Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

SIL has just left and I can't stop crying (warning upseting)

243 replies

helpcantstopcrying · 08/02/2014 22:08

Namechanged for this
Okay so SIL (DHs older sister) has always been hard to get along with. She has 3 lovely DCs but she is very negative about them and went they were younger they pretty much lived at the PILs house. But she seems to think she is the greatest mum in the world and nobody can compete with her.
She was also best friends with DHs ex-wife who left DH with their 2 DCs and rarely sees the DCs now and changes her number frequently and doesn't tell us or just doesn't bother answering. We think SIL is still in contact with her but when we ask she just laughs and says she won't say either way.

Everything I do isn't good enough, anything the DCs do hers have done something better. Anything I do is wrong and ex-wife did it better. We have limited contact with her to just family occasions for PILs who agree that she can be bitchy but ask us all to be civil when we have to be together.

So tonight DH is in work and the DCs have gone to PILs for a sleepover. SIL appeared at the door sobbing asking to talk to DH. When I said he isn't in she said she wanted to come in anyway. She was in tears in the rain in just a t-shirt and jeans, I thought something awful must have happened so I let her in made her some tea and got some blankets for her.

So half an hour later she had stopped crying and had taken control of the tv gotten some chocolate out her bag and kept laughing if I tried to talk to her. I gave up and just sat there watching her watch the tv.

Then her program finished and she asked me were the DCs were I said PILs house and she spent ages ranting about me taking advantage of the PILs (the DCs stay over there every 6 months or so at their request) I just nodded and explained that the PILs had asked them to come over. She wouldn't listen and kept saying I was a crap mum and ex-wife wouldn't abandon the DCs like that.
In the end I snapped and pointed out that ex-wife had abandoned the DCs therefore I am a better mum than her.
SIL started shouting that I was a witch who had made her brother into a crap dad. I said we were both good parents and she needed to leave now.

She ran into the dining room to the locked glass cupboard were my dad's ashes and some of his things are kept. The glass cupboard was built specially to store my dad's things away from the DCs because in his will he asked to be 'let go' on a certain day in the summer. He died in November so obviously this day hasn't been yet.
Anyway she smashed the cupboard with a small statue on my windowsill before I could catch her I grabbed her and I was begging her to just go. She hit me repeatedly in the face and in the end I let go she got into the cupboard and she chucked my dad's things everywhere and spat inside the jar holding my dad's ashes.

I am not proud of this but I lost it and I dragged her by her hair out of my house and chucked her out of the door telling her I hoped she died because no-one would care. She said that she prefered ex-wife to me I would never compare and everyone would be happier if I just killed myself.

I have closed the door she has gone and I have called DH and told him he has to come home but I haven't told him why.
The worst part is I have let my poor dad down and I can never make it right, some of his things are broken beyond repair and I must be the worst daughter in the world.

OP posts:
LilRedWG · 10/02/2014 11:17

You have done nothing to disrespect your Dad - hold onto that thought. Take care.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 10/02/2014 11:38

Oh OP what happened to you is truly shocking. Are you badly hurt? I'm so glad your dh is taking time off to look after you.

I cannot believe another human would do that to your dads ashes - well I can obviously, but it's shocking beyond belief. It's so unthinkable and almost animal. Nothing makes you do stuff like that if you don't already have the capacity to be that disgusting and cruel. it's horrible and I'm so sorry Flowers

Did you have a funeral? I'm sure a vicar/ priest/ anyone in that kind of position would come round and bless his ashes again, and also your cupboard that you got made for him. It's sacrilege what she's done.

I won't speculate on whether she's mentally ill, a bad person, or both. But I will say, please don't focus on her at all for the moment, but on you, as you need to put all your energies and care into yourself and what you need. You've been through something awful.

Your posts when you were blaming yourself for your dads things being ruined - they made my heart weep for you. Please know its not your fault. At all. Xxx

VivaLeBeaver · 10/02/2014 11:40

Sounds like the police are taking it seriously which is good.

SoleSource · 10/02/2014 14:57

Thank God you have a fantastic DH :)

I have never read anything so horrific on Mumsnet. She spat in your Father's ashes. what an utter cunt. I'm angry on your behalf.

You have both done the right thing and I hope you never ever have anything to do with her ever again.

I hope you both move on quickly from this and I wish you both a happy future together.

Thanks
SoleSource · 10/02/2014 14:59

I think you Dear Dad would be ever so proud of you both. Not your fault whatsoever! x :)

Lambzig · 10/02/2014 16:09

What a shocking thing to happen to you. Just wanted to say that I think you were very brave, your dad would be very proud of you and very pleased with your choice of husband. I hope you are ok.

satsumasunrise · 10/02/2014 17:29

You poor love.

You would like to think there's an ounce of decency in everyone but it seems not.

It's beyond comprehension how she can be so cruel.

I hope you tell everybody you know what she has done, she deserves to be treated with contempt, it's truly despicable.

Mouseface · 10/02/2014 22:26
Shock

OMG.

I'm so shocked and shaken to read what you have been through help You have been treated dreadfully Sad

What an absolutely awful turn of events.....

I lost close relatives and to think that someone could do that to their ashes would completely destroy me, I wouldn't be able to function, let alone post on here to rally support.........

I'm so glad that you did though, you must be so very lost and upset, I really can not believe all that you have been through with your SIL.

YOU MUST NOT BLAME YOURSELF.

You are the injured party here.......so very sad and twisted.

I'm gutted for you and hope that she, your SIL gets all that she deserves given that the police are involved.

McPheezingMyButtOff · 10/02/2014 22:34

For what reason would the police take DNA? And of who? Surely they'd be looking for fingerprints.

pluCaChange · 10/02/2014 22:45

McPheezing, the DNA would be in the ashes, where SIL spat. Her DNA has no business bring in the ashes if someone she's not related to, so would offer corroboration of the story.

pluCaChange · 10/02/2014 22:46

bEIng in the ashes. Sorry!

confuddledDOTcom · 10/02/2014 22:55

They'd also need to rule out that OP had spat in the ashes herself which is why they'd need her DNA.

I'm glad things are being taken seriously. I hope you're feeling a little better now things are getting somewhere.

YellowTulips · 10/02/2014 23:00

Thanks for the update Husband of OP (do we need a new acronym for this MN's HoOP???).

You sound lovely and I am so glad your wife has been supported.

It's obviously a very tense family situation and not easy for you either wrt your sisters behaviour.

Best of wishes to you both Thanks

cjel · 10/02/2014 23:32

OP, I am so pleased you are feeling able to cope, I only just read this and wanted to say ring police first as this happened to a friend of mine and because her attacker phoned them first they couldn't look into her complaint and she was treated as the attacker.
Your DH sounds lovely and I'm glad he will be around with you to support you this week. Use all the support you can, don't feel silly if you need someone with you for a whileFlowersFlowersFlowers

confuddledDOTcom · 11/02/2014 15:05

cjel, that doesn't sound right Confused people are told that the person they're complaining about has also put in a complaint. Maybe it was to do with the particular circumstances or they were trying it on. I'm not in a job that I know anything about it but I do know of people having a counter claim when they've been attacked.

cjel · 11/02/2014 18:50

I know we couldn't believe it< she had to wait for them to investigate the first complainant before they would look at hers.

Joysmum · 11/02/2014 19:00

So glad you have a DH who understands how hard this is for you. I wish you both all the best to get through this. Neither of you are going to find this easy and I hope you can continue to support one another through this. I can only imagine how he must be feeling too as it's his sister and the whole family will be rocked by it and needing to vent and have support too.

DCRbye · 11/02/2014 20:31

My heart goes out to you op reading this story. You have a lovely husband.

Thewhingingdefective · 11/02/2014 20:40

I'd have dragged her out by her hair too. What a vile excuse of a woman she sounds. You should have called the police.

Liara · 11/02/2014 20:49

OP, I just wanted to extend my sympathy. Even without the SIL drama, I felt it in a very small way after my dad died.

When he died very suddenly, all he owned was a very small apartment where he worked. It was fairly old and crummy, but it had a beautiful little garden jam packed full of plants which my father had tended carefully for over 30 years.

Some time after his death, the probate was being sorted. I asked my mum about the garden (I lived abroad). She said it was looking much better, they had put down some lawn.

'Lawn?' I asked. There was no room for lawn, there was only a narrow terrace and the rest was full of plants. She then told me that she had hired a gardener to deal with it who had ripped up ever single plant apart from the few established trees, including a beautiful climbing jasmine that I used to wake up to the smell of outside the window when I slept there.

I cried non stop for 3 hours. I was inconsolable. It was like the last link I had to my father had been severed because of someone's thoughtlessness and I could not get over it. I felt horribly guilty that I lived abroad and hadn't been around to do the gardening myself.

So when you said about wanting to do the things for your father just right, my heart went out to you. I totally understand the way you feel.

Don't let the drama over your SIL stop you from going through your grief and bereavement in the way you need, despite her best attempts to deflect all the attention onto herself at what is a difficult time for you.

Take care of yourself. I'm glad your husband sounds so lovely, mine was probably the reason I made it through the time of my dad's death in one piece.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 11/02/2014 23:05

Hello there. Just popping back to say am thinking of you and I am wishing you well.

It absolutely doesn't matter if you update or don't update on here as its not exactly important (! Understatement!) ... But if you look back here, I hope it will help just a tiny bit that people care and are thinking of you x

stooshe · 11/02/2014 23:10

OP,delurking here. Stay strong. Your SIL has no behaviour whatsoever. Your father is not looking down on you with scorn. You have done yourself proud in very trying circumstances.
I've seen/heard some real doo doo in my life But this is in my top five. You did well not to do her some more damage than you did.
Glad that you have a supportive husband. It's good to have people who deal in "what is right" instead of "who is right" around you. Your SIL desecrating your father's remains is definitely wrong and I'm glad that your husband never hitched in displaying his loyalty to you.
Take care.

Pimpf · 11/02/2014 23:17

How terrible for the both of you.

Please don't feel you've let your dad down, you haven't at all, she sounds like a nasty bitch

McPheezingMyButtOff · 12/02/2014 13:33

Did anything actually come of the police getting involved then? Has the DNA come back yet?

yegodsandlittlefishes · 12/02/2014 13:49

OP it is a horrible shock to be punched in the face by a relative, and it sounds as though she must have really hurt/harmed you. It is not your fault, you can have done nothing at all to deservevany of her cruel and dispicable treatment/behaviour. You are a lovely mum and wife and DIL. xx

Swipe left for the next trending thread