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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

SIL has just left and I can't stop crying (warning upseting)

243 replies

helpcantstopcrying · 08/02/2014 22:08

Namechanged for this
Okay so SIL (DHs older sister) has always been hard to get along with. She has 3 lovely DCs but she is very negative about them and went they were younger they pretty much lived at the PILs house. But she seems to think she is the greatest mum in the world and nobody can compete with her.
She was also best friends with DHs ex-wife who left DH with their 2 DCs and rarely sees the DCs now and changes her number frequently and doesn't tell us or just doesn't bother answering. We think SIL is still in contact with her but when we ask she just laughs and says she won't say either way.

Everything I do isn't good enough, anything the DCs do hers have done something better. Anything I do is wrong and ex-wife did it better. We have limited contact with her to just family occasions for PILs who agree that she can be bitchy but ask us all to be civil when we have to be together.

So tonight DH is in work and the DCs have gone to PILs for a sleepover. SIL appeared at the door sobbing asking to talk to DH. When I said he isn't in she said she wanted to come in anyway. She was in tears in the rain in just a t-shirt and jeans, I thought something awful must have happened so I let her in made her some tea and got some blankets for her.

So half an hour later she had stopped crying and had taken control of the tv gotten some chocolate out her bag and kept laughing if I tried to talk to her. I gave up and just sat there watching her watch the tv.

Then her program finished and she asked me were the DCs were I said PILs house and she spent ages ranting about me taking advantage of the PILs (the DCs stay over there every 6 months or so at their request) I just nodded and explained that the PILs had asked them to come over. She wouldn't listen and kept saying I was a crap mum and ex-wife wouldn't abandon the DCs like that.
In the end I snapped and pointed out that ex-wife had abandoned the DCs therefore I am a better mum than her.
SIL started shouting that I was a witch who had made her brother into a crap dad. I said we were both good parents and she needed to leave now.

She ran into the dining room to the locked glass cupboard were my dad's ashes and some of his things are kept. The glass cupboard was built specially to store my dad's things away from the DCs because in his will he asked to be 'let go' on a certain day in the summer. He died in November so obviously this day hasn't been yet.
Anyway she smashed the cupboard with a small statue on my windowsill before I could catch her I grabbed her and I was begging her to just go. She hit me repeatedly in the face and in the end I let go she got into the cupboard and she chucked my dad's things everywhere and spat inside the jar holding my dad's ashes.

I am not proud of this but I lost it and I dragged her by her hair out of my house and chucked her out of the door telling her I hoped she died because no-one would care. She said that she prefered ex-wife to me I would never compare and everyone would be happier if I just killed myself.

I have closed the door she has gone and I have called DH and told him he has to come home but I haven't told him why.
The worst part is I have let my poor dad down and I can never make it right, some of his things are broken beyond repair and I must be the worst daughter in the world.

OP posts:
Coconutty · 08/02/2014 22:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Quinteszilla · 08/02/2014 22:20

If you call the police she will know not to do such a thing again.

If you let this pass, she knows she can get away with assault and criminal damage.

Was she on drugs?

Damnautocorrect · 08/02/2014 22:20

Yes to calling the police, if she's the fantastic mother she claims to be then it won't affect the kids. But I do think you should cover your arse, get to the police first whilst everything's fresh and a mess

BornOfFrustration · 08/02/2014 22:20

That's terrible, what an awful woman. I'm sat here shaking my head with my mouth hanging open over what she did with the ashes. Agree with the others, call the police over the assault at the very least.

LittleBonnie · 08/02/2014 22:21

Please don't blame yourself, you did everything right, she sounds like she has some major mental health problems.

Hopefully your DH will be home soon to give you some comfort and a big hug.

Kahlua4me · 08/02/2014 22:21

Poor you, what an awful woman.

I also think you should call the police and report her. Goodness knows what else she would have done if you hadn't thrown her out.

When will you dh get home? Could you ring your pil

antiabz · 08/02/2014 22:21

Her kids would probably benefit from their mother being taught that some behaviour is unacceptable and has consequences!

Joules68 · 08/02/2014 22:22

You do need to call them... Get this on record. Her kids will be fine

Awful woman... How old is she? Did you find out what had happened to her before all this?

Clutterbugsmum · 08/02/2014 22:22

You haven't let your dad down. But you do if you let her get away with this.

If she'd didn't want her children to have to deal with her behaviour then she shouldn't behave like this.

Have you let your PIL what happened and to keep her away from your children.

Fairenuff · 08/02/2014 22:22

I think you should have called the police before dragging her by her hair. Now you can report her for assault (and you probably should) but she will also make allegations against you too.

helpcantstopcrying · 08/02/2014 22:22

I know my dad would say it was okay but he was my dad and it was the last thing I had to do for him and he always did so much for me and now I have wreaked everything.

OP posts:
Kahlua4me · 08/02/2014 22:23

Sorry pressed post too soon.

Can you ring pil and tell them? Do you know where she is now?

You need to stand up to her and report her for assault so she can't do it again.

expatinscotland · 08/02/2014 22:23

Those kids need you to ring the police. FFS, in that rage, she should not be near children.

MissBattleaxe · 08/02/2014 22:23

What LtEve said. If she is unhinged with you, she is likely to be a risk to her children so do call the police. She might come back. She sounds like she might have MH problems to be so irrational and illogical and violent.

For your own safety, please do call the police.

And don't feel bad about letting your Dad down, you haven't at all. The love and respect with which you refer to him is plenty enough for him to be proud of.

ohfourfoxache · 08/02/2014 22:23

No you haven't - you have done nothing wrong, you were trying to be caring and compassionate.

Please call the police. This is not your fault - none of it Sad

BoyMeetsWorld · 08/02/2014 22:24

Ohmigod! This just made me cry my eyes out - I have my dads ashes too & this would break me you poor poor thing. You haven't let him down, you've still got him there & you can still scatter his ashes how he wanted he would know you did everything you can. Huge huge huge hug. I think you should report her too but perhaps wait for your DH I hope he realises how serious this is. Stay here with us until he's there with you. ConfusedConfusedConfused

expatinscotland · 08/02/2014 22:24

Definitely ring the police now.

MrsNoodleHead · 08/02/2014 22:24

Poor you. But having kids is not a reason to get away with violence. She sounds unhinged and may do this again if you don't draw a line in the sand. Please call the police.

DrMaybe · 08/02/2014 22:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kahlua4me · 08/02/2014 22:24

No you haven't wrecked anything for him. He would know you tried to protect him and he would understand.

ohfourfoxache · 08/02/2014 22:25

When is DH going to get home?

ohfourfoxache · 08/02/2014 22:26

Stay with us Help - we're all here holding your hand x

Sollers · 08/02/2014 22:26

She sounds like she's having a psychotic episode. Definitely call the police. It'll probably make things.better for her kids in the long run.
You haven.t let your dad down at all,.please don't think that. Hugs to you. Xx

StrawberryTartYum · 08/02/2014 22:26

I'm so sorry! You haven't let your Dad down at all, she is a vicious spiteful woman. Is that not desecration, could you report her? Maybe it would help to get the ashes blessed again, if you explaind to the church? I hope your DH gets home soon to give you lots of support and you can both initiate no contact.
((((((hugs)))))

VashtaNerada · 08/02/2014 22:27

On a practical note, a funeral directors should be able to sort out your dad's ashes so you can still scatter them. You poor thing, what a disgusting thing to do.