How do I respond to this email from DH?

[catgirl1976]

DH and I have some problems. I think a few people on here might remember some of them and some of MN have the strong opinion that DH is not good for me.

However, I do love him. But I am exhausted and unhappy.

I tried to talk to him last night and this morning found the email below in my inbox.

I just don't know how to reply, or what I want. Well I do. I want things back the way they were and I want a partner.

Does anyone have any advice on how I should respond?

Hello Cat,

It guts me to see you so unhappy. It really wasn't the intention. You see there was a time when we had fun and I thought it rocked. So much so I didn't want anything to interrupt that. But you wanted a baby and reluctantly I acquiesced. Thank the stars I did. Look at DS! He is incredible and amazing.

That doesn't help you though. (Actually it should but lets move on from that).

You are right, I have changed. I have grown older, and also commercially very cynical. My entire life I have been looking for happiness, I have actually found it in our DS. I never expected this and certainly didn't ask for it, but he has had a profound effect on my outlook on life.

Its a crime that you were forced (in part by me I guess) back to work so early. I do agree you have drawn the shitty end of a long stick. The answer is simple, that being get a new job. However I fear you will be unhappy wherever you are. Certainly XX despite its shortcomings is far better than any company I have had the grace to work for. I also admit that's not saying much.

You are 100% Correct in that I could do more around the house. I hope you acknowledge the increased effort I have been putting into this. An example would be tidying up even though I have DS. Yes I could do more, but I am sure you can relate to the amount of demands he makes on one and given that its easy to procrastinate. However that said I will increase my productivity and I hope it makes life easier for you.

For me though the nub is that I feel as out of place as you do. I have said repeatedly that I would love to do your job, hell I have even advised you on it (Not that you really need it, you are more than competent, I was just trying to help). The fact of the matter is that at the ripe old age of forty I have no other trade than selling. Between you, me and the gatepost, I cannot and will not return to the environment that I used to inhabit. I cant. Call it burnt out, mid life crisis, or laziness. I simply cannot do that anymore. As I have stated, i would rather clean toilets.

Maybe I should clean toilets. It would be fairer of course to contribute financially. However the one thing that does bring me a modicum of prestige is DS. I have worked so hard (and enjoyed it, a luxury you don't have in your vocation) to help and develop him. I think I am just in being proud of my Son, regardless of bias.

You are right, I do need friends and interests outside this house. However in my experience the Muppets I worked with tended to be the opposite of my outlook in every way. A notable exception would be XX. That said I don't expect to find many “XX's” in any job I stand a snowballs chance of getting.

I can see how hard you are working and pushing yourself. Its obvious that the gas tank it empty and its not sustainable. I will do whatever I can to help, with recourse to the above. I cannot fix your career.

I cannot be the the dude you fell in love with either. I'm older, slower (still quick) and jaded. But the two aspects of my life where I raise a smile are (in order) TDS and you. You are exhausted, mentally, physically and emotionally. Its not surprising give the amount of responsibility on your shoulders. It means everything to me to be able to help, but DS means everything to me too, and I want to have a real, fundamental impact on him and be the father I never had. In a nutshell that means forsaking everything for him.

I don't want to forsake you though. However if we are at the point where you simply don't see why you married me, or that dude that looked you up (and down) in halls then I get it. I am not a parasite and will bow out with as much honour as I can muster.

I love you and always will, but I cant stand seeing you this unhappy. I do believe we can grow from this position, however I respect your feelings too and If that isn't a decision you subscribe to I understand.

I Love you, and pray that is enough.

x

While I agree it is good to plan for a worst case scenario, I don't think he would want custody as I think that would be too much hard work.

I think he would like to threaten you with that though, and so you should take action to shut that off.

The 'Actually it should be, but let's move on from that' comment is so unbearably snide and condescending I could hardly bring myself to read on.
Not only is he above cleaning toilets, he could do your job too apparently but it's not for him as he is unable to bear the presence of lesser mortals who work for a living.
He takes credit for your DS, the finances and the little bit of tidying he does now. How does this man look you in the eye? He is an utter disgrace.
Get this thread deleted, get legal advice, get him out!

I've only been here 3 years but I've read hundreds of threads (even had my own in the beginning) but I can honestly say that your H brings to life in his hideous emails just what a fucktard he is. It's one of the very, very few threads in which we get to see first hand 'the other side of the story'.

The fact that you are still functioning (just) is testimony to you and no-one else. If you can do this with such an enormous milestone around your neck you most certainly can survive and flourish without it.

He's banking on you not leaving, you do realise. Ask yourself why that is...

• because you don't want to disrupt his great relationship with DS? But, um, he's the one doing that.

• because you're too tired? Think of how much worse you'll feel in another year if you stay.

• because you'll have to pay him off? Hmm - the courts will see through him and you won't have to cough much, if at all.

• because he might get to keep DS? No he won't.

Oh god, he's not a wonderful anything.

He's an absolute IDIOT.

He's banking on you not leaving, you do realise

This. He is trying to gauge what is the absolute minimum he can say and do to keep you maintaining for him the easy life he currently enjoys. He will not ever do an iota more than this, I'd be willing to bet.

Agree with Handrags that he wouldn't actually want the hard work of being resident parent but will threaten you with that to keep you in line. You really need to be prepared for him to do this - however much you might think he wouldn't, there are plenty of threads on here that show otherwise - and make a plan accordingly.

Would he want want custody for more than a couple of days a week? I doubt it somehow, I'd imagine he would collapse with exhaustion.

Those saying he is creating a paper trail for custody, do you know men like this who actually wanted to take on the bulk share of custody in a divorce?

Wtf.

Why can't he get a job?!!

Am I missing something here given he has time to himself during the day and he does nothing productive?

Let's just focus on the job bit for a moment.
He doesn't want to go back but he can do something else. God. My dh refused to get a paid job for 2 years because he was too tunnelled vision on working for free on his failed business. And I bloody kicked him out because he could have earnt more as a bin man during those 2 years. Nothing wrong with bin men btw.

Its so hard to fall for all this email communication crap. Op - it doesn't to be this way and for the record, you need to tell your dp that not having a job is a cop out when you really need him to have one. That's what he wants to set his son as an example does he?!

I'd bloody kick him out to the kerb. fortunately I wasn't married to my dp so kicking him out was pretty easy. I can tell you he got a job pretty swiftly after that.

I wouldn't put it past him to apply so he can continue leeching off the OP (hey, if I get residence I can get maintenance!)

He probably thinks childcare is easy.

Hi catgirl honey. Sorry things are sucking so bad for you right now.

Your twatting wankbadger DH sees his free ride and his meal ticket disappearing and it's only that threat that has made him finally sit up and take notice, as feeble as it is.

How on earth is he going to support himself if he's not living off you?

Kick him to the curb. Change the locks.

Be free.

Rejoice.

I agree with all those who say it is vanishingly unlikely that a man like this will actively push for becoming the primary carer of a small child.

My ex certainly didn't. He was aware that small children didn't fit with his lifestyle choices - to watch TV as and when he felt like it, to shop, cook and clean only when HE felt like it, regardless of what anyone else in the household wanted or needed etc, etc.

If you are going to try to keep this relationship going (and I am not sure I could bear to in your shoes) I think the bare fucking minimum change is that he GOES OUT AND GETS A JOB.

ANY job. Bar work, maybe even cleaning those toilets he so despises (because obviously he's better and nobler than the people who hate it and do it to feed their children).

Best case scenario: you have more money, your life is easier, he grows up.

Other best case scenario: you have more money, and he's out of the house more and cannot even claim to be primary carer in a few months' time when you kick his worthless arse out.

But bottom line, for me: I can't see how someone who fundamentally thinks it's OK for you to worry and work yourself to a shadow as long as he doesn't have to get out of his PJs can ever become a decent functioning human being.

Cat, you're on a freight train to crazy town if you think he's gonna change...can't believe you can't see through his bullshit:( Bruno has it all spot on. Listen to us Cat!! You won't believe how much better your life could be! Embrace the possibilities of a happy healthy life, it's in your grasp.

You have two options. Put up or put out. There is no incentive for your dh to do more because what you gonna do? There is nothing you can do to incentivise him. He needs to do it for himself and he won't because you're doing it for him.

You're enabling him. Sorry to sound harsh but high mighty time he starts working to put food in his own mouth.

''Its a crime that you were forced (in part by me I guess) back to work so early. I do agree you have drawn the shitty end of a long stick. The answer is simple, that being get a new job .''

This is completely wrong. He is talking about how shitty it was you had to go back to work (due to his inertia) and then suggests the 'simple' answer is that YOU get a different one. Not him. Not him making you unhappy, no no! It's your fault for having the wrong job.
Pffft. Sorry, but I can honestly say he is deluded here and has done his sales patter on himself, to erase any guilt. Agree as above he sounds as though he is being communicative in a very measured way in that email. Far too communicative in certain ways that perhaps you alone would not have seen through, but as a collective we can. He wasn't betting on us lot, was he?

I remember your older posts, which is why I felt I should post earlier. Our DC are similar ages and I had a rocky first year with my ex too (have NC'd since). I have been a lone parent now since DD was 6mo and I can honestly say I would never go back to being in that situation again. The road as a single mum may look daunting and scary, but once you are in it you cope and you will more than likely find yourself in a much happier place a year down the line. There is a thread in relationships atm - about giving up on relationships. It sums up a lot of the things people feel now they are out of situations like yours. If you are worried about that side of things, do take a look. We will all be here to support you through it either way. Good luck and get yourself a glass of wine!

I agree the likelihood of him being residence is vanishingly small, but it's that kind of mindset. He'll be thinking he can maintain his parasitic lifestyle if he has the kid cos childcare's a piece of piss...

Ironic really... because folk like this could probably be millionaires if they put in the effort to do some actual work that they put into avoiding it and manipulating other folk into doing things for them.

Even if it got as far as court (unlikely, as this would require some effort..) it wouldn't go anywhere.

Ahem. Getting residence, not being residence. Apologies.

I think he could try and get residency for several reasons: a) to 'punish' catgirl, b) because he thinks it'll be easy, and c) because he sees it as a way to get catgirl paying him maintenance in the event of a split. Not for a minute would he want the work and the responsibility, but I have seen enough threads on here where men who don't even spend one day a week with their kids will threaten to 'take the kids' or to apply for residency as a way of cowing their partners. Therefore I think it would be wise, catgirl, to prepare yourself for him to do this. Flippinada I agree it wouldn't go anywhere even if it went to court, but I would still act to close down the threat, catgirl, so that you can laugh in his face when he makes it (which I think he will).

Agree with Cookie,if you stay with him you are going to have to learn to deal with this.He will not change,ever.So start by thinking of ways you can make your life more bearable,a cleaner for example.
Also,make sure your ds has some good male role models in his life because he is going to need to be shown that this is not how people behave in relationships or life in general.

''Its a crime that you were forced (in part by me I guess) back to work so early. I do agree you have drawn the shitty end of a long stick. The answer is simple, that being get a new job .''

This actually makes me stabby

catgirl, I know you don't owe us anything, but do let us know if you're okay, if you can. I am worried given his past outbursts of violence and really hope you're safe. It might be worth thinking about going to your mum's for a few days while you figure things out.

I've been lurking on this thread for a while and I hope you're OK, OP. How was your evening? Did you talk to your husband about any of this?

I really just wanted to say that I agree with dreamingbohemian and others that your replies to his emails should be aimed at spiking any attempts to establish himself as this fantastic father and manager of household finances, just in case that's his game.

I have to say he comes across worse and worse with every reply, taking credit for everything that's good and blaming you for anything that needs improvement. And he used "should of". Twice.

''Its a crime that you were forced (in part by me I guess) back to work so early. I do agree you have drawn the shitty end of a long stick. The answer is simple, that being get a new job .''

This actually makes me stabby

Once again I find myself in agreement with db. There's no "in part" about it- it was entirely down to him seeing earning the money as your responsibility, same like everything else. And yes, the answer IS simple, but it has nothing to do with piling the responsibility back onto your shoulders. How can he not see this??

This strikes a chord with me because my STBXH was cut from similar cloth. I started maternity leave an hour after my waters broke and was back to work part-time when DS was three days old. Completely different scenario, admittedly, as I'm self-employed and work from home, so I could pick and choose which jobs to take on and got pretty adept at working whilst BFing, but same principle in that my H just didn't see any reason why he should demean himself by working just for the sordid purpose of bringing money into the household.

Look, you're working yourself into the ground trying to do everything and there is an adult in your house who is capable of picking up the slack, but unwilling to. If he isn't going to work, and is gong to have three full days on his own every single fucking week, then the least he can do is make sure that you don't have to cook and clean on top of trying to do DS's bath and bedtime. There's really not much teamwork going on here and it really does grate that he's trying to set himself up as the éminence bastard grise...

If he's the one I'm thinking of, he also smashes up the house in front of his toddler when crossed.

That's on top of being a self-obsessed twat who says 'should of'.

Surely no sane family court would award main residency to a pretentious, ungrammatical arse with a police record?

Bird yes, you have the right man.