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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband wants to leave, my world has ended

464 replies

Despair9 · 12/02/2014 20:23

I've never posted before so please bear with me.
I've read some other posts and there seems to be lots of good advice and I didn't know where else to turn.

So 12 days ago my DH tells me he doesn't love me anymore and wants to end our marriage. We have been married 10 years, have a DD 9 years old. We both work full time so life is a struggle and we haven't put as much into our marriage as we should, I will admit that. But I am absolutely floored by his announcement, my DD has no idea, to her we're a loving wonderful secure family. I haven't eaten, hardly slept, I don't know how I'm functioning at work. Every time I try to comprehend what he's said to me my head goes into a wild spin and I can't breathe. I've no more tears left inside me. I begged and pleaded with him, then read advice on line which says that's the worse thing to do. I really don't think I can go on.
How can he not even want to try to put things right? He says he won't do counselling, that there is no point as he has no feelings left.
I am so desperate. This never, ever was anything I envisaged happening.
He's told his best friend and then last night tells me he's told his mother. I'm so frightened, but I need to remain strong for our DD.
I just don't think I can cope.

OP posts:
Logg1e · 17/02/2014 18:33

I Wouldn't pick any battles you can't win (such as saying what access his "friends" can have to your daughter and photos of her).

Dignity. Cool, detached dignity.

Lavenderhoney · 17/02/2014 19:09

Op, is he a ltd company? Who is the other director / company sec? Is it you or a partner?

Get in touch with them ASAP. Get them onside if you can and intimate your solicitor is watching for fraud, plus hmrc.

Whether they are or aren't is immaterial, just put the frighteners up him so he doesn't move before April.

And contact the accountant. If he has one, you don't need one to file, if you are capable, which the ow might be and money go for " investment in assets" etc.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 17/02/2014 19:27

I know many grandparents fear losing contact with their DGCs when couples split up.

If you have always got on well it could help to keep them as part of your support network. It won't be the same DIL/PILs relationship but it will help reassure DD.

You're emotionally exhausted so

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 17/02/2014 19:29

(sorry pressed Post by mistake) take your time deciding what you want to do.

SerenaBracken · 17/02/2014 19:32

Think it's him the H and her the OW Lavender.

My fear is H sells the business to OW and she then employs him at NMW.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 17/02/2014 19:48

Despair9 - despair no more. You sound incredible and so does your daughter. It is going to be hard and hurt like hell but you will get through this and come out stronger as you will realise you don't need a man to make yourself feel better. Your STBEH is going to be rewriting history and is already being Disney Dad and Twatty Husband.

BeCool · 17/02/2014 20:20

Don't feel any pressure to meet with him to talk about finances etc.

Remember he has had a long long time to plan and instigate this - whereas you are still reeling from the shock of what has happened. You are no where near a level playing field as far as head space goes.

See the solicitor etc. Don't engage with him.

You are doing fine. Big hug!

eatmydust · 17/02/2014 20:37

I am so angry on your behalf too after reading this. But, you do not need this bastard in your life, you deserve so much better. And as for the OW allowing her daughter to make friends with your DD before he told you and then liking the photos of your DDs day out with her Dad on Facebook - well words fail me really. Stay strong, you will get through this.

Regarding the inlaws wanting to see you - don't see them until you feel strong enough, but I am guessing they are completely appalled by his behaviour and are worried about you and DD. Maybe you could get your sister to contact them? My exHs family were amazing and supportive with me and the DCs, and completely appalled with him and his behaviour. It did also have the effect of making things very difficult for him and OW and increasing my financial settlement as exH was told very clearly by his family that they would not support him in any way or meet the OW if he expected our family home to be sold so he could take a share of the assets.

SerenaBracken · 17/02/2014 21:05

So what's going to happen re Disney? You little girl must be beside herself as to what's happening. Am I going, am I not?

Original poster
Despair9 · 17/02/2014 21:17

I've not said anything to her about Disney yet.
She doesn't understand it all.
She's just written her daddy a note to go in a tin with some of her special things. The end of the note says he can have the things to remind him of her until he comes home. She obviously still doesn't get the fact it's permanent, or perhaps she knows deep down but doesn't want the pain of having to admit it. I'm going to have to go very, very carefully with her so the damage isn't too great.

OP posts:
WeAreDetective · 17/02/2014 21:19

Oh, that's heart breaking. Sending you a hug for yourself too. It's bad enough having to deal with your own heartache.

SerenaBracken · 17/02/2014 22:01

Thanks for the update, so sad. Shows what a shit he is not at least to have kept his mouth shut until May. Whatever his bowling treats, he's ruined the big holiday for all of you. Selfish, cheating sod.

I can't help feeling sorry too for his parents. They were so looking forward to the holiday with their granddaughter, and now look what their selfish, cheating son has caused. Utter mayhem and misery, the bastard.

SerenaBracken · 17/02/2014 22:07

Sweet little Soul. Lovely girly whirly. Putting her thoughts into a tin. Lovely mummy too.

Why could us mums never think of walking out on them but the fathers can and do?

patienceisvirtuous · 17/02/2014 22:14

I hope you and DD go on the holiday with your PILS.

He can just fuck off, the nasty bastard!

Minime85 · 17/02/2014 22:18

oh despair so sad for you both. your dd is dealing with it in her own way and I think as you say its hard for them to see the finality of it all. god its hard enough as an adult. I think that's a lovely thing she is doing and when she gives him those things I hope he feels her heartbreak and yours too.Thanks

cjel · 17/02/2014 22:34

Glad to see you've got your family to support you> I'd get solicitors to do all finances as he will be relying on your ignorance to be less than open. YOu will not be being nasty you will be open and trustworthy.x

Original poster
Despair9 · 18/02/2014 16:49

Not a good day. Told a couple of close friends today, telling others makes me re life events all over again.
I can't seem to move forward. Still haven't arranged meeting with h, I'm not in the right place yet. I'm not achieving anything other than surviving each day at the moment, but I can't go on like this. Meeting the PIL tomorrow, I'm just going to listen to what they have to say.
Thanks for all the support all.
XxX

OP posts:
WeAreDetective · 18/02/2014 16:54
Sad cut yourself some slack. There will be tough days and also times when you feel angry, strong or any number of emotions under the sun.

Do what you can and when you need to. You own agenda xx

And remember the better moments because they help in the darker times Smile

LEMmingaround · 18/02/2014 17:10

You are doing admirably - its nice of you to meet the PIL but remember that you owe them nothing. Don't be pressured into anything and do not allow the meeting to be about them acting on your H's behalf.

Don't meet with your DH until you have spoken to your solicitor, do not let him bamboozle you into making financial commitments etc.

One day at a time is all you can ask of yourself just now - Flowers

OddFodd · 18/02/2014 17:41

I've been lurking since my initial comment because I had no advice. But now I just want to tell you that you've had a terrible shock and to be gentle with yourself. Remember that you're now in control. You don't have to do anything at all until you're ready. Don't have to meet anyone, don't have to talk to anyone unless you want to. I want to give you a hug - I think you're coping admirably.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 18/02/2014 18:23

You will get there OP, just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Write down any and every question that occurs to you, day or in the middle of the night.

If/When he gives you cash, record the amount and date.
Photocopy a cheque.
Promises? Get them in writing.

Save every email, text, and note you get from ex. Save them in a file on your pc - better still, print them out. Every promise he makes, on paper or on a screen, copy it. Keep any voicemails.

Anything he nags about or tries to hurry you, be firm, say "I'll think about it" or "I'll get back to you on that".

Logg1e · 18/02/2014 20:20

Are you kidding OP?? Your first post was less than a week ago!

Survival mode - breathing, eating and nurturing yourself is an achievement at this stage.

Lavenderhoney · 18/02/2014 22:53

Yes, take it very easy indeed. No rush. Thinking takes time and time is money.

And get paperwork, and screen shots of anything that might be useful. You never know.

perfectstorm · 19/02/2014 04:40

I agree with everyone else - these are such early days, and you are coping truly impressively. This is a bereavement and will take time to absorb, process and recover from. But you will.

I so, so hope your PIL are loving and supportive, because you deserve that.

Thinking of you. xx

MissScatterbrain · 19/02/2014 08:28

I agree its very early days and it takes time to start to feel better.

What you can do now is to make a list of things to do e.g council tax, tax credit, making copies of pay slips, bank statements etc. You will feel more in control then.

Also do things to help boost your self esteem - haircut, massage, long soaks in bubble baths or even a walk in a park.