How do I respond to this email from DH?

[catgirl1976]

DH and I have some problems. I think a few people on here might remember some of them and some of MN have the strong opinion that DH is not good for me.

However, I do love him. But I am exhausted and unhappy.

I tried to talk to him last night and this morning found the email below in my inbox.

I just don't know how to reply, or what I want. Well I do. I want things back the way they were and I want a partner.

Does anyone have any advice on how I should respond?

Hello Cat,

It guts me to see you so unhappy. It really wasn't the intention. You see there was a time when we had fun and I thought it rocked. So much so I didn't want anything to interrupt that. But you wanted a baby and reluctantly I acquiesced. Thank the stars I did. Look at DS! He is incredible and amazing.

That doesn't help you though. (Actually it should but lets move on from that).

You are right, I have changed. I have grown older, and also commercially very cynical. My entire life I have been looking for happiness, I have actually found it in our DS. I never expected this and certainly didn't ask for it, but he has had a profound effect on my outlook on life.

Its a crime that you were forced (in part by me I guess) back to work so early. I do agree you have drawn the shitty end of a long stick. The answer is simple, that being get a new job. However I fear you will be unhappy wherever you are. Certainly XX despite its shortcomings is far better than any company I have had the grace to work for. I also admit that's not saying much.

You are 100% Correct in that I could do more around the house. I hope you acknowledge the increased effort I have been putting into this. An example would be tidying up even though I have DS. Yes I could do more, but I am sure you can relate to the amount of demands he makes on one and given that its easy to procrastinate. However that said I will increase my productivity and I hope it makes life easier for you.

For me though the nub is that I feel as out of place as you do. I have said repeatedly that I would love to do your job, hell I have even advised you on it (Not that you really need it, you are more than competent, I was just trying to help). The fact of the matter is that at the ripe old age of forty I have no other trade than selling. Between you, me and the gatepost, I cannot and will not return to the environment that I used to inhabit. I cant. Call it burnt out, mid life crisis, or laziness. I simply cannot do that anymore. As I have stated, i would rather clean toilets.

Maybe I should clean toilets. It would be fairer of course to contribute financially. However the one thing that does bring me a modicum of prestige is DS. I have worked so hard (and enjoyed it, a luxury you don't have in your vocation) to help and develop him. I think I am just in being proud of my Son, regardless of bias.

You are right, I do need friends and interests outside this house. However in my experience the Muppets I worked with tended to be the opposite of my outlook in every way. A notable exception would be XX. That said I don't expect to find many “XX's” in any job I stand a snowballs chance of getting.

I can see how hard you are working and pushing yourself. Its obvious that the gas tank it empty and its not sustainable. I will do whatever I can to help, with recourse to the above. I cannot fix your career.

I cannot be the the dude you fell in love with either. I'm older, slower (still quick) and jaded. But the two aspects of my life where I raise a smile are (in order) TDS and you. You are exhausted, mentally, physically and emotionally. Its not surprising give the amount of responsibility on your shoulders. It means everything to me to be able to help, but DS means everything to me too, and I want to have a real, fundamental impact on him and be the father I never had. In a nutshell that means forsaking everything for him.

I don't want to forsake you though. However if we are at the point where you simply don't see why you married me, or that dude that looked you up (and down) in halls then I get it. I am not a parasite and will bow out with as much honour as I can muster.

I love you and always will, but I cant stand seeing you this unhappy. I do believe we can grow from this position, however I respect your feelings too and If that isn't a decision you subscribe to I understand.

I Love you, and pray that is enough.

x

Now I have read your response, I think it's good. It sets out very clearly what you do and what you expect. I would send that.

I couldn't respect a man who sent me this.

'Maybe I should clean toilets' = 'we both know I'm far above that'.

Er, no.

You are an amazing father. Fantastic and wonderful
NO HE IS NOT! A fantastic father DOES NOT watch his wife ground herself into nothing because he wants to spend three fucking days playing videogames. That is NOT a good father, it is not.

I think you should take him up on his offer. He's wrong in his penultimate paragraph too - he's absolutely a parasite.

Your DS has basically given him an excuse to behave like a teenage boy for 5/7s of his life.

Oh dear

He is a great big useless lump

I don't know how on earth you can "love" him.

And he isn't being a "wonderful" father, if he was, he'd face up to all his responsibilities as a SAHP and care for you and set a proper eg for ds.

These last two paragraphs of yours cat need to be removed because they are not true.

"You are an amazing father. Fantastic and wonderful and I love you for that immensely. More than you will ever know. But you need to be a husband as well and a person in your own right. You can do these things and be a good father to DS. Whilst looking after him is hugely demanding, and on the 2 days a week you have sole care of him I don’t expect you to be cleaning the kitchen cupboards out as well, you cannot let him be the only thing in your life. You have to have a life as well. Being a good father and being your own person are not mutually exclusive. In fact, you need to be a role model to DS and he needs to see you as a whole person and not just his daddy. Does that make sense?

I love you too and I always will. I want us to sort this out but my confidence that we can has reached rock bottom and I don’t have the energy to be the person to fix it."

He is not and will never be a so called amazing father, define that as well if you could. Women in dysfunctional abusive relationships often write that as well when they can think of nothing positive to write about their man.

I doubt very much that he loves you at all really, he does not know the meaning of the word. Your second paragraph in quote marks above is also worrying as you also sound co-dependent on him. You learnt co-dependency from somewhere which makes me wonder what you learnt about relationships when growing up. You were not put on this planet either to be anyone's rescuer and or saviour in a relationship, acting as either in a relationship never ever works.

All he is doing now is dragging you and your son now down with him.

I really wouldn't send it. Hes told you everything you need to know already. Hes told you his position: like it or lump it.

Don't send that e-mail, there is far too much ego-stroking in it.

He is NOT an amazing father. An amazing father does not allow the mother of his child to run herself into the ground while he sits around and does fuck all whilst demanding a pat on the head for every little thing he does like a petulant child.

Maybe I should clean toilets' = 'we both know I'm far above that'
But you are not, clearly. YOU are to clean the toilets. Not him, he's too good for that. He's better than that.
Can you not see it? The entitlement? That will never change.

And yes cat you are too bloody soft and he has taken full advantage of your kindnesses. He has also used same against you.

Even my 15 year old son does more around the house than your H does.

You are too tired and fed up and torn to think straight and like the rest of us you desperately want everything to be ok.

But he is making your life worse because he is filling you with resentment as well as everything else. And if that resentment is unacknowledged, the depression that comes from suppressing it will get worse.

My first thought was 'me me me me'

Then I remembered old posts and read the one about now much you do, and lack of what he does. I really feel for you.

He is taking you for a total mug.

Oh no don't send that email. He is not an amazing father. He is a shit father because one of the most important things for the development of your son is that you are happy. Please don't send that. He will only take the positive bit about being a great dad. Bullet point the things he needs to do in order to be a good parent and leave it with can you confirm you are able to do this. Yes and no questions. He is a bullshitter and you are vulnerable to his charms. Life as a single parent will be a joy compared with your current experience.

I think your email is crystal clear, non-manipulative, non-blaming, non-judgemental and grown-up.

The opposite of his.

I dunno. My instant response is 'You're an amazing, deeply impressive individual and you'll be happier without him.' But if you want to work it out and you think you can, then this email is a great start.

Infact this e-mail of his is very condescending full stop. Its all very poor me on his part as well.

He needs to be kicked out cat before he really does destroy you and your son. Would you want your son to be anything like his father?.

And all the referring back to when you first met. It is so clearly 'I'm so fucking hot how dare you not let me do whatever I like'.

Grrrrr I would give him a piece of my mind, I am so so angry for you.

Have just read what you do now. I can't believe any man or woman would think it acceptable to sit in their pj 2/3 days a week playing computer games, actually my 11 year old would do that all weekend if I let him. But he's 11, not in his 30's worth a wife and child.

He sounds awful.

Catgirl I haven't read any of your back story before so am basing this purely on his email.

He doesn't come across well tbh. My impression from what he writes and the way he writes it is that it is all about 'me, me, me!'. He seems very introspective (at best) and self absorbed. Basically, he knows you're unhappy but is prepared to do nothing about it - so the choice is down to you to put up with it or have the responsibility of being the one who he can blame for ending the relationship.

He is a man-child and I genuinely feel for you op

"Maybe I should clean toilets. It would be fairer of course to contribute financially. However the one thing that does bring me a modicum of prestige is DS. I have worked so hard (and enjoyed it, a luxury you don't have in your vocation) to help and develop him."

The use of 'prestige' here is really odd, and he seems to be suggesting that he is entirely responsible for DS's development. Which given that he only looks after him two days a week and you do the bath, bedtimes and presumably most of the weekend is bonkers, and rather unpleasant.

That just isn't fair division of labour. Looking after your DS 2 days a week does not entitle him to 5 days off! I take on all of the cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry, housework because I am a full time mum to 2 kids (not in childcare) and my DH works full time. He has his job, so I do mine! Yes he mucks in at weekends but that's as it should be.
Can you go and stay with your mum for a bit?

Cat

You know it's bloody outrageous to have your DS in nursery costing you more money whilst he plays computer games.

If he has three full days at home on his own of course he should take absolute responsibility for all the house stuff and getting DS to nursery.

Reading his first email I could guess a lot if the situation wo you explaining it.
I am amazed how he can say the same time that ds is his life and hie proud he is of him (and hie he is turning out thanks to him) whilst actually looking after him only 2 days in the week. Why on earth is your MIL looking after him???

I think your response is too soft. You are trying hard to acknowledge efforts that aren't there. Because getting up in the night and tidying up aren't huge effort. It's not even the minimum you would expect.
When the dcs were little DH did get up at night even thought I was a SAHM because in our books looking after dcs is just as tiring. BUT he isn't looking after his ds full time!!! He can have a nap during the day if he wants to. He can rest and put his feet up for the day.

Stop letting him getting away with it. Stop doing the shopping and cook. Stop looking for gas meter card. And give him back his responsibility with the clear intention that if he doesn't step up he is out of the door.

Don't know the back story but he seems very Me,myself and I.
You can apparently pat yourself on the back though (as it turns out) for wanting a baby.

I am metaphorically jumping up and down pleading with you not to send that. HE IS NOT A GOOD FATHER!! Life can and will be a lot better than this. Good question for you is "why stay". Accept he is never going to change. Really he won't. So why stay. Take the power back. It is your choice whether to do this anymore. NOT HIS CHOICE. If he is a good hanger outer with your son he will continue to do this when you live apart.