Husband wants to leave, my world has ended

[Despair9]

I've never posted before so please bear with me.
I've read some other posts and there seems to be lots of good advice and I didn't know where else to turn.

So 12 days ago my DH tells me he doesn't love me anymore and wants to end our marriage. We have been married 10 years, have a DD 9 years old. We both work full time so life is a struggle and we haven't put as much into our marriage as we should, I will admit that. But I am absolutely floored by his announcement, my DD has no idea, to her we're a loving wonderful secure family. I haven't eaten, hardly slept, I don't know how I'm functioning at work. Every time I try to comprehend what he's said to me my head goes into a wild spin and I can't breathe. I've no more tears left inside me. I begged and pleaded with him, then read advice on line which says that's the worse thing to do. I really don't think I can go on.
How can he not even want to try to put things right? He says he won't do counselling, that there is no point as he has no feelings left.
I am so desperate. This never, ever was anything I envisaged happening.
He's told his best friend and then last night tells me he's told his mother. I'm so frightened, but I need to remain strong for our DD.
I just don't think I can cope.

Hope everything goes ok when you see your PIL today. Just take every day a day at a time, it will get better.

How are you doing, op?

First meeting with h this afternoon. Am dreading it.
Got to sort out finances, access, plus a million other things.
Don't know how I'm going to face it, but I know I have to.
Dd still unsure what is going on, so I need closure so I can explain what is going to happen to her.
She is so very brave and beautiful.

Despair please be very careful about making any agreements about finances. I would stick to his immediate contribution to your daughter's maintenance and initial contact. Don't let him bully you into anything else.

And if he makes any attempt to belittle you look him in the eye and say I am not the one who had a tawdry little affair with the office secretary ffs of all the cliches

You need everything in writing, signed by both of you and dated.

The judge we had found in our favour because we had everything in writing signed by the ex.

Have you seen a solicitor? I wouldn't even meet him, I'd sort the financial stuff via solicitors and the access via email.

That is true - why meet him at all? It will just be upsetting and horrid. No contact is the best way I reckon.

Cancel the meeting, get legal advice as to what you are realistically entitled to before he tosses you crumbs.

Knowledge is power and that power will give you the strength to attend that meeting.

OP - have you spoken to a solicitor? I think you need to find out what your rights are before meeting with him. I'm very worried that he'll try to pull the wool over your eyes here - men always say 'let's not involve solicitors' for this reason.

I'm just going to listen to what he has to say. I'm not ready to agree to anything yet. My dad is going to be with me too.

It's a bad idea, he's months ahead of you planning wise. Don't let him put the fear into you, let things happen at your pace but you need proper legal advice as a matter of urgency.

so he will just give you a character assassination of how awful you are and how he had no choice but to leave - please don't meet him and give him an opportunity to rewrite history and justify his own appalling behaviour.

I wouldn't listen to what he has to say - maybe he'll be different, but it's very common in these scenarios that he will try to lay the blame for his affair/the breakdown of your marriage, solely at your door.

I think you're still in a very vulnerable state, and you don't need to listen to him. His actions have already sent you reeling. Far, far better to consult a solicitor (even if only for free consultation) and get him to listen to you - and tell him how you want the marital assets divided up.

I think he'll just upset you even more.

I'm really, really glad to hear your dad will be there too. It will rein your H in somewhat, and mean he can't try to manipulate you into accepting a bad deal.

I agree that saying you're there to hear his proposals and will get back to him when you have had time to consider them is wise. I do understand why you feel you want to see him in person, too. It must all seem very unreal right now. But please, please don't let him try to argue he wants to talk to you in private. It's so apparent he will struggle to manipulate you effectively with your father sitting in.

See him with your df if you feel you want to, write everything down he suggests and show your solicitor. Don't agree to anything verbally or in writing, even if it sounds reasonable. Just say you'll have a think.

You don't have to do what he wants at all, and any suggestion of not seeing a solicitor is a red flag. Just be non committal. And finish the meeting when you like or if he tries to get you to agree.

He has had ages to prep for this and it won't be easy. And don't forget he will have discussed it with ow as well, and go straight to tell her any outcome.

It is cheaper not to fight via solicitors but first you have to know what you are fighting for and what you are entitled to. You need facts first.

Horrible day for you despair. Glad your dad is there for you.
Just a short note to let you know I'm thinking of you.

Good luck. You will get through this.

Hope everything went as well as could be expected OP.

Oh honey. What an absolute vile shit of a man. I don't have any good advice but am here to listen.

I've applied for council tax reduction online.
Letter has come in the post, but one of the questions is have they removed all of their possessions from the property.
He hasn't yet, although has taken enough clothes etc so hasn't been back to the house, apart from yesterday.
Does anyone know if this means I'm not entitled to the discount until he removes all of his property?
In which case I may need to buy more black bags !!!

Hi OP how did it go yesterday?

Yesterday was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But we got through it.
I told,him what I wanted in terms of money and access and he's gone away to think about it.
I'm hoping the first conversation is the hardest and things get easier from here.
He still wants to go to Disney.

I got my council tax discount immediately and chucked his stuff back at him over the next few weeks when he dropped DD off as i wouldnt ave him in the house again. Answer yes and make sure that his belongings are boxed up so should anyone come round, it is obvious that he doesn't live there any more.

You are doing well, just keep on one thing at a time for now.

I think focusing on the practicalities will help you get through this difficult time.

What are your thoughts about the holiday? Is going with you and the in-laws an option for you?