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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

SIL has just left and I can't stop crying (warning upseting)

243 replies

helpcantstopcrying · 08/02/2014 22:08

Namechanged for this
Okay so SIL (DHs older sister) has always been hard to get along with. She has 3 lovely DCs but she is very negative about them and went they were younger they pretty much lived at the PILs house. But she seems to think she is the greatest mum in the world and nobody can compete with her.
She was also best friends with DHs ex-wife who left DH with their 2 DCs and rarely sees the DCs now and changes her number frequently and doesn't tell us or just doesn't bother answering. We think SIL is still in contact with her but when we ask she just laughs and says she won't say either way.

Everything I do isn't good enough, anything the DCs do hers have done something better. Anything I do is wrong and ex-wife did it better. We have limited contact with her to just family occasions for PILs who agree that she can be bitchy but ask us all to be civil when we have to be together.

So tonight DH is in work and the DCs have gone to PILs for a sleepover. SIL appeared at the door sobbing asking to talk to DH. When I said he isn't in she said she wanted to come in anyway. She was in tears in the rain in just a t-shirt and jeans, I thought something awful must have happened so I let her in made her some tea and got some blankets for her.

So half an hour later she had stopped crying and had taken control of the tv gotten some chocolate out her bag and kept laughing if I tried to talk to her. I gave up and just sat there watching her watch the tv.

Then her program finished and she asked me were the DCs were I said PILs house and she spent ages ranting about me taking advantage of the PILs (the DCs stay over there every 6 months or so at their request) I just nodded and explained that the PILs had asked them to come over. She wouldn't listen and kept saying I was a crap mum and ex-wife wouldn't abandon the DCs like that.
In the end I snapped and pointed out that ex-wife had abandoned the DCs therefore I am a better mum than her.
SIL started shouting that I was a witch who had made her brother into a crap dad. I said we were both good parents and she needed to leave now.

She ran into the dining room to the locked glass cupboard were my dad's ashes and some of his things are kept. The glass cupboard was built specially to store my dad's things away from the DCs because in his will he asked to be 'let go' on a certain day in the summer. He died in November so obviously this day hasn't been yet.
Anyway she smashed the cupboard with a small statue on my windowsill before I could catch her I grabbed her and I was begging her to just go. She hit me repeatedly in the face and in the end I let go she got into the cupboard and she chucked my dad's things everywhere and spat inside the jar holding my dad's ashes.

I am not proud of this but I lost it and I dragged her by her hair out of my house and chucked her out of the door telling her I hoped she died because no-one would care. She said that she prefered ex-wife to me I would never compare and everyone would be happier if I just killed myself.

I have closed the door she has gone and I have called DH and told him he has to come home but I haven't told him why.
The worst part is I have let my poor dad down and I can never make it right, some of his things are broken beyond repair and I must be the worst daughter in the world.

OP posts:
helpcantstopcrying · 12/02/2014 21:59

Thank you for your continued support it means a lot to me.

Things are slowly being looked into but we have had storms around here so they are very busy. However SIL is probably going to get the help she needs.
My DH has been great taking care of me and the DCs and I have arranged to have my dads ashes re-blessed at some point in the future.

OP posts:
SeaSaltCrisps · 12/02/2014 22:25

I am glad to hear your getting your Dad's ashes re-blessed and that you and the dc are being taken care of.

Was it drugs or is your SIL unwell?

What a dreadful time for all of your family, I hope it gets better soon.

RustyParker · 12/02/2014 23:00

I'm so pleased your Dad's ashes are going to be re-blessed. Your Dad would be proud of you for getting that woman out of your house.

Glad to hear the police are taking this seriously. I'm truly shocked that a person could behave so viciously towards the ashes of someone's loved one. It does sound as though SIL has terrible (mh?) problems but I do think some things are just unforgivable but I hope she accepts the help.

ohfourfoxache · 12/02/2014 23:05

Oh that's so lovely that they are going to be re-blessed.

How are you doing? How is the bruising?

Any progress from the police? X

helpcantstopcrying · 13/02/2014 07:23

SIL was on drugs but has admitted that she has a problem and needs help.

I am okay it's easier when the DCs are here because they take my mind off it all. The bruising was pretty bad until yesterday but it does seem to have gone down recently.

OP posts:
yegodsandlittlefishes · 13/02/2014 07:33

Good. Hope your SIL sticks at it to get the ongoing help she needs and works at changing her behaviour longterm and sees it through. It won't be easy for her, and she'll have to stick at it.

Hope you're feeling alright in yourself, OP.

cjel · 13/02/2014 08:46

Good to hear from you, glad bruising is going down. have you thought of going to see someone to help you through it -a counsellor or victim support?

Do you have half term soon so the dcs will be around more?

ohfourfoxache · 13/02/2014 10:13

Thank fuck she's admitted she has a problem and is getting help for it. It's no excuse for what she's done, it was still an utterly abhorrent thing to do and unforgivable, but hopefully if she is getting help then it will reduce the chance of her giving your further problems.

Glad the bruising is going down, sounds bloody painful Sad

Meerka · 13/02/2014 19:03

glad to hear you're coping OP and that you're getting your father's ashes re-blessed. Hope your sister in law gets the help she needs, specially for the sake of her own children. Hope your mother in law is coping too ... its got to be hard for her as well

helpcantstopcrying · 13/02/2014 19:54

Yes half term is coming soon and I am sure the DCs will keep me busy.
The bruising looks worse than it actually is so it's okay.
SILs DCs are staying with their dads indefinitely at this point which is probably really confusing for them and I do really feel for them.

We are all trying to support my MIL and she seems to be dealing with it all better than we thought she would but are keeping an eye on her anyway.

I am okay,though I still feel awful about it all sometimes. My DH has been really understanding which has been great.

OP posts:
Meerka · 13/02/2014 20:06

ye, deeply shocking. take it easy ...

ohfourfoxache · 13/02/2014 20:55

Help why on earth do you feel awful? None of this is your fault, at all.

This is your sil's doing. You welcomed her in, looked after her, we're worried about her being upset and, well, look what happened.

It sounds like you and DH make a pretty brilliant team Thanks

tribpot · 13/02/2014 21:06

I don't think it's your job, as the victim of a particularly distressing assault, to be trying to support your MIL through all this, OP. I understand why you don't want to run around shouting "what about me, me, me?" but don't feel you have to brush either your physical or emotional injuries under the carpet.

You matter too. Whatever the reason for your SIL's assault, you are entitled to your feelings.

I hope you're feeling better soon, and that this is your SIL's rock bottom so that she can turn her life around and make amends.

AcrossthePond55 · 16/02/2014 03:22

Glad to know you are feeling better OP. And glad that SIL is getting the help she obviously needs.

It sounds as if you have wonderfully supportive family around you.

mathanxiety · 16/02/2014 04:34

What a terrible thing to have someone do to you. Not just the verbal attack but then the violence and the unspeakable disrespect for your father's remains. No doubt you are really shaken. Flowers

Please make sure you get plenty of rest and TLC even though your MIL seems to have somehow managed to made this all about her.

Biggordie · 16/02/2014 05:14

You have to cut her out of your life. How can you ever forgive that. Psycho, if you ask me.

Hawkmoth · 16/02/2014 05:31

Gordie, unhelpful and offensive. RTFT.

dramajustfollowsme · 16/02/2014 06:07

Glad the bruising is going down. Remember to take care of you whilst you are watching out for MiL. This happened to you, not her.
I hope she does stick to getting help. It won't be easy.

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