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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

'D'P has stolen all the DC's money

293 replies

thatwasprettylow · 09/02/2014 21:10

Namechanged for this - I'd appreciate some advice, please. I'll try not to dripfeed but it's a long story so I'll have to annotate.

Basically, DP has a long history of being utterly hopeless with money. He seems totally incapable of spending money on things like bills, and squanders it on I know not what, to the extent that I've wondered if he's got a gambling addiction or something that I don't know about. This hasn't been helped by the fact that his work over the last few years has been really erratic. We've been really struggling money-wise for a few years now.

Last week I went to the bank to pay in some money that the children were given for Christmas and DS's January birthday and was told that DS's account had been closed. I assumed that the bank had just screwed up somehow, as the DC's accounts are Trust accounts and are supposed to require 3 signatures (DP's mine and my DMum's) for any withdrawals. The woman from the bank poked about a bit and said she'd ring me back, but didn't, so I asked my DMum to pop in when she was passing and see if they had sorted it.

A few days later, last Thursday, 'D'P 'confessed' to me that he somehow linked his account online to the DS's account and has, over a period of time, drained DS's account and spent all the money (about 10k). The bank had contacted him and warned him that we were inquiring about it. I told him to leave the house and called the bank, who confirmed that he has also drained DD's account.

I can't believe he's done this - I have no idea what to say to him or to the DCs, who are still quite little (6 and 2). Apart from that, I need to sort out logistics, as DP usually does the childcare while I'm at work.

He has sent me a text saying 'please can we resolve this?', as if a quick chat will sort it out. I don't want to see him - I just don't think there's anything he can say to excuse this.

OP posts:
Ludoole · 09/02/2014 23:10

Ive been completely broke and have gone without food so my kids can eat. I have never even thought of taking money out of my childrens accounts. Its theirs not mine!!

TiredFeet · 09/02/2014 23:13

As others have said, you must report this to police whether you want to or not. As trustee of their account you have a responsibility to act

Original poster
thatwasprettylow · 09/02/2014 23:26

Sorry to disappear. Re: the police. I suggested it to Dmum as soon as we found out what had happened. She is v. anti the idea but I could report it on my own. I suppose I am still slightly unsure as to whether what DP has done is actually a crime, as his name is on the account. My stepfather says that whether or not it's illegal depends on the exact wording of the bank mandate at the time we opened the account. I haven't got hold of a copy of this yet.

The accounts wee closed as they dropped below the required minimum amount. Only DS's account was closed as it was empty and there'd been no activity for a year ( since his last birthday). DD's account was still open as I made a deposit after her birthday in June last year. I've put a stop on her account so there can be no more withdrawals. Bit late, but at least her Christmas money is safe.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/02/2014 23:33

Have I got this right ... he's done this to you all twice and your own mum's immediate reaction was against involving the police???? I'm sorry, but I genuinely find that very, very hard to understand

Whether it was a crime is for the police themselves to decide - that's what they're there for - for pity's sake, I just don't understnad what you're hesitating for????

SalvatoreGirl · 09/02/2014 23:34

Pretty sure you will get the children's money back because the bank has really messed up by allowing the money to be withdrawn without the 3 signatures.

The mandate certainly could have said "any one" to sign for withdrawals but you've already confirmed with the bank that it was all three signatures required.

The bank will have to refund the monies to you as they have messed up bigtime, they will then chase your DP for repayment and if he can't pay up they will probably involve the police and make it a criminal matter.

wetaugust · 09/02/2014 23:37

If it's a Trustees account it should not be in his sole name.

This is not making sense to me as you said when you opened it that it had to be or all Trustees to sign. They would not have opened that account in the name of Mr Thatwasprettylow alone without denoting it was Mini-Thatwasprettylow's account and a trustee account as they were a minor.

You want to start ignoring your DP and your DM and start realising that you have a legal duty to report this fraud and a moral duty to your children to do so.

Unless you are so mega-loaded that 10K is just peanuts to you..

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 09/02/2014 23:37

Why on earth are you so against going to the police? Is there a big 'face-saving' operation going on here?

IthoughtATMwasacashpoint · 09/02/2014 23:38

Yes, it is a crime. The accounts were set up requiring 3 signatures. Neither you or your mother has signed anything permitting him to transfer funds into his account. He has stolen the money by fraudulent means, so technically it's two crimes.

FreakinScaryCaaw · 09/02/2014 23:44

I'm baffled. Confused

Original poster
thatwasprettylow · 09/02/2014 23:50

No it's definitely all of us on the account and it was definitely set up so all of us had to sign.

I am most definitely not loaded, but DMum is pretty comfortable and she's already said she'd rather 'repay' the money herself than involve the police. I'll try to change her mind. I don't think I am trying to save face. I've already told a few friends, but I admit it does feel like a big deal for me to call the police on the DC's DF.

OP posts:
wetaugust · 09/02/2014 23:50

You're not the only one Confused

Sixweekstowait · 09/02/2014 23:51

Well I just can't be bothered to say much except that I can't believe op let him have his name on any account to do with her or the dc after what he'd done initially. I'm struggling to feel the slightest bit of sympathy and detect such an unwillingness to tackle the issue properly that I guess he'll be back with feet under the table before long. Seems a bit of easy come easy go here.

Squiffyagain · 09/02/2014 23:51

Fairly sure it's criminal.

If you do report it, you should not refer to his previous action of blowing the £1k car money as 'theft'. It is not the same, and treating it as the same also lessons your ability to remain disassociated from his actions. This emptying of accounts is a standalone hideous action that could not have been foreseen and therefore potentially avoided and for that reason you should not wrap up the other £1k as being related in my way. Reporting it at the same time would muddy things.

wetaugust · 09/02/2014 23:54

People like your childrens DF get away with crimes like this because people like you and your DM enable them to.

How are you going to explain away the next crime he commits against yoiur children.

You don't seem very maternal to me - sticking up for the criminal rather than you own children.

That's a very strange outlook on life. I think you should seek help to identify when relationship boundaries are crossed as you obviously have difficulty with this.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 09/02/2014 23:59

Well if you aren't trying to save face then your Mum definitely is!

Where are you, Channel Islands? Somewhere isolated like that and step-father solicitor is a local 'pillar of the community' and this would all be rather embarrassing? Your Mum would rather let your P slope off into the ether and quietly replace the money than have people saying 'oh did you hear her daughter's boyfriend stole all that money' gossip gossip gossip.

Am I very far off the mark?

I genuinely do not see why you need to 'try to change her mind'. You are a grown woman, it is your children's money we are talking about. What is she going to do?

Original poster
thatwasprettylow · 10/02/2014 00:02

Wow, ok.

I am actually trying to take the perspective that yes, it was seriously shitty, but it is money, I saved it for them before and I can do it again. To do the best for the DC it seems more important that they are able to maintain some kind of a relationship with their DF, even though I have no interest in a relationship with him any longer. It's not their fault he's a total prat.

OP posts:
RubyGoat · 10/02/2014 00:03

Sorry you're going through this. My dad did the same with mine & my sister's savings, I found out in my teens.

I really hope the bank make this right, they have messed up massively in letting him withdraw the money. As for your 'D'P, it sounds rather like he's planning to do a runner - I can't understand why your DM is trying to protect him.

wetaugust · 10/02/2014 00:03

Oh - just grow up and grow some.

Mellowandfruitful · 10/02/2014 00:03

It feels like a big deal to report your children's father to the police? What, more of a big deal than him stealing from you, stealing from them, lying far and wide about it and now possibly leaving the country to get away from everything he's done? I think calling the police is perfectly in proportion with all those things.

If someone had come into your house and burgled it to the tune of 10K, or had stolen your credit card and run up 10K of debt on it, would you be saying 'Oh, doesn't seem like any point in reporting it, we won't get it back anyway'? Don't be fooled. He is as bad as any lowlife burglar and fraudster off the street - in fact he is far, far worse, because he has done this to people he is is supposed to love and care for. You owe him absolutely nothing. The DC will be better served by honestly than this.

As for your mum not wanting to report it - you have said already that you live in a small place, and that people at the bank knew your husband. This will get out at some point. People will talk. So if you don't want to be known now as the person who had to call the police because her husband stole from her and the kids, that's all very well, but at some point you are going to be known as the woman whose husband stole from her and the kids, but didn't call the police and let him get away with it. Which would you prefer?

Mellowandfruitful · 10/02/2014 00:05

I don't think it is going to help them in the long run at all to have a relationship with a father who steals from them and sees them going without things while he spends their money on himself. What good is that to them? And it is worse not to tell them that and to let them think he is someone they can trust, when he isn't and never will be.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 10/02/2014 00:07

So you hide it from them, replace the money and nothing is said. And they have a relationship with him.

How will you feel if further down the line he takes advantage of them financially?

One of my extended family members got thousands out of various people in the family. All asked for and given, although always under duress of - she was about to lose her home, she needed X for the DCs - blah, blah. And all sworn to secrecy and covered up because that was easier than rocking the boat.
Eventually it all came out that she had been spinning the same yarns to 2-3 people at a time - all bullshit, she must have taken £50k over the years.

I have seen first hand the damage that lying to save face can do, when you think 'it is only money'. Because it isn't only money, it is trust and a whole load of other things too.

Original poster
thatwasprettylow · 10/02/2014 00:08

Thanks all, but have to go to bed now or I'll never be able to get up in time to get everyone to school/work tomorrow.

OP posts:
Preciousbane · 10/02/2014 00:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummylin2495 · 10/02/2014 00:14

I don't think this Op is going to take any of your good advice.i can't really see the point in posting here

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 10/02/2014 00:14

No, he isn't a 'prat' - he IS a criminal.

And he isn't really much of a 'dear' father, is he? He's stolen from them. Their nest eggs. Their future. That's how 'dear' they are to him.

You're getting this wrong - and it's too big to get wrong. What he's done has shown that they may need a relationship with him, but they also need to be protected from him. He is prepared to steal from them FGS - yes, if you are acting and thinking in their best interests then you will go to the police and be happy if he is charged...because it is probably the best way of stopping him in his tracks, and NOT having your DD/DS come to you in 15 years time in floods of tears telling you that actually their dad has been manipulating them to hand over money/goods, and they've had enough and are cutting contact.

He isn't a good dad, so make sure you do everything to make sure what dad he can be is bolted right down, every step of the way, with your DC protected. That way, what they can get from a relationship with him can be nurtured for what it can provide.