Husband wants to leave, my world has ended

[Despair9]

I've never posted before so please bear with me.
I've read some other posts and there seems to be lots of good advice and I didn't know where else to turn.

So 12 days ago my DH tells me he doesn't love me anymore and wants to end our marriage. We have been married 10 years, have a DD 9 years old. We both work full time so life is a struggle and we haven't put as much into our marriage as we should, I will admit that. But I am absolutely floored by his announcement, my DD has no idea, to her we're a loving wonderful secure family. I haven't eaten, hardly slept, I don't know how I'm functioning at work. Every time I try to comprehend what he's said to me my head goes into a wild spin and I can't breathe. I've no more tears left inside me. I begged and pleaded with him, then read advice on line which says that's the worse thing to do. I really don't think I can go on.
How can he not even want to try to put things right? He says he won't do counselling, that there is no point as he has no feelings left.
I am so desperate. This never, ever was anything I envisaged happening.
He's told his best friend and then last night tells me he's told his mother. I'm so frightened, but I need to remain strong for our DD.
I just don't think I can cope.

I wouldn't rise to it. Which will she remember in 20 years, the day mummy told her daddy had left or a day of bowling?.

Don't go in for text message abuse etc either, you can be arrested for it. You have to be whiter than white I'm afraid.

Yes do not get a friend to write anything - I would be tempted but I wouldn't!

Let them behave like idiot teenagers - don't be dragged down.

Block him on FB so you can't torture yourself, all communication via email or solicitor.

Well if ever there was a 'booby prize' in life, the OW just won it.

You will grieve for the man you thought he was for a while, but life will get slowly but steadily better. X

Is it possible to block yourself from his acrid facebook account? I know nothing of FB, but you need some way to stop torturing yourself.

Despair, you don't have to sit down with him to sort out finances/access if you don't want to. A solicitor can/will do that for you. Can family help you out with fees? Some solicitors will agree to take their fees out of a final divorce settlement too. A decent solicitor will want full financial disclosure from him going back at least 2 years - so it will be difficult for him to pull the wool over your eyes financially.

Start thinking about what you want out of this for you/your dd now. Can you stay in the house? How do your earnings compare to his? What sort of CM can you expect from him? What sort of access to dd is fair/practical? Don't be bullied into anything by him. You can file for divorce for adultery and name the OW now- something he was obviously hoping to avoid by telling you a pack of lies at the beginning of all this.

Oh fuck op. I never say this but that bastard and his whore needs a slap

The OW can deny adultery, then OP is left with egg on her face. More or less the only way to prove it is if she were pregnant.
Better to go for unreasonable behaviour.
Under the four or five reasons for the UB, head it with,
Inappropriate Behaviour with xxxx xxxxxxx

I love it, and wished I'd done it, as I was far to keen to keep it amicable.

I definitely wouldn't meet him until I'd A) had legal advice whether to, and B) had a think about what I wanted and what were deal breakers.

One good thing about his self employment in IT , is that only he can do the work.
There is no business to speak of as it only consists of him so he has to continue working. As long as the contracts come in of course.

I got nervous typing that. He is a one man band isn't he Despair? He doesn't oversee others doing IT work?

I know nothing of child court matters and whether his pathetic FB pics will gain him credibility in a court. I do know though of being self employed and how they are able to dispose of assets.
Believe me, once the assets have gone, the courts don't care.

Block him on Facebook, because this will hurt you so much otherwise. And don't discuss anything to do with money or child residence etc until you've had legal advice - and then arrange an appointment with a mediator. He will have a lot tougher time trying to manipulate or diddle you with a decent mediator present, but it'll be a lot cheaper than endless exchanges between solicitors. An agreement reached in mediation can be converted into a court order by consent, so it'd be binding.

Maybe sit down with solicitor and work out what the minimum you could fairly expect would be, then work out what you'd actually like in an ideal world, in terms of child contact/residence and maintenance, share of assets etc. That way you can go into mediation with a target and an absolute floor it would be silly to drop beneath. He sounds, sadly, as if he's had his ducks in a row for a while, so he will want to get things settled as suits him asap, before you get legal advice.

This is hell. I'm so sorry - the worst possible pain. But it will pass, and you will get through this and out the other side, unimaginable as it is right now. You will be fine.

Sorry to be blunt on the legal side, but the reality is he's pushing for this while you are vulnerable, and given his behaviour in other respects, this does sound suspicious. You can't afford to be vulnerable to him, so a solicitor could ensure you weren't - knowledge on what you are entitled to is empowering.

To find the best solicitor go to Legal500UK. Then click on Private client and then Family.

It will tell you the firms in say West Midlands which have had the most praise from other solicitors etc. for the area of Law,ie Family, you are wanting - and more to the point the names of the solicitors in these firms and comments about them.

You can then phone up and ask to speak to a specific person.

When my H went 8 years ago, I decided there and then that I was never going to criticise him to my children ie get them involved in the relationship breakdown. On the other hand I wasn't going to have him as a 'no mention area'. Difficult to do but I tried to be grown up to minimise the strain on the c.

My d was a year off her A levels at the time and I decided that she was the priority, not H or me. It also helped me having a focus other than H. Fortunately she did very well, went to Uni and is now a barrister. ( Hence my knowledge above.)

You need to get your future game plan for yourself and your c straight in your head and s-d H.

Yes I second Jean. Block him on fb. It's too painful otherwise. Every post he does will hurt otherwise.

I filed for divorce using adultery but I didn't name the OW. But as my ExH was keen to divorce quickly it was very straight forward in my case. But I strongly felt I shouldn't name the OW but keep it simple. That was my decision. I tried to rise above it all. She was a family friend but I never texted or called her. I removed her as a friend on fb and had nothing to do with her. I felt it was pointless. ExH had fed her a pack of lies to justify the affair and had no doubt painted me as the villain. She wouldn't have listened if I tried and I felt it may have complicated the divorce if I named her. That was my experience but please speak to your solicitor and take their advice here, not ours on mn.

Write down all questions you have and ask your solicitor when your head is clearer and you're ready. They will advise you on what they feel is best to petition under. And try and see two or three solicitors and pick the one you feel most comfortable with. You don't have to go with the first. It's a long process, so you need the right one for you.

The ow is just staking her interest. Ignore. She is playing the pick me game as she doesn't really know what is going on and is attempting support.

Foolish, as one day, your dd will have her own fb account and be able to see. I would keep it open, but don't look, for future at least.

There's no rush. Call his parents and say you'll bring dd over but no holiday unless you want to, without him.

He has had lots of time to plan. You haven't. Make him wait. And don't do anything hasty. If his ow has a dd, you might want him to change his will so in the event of his death and you have divorced the cheating scumbag, then your dd inherits everything, with you or a solicitor as trustee til she comes of age.

Give the idiot something to think about:)

The one advantage of telling the H personally how much you need from him in the interim, is it saves cranking up more fees to sols sending letters.
Remember there is no legal aid anymore. (Shame on you England for doing such a thing. Wrong, very wrong. Justice should be available to even the poorest in society.)

Your sol will be very keen to handle it for you, but a letter to your H, £30+vat, one back and so on and so forth soon mounts up. Remember too, that a solicitor's letter bears no more weight than from anyone else, so you could easily spend and be back to square one. Better having the money to take DD on a lovely hol, just M&DD bonding time.
Don't ever spend £100 to gain £90 to score a point.
Never feel intimidated by a letter from a sol unless there is court attached to it.

All the references to Rottweiler sols mean nothing, as only a court matters in the end.
You may come to regard your sol as a friend, which they are most certainly not.
Never take any emotional baggage in to discuss at their prices, cheaper to see a therapist. All they want is an easy solution for their records and cash in the till.

So don't dismiss out of hand negotiating face to face how much you want from him. Tread softly too is my advice so as not to scare him. If he was employed you'd be safer. The SE are slippery toads.

I have one scenario in mind where he could really stitch you up. The problem with divorce sols is they have no business knowledge.

I'd say do as much yourself as possible, some sols are happy with that, only getting involved in looking things over from the legal aspect. It will make you feel empowered as well. At the least you should learn all the stages which wikivorce has on their site.

Remember when talking to the H, every word will be related back to the OW who will scream, "How much"?
Leave emotions out of it for that reason and keep it cold and business like.
She will take to using terms such us, "Our solicitor", "We received a letter".
No you didn't Bat, it's his divorce, not yours!

Sorry my advice is all over the place. Writing as it came back to me.

I actually winced when I read that post about Facebook, OP. You poor thing. You MUST remove him as a friend - don't put yourself through any more of that.

The heartless, horrible behaviour of your stbxh and that woman doesn't actually bode well for their future together. Smacks of desperation to me. They must realise that everyone they know will think they are complete dicks.

I agree with Serena on communication. Separate facts from feelings if you can. Business like is perfect. If you can.

facebook is a bloody pain in the backside. I have loved and loathed in in equal measures although I tend more to loath since stbexh and I separated. if u feel you can I would keep him as a friend so u can use anything as evidence if needs be and hide him from your timeline. that way you dont have to see his updates. in time you will come to check his page less and less.

Despair if ex is not hassling you and is entertaining DD then regard this as a breather. In time he may get frustrated with you because you do not go along with all that he wants. He will have a list of things to do and will want them all neatly ticked off.

Ex is focusing on himself now and playing to the gallery. That way he can deny any charge of selfishness and at the same time declare he has to be true to himself, blah blah, now that he's fallen in love for the first time or however he spins it, blah blah.

You are DD's rock of guidance and support, let H buy her a nice day out, he knew half term was coming up. Blank out and ignore anything OW does. Tiring as it is always taking the high road, focus on your love for DD. As far as she knows, her DF has not abandoned her, they've had a good time together.

What a horrendous man, really. And as for her...

If its any consolation, it probably won't last. They do sound desperate.

You've been v strong, despair. Keep going.

To be fair, id remove him from your facebook too but before you do, you should put a comment on those pictures that you do not want him publishing pictures of your DD where that woman rancid cunt can have access to it. Make it absolutely clear to all of his, and your friends and family just what a scummy snake this man is. He doesn't get to play the perfect father for all to see when he has broken his little girls heart - I would happily punch the bastard for you. You do need to get angry now - it will get you through. Once you have done that - delete and block.

As someone said upthread, he is not the man you loved, maybe he never was and by showing his true colours you can see that actually, you are better off without the duplicitous bastard.

Heart broken for you Op.

He knows you will see that. He should have the sensitivity to play it down. Disgusting behaviour from the pair of them. Block him....don't torture yourself.

Totally agree with LEM
No further pictures of your dd to be posted on the Internet.

Are the pictures of your daughter there for the public to see?
They are obviously viewable for his friends, including the OW.

That would be money well spent, that he must keep all details of his daughter's life private.
No pictures as "court procedure pending."