he threw hot chocolate in my face

[bloodynora]

This morning my partner lost his temper with me and threw a (paper) cup of hot chocolate at my face across the table. It hit me on the side of the head

The hot chocolate was lukewarm.

I am in shock. I actually have no idea what to do

sticky...and others. it takes a while to process sometimes...took me 6 weeks from my original post (on the "dog house" topic ) bnefore I acknowledged what was happening.

sometimes we never know the outcome...but for everyone who posts there is (at least) another who lurks and the good advice and reality check that you have all given here will hopefully benefit more than the OP.

And "why post"? well most of us didnt actually know the response would be LTB...in real life I mostly got asked what i did to provoke it and encouraged to "work" at it a bit more .

keep posting, it makes a difference and you may never know how much

and OP...scary as it is, life without him will be so much better fro you and all your family.

all the best

any no one is saying that isn't the case, it is sadly true and frustrating. But by questioning the point of the OP posting could be very damaging to someone who is going through extreme trauma such as this.

I hope you are OK today op, and please keep posting.

This may be the only supportive place the op has. If she had easy access to support in rl, the same as most of us, she wouldn't have posted here an neither would a lot of others. Mn would be dead. Of course all of is would rather never see anything like this posted but the Sad fact is that there has been and always will be.
I've posted similar myself and got advice, handholding, support, never criticism, it's the last thing you need when your life is shit and you need help or just a kind word

No one here ever told me 'told you so' even when I didn't LTB and then posted later on with more problems.

We can only support advise and handhold. Tis what we're here for
Op .. Unmumsnetty hugs .. I hope the advice and support help you to make a decision that's right for you and your dc x

Hey op has ever right to post and every right to ignore advice. But I wish I didn't read these posts because the idea that her kids are now unsafe which she sits there processing things about romantic love like a single woman makes me feel really sad and worried. I get it that op might not have wanted the relationship to end if it hadn't been for this, that she feels her decision is forced on her by his actions, that she feels vulnerable and ashamed. BUT she still has to act now to protect her children. That's why I wish I didn't read these posts because I had an abusive father who my mum stayed with because she couldn't bear the pain of leaving him but was prepared to put us through the pain of having to carry on living with him, and I hate her for that choice.

Thank you all for your input. I have read every post.

I am sorry if you feel I am ignoring your advice and that makes some people angry. I do understand the frustration, but I would ask you to pause and consider this from my perspective

Less than 48 hours ago my whole world changed. Not through any fault of mine, and with no warning. Honestly when I first posted it was not a , "lets post on mumsnet and then ignore what everyone says". It was a "OMG" feeling.

Hes not a danger to anyone right now. He's sleeping on the sofa, pretty contrite and aware that he has fucked up big time. That's now, whatever decision I make has to hold though, and I cant see how I can live with a man who can throw a cup of hot chocolate in my face. As someone pointed out, he doesn't go about doing that to others, so why is it acceptable to do that to me? And if anyone did that to his DD he would go mad (rightly).

There are a lot of logistics for me to consider. I work FT in a busy and demanding professional job. He is an out of work professional. He has been picking up a lot of the domestic duties and crucially, after school care, for me. I can arrange to pay someone for this but I need time.

He has more to lose than me. He will lose his home, his partner, his income, the respect of every single person I chose to tell about this, my kids (whom he loves), and the future we had planned together. I lose him (not a big loss from where I'm standing right now) and our planned future.

I actually think I will come to the right decision. I just need some space, and time to regain my equilibrium and make some plans

I do thank you for all your thoughts and kindness

Don't know what to say OP, but am relieved that you feel you can still write here.

OP. It is hard. It's hard and it's not fair and your world has changed through no fault of your own. It's scary to face up to going it alone, unpicking all the tangled strands of a relationship, having to be the strong one on your own for your DCs. It's devastating to realise the person you love isn't the person you thought they were. Anyone with an ounce of empathy can see why there is such a pull to want to believe the words of apology, the excuses of stress, to make allowances.

You sound as though your heart just needs to catch up with your head. It can take time to process and make the decisions that need to be made. Just make sure you don't take so much time that the shock and immediacy of what happened starts to fade and doesn't seem so bad - "well, it was just a one-off..." - with distance.

It sucks that you have to make decisions about whether or not to dismantle your life, and especially because you're not the one in the wrong. Please remember though that your children don't have the luxury of making their own decisions. They're relying on you to make the right decisions for them, not just to keep them physically safe but to set them the example of what a relationship should be. That's not fair either, that you don't just have the luxury of considering yourself. But that's part of being a mother, isn't it - having to do what's right for your children.

Take care of yourself, and good luck.

OP, you are doing great. It really isn't easy to jump to the "right" decision when your whole life has just changed in an instant. I was hit by an ex and apologised to him later as I was so desperate to get things back to how I thought they were, not actually how they were because of course I didn't know I was living with someone who would hit me. I stayed with him for a bit but knew things had changed and he was livid when he realised I had been secretly job hunting and had a live in job to go to. Idiot that I was (only 19/20) I did see him again after that a few times but as I grew in confidence I stopped that.

You must do what you want. What is best for you. Best for your children. But be true to yourself about your reasons and why if you do stay. If you do finish it, you do know it is the right thing to do and you will have unending support as you move on with your life.

If you decide to forgive and stay with him, there will also be support but no one will tell you you have done the right thing if they don't believe you have.

Remember to eat.

When you're world falls apart it is natural to cling onto what is familiar, even if it is disfunctional. I agree with an above poster that said that your heart needs to catch up with your head.
I am very worried about you. Please do not think that this man is absolutely no danger, he is doing what he needs to do so that he can stay. He has escalated from verbal to throwing things at you, and wll escalate more once the dust has settled. While he is still in the house he can talk you round/manipulate you therefore confusing you further and weakening you mentally/emotionally.
You might not be ready to talk about this, but my local DV charity was hugely helpful to me in giving me leaflets as to the practical steps to take to protect and extricate myself from the situation. Please consider contacting them.
Look after yourself ((((hugs)))))

"He has more to lose than me"

Yes he does and that is why he honed in on you in the first place like a bee around a honeypot; he targeted you specifically as a single mother of three. I have no doubt of that whatsoever.

Was wondering as well what you get out of this relationship anyway as you seem completely mismatched as people too. I would really like to know what needs of yours he meets here.

You were not put on this planet to rescue and or save others from their own selves. I do wonder if at heart you have rescuer and or saving tendencies when it comes to men because abusive men can and do pick up on that and exploit it for all its worth as he has done.

Fundamentally as well he has not changed, shown any remorse or understanding.

You really do not need him for after school care either; is he really the role model you want for your children?.

Heart cannot rule head here; the heart does not have a brain.

OP I know you need time and space to process. Be aware that he may try and change your (currently) secure status - he may propose, suggest you move to a joint tenancy, etc, etc. This will not happen straight away, and he will use guilt and emotional blackmail if you say no.

Make sure you do not become dependant on him. I'd sort out alternative child care anyway. He's probably claiming it's making it more difficult to find work anyway.

I remember my final straw. He made me the butt of a cruel joke. In public, in front of friends. After years of all sorts of unfaithfulness, financial crapness, being a barely there dad and useless husband, it was that final show of how little he actually thought of me that opened my eyes.

OP, the thing about abusive behaviour is that there is a process the abuser goes through. First is thinking about it. Lots of people have fleeting violent or aggressive impulses but they immediately dismiss them. The abuser moves to the next stage which is overcoming internal inhibitors - rationalising why this behaviour is ok or permitted. The next stage is to create an opportunity, then to overcome victims resistance.
If you look at where he is at, he's at the last stage. He's in the process of overcoming your resistance to his abusive behaviour by being contrite and pleasant. What this means is that next time the steps will be shorter. He's already decided (even unconsciously) that violence towards you is ok. He has acted on it without consequences and this will reinforce the belief that his behaviour is acceptable and you will tolerate it.
Basically, he will do it again.

Good for you OP. You are obviously very upset and you are getting your ducks in a row. You can decide either way but you have knowledge now and that makes you stronger and gives you more options. Do you know why his previous relationships ended?

You are right, it is very early days. Just watch out for his temper, if you see it escalating call for help.

one thing I would point out OP, you have half term coming up very soon. Is he your childcare for that? If so, you need alternative ASAP, I don't think you can go to work every day leaving them in that situation, particularly if you think he will be angry if he realises you mean it about your relationship being over. Is there a grandparent you can pack them off to for the week? That also might give you the mental space of not having to put on a brave face at work and home (for hte DCs) to actually deal with it.

If you need to take a couple of weeks to get both mentally and physically ready to throw him out, that's ok, but be aware you have a man who has now crossed that line in the house. Doing it a second time would be alot easier for him, particularly because other than sleeping on the sofa, nothing bad happened for him. Be very careful.

I'm glad that you're okay and that he knows how badly he has fucked up.

I think that people on here can be very quick to scream leave the bastard... (Which in a lot of cases is spot on, don't get me wrong.) but only you can decide if its right in your case.

Some people do move on from such things, some people can't, sometimes it's a drop in an ocean.

Once my DH (during a row) pushed me, and I have (again, during the row) both thrown a plate at him and pushed him.

We moved on. We have 2 children, we are in such a better place now. (And we were both mortified by what we did and how out of hand things got that we address things differently and never let rows escalate.)

I'm not saying this is the right decision for you, but I am saying that sometimes a hundred 'leave the bastard's get in and might not be what you want, and that is okay x

Sorry did I read this right? OP feels that he is unsafe for her to spend her future with but she leaves him to look after the kids on his own while she continues to go into work. Well you'd better hope he doesn't throw a hot chocolate in their face either because that would mean you'd allowed that to happen, and please face the fact that you can't be sure he wouldn't can you? See what I mean about already putting her kids at risk? OP if you think I am over-reacting please do call SS and tell them what has happened and if they think your kids ought to be left alone with him, not making that call? Didn't think so.

I see it as getting the victim to stop being a bloody victim and putting her kids at risk, getting up and throwing the little turd out and never letting him back in again, dusting herself down and getting on with her life, that's what I see it as. Oh sorry was I meant to say, take your time, you must feel dreadful, you poor thing, blah blah, uh that is victim talk and this woman is no victim, yet - unless of course she choses to stay. Victim blaming my arse.

Why would he lose his income if you guys split?

I think I would worry about his reasons for being with you tbh. He clearly has no respect for you. As well as being violent and dangerous, throwing liquid in someone's face is humiliating and degrading.

This is why i would never ask for relationship advice here anymore. The OP is in shock i should imagine, she needs to weigh up the situation and decide what she wants to do. She wants SUPPORT and help if she decides she wants to end the relationship, but she is being told she is putting her children at risk for leaving her with this man??

I am going to buck the trend and try and see both sides here - but state from the outset that what he did was totally and utterly unacceptable, but this is what i read.

• The op says they are under a lot of external pressure
• She said he threw the drink because she gave the cat food on his mum's saucer - she then went on to say that she broke the saucer? did he throw the cup before and after this? Now, if the MIL is still around then its quite a different story but i read this as the MIL had passed away? was this recent?

Now the OP has said a few other things about how he reacted etc that made me think that i would be wanting to leave this person. Only the OP can make this decision and i think people sharing their experiences are useful because it would be very easy to say he has only done this once, it was a one off as it is obvious from the posts that this is often not the case.

Monkeynuts - I threw a cup of tea at my DP, i also attacked him physically on other occaisions - i was quite unwell, i had PND and we are also under extreme stress. Are you suggesting I am not safe to be left with my children? Or is it different for women?
My DP isn't perfect, we had our issues - we worked through them, in our own way - we are in a good place now - we are happy.

I am not trivialising or excusing this man's behaviour in any way - he behaved terribly, whether they can get past it is for the op to know. As i say, she has said some things in later posts that make me tend to think that he is actually a shit and a bully but from one incident, i guess you have to take the whole picture into account.