Husband wants to leave, my world has ended

[Despair9]

I've never posted before so please bear with me.
I've read some other posts and there seems to be lots of good advice and I didn't know where else to turn.

So 12 days ago my DH tells me he doesn't love me anymore and wants to end our marriage. We have been married 10 years, have a DD 9 years old. We both work full time so life is a struggle and we haven't put as much into our marriage as we should, I will admit that. But I am absolutely floored by his announcement, my DD has no idea, to her we're a loving wonderful secure family. I haven't eaten, hardly slept, I don't know how I'm functioning at work. Every time I try to comprehend what he's said to me my head goes into a wild spin and I can't breathe. I've no more tears left inside me. I begged and pleaded with him, then read advice on line which says that's the worse thing to do. I really don't think I can go on.
How can he not even want to try to put things right? He says he won't do counselling, that there is no point as he has no feelings left.
I am so desperate. This never, ever was anything I envisaged happening.
He's told his best friend and then last night tells me he's told his mother. I'm so frightened, but I need to remain strong for our DD.
I just don't think I can cope.

I think division of assets is from the date you actually file- you will need to check with your solicitor.

Off set mortgage- any money in there is a pot which is used - you can decide whether to off set it or take it out. If you are on that mortgage, make sure you talk to them, because it can be taken out at anytime, I think. Trying to remember, best to check.

There is a UK divorce forum on a solicitors website. You could post. Ill pm it to you. He is rather blunt but cuts through emotion to the real issue.

Its great you are getting rl support, you and your dd are very lucky. Keep planning for Easter though, and weekends. Busy- you need to be busy. Either having fun with your dd or working out things.

Just delurking to let you know that you can do a companies house search on DH's business and get a copy of his accounts, Despair. You have to pay a small amount but it sounds like it would be worth it - or you can get a solicitor to do it for you.

The accounts would only be from when he last filed, depending on his business start date.
Your solicitor needs to know he's not to be trusted.

Who is his accountant? It might be worth telling your sol and discussing the issue of him faking his numbers and how the accounting body might take a dim view of that, should it be reported:)

Think of your dd, and don't leave anything to chance.

I'm afraid I agree that you need to be very hard-headed about the financial situation. It sounds, from the joint account with OW and the heavy emphasis on how you didn't need legal advice at the start, as though he fully intends to be.

Hope you are managing to eat something. This is one of the most horrible points in your life, and you will feel like utter hell... but you will get through it, past it, and be happy again. You have to hold on to that. Churchill once said that there's only one thing to do when going through hell: keep going. It's the truth. You will reach the end and start to lift again, and sooner than you imagine possible right now.

Thinking of you and your dd. So very sorry you are in this situation.

They call it the heartbreak diet but you need to keep your wits about you so try amd take in some nutrition.

If you like avocado, I found them good when heartbroken. Full of protein, vitamins, heart-healthy fats, but slip down without effort and so easy to just cut in half and eat with a spoon when preparation seems beyond you. That and posh soups (Provender are good, and again, easy to eat). Fruit in general can be easy to get through - berries etc - as you can nibble so aren't faced with a huge plate. Nuts, same thing. Bowls of granola, too.

Sorry to sound like your mum, but the others are right - you can't afford to lack any nutrition right now, you need to look after yourself. That way, you can look after your dd and her interests.

How's your weekend been despair?

Well managed to get through the weekend as went to stay with my sister. Dd was happy as she had cousins to play with.
She called H last night but didn't speak to him sat. He's got her today as whale term and was always planned to have her.
Handing over on doorstep was the hardest thing ever.
He's written me a letter, wants to know a good time to sit down so we can sort everything out, by that he means finances, access etc.
I'm so not ready to do that yet. Still can't eat , barely sleeping, head still all over the place. I think the pills are working in that I do feel calmer, but almost too calm sometimes, I feel I've lost some get up and go.
In laws have also written to me begging me to see them. Not sure if I'm ready for that either.
When I saw him this morning I told him dd was not to go near ow without my express permission. He agreed.
This is the hardest time of my left ever.

And I've also remembered that the ow daughter came to our house the other week to play with dd.
I thought it strange at the time, she doesn't go to her school and is a different year, but DH just said she was the daughter of a work colleague and he'd gone round to fix her computer (he does IT) with dd and she'd made friends with other girl. The next day she came round for a play with dd when I was at work.
I keep thinking of all these things then kicking myself for being so blind.

When I saw him this morning I told him dd was not to go near ow without my express permission. He agreed.

Going round to OW's house with DD to 'fix her computer' so DD could befriend her dd is pretty calculating.

He has an answer for everything I'm sure. With DD the age she is she will notice things and I hope he wouldn't ask her to keep secrets from you.

I think your DD has probably already spent lots of time with the OW sadly. So sorry OP. You are doing very well, but please don't trust a word he says. He will lie through his teeth about everything now.

Oh despair my love. His behaviour is not unusual when having an affair. In my case he invited the ow to our DCs christening, she stayed at ours and helped bath the kids whilst f*cking their Dad. It's awful as it all comes out.

Every time you think you've heard all the horror stories, a new one comes out and all the while you're buffeted by these waves. Horrible.

If he wants to discuss the contact going forward etc use a mediator or get a good friend who can remain neutral to be there with you and remember it's ok to say 'I'll need to think about that and get back to you' on anything at all, at anytime. He doesn't have to have immediate answers to anything anymore. It's all part of putting boundaries in place. If he rings you shouting for example, you can say 'I won't be spoken to like that' and hang up.

Some people prefer to converse only by e-mail or text at this stage, or even through a third party until things settle. Do whatever helps you right now. And don't let him rush you on anything.

You sound like you're doing great.

I need to run, I'm at work but just popped on to see how you were x

I'm sure your solicitor will advise you, but don't sign anything or agree to anything financial verbally or on email etc etc

Agree to go through it all, then tell him you need time to think ( ie, see a professional)

He's got it all worked out hasn't he?

Your last post makes me feel sick. How can people be so heartless? Because their heart has slipped to their pants I suppose. What a vile OW to allow such a thing. What a vile,vile woman. With examples like these, you'll soon be thankful H is out of your daily life.
Can the daft OW not see that if he capable of doing this to you, her turn will come?

Do the in laws wish to discuss the holiday, is that why they want to see you?

Don't do anything you don't wish to. Blame it on a counsellor. Say you have been advised not to at present. Say it's advice from your solicitor, anything.

Just to add Despair if you do wish to take money from him in whatever form, it won't affect the final outcome.
Both of you will have to declare your income and assets in great detail a bit later for the court.

Your biggest problem I fear, is not only that he is self employed, but he has her in the know to egg him on. Are you involved in his company at all? I expect the answer is no, or you would have mentioned it.

You found a secret bank account IIRC? Hope you didn't let on, as it will be interesting to see whether he declares it to the court.

Yes don't sign anything. Finances etc can be agreed in the divorce. If he's wanting to agree how much to pay you for now, he needs to realise nothing is set in stone at all until divorce is completed. And you won't sign anything etc.

Run everything like that past your solicitor.

Just tell him you can't agree anything without taking legal advice. Don't be bullied at all. That's why I suggested to have a friend there or head straight to mediation if your solicitor agrees with that. Then you can cover all of that in a safe place/ situation and go away and think about it before agreeing too if you wish.

It will be ok. You're far stronger than you ever thought and you will get through this.

It's awful at the time, you're reeling emotionally and trying to process it all and he's already checked out of the marriage long ago and wants to move forward. It's heartless and so painful.

My ExHs relationship with the OW ended in the end and his life is not at all rosie these days. I hope one day you can look back and have the last laugh too. As bitter as that sounds.

Still at work I must go.

That's really important advice. Don't do anything without the solicitor seeing it first.

He may well say stuff about not getting solicitors involved and keeping it amicable... And that's usually code for.... not making it difficult for him and helping him keep the best financial deal he can.

Are the inlaws writing to you to be supportive? or are they trying to get you to keep contact for their sakes?

I'm so cross for you too on the subject of the playdate, what a vile and revolting man. :(

However tempting it maybe to tell him now that you've uncovered evidence of his duplicity - don't.

Including duping you to entertain OW DD - they have been manipulating you and your DD behind the scenes. Vile and not in your DD best interests and I can't see that being condoned.

Sorry to hear these developments OP.

Have you seen a solicitor yet?

I hope you found professional advice and can put things on a formal footing. He will be keen to hurry things along at his pace so he can feel he is tying up loose ends.

There is life after a cheat Despair keep telling yourself that. If you feel you are just going through the motions, for now that's enough. You won't crumble because the worst has happened, from now on you live for you and your DD. The grief will fade and you shall get through this, the dark clouds will lift.

It gets worse.
So he's got her for the day and has posted pics on Facebook of her bowling, mini golf, having a hot chocolate, taken her for her first Chinese (I don't like Chinese) and eating an ice cream. The OW has liked all of the photos of my dd that he's posted.
Just when I thought it wasn't possible to ache any more....

Disney dad

As for the OW - what a total cow. They are behaving like dicks.

Try to rise above it - though I'd be very tempted to get a friend to write something.

There was no need to advertise it was there? Fuckers.