How do I respond to this email from DH?

[catgirl1976]

DH and I have some problems. I think a few people on here might remember some of them and some of MN have the strong opinion that DH is not good for me.

However, I do love him. But I am exhausted and unhappy.

I tried to talk to him last night and this morning found the email below in my inbox.

I just don't know how to reply, or what I want. Well I do. I want things back the way they were and I want a partner.

Does anyone have any advice on how I should respond?

Hello Cat,

It guts me to see you so unhappy. It really wasn't the intention. You see there was a time when we had fun and I thought it rocked. So much so I didn't want anything to interrupt that. But you wanted a baby and reluctantly I acquiesced. Thank the stars I did. Look at DS! He is incredible and amazing.

That doesn't help you though. (Actually it should but lets move on from that).

You are right, I have changed. I have grown older, and also commercially very cynical. My entire life I have been looking for happiness, I have actually found it in our DS. I never expected this and certainly didn't ask for it, but he has had a profound effect on my outlook on life.

Its a crime that you were forced (in part by me I guess) back to work so early. I do agree you have drawn the shitty end of a long stick. The answer is simple, that being get a new job. However I fear you will be unhappy wherever you are. Certainly XX despite its shortcomings is far better than any company I have had the grace to work for. I also admit that's not saying much.

You are 100% Correct in that I could do more around the house. I hope you acknowledge the increased effort I have been putting into this. An example would be tidying up even though I have DS. Yes I could do more, but I am sure you can relate to the amount of demands he makes on one and given that its easy to procrastinate. However that said I will increase my productivity and I hope it makes life easier for you.

For me though the nub is that I feel as out of place as you do. I have said repeatedly that I would love to do your job, hell I have even advised you on it (Not that you really need it, you are more than competent, I was just trying to help). The fact of the matter is that at the ripe old age of forty I have no other trade than selling. Between you, me and the gatepost, I cannot and will not return to the environment that I used to inhabit. I cant. Call it burnt out, mid life crisis, or laziness. I simply cannot do that anymore. As I have stated, i would rather clean toilets.

Maybe I should clean toilets. It would be fairer of course to contribute financially. However the one thing that does bring me a modicum of prestige is DS. I have worked so hard (and enjoyed it, a luxury you don't have in your vocation) to help and develop him. I think I am just in being proud of my Son, regardless of bias.

You are right, I do need friends and interests outside this house. However in my experience the Muppets I worked with tended to be the opposite of my outlook in every way. A notable exception would be XX. That said I don't expect to find many “XX's” in any job I stand a snowballs chance of getting.

I can see how hard you are working and pushing yourself. Its obvious that the gas tank it empty and its not sustainable. I will do whatever I can to help, with recourse to the above. I cannot fix your career.

I cannot be the the dude you fell in love with either. I'm older, slower (still quick) and jaded. But the two aspects of my life where I raise a smile are (in order) TDS and you. You are exhausted, mentally, physically and emotionally. Its not surprising give the amount of responsibility on your shoulders. It means everything to me to be able to help, but DS means everything to me too, and I want to have a real, fundamental impact on him and be the father I never had. In a nutshell that means forsaking everything for him.

I don't want to forsake you though. However if we are at the point where you simply don't see why you married me, or that dude that looked you up (and down) in halls then I get it. I am not a parasite and will bow out with as much honour as I can muster.

I love you and always will, but I cant stand seeing you this unhappy. I do believe we can grow from this position, however I respect your feelings too and If that isn't a decision you subscribe to I understand.

I Love you, and pray that is enough.

x

Leaving somebody is a process in many cases. In many case it's a 'straw that broke the camel's back' type senario and things need to build to that unbearable stage. If anyone leaves before then, they will never know if it couldn't have been different and won't have surity on their side to help them to bounce back.

The OP needs to be sure, and needs to come to terms with and make plans after being sure. These things take time but I'm sure most of us wish we had a magic wand to hurry her up to the stage where she can move on.

The cleaning house and making dinner would have pissed me off more. I'd be like "oh so you can do it you just choose not to". Up thread someone mentioned that with depression it may be he really can't do anything more. Well, the fact he can pull it out the bag when he knows the games up, kicks that theory in to touch.

I think it might be better to start thinking about the effect this is having on your son. It's brilliant that you are going for counselling but given your past it may take a long time before you realise your own worth. In the meantime your son is watching and learning how to be a man and how to treat women.

It sounds to me as though you actually believe this horror of a man loves you and that he wants to change. Please stop listening to his words. Look at what he does. He has no love for you. He loves himself so much there is no room for anyone else.

And the couple of days nursery is not the point it is part of the whole picture and the picture shows your husband as grotesque. We can all see him very clearly. We just hope that eventually you will see it too.

Yep. I get it pursuitofhappiness. It's a process and unfortunately it's not until you got rock bottom. For some, it's months, for others years and years. So glad I did what I did. Two years to kick out dp. And he got a job within a month...a bloody well paid job too. Things are on a more equal footing..I work too and a much greater appreciation of each other's contributions. Respect is now up there and we are all happier. My dh once said inertia causes depression and it's a hard cycle to break. What made him do it was he had no money in his pocket and his family refused to give him a room to stay in. So he went and stayed on someone's floor knowing full well, he could have ended up homeless. Sometimes you need that shock to the system, and 2 years was a waste of our lives living in that relationship hell. Good luck op.

I'm really glad that you're thinking of asking for counselling, OP.

Please, please, please don't under any circumstances let your H go with you. It would make things worse.

If he does suggest counselling as a couple, just say that you are going on your own first.

Second thoughts, scrub that. Go on your own on the way home from work on a day that your DS isn't at nursery. Say that you've got a lot on at work, or something like that.

I hope you find someone really good that will help you to be 'you' and to see what you can do with your life without him dragging you down.

I haven't read any of the previous threads, and obviously this has been a long term issue in the marriage which sounds like it's finally coming to a head. I agree that his initial email to you was appalling, but I'm with Phoolani his two subsequent replies have at least shown a willingness to change despite the 'poor me too' rhetoric. Prepare to LTB if he doesn't, but give him an opportunity to put things right. Make sure he's under no illusions what will happen if things continue as they are. I also think the advice not to increase his two days as sole carer for DS is sound.

I would chuck his games in the bin...

Not read all the way through but this guy is not going to change.. Take the controllers to work with you....Sitting in front of a game will not lift depression...

Laqueen, that question is always asked on these threads - I don't understand why someone who seems so nice, so sensible, so sorted is wasting their life with someone who shares none of those qualities....

I think the answer is that you can never tell what is going on behind the possibly serene surface. I think Catgirl is beginning now to unpick what is going on for her and i hope she does get some counselling to talk about her own experiences growing up which have obviously set the template for her life now.

It is frightening easy for women I think, to display utter competence in many endeavours and yet fall apart when it comes to respecting their own emotional health. I know so many amazing people who made awful relationship choices - perhaps because deep down they didn't believe they were so amazing and this was all they were worth?

I think a lot of us carry around so many unhelpful lessons from our childhood. I had it ingrained in me that as a disabled woman I should be 'grateful' if anyone took an interest in me - so I stayed in some truly appalling relationships. It takes time and some real thinking to get it straight in your head and get out. And sadly, some people never do.

I hope catgirl is one of those who escapes.

CatGirl I hope you feeling okay today. Not sure whether you own or rent or whatever.

In terms of residency is where the child sleeps that counts so feasibly you could leave take ds with you and drop him off with his Dad to be looked after during the week...

I tell my 10 year old daughter that love should never be unconditional (apart from a parent's love for their child) - so much so that she deeply disapproves of the Katy Perry song Unconditionally!

I tell her that she should never tell a future partner 'I'll love you no matter what'.

I'm not actually a cynical, anti-romantic wanker - I just want to make it clear that you can put yourself in a vulnerable position if you tell someone they can say and do what they like to you and you will accept that. You must love yourself as much as you love a partner and respect yourself even more than you respect a partner.

It really worries me that you wanted to end your first email with 'I love you and I always will'. You know that he'd smile to himself then? Unclench his buttocks, stop worrying that this time you might just mean he has to step off his comfortable gravy train, fire up his Xbox, crack open a beer and look forward to another three months of peace before you start 'nagging' him again?

His emails read just like those my friend's ex sends to her. Funnily enough, friend's ex is a narcissistic cocklodger too.

As always, I wish you well in freeing yourself of this unnecessary hindrance to your life, catgirl.

Not sure if I missed something.

But how can someone be to 'depressed' to work or do something around the house to help. But can write in such a professional/work way (sorry not sure how to phraze it.)

It seems to me that the 2 side doesn't match. And he is quite happy for you to do everything for him.

I don't think depression takes away your ability to write coherently (and the writing's not really anything more than that).

Me too :( It's really very depressing indeed. And I think you've hit the nail on the head Spero. In all other aspects, my friends in crappy relationships have laid their childhood ghosts to rest but they don't seem to have the tools to protect their emotional wellbeing.

Spero's post affected me as well; that's pretty much how I've always felt and its only been a year or so since I've seen it and fully understood it. And I've been married 25 years :( I hope Cat get's it sorted out much sooner.

I'm not going to offer any advice (as I didn't take it until I was ready to make changes). I just hope you make the right decision for you.
You deserve so much more than what you're receiving.
Take care Cat. Take care of YOU.

Sadly, I had to live it to learn it - I think it is one of those life lessons that you can intellectually understand but never really 'own' until you go through the process yourself.

BUT it did help remembering what certain brave friends had said to me when I was finally ready to take the plunge and leave - they had been pointing out for ages that things weren't right but I wasn't ready to hear it.

Maybe part of the problem is also that we are expected as women to be nurturing and to 'make the effort' in a relationship. We are also told 'relationships are hard work' which was certainly the most insidious of all the lies that kept me tied down.

I think you have to make an effort if a relationship is to work, but if you constantly feel like you are pushing a boulder up a hill or walking on eggshells etc, then you get out as fast as you can.

I will tell my daughter, I don't care who or what you end up with, so long as he or she is KIND to you and tries to put your welfare on a level with his or hers, at least most of the time.

Good luck and good wishes to all of you going through this. It is horrible but if you are brave you will come out the other side and life will be so, so much better.

CatGirl how are you? Makes me worried that you've stepped away from this thread.

It is hard to emotionally detach from someone you love and have emotionally invested so much on but this relationship is not good for you on any level. Even if he were doing 90% of the "home-makers work" he still wouldn't actually do any nurturing of you on an emotional level because all he is concerned about is himself.

i think cat is probably only is able to post in the working week.

best of luck cat - could ending this be any harder than the drudgery you are putting up with now? im sure you would be happier long term. You are like a single parent anyway.