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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

SIL has just left and I can't stop crying (warning upseting)

243 replies

helpcantstopcrying · 08/02/2014 22:08

Namechanged for this
Okay so SIL (DHs older sister) has always been hard to get along with. She has 3 lovely DCs but she is very negative about them and went they were younger they pretty much lived at the PILs house. But she seems to think she is the greatest mum in the world and nobody can compete with her.
She was also best friends with DHs ex-wife who left DH with their 2 DCs and rarely sees the DCs now and changes her number frequently and doesn't tell us or just doesn't bother answering. We think SIL is still in contact with her but when we ask she just laughs and says she won't say either way.

Everything I do isn't good enough, anything the DCs do hers have done something better. Anything I do is wrong and ex-wife did it better. We have limited contact with her to just family occasions for PILs who agree that she can be bitchy but ask us all to be civil when we have to be together.

So tonight DH is in work and the DCs have gone to PILs for a sleepover. SIL appeared at the door sobbing asking to talk to DH. When I said he isn't in she said she wanted to come in anyway. She was in tears in the rain in just a t-shirt and jeans, I thought something awful must have happened so I let her in made her some tea and got some blankets for her.

So half an hour later she had stopped crying and had taken control of the tv gotten some chocolate out her bag and kept laughing if I tried to talk to her. I gave up and just sat there watching her watch the tv.

Then her program finished and she asked me were the DCs were I said PILs house and she spent ages ranting about me taking advantage of the PILs (the DCs stay over there every 6 months or so at their request) I just nodded and explained that the PILs had asked them to come over. She wouldn't listen and kept saying I was a crap mum and ex-wife wouldn't abandon the DCs like that.
In the end I snapped and pointed out that ex-wife had abandoned the DCs therefore I am a better mum than her.
SIL started shouting that I was a witch who had made her brother into a crap dad. I said we were both good parents and she needed to leave now.

She ran into the dining room to the locked glass cupboard were my dad's ashes and some of his things are kept. The glass cupboard was built specially to store my dad's things away from the DCs because in his will he asked to be 'let go' on a certain day in the summer. He died in November so obviously this day hasn't been yet.
Anyway she smashed the cupboard with a small statue on my windowsill before I could catch her I grabbed her and I was begging her to just go. She hit me repeatedly in the face and in the end I let go she got into the cupboard and she chucked my dad's things everywhere and spat inside the jar holding my dad's ashes.

I am not proud of this but I lost it and I dragged her by her hair out of my house and chucked her out of the door telling her I hoped she died because no-one would care. She said that she prefered ex-wife to me I would never compare and everyone would be happier if I just killed myself.

I have closed the door she has gone and I have called DH and told him he has to come home but I haven't told him why.
The worst part is I have let my poor dad down and I can never make it right, some of his things are broken beyond repair and I must be the worst daughter in the world.

OP posts:
helpcantstopcrying · 08/02/2014 22:55

I haven't cleaned anything up mostly because it just males me even more upset and angry just looking at it. I won't tidy anything till DH comes home and we have sorted out what to do.

OP posts:
Quinteszilla · 08/02/2014 22:56

Take pictures on your phone.

NaturalBaby · 08/02/2014 22:56

What will happen if you don't take this further? This will be the start of worse behaviour. She needs a wake up call.

EverythingIsTicketyBoo · 08/02/2014 22:57

If she is on drugs you must call the police, she may be a danger to someone else, or indeed herself! Please please call the police. I hope your DH gets there soon. X

AcrossthePond55 · 08/02/2014 22:58

Be sure you take pictures of any physical injuries you have. Take pictures or video of all damage done to your home and possessions. Hopefully you have already called your PIL, but if not you should do so. They need to be able to make decisions if SIL shows up at their home. If they do not agree to bar the door against her, you should tell them that you do NOT want your DCs anywhere near her and that they should be brought home.

I agree that you should call the police. And if possible, you should get a restraining order.

I hope your DH is home by now.

IMHO, she's either had a psychotic break or was under the influence of some drug. Either way, she's toxic and needs to be kept away.

And you haven't let your dear Dad down at all. He knows that what happened was beyond your control.

helpcantstopcrying · 08/02/2014 22:58

I told them she had damaged some important things but I didn't tell them how bad it was because I was talking to MIL and she already has anxiety. I will get DH to tell FIL tomorrow so he can sit her down properly and prepare her for it more.

OP posts:
TessTing · 08/02/2014 22:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Inertia · 08/02/2014 23:00

When you speak to the police and your DH you need to make it clear how frightened you were rather than how angry you feel.

It may be that the police need to take your SIL into custody for her own protection if she is having some kind of drug-triggered breakdown- she may need medical help.

Ruprekt · 08/02/2014 23:00

She sounds deranged and possibly on drugs! HmmHmm

Bornin1984 · 08/02/2014 23:00

Wine For u op-
Sorry I can't add
More x

YellowTulips · 08/02/2014 23:02

You have done well. You have told your PIL's to keep your kids safe which is the priority.

Next take pictures. You can't allow anyone to minimise this at a later date.

Then think about calling the police. I would do this anyway, but I appreciate it's something you may want to speak to DH about.

Inertia · 08/02/2014 23:03

PS don't drink real wine before the police come round! (Bornin's virtual wine is ok obvs).

BuildUpMyFence · 08/02/2014 23:07

She has chosen to take street drugs, what is going on with this Woman?

MrsDeVere · 08/02/2014 23:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Quinteszilla · 08/02/2014 23:10

There is something really pathetic about a woman in her fourties who leave her children with different men to go out and take drugs with her friends.

YellowTulips · 08/02/2014 23:12

Well said Quint....

MoominIsGoingToBeAMumWaitWHAT · 08/02/2014 23:14

Call the police.

You haven't let your dad down at all, please don't think that at all Sad what she has done is on her shoulders and hers alone.

She can't take away the memories of your dad.
She can't make him stop being proud of you.
She can't stop you being able to scatter his ashes the way he wanted still.

Those are the things you have that she can't possibly take away from you, and those are the things you need to focus on now lovely xx

expatinscotland · 08/02/2014 23:14

FGS, ring the police!

FunkyBoldRibena · 08/02/2014 23:18

If you don't call the police now, she could well get in there first. Do it, before you do anything else, take photos of your own face and injuries, as well as the mess, from different angles. Do not tidy anything up.

What a nightmare.

NaturalBaby · 08/02/2014 23:18

She's taken drugs, assaulted you and damaged your property. You wouldn't let a stranger get away with treating you like that.

ohfourfoxache · 08/02/2014 23:21

As well as photos of the damage take photos of your injuries -both now and when bruising develops

ohfourfoxache · 08/02/2014 23:23

Ok, it's over an hour since this happened. DH isn't home, seriously, call the police now. Please.

TessTing · 08/02/2014 23:23

Maybe DH or PILs should try to call her and track her down. If it is drugs or a psychotic episode that has caused her to behave like this, then she might be a danger to herself or to others. Then PLEASE call the police and report her before she has a chance to turn the tables on you.

thecatfromjapan · 08/02/2014 23:24

Why does she tell her parents she's off for a night of taking drugs?

Is it me, or is that a bit odd?

(I know it's a small thing, but it does make the whole thing sound odd from top to bottom.)

How much did pil look after the children? Why?

Is your dh OK about her being around his children?

Are you all in denial about something quite big ?

If it was me, I wouldn't necessarily involve the police. However, I would be asking not to have any contact with her any more.

tribpot · 08/02/2014 23:26

Yes, please call the police before she does. You know she won't be thinking 'oh but what about her children'.

Where on earth is your DH? You've been attacked in your own home and your dad's remains have been vandalised. He needs to be there.