'D'P has stolen all the DC's money

[thatwasprettylow]

Namechanged for this - I'd appreciate some advice, please. I'll try not to dripfeed but it's a long story so I'll have to annotate.

Basically, DP has a long history of being utterly hopeless with money. He seems totally incapable of spending money on things like bills, and squanders it on I know not what, to the extent that I've wondered if he's got a gambling addiction or something that I don't know about. This hasn't been helped by the fact that his work over the last few years has been really erratic. We've been really struggling money-wise for a few years now.

Last week I went to the bank to pay in some money that the children were given for Christmas and DS's January birthday and was told that DS's account had been closed. I assumed that the bank had just screwed up somehow, as the DC's accounts are Trust accounts and are supposed to require 3 signatures (DP's mine and my DMum's) for any withdrawals. The woman from the bank poked about a bit and said she'd ring me back, but didn't, so I asked my DMum to pop in when she was passing and see if they had sorted it.

A few days later, last Thursday, 'D'P 'confessed' to me that he somehow linked his account online to the DS's account and has, over a period of time, drained DS's account and spent all the money (about 10k). The bank had contacted him and warned him that we were inquiring about it. I told him to leave the house and called the bank, who confirmed that he has also drained DD's account.

I can't believe he's done this - I have no idea what to say to him or to the DCs, who are still quite little (6 and 2). Apart from that, I need to sort out logistics, as DP usually does the childcare while I'm at work.

He has sent me a text saying 'please can we resolve this?', as if a quick chat will sort it out. I don't want to see him - I just don't think there's anything he can say to excuse this.

Should say " I can't see the point in her posting here "

Should say " I can't see the point in her posting here "

I agree

As far as I am aware of, the only ways to completely destroy a large sum of money with nothing to show for it are drugs, gambling, or prostitution.

I don't see where else £10k+ can have gone.

Despicable.

Where is he now?

I'd be inclined to hear his 'explanation' - not to forgive him or hear ludicrous justifications, but to make him squirm and make him accountable. Maybe he should 'explain' it to you and your solicitor step father. You and step father can then work out best way forward.

OP, really.. This guy has basically scrounged these past years off you, he has "failed to repay you" once before, and has now taken quite a large sum of money.. and you are doing nothing about it?

Where is the dignity/self-worth/pride? This guy has stolen from the most important people in yours and Dmoms world... get some principles, and respect your kids in the long-run.. they would rather know him a liar now, than when he abuses their trust later on in life..

OP: You have been brought up in a toxic, woman-hating environment. That's partly why this thief has been able to rip you and your DC off to this extent - you believe that it's essential to have a Man In Your Life and to placate and keep him.
You really need to lose that mindset. Report the thief to the police, take steps to minimize any contact he may have with you or the DC - he will fuck off out of their lives anyway now he's been rumbled so don't worry too much about court-mandated contact.

If you can get him sent to prison for theft now that will be the best thing you can do for your DC, because as they grow older they may be vulnerable to being conned by him. If it's on record that he went to prison for robbing them, they will be less likely to believe any moneygrabbing bullshit he may throw at them when they are old enough to be worth robbing.

You have had some very good advice and support on here pretty and some not so great support.
I hope you make the right decisions for you and your DC's. You need to start my protecting yourself and your family and if the only way to do that is to report him to the police then so be it.
He has unscrupulously stolen from them and they are children. You need to protect them from that ever happening again in adulthood.
You were fooled by him once don't be again.

I know the thought that the whole town will know is not a welcome one. They will look and say "she must of known" "silly women getting fooled like that" But rather that for a short time than have him ripping off you, your family or somebody else.

Fuck sake. He STOLE FROM THEM FFS. And you aren't going to go to the police?!

The bank have fucked up in allowing this - but they will do NOTHING if you haven't reported him to the police.

What will he do next, if he doesn't have access to their money now?

Are YOU financially safe from his recklessness? What about your mortgage? Are you SURE he hasn't taken out loans against your home? Are you SURE he hasn't taken out loans in YOUR name?

To blow that sort of money, it's either drugs, gambling or prostitutes. Or all three.

And you want your DC's to have a relationship with someone who stole from them?

Right. So a bank employee steals that £15k, would you go to the police? YES. If your brother stole that £15k, would you go to the police? YES. So why is it any different because he is their father?!

That makes it WORSE, not better!

He STOLE A HUGE AMOUNT OF MONEY FROM HIS OWN FUCKING CHILDREN. You can't GET any lower than that.

If he had stolen that amount of money from his parents, I'm quite sure you would be urging them to contact the police. So why will you not afford your own children that same protection?!

Wow. Just wow. There have been a spate of threads on here the past few days from people who put up with abuse, theft, anything just to have a relationship.

My aunt did what you did, she divorced her son's father, but never told him about his lies relating to his gambling addiction and debt problems.

He stole her son's identity and ran up thousands in bad debt, it only came out when her son was arrested after a routine traffic stop. And even then, he didn't want to prosecute dear old dad, he was lovely, except for the fact he is a thief. It was only after his commanding officer made it clear to him the effects not prosecuting would have on his military career that he did, and even then, the twat still tried to manipulate him. He very nearly did.

This is what you are setting up for your kids.

He even tried to get back in touch with my cousin (they've been 15 years no contact). My cousin actually considered it, but then his wife reminded him how, for years, it was a struggle for them to even get a tenancy agreement because he had to bring in reams of police records to show he wasn't the one who swindled people out of $200,000.

Oh and why should your Mother be £15k out of pocket? It matters not that she volunteered to replace the money, it's not her place to do so.

And shame on you for even considering accepting the money from her in order to protect that dickwad.

OP I implore you to go to the police. It's not for you to figure out if he's committed a criminal act - they will do that on your behalf.

This isnt about the money itself, it's about standing uk against wrongdoings and setting the right example fr your children.

Two outcomes I foresee if you don't involve the police/

1. their father will blame you for any separation and later in life will tell them you're making stuff up about te theft/it wasn't that bad etc....because if it was you'd have one to the police. Your good nature/naivety will be used against you. And trust me it will. Anyone who is evil enough to steal from his children would not hesitate to blame someone else. You've already describe him as a man child who does not face up to adult responsibilities in life
2. Your children, if they hear about the theft, will grow up to think that it's ok to steal - that acts go unpunished. Or thy women can be walked over and financially abused because they dont take a stance against it

With all conscience can you face these consequences just to avoid gossip in the village/town?

He stole thousands of £ from you and you stayed with him? You allowed him to have any kind of input and control over your children's money? Why?! That is just insane. And your attitude is incomprehensible. It's only money? He's been a prat? No, it's not only money! It's about far more than money. This man is toxic and you are protecting him for completely misguided reasons. Your kids would be better off without his influence in their life.
He stole from his own children! Call the fucking police!

He's a criminal, please go to the police and stand up for your children's rights if nothing else!!

As Fanjolina says, in the future, he will blame "you" for the separation, and use it against you. He's the type of weak man who would do that.

When you go to the police, it may become apparent that he is "known" to them. I reckon there's more nasty stuff lurking in the woodshed that he's been up to, sadly.

Okay, firstly the law on trusts is clear: the "named" owner of property or money they hold solely as a trustee for someone else does NOT get any benefit from them. All they have is obligation and responsibility for the property, and they have to account for it to the person or people who they are supposed to be looking out for. Charities have trustees, for example - yet if they use any of the cash for their benefit, they can go to jail, and they have to repay it. So yes, it's theft.

You also say: He's stolen money off me in the past and never repaid despite promising to. You add that YOU saved this money. Not him: you. So he's stolen from the mother of his kids, and now he's stolen from his kids.

If you call the police over this, and also start the process of getting the cash back via the bank, you protect the kids. He is NOT a good or loving father and believe me, that £15k is more use to them than he is. You say you've saved it before and can save it again? Fantastic, then they can have £30k instead of £15k. If you let him get away with this, then you're colluding in him stealing from them. Uni fees are eyewatering these days and you are also talking about a deposit on their own place to live in future.

He's spent the money on himself. It's bloody obvious from all you say that he is a cocklodger - he lives in your house, lets you keep him, steals from you and has now stolen from his own kids. This man is not actually a man at all. No decent person does this.

By the way, if you don't report this to the police the bank may try to make out you knew and wriggle out of paying that way. It isn't your money, either, once you gave it to the kids. And he could try to claim the same. Report, report, report, or your kids can kiss goodbye to a big chunk of their security.

And yes, Experion... and thank God you never married the arse.

If by some horrible messup the bank can wriggle out... you can still go after the land he shares with his brother. The ownership of his share can be transferred to your kids, if need be. But hopefully the bank will have to repay it and then go after him. Simplest all round.

By the way, you do know that if you don't do something about this, as soon as they grow up and start earning their own money he will start leeching from them and guilt-tripping them into going along with it? Because they'll have learned at your knee that what he does is okay?

He has stolen £15k from your children. He has taken his passport. If he does a runner, he is not coming back. Your children will not have a relationship with him.

There is no reason for him to have taken his passport unless he's going somewhere.

You need to call the police.

Police! Also the banking services ombudsman. Do it now, it's outrageous.

Shocking.

A question for the lawyers out there - if the Op and her mother know that the Trust has been defrauded and they don't take action to prosecute the trustee who stole the money, would they be legally regarded as complicit in the theft and hence also open to prosecution?

OP, I cannot understand why your mother would insist on you keeping quiet (unless she has signed for the withdrawals without telling you).

You want the children to continue to have a relationship with their father - do you really believe that this should be a relationship with his criminal activity swept under the carpet and hidden from his children so he gets the chance to steal from them again? Ignoring what he's done won't make it go away, and it might end up with you and your mother being held responsible for allowing the Trust to be defrauded.

I can understand why the DM here doesn't want to involve the police. If £10k or £15k is effectively loose change for her family, maybe she doesn't want the grandchildren to have a father with a criminal record for what she considers a small sum? 'It's only money'.. etc

OP you don't have your DM's money and you can't afford to share her laissez faire attitude. Just from the few things you've described you've been swindled out of at least £25k and you live a hand to mouth existence when you don't need to. You're looking at rebuilding >£10k in savings single-handed. As a lone parent, you're going to need every penny.

You may have decided that getting him out of your life is enough and you don't need to pursue him further or seek prosecution. However, there is a massive side to his behaviour that you have no clue about and which, without proper investigation and having it on record that he has committed fraud, could seriously come back to bite you.

Are you scared of him? Are you worried that, if you make a fuss about this, your DCs will one day accuse you of having hounded Dear Old Dad out of their lives? Are you anticipating getting back together?

call the police, this man has no rehard for his children and if he has left with his passport it is obvious he doesn't plan on eber ever coming back.

It's bad enough he has stolen from his own children, but this isn't a money box we are talking of, it is 15k. He needs to be punished for this, it is a criminal offence!

"would they be legally regarded as complicit in the theft and hence also open to prosecution? "

My interpretation is that the only people who could prosecute in that scenario would be the children and that is very unlikely to happen for obvious reasons.

I know someone who, together with a brother and sister, had a 1/3 share in a large amount of money held in trust after the death of their father. The brother and their mother took money from the trust over the years. When the remaining siblings (and they were adults by this stage) sued they won the case. However, the mother and brother had no assets & the costs of the lawsuit ate up the remaining money. So it was a Pyrrhic victory.

Police definitely!

He has taken his own passport but the others are still here.

OP you are aware he knows he has committed a serious criminal act here, if he is considering a flit? There's no other motive.

The bank had contacted him and warned him that we were inquiring about it.

They contacted an adult who has drained a child's account to warn him that other trustees on the account were making enquiries?! Seriously?