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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband wants to leave, my world has ended

464 replies

Despair9 · 12/02/2014 20:23

I've never posted before so please bear with me.
I've read some other posts and there seems to be lots of good advice and I didn't know where else to turn.

So 12 days ago my DH tells me he doesn't love me anymore and wants to end our marriage. We have been married 10 years, have a DD 9 years old. We both work full time so life is a struggle and we haven't put as much into our marriage as we should, I will admit that. But I am absolutely floored by his announcement, my DD has no idea, to her we're a loving wonderful secure family. I haven't eaten, hardly slept, I don't know how I'm functioning at work. Every time I try to comprehend what he's said to me my head goes into a wild spin and I can't breathe. I've no more tears left inside me. I begged and pleaded with him, then read advice on line which says that's the worse thing to do. I really don't think I can go on.
How can he not even want to try to put things right? He says he won't do counselling, that there is no point as he has no feelings left.
I am so desperate. This never, ever was anything I envisaged happening.
He's told his best friend and then last night tells me he's told his mother. I'm so frightened, but I need to remain strong for our DD.
I just don't think I can cope.

OP posts:
Hissy · 12/02/2014 21:08

You can't persuade him to stay by trying to keep him!

The only chance you have is to rock his very core by saying 'ok then, pack a bag and go'

I know it sounds counterintuitive, but it's kinda like reverse psychology.

I also say cherchez le femme. Don't be so willing to stake your life on the veracity of what this guy says.

This time last week, you'd have staked your life on not being the situation you're now in.

I know this is a shock, but don't cling, fling. He has a chance of coming back then.

Minime85 · 12/02/2014 21:09

do you want him to stay then? it really needs to be what you want. my stbexh and I tried that when we separated in october- with idea to go to Christmas for dcs but god it was awful. I couldn't stand how it made me feel, that I was lying all the time about my life and life of dcs so he found a place and secured it. week before he left we told them. and by god its hard but I felt better to be honest. do you really want to go away with his family? do they know?
I def agree with other advice re finances. get it all together- in coming and out going. discuss what he will need to pay you etc. go see a solicitor, get a recommendation if u can.

mammadiggingdeep · 12/02/2014 21:10

Everyone who says tell him to go are right. It's the only way to make him see what he'll lose. It'll alsoraam you retain your dignity!

Minime85 · 12/02/2014 21:11

sorry I should have said he went start of November instead. please dont think you can't be on your own. you can. you will be able to cope. its amazing what reserves you use but things carry on and honestly I'm sure they will improve.

Original poster
Despair9 · 12/02/2014 21:13

Sorry, new on here. What is RL?

Thank so much for the advice everyone.
The overwhelming advice is to kick him out. I understand why, I guess I'm just not at that place yet. To kick him out means telling my DD and I'm not ready to break her heart, I'm not strong enough yet to pick up the pieces. Also I have no idea how we'd cope financially. I work but have a long commute so would need to alter my job in order to accommodate school runs, DH currently does most of school runs, and he does all the cooking. I guess I must sound really weak to not just kick him out. But how do you kick out the man you love and wonderful father of you DD?

OP posts:
teaandthorazine · 12/02/2014 21:17

You can't persuade him to stay, and you shouldn't try. The only chance you have is if he leaves, now, and works out what he's losing. But trying to make him stay will backfire.

He wants to leave, he needs to leave, right now. Not in April after he's had his little holiday. How hellish will that be for you and dd, to go through a bloody holiday with his parents! He needs to leave now.

And I understand that you believe him at the moment but, seriously, you should prepare yourself for the possibility that there is someone in the wings. There almost always is, even though few men admit it at first.

So sorry that he's putting you through this.

Minime85 · 12/02/2014 21:18

you need to have proper conversations about how it will all work with DC etc. no reason he can't do school runs still or at least some of them. I dont think u need to kick him out immediately but it shouldn't just be on his terms. for your and your DC sake the two of you need to plan it and work out what happens now.

Joysmum · 12/02/2014 21:19

RL is real life.

You can't try enough for both of you. Make plans and get information about your rights in separating.

Minime85 · 12/02/2014 21:19

RL is real life x

JeanSeberg · 12/02/2014 21:20

RL is real life, hoping that you have some friends and family that can support you.

teaandthorazine · 12/02/2014 21:21

X-posted. You shouldn't have to be 'kicking him out'. He has said he wants to leave, he should be taking the responsibility for it. But he can't have his cake and eat it, he can't drop this bombshell and then expect you to keep to his timetable.

RL is real life.

mammadiggingdeep · 12/02/2014 21:33

It's his job to explain to dd. financially, he'll have to contribute and he'll also have to he'll you with school runs. He can walk away from the marriage but if he's as decent as you say he should be stepping up to his responsibilities...

MissScatterbrain · 12/02/2014 21:33

He is working to his own timetable and April is more convenient (e.g OW if there is one might not be ready to move in til then).

You both need to agree on child access and how he can continue to be a dad to DC.

As for not feeling strong enough, I can understand that - but the reality is that by April, you will be a broken woman and in an even weaker position.

NumptyNameChange · 12/02/2014 21:35

if he's thinking he's just going to swan out of dd's real life (as in day to day, responsibilities, taking her to school etc) then no he's not a wonderful father.

what kind of parent would do that?

can you imagine getting it in your head oh i don't love him anymore so i'll just bugger off, never mind how dd gets to school or how they keep a roof over their heads, not my problem 'cos i don't love 'im'?

you need to look realistically at what he is doing.

a wonderful father would be working out a plan to still hold up his share of childcare, school runs etc so as not to let dd down and would be working out how this can be done so that dd's security at home in financial terms is not damaged.

and of course he doesn't want a custody battle - much nicer to be a weekend daddy and have all your freedom and far less bills reality. when he says he doesn't want a custody battle he means he doesn't want dd.

NumptyNameChange · 12/02/2014 21:38

if you really want to show him what he's doing then you leave and let him deal with it all for a week. or tell him well it will have to be 50/50 residency, i can't afford a big house so dd and i will need to share a one bed flat, in fact maybe it's better you stay here and i'll have her weekends.

obviously women never say that or do that (next to never) but i'm damn sure men would think harder about 'walking out' if it was in fact them left with all the responsibility and consequences.

mammadiggingdeep · 12/02/2014 21:39

It's his job to explain to dd. financially, he'll have to contribute and he'll also have to he'll you with school runs. He can walk away from the marriage but if he's as decent as you say he should be stepping up to his responsibilities...

LEMmingaround · 12/02/2014 21:39

no advice - just best wishes :( I think he needs to leave now, its torture having him around but knowing he is going - why can't he go now? Especially if he has told his parents - its just prolonging things and it will be awkward as hell.

mammadiggingdeep · 12/02/2014 21:41

Numpty name...too true...yes, I think you're right. Too many men swan off without really stepping up.

AToadintheHand · 12/02/2014 21:44

You really need to a grip here for the sake of your DD and yourself. If she picks up from you that the world ends when her DF leaves, how is that going to affect her?

Go and see a solicitor - make an appointment tomorrow. And get some support in real life.

Don't let him call the shots. Take control. Fancy him not wanting to involve lawyers....fancy.

Maybe if you take control, get him to leave, show that you can survive without him, then maybe (just maybe) he might further down the line want to work to save your relationship. But if you carry on as you are he'll head for the hills (possibly with the OW), and why wouldn't he when you're being so clinging and pathetic?

Keep posting on here, love. You'll get loads of support. Lots of us have been through this crap and survived.

Tash108 · 12/02/2014 21:44

Nothing more to add over and above what's been said but just hugs and best wishes, one day at a time. You have a daughter, don't let her see her Mum being walked over.

BitOutOfPractice · 12/02/2014 21:52

You are not breaking your daughter's heart

Firstly, any heart breaking is being done by him.

And secondly, your DD will be OK. She will cope and so will ou and the two of you will have a happy future together

Original poster
Despair9 · 12/02/2014 21:53

You are all so strong. Hope I can find some of your strength in the coming days/weeks, not for me but for my dd. She deserves the best so I'm going to be strong for her. My husband is a good man and I will keep praying he finds it in his heart to give us another chance.

OP posts:
Greenrememberedhills · 12/02/2014 21:54

Every time I read a thread like this, the OP says there isn't anyone else. There always is, it turns out.

It also explains the delay, I think.

maggiemight · 12/02/2014 21:54

Tell the parents that you don't want to go ahead with the holiday in April when you write to them, it would really be quite distressing for all of you to try to holiday knowing the break up was straight after.

Your DD will be distressed but if all works out she will possibly end up seeing more of her DF after a split than before, it isn't necessarily a catastrophe for her, in fact if the tensions between DH and you are reduced it could be ok for her, splitting her time with two happier DPs.

I feel she must know now something is up, she could be imagining all sorts of awful illnesses or similar, she probably should be told something.

skyeskyeskye · 12/02/2014 21:57

Despair, I am sorry that this has happened to you. My XH did the same to me, announced out of the blue that he no longer loved me. He swore there was nobody else. I believed him. Even after I found thousands of texts to OW on his mobile phone bill, I still didn't want to believe it..... He also Sid that there was no point in counselling. We had also had a tough couple of months. Instead of turning to me, he turned to OW.

I hope that there is nobody else, but quite often when this sort of announcement is made it is because there is somebody else occupying their mind.

When XH made the "I don't love you any more " speech, I told him that if he was going then to go now. He came back then left again.

Get yourself some legal advice ASAP and if he is remaining in the home then draw up some ground rules. You can't continue to run round after him.

I understand how you feel, it is devastating when this happens but you need to put yourself first from now on.