all would be reluctant to want to leave the family and home without a bloody good reason.

Him telling you now and moving out in April is very, very strange and this in itself suggests that 1,3 or 4 are much more likely.

If he wanted to avoid confrontation by discussing marital issues, it makes little sense for him to tell you this now and then live with you for two months!

I am sorry OP what a shock. Of course you are playing catch up since he's had time to think and plan. I am sure you are not so scary that he lost his power of speech but saved the news for one emotional outburst.

I suspect H will detach more and more in spite of you jumping through hoops and doing your utmost to be the perfect wife. It may seem like an episode from the invasion of the bodysnatchers when he acts like he never has before.

Any colleagues or ex gf or anybody of the opposite sex you noticed him mentioning a lot?

He will resist counselling or discussion that might help the marriage. That's because he's already "checked out emotionally".

On the other hand he won't push to make things official, that's either him being the gentleman or playing for time to see which way the wind blows.

When he does move out, he may become hard to contact. When he does see DD he will be Dad of the Year. Please don't keep this to yourself in the hope all will return to normal, do confide in a friend. He may sleep the sleep of the just, a man who's unburdened himself, while you struggle to sleep and eat and function normally.

You may clutch at straws; he's ill, under stress, having a breakdown. Or it's a mid life crisis, he'll snap out of. His best friend probably knows a lot more than H has told you. His parents' first loyalty is to him.

At least he's spared you from a list of the supposed faults you have. He may admit to being equally at fault.

Please take care of yourself, you will get through this.

OP, whether or not you think that he will change his mind, you need to be safeguarding things. Are your accounts all joint? Have you checked them recently?

There are only two possibilities here, given that he has told you you're dumped but you have to carry on servicing him domestically and play good wifey for another couple of months.

a) as others have said, there is another woman who either needs to give notice on her own home, sort out her own exit from the relationship she was in, or perhaps agree to commit to him because right now she's not that fussed.

b) He doesn't intend to leave at all. He wants to frighten and hurt you enough that you will obey him in everything in future, because he has convinced you that the only thing that makes life worth living for you is pleasing him.

Either way, the only thing to do is make him leave now. Tell him that you are not prepared to carry on living with a man who doesn't love you and doesn't want to be with you. If he bleats about the holiday, tell him that you will talk to your inlaws about DD and your (hopefully by then X partner) going together and enjoying it while you get on with sorting out the new home you've moved into.

And see a solicitor. You need to know all the relevant information about your legal position, because this man is going to lie in order to get the best deal for himself.

There's one thing that you do know for sure, and that is that he has already checked out of the relationship. The fact that he won't even contemplate counselling tells you this. Whether he's checked out because of an OW or some other reason is, ultimately, immaterial.

The best thing you can do is to truly recognise this new reality ASAP and start to come to terms with it. This process will be infinitely harder if he's still living in your house.

When you have recognised this reality I think you'll see that issues like what his parents think and planned holidays are insignificant compared to seeing a solicitor in order to understand your legal position.

The relationship has not been good for a while. We're not intimate, we row a lot and don't have proper conversations

If a woman wrote that line, you would all be baying for blood and telling her to LTB because he was abusive.

I honestly shake my head sometimes. The relationship is over. Any the sisterhood immediately put the knife in with 'OW lurking'. Perhaps he's just sick of the screaming and yelling and general histrionics?

Perhaps you're right darlinggrace . All the more reason for him to get his arse out of the house straight away without all the fanning about until April. Poor man deserves a break.

What a pile of tosh darlingGrace

There is nothing in that passage alone that says abuse, and if you had any experience of the relationship boards, you'd sadly admit that the cheat's script is depressingly predictable.

The whole story has yet to be revealed to the op yet.

It's not putting the boot in, it's actually trying to help her understand the situation, by making sense of the nonsense.

By taking charge and telling him to go, it's a chance more than she has atm.

It's also a brilliant example to show to her h and her dd that women are not to be treated like this.

This is a situation where we have to put our feelings to one side and do what must be done in order to get where we need to be.

It's best if emotion is removed from this so thoughts can be kept straight and correct decisions can be made.

This is a battle, there is no space for emotions in battle. It clouds judgement.

I've written the letter to his parents. They will get it tonight. All I said was how sorry I am, that I want to make a go of it, and that I don't know if I can cope with the holiday.
Wish I knew what he was going to say to his dad tonight.
I don't know how I'm going to focus at work, I can barely stand yet alone do an hours commute each way to a stressful job.
But I'm going to dig deep and try to get stronger each day

Well, if it's the rowing and the 'histrionics' (no mention of those btw) grace, why doesn't he want to go to counselling? Why isn't he as keen to work through it and save this marriage as the OP is?

Warnings about a possible OW aren't sticking the knife in. Far from it. When I first started reading the relationships boards I found it harsh that posters often insisted there would be an OW, especially when the OP was equally insistent that there couldn't possibly be. Smart, sensible, loving women who swore blind that their dhs weren't like that, could never cheat, weren't the type. But the thing is, time and time and time again, they had. It is incredibly rare, ime, for men to up and leave long term relationships and strike out on their own just because they're 'unhappy'. I'm not saying it never happens but it's not the norm. OP needs to be aware of this, as forewarned is forearmed.

He should definitely be going now op. Even if it's just for a week. Why the hell is he allowed to call all the shots like this? Get all his ducks in a row to leave in his own good time with the added gratification of you begging him to stay as a nice bonus.

Don't give him that satisfaction

He's had time to think this all through. Now you need the same.

I would have thought that if he is leaving, he should leave now. Can't he go stay with his parents, since they already know anyway?

Yes, your DD will be upset. But I guarantee you she has noticed that something is up. Be honest with her, be there for her, but do not drag this out through to April.

As soon as the decision to separate has been made (and he has obviously made it), it's generally best to just go ahead and do it. Anything else just heaps mental and emotional cruelty on everyone else involved.

And sorry, but I suspect those that are saying there's an OW are most likely correct. The delay is due to rental agreements. Have you even checked his phone or anything like that?