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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

SIL has just left and I can't stop crying (warning upseting)

243 replies

helpcantstopcrying · 08/02/2014 22:08

Namechanged for this
Okay so SIL (DHs older sister) has always been hard to get along with. She has 3 lovely DCs but she is very negative about them and went they were younger they pretty much lived at the PILs house. But she seems to think she is the greatest mum in the world and nobody can compete with her.
She was also best friends with DHs ex-wife who left DH with their 2 DCs and rarely sees the DCs now and changes her number frequently and doesn't tell us or just doesn't bother answering. We think SIL is still in contact with her but when we ask she just laughs and says she won't say either way.

Everything I do isn't good enough, anything the DCs do hers have done something better. Anything I do is wrong and ex-wife did it better. We have limited contact with her to just family occasions for PILs who agree that she can be bitchy but ask us all to be civil when we have to be together.

So tonight DH is in work and the DCs have gone to PILs for a sleepover. SIL appeared at the door sobbing asking to talk to DH. When I said he isn't in she said she wanted to come in anyway. She was in tears in the rain in just a t-shirt and jeans, I thought something awful must have happened so I let her in made her some tea and got some blankets for her.

So half an hour later she had stopped crying and had taken control of the tv gotten some chocolate out her bag and kept laughing if I tried to talk to her. I gave up and just sat there watching her watch the tv.

Then her program finished and she asked me were the DCs were I said PILs house and she spent ages ranting about me taking advantage of the PILs (the DCs stay over there every 6 months or so at their request) I just nodded and explained that the PILs had asked them to come over. She wouldn't listen and kept saying I was a crap mum and ex-wife wouldn't abandon the DCs like that.
In the end I snapped and pointed out that ex-wife had abandoned the DCs therefore I am a better mum than her.
SIL started shouting that I was a witch who had made her brother into a crap dad. I said we were both good parents and she needed to leave now.

She ran into the dining room to the locked glass cupboard were my dad's ashes and some of his things are kept. The glass cupboard was built specially to store my dad's things away from the DCs because in his will he asked to be 'let go' on a certain day in the summer. He died in November so obviously this day hasn't been yet.
Anyway she smashed the cupboard with a small statue on my windowsill before I could catch her I grabbed her and I was begging her to just go. She hit me repeatedly in the face and in the end I let go she got into the cupboard and she chucked my dad's things everywhere and spat inside the jar holding my dad's ashes.

I am not proud of this but I lost it and I dragged her by her hair out of my house and chucked her out of the door telling her I hoped she died because no-one would care. She said that she prefered ex-wife to me I would never compare and everyone would be happier if I just killed myself.

I have closed the door she has gone and I have called DH and told him he has to come home but I haven't told him why.
The worst part is I have let my poor dad down and I can never make it right, some of his things are broken beyond repair and I must be the worst daughter in the world.

OP posts:
YellowTulips · 08/02/2014 22:35

None of this is your fault and you have not let anyone down.

I hope your DH is with you now.

I think (as others have said) that you should contact the police. However if you feel unable to do this I would seriously consider going to a solicitor and getting a restraining order. Her behaviour was appalling.

Take pictures of the damage for evidence.

Finally be kind to yourself. Your father would only be cross if you didn't protect yourself from this awful woman going forwards. Thanks

Kahlua4me · 08/02/2014 22:36

I don't think you would get into trouble for what you did to her, it was done in self defence and protection of your property.

Hope your dh gets home soon.

DietofWorms · 08/02/2014 22:36

Self defence is a defence but retaliation isn't. Even if OP doesn't get prosecuted she may be arrested and questioned, and does she really need that shit?

Inertia · 08/02/2014 22:36

I think you probably do need to call the police, for a number of reasons.

-She has launched an unprovoked violent attack on you; it's possible she's like this with her children.

  • She sounds spiteful enough to go to the police herself and make a claim that you assaulted her first.

I'm not sure how the self-defence claim would work if the circumstances are exactly as you have described above- was she still hitting you or did you feel as though you were still in danger when you pushed her from the house? Did you take the opportunity while she momentarily stopped hitting you to try to get her out? You might want to look into whether you are able to access legal advice (eg via your household insurance) as a matter of urgency.

I'm sorry about what happened to your dad's things- that's heartbreaking.

BrianTheMole · 08/02/2014 22:36

I don't agree diet. Don't forget sil punched her repeatedly in the face first. And op was trying to protect what she had left of her dad by dragging her out. Extreme provocation here. Where would it have ended if op hadn't got her out? I still say call the police.

ohfourfoxache · 08/02/2014 22:38

Perhaps not, but the sil deserves all the shit that can be thrown at her

Hunnyangel80 · 08/02/2014 22:38

(((((Hugs))))) I hope u r ok, what an evil evil witch she is. Defo ring pils tell them ring police show them damage incase she tries to bring a charge of assault against u. Ur dad would not blame u for this xx

BrianTheMole · 08/02/2014 22:38

Its not retaliation in the same way. Its not pre meditated or planned. Its an immediate reaction to the circumstances.

Iworrymyselftosleep · 08/02/2014 22:38

Police.

I'm sorry for your loss. You haven't done anything wrong at all for your dad. Read that bit again. You haven't wrecked anything. You haven't failed.

I hope DP comes home and is helpful.

MisForMumNotMaid · 08/02/2014 22:38

My BIL used to have psychotic episodes. It only got worse.

We rang the police, never regretted it.

He got offered help but was then on their radar.

The police took out restraining orders so he couldn't approach us or come to our home. We are now no contact.

Please call the police. Let them decide how to deal with the facts you present. What has happened is so wrong. Your SIL needs a reality check either with mental health referral, drugs help or just a visit from uniform to wake her up to her behaviour.

CuttingOutTheCrap · 08/02/2014 22:39

Call the police.

TidyDancer · 08/02/2014 22:40

Definitely police, what a fucking unhinged bitch that woman is.

I'm sorry you've been put through this tonight. I'm sure your dad would never blame you for anything. x

justshabby · 08/02/2014 22:43

So sorry, OP. Definitely ring the police. Get it all logged in case she tries to turn it around on you.

RubyrooUK · 08/02/2014 22:44

So sorry this has happened to you. I'm not sure on the best course of action but you have not let your dad down at all. In fact, it sounds like you have done very well in your life and are a very kind person - that's the sort of thing your dad would be proud of, surely? All the best. X

Inertia · 08/02/2014 22:44

If the OP threw SIL out of the house as retaliation for breaking the cupboard and damaging everything inside it, then it probably wouldn't be viewed as self-defence. However, if the OP had been repeatedly hit in the head/ face and observed her SIL deliberately using heavy objects to break glass, then it may be that the OP feared that SIL was going to come at her with the broken glass next and tried to get her out while she still had the chance.

Please don't clear anything up or move it OP, you need to take photos and allow the police the opportunity to take photos.

Xfirefly · 08/02/2014 22:45

what justshabby said. she sounds the type to make herself look like the victim. I really do hope you call the police and PIL.

Hopefully DH will be home soon.

Thanks
ohfourfoxache · 08/02/2014 22:45

Are you there Help?

EverythingIsTicketyBoo · 08/02/2014 22:47

I agree with everyone else, please call the police. You said you were hesitant because she has children, I can't believe this woman is a mother, he's behaviour is a disgrace!!

On another note, I also lost my dad, and have a few of his things here and would be devastated if anything happened to them, however what has happened to you was completely out of your control, your dad would rather you be safe than see you worry about a few possessions. Also, could it be possible with a crime number you could claim some repairs on insurance?

Good luck, be kind to yourself

starlight1234 · 08/02/2014 22:47

Hope husband is home soon..Do not clear anything up till you decide what to do..Glad you are ensuring your kids are safe...

I am sorry for your loss and sounds like your Dad would of been very proud of you

Sharaluck · 08/02/2014 22:48

Shock ring the police, they need to be told as this sounds extreme. Sounds drug related to me, possibly mental health issue. Her children (and the rest of the public) need protecting.

You have proof of self defense as your property was damaged.

Quinteszilla · 08/02/2014 22:49

I hope the husband is the kind of bloke who will put his wife first rather than play a game of "keeping up appearances".

Quinteszilla · 08/02/2014 22:50

Did she say where her own children were?

dramajustfollowsme · 08/02/2014 22:51

I hope you have phoned your PiLs to ensure your kids are safe.
Don't tidy anything up. You need to phone the police. She could just as easily turn on her children too. Yes, you dragged her by the hair but she had repeatedly hit you in the face and smashed up your belongings.
You have not let your dad down. You followed his wishes. This is not your fault. He would just be glad that you are ok.

helpcantstopcrying · 08/02/2014 22:52

DH should be home soon. I have told PILs that she is having a breakdown and they must not let her near my DCs. They said they saw her earlier today and she said something about going out tonight and taking drugs her friend had bought. PILs told her not too, I don't know if she had or not I can't remember.
Luckily her youngest two will be with their dad and the eldest will be at her boyfriends so I don't think they will have to see her.
She is 41

OP posts:
Quinteszilla · 08/02/2014 22:54

Did you tell them what she has done?