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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

he threw hot chocolate in my face

308 replies

bloodynora · 02/02/2014 10:49

This morning my partner lost his temper with me and threw a (paper) cup of hot chocolate at my face across the table. It hit me on the side of the head

The hot chocolate was lukewarm.

I am in shock. I actually have no idea what to do

OP posts:
BuzzardBird · 02/02/2014 12:02

Has he apologized at all? I only ask this because my abusive partner never apologized and he got more abusive every time. This is a massive red flag and you need to do what you know you should do. Hindsight is a wonderful thing I know.

Please protect yourself Thanks

Logg1e · 02/02/2014 12:03

Buy yourself some thinking time, don't rush in to any decisions whilst you feel in shock.

But for God's sake, secure the house (leave a key in the keyhole if you that's all you can do) and leave his packed bag on the doorstep. I'd consider ringing the police (non-emergency) about this too.

What would happen if you did lock him out and leave his stuff outside?

Logg1e · 02/02/2014 12:04

Yes, what was his reaction? Where's he gone?

Original poster
bloodynora · 02/02/2014 12:09

he did not apologise. he walked out, He has taken DS bike to the bike shop - which is what he planned to do this morning.

I think this has been building up for a while. lots of little snidey comments at me - he never used to be like that.

I could leave a key in the door. or put the chain on.

I'm not afraid of him, though he is much bigger than me. I am afraid of his temper and how nasty he can be. mostly I feel sad. and confused. and worried

OP posts:
Logg1e · 02/02/2014 12:13

That's why I don't think there's any need to rush in to any decision, but I think it's vital that you don't let him back in to your house. This is a nasty, nasty assault and I think that there's a risk you can brush this under the carpet as a one-off, or a normal domestic argument when it's neither.

BuzzardBird · 02/02/2014 12:15

It's ok for you to feel "sad and confused and worried". It is not ok for him to attack you...either verbally or physically.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 02/02/2014 12:16

Sounds like you know the answer already OP Sad How awful for you.
But this is not a reasonable way for him to behave, even under stress.

Lweji · 02/02/2014 12:17

At the very least call the non-emergency police number or contact your local DV unit.
As he is living there, you can give him a 28 day notice for him to leave, then you can lock him out.
In any case, you should tell him to leave now and hope that he does.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/02/2014 12:34

I thought as much; he has been abusive towards you till now and this morning was a further escalation of that behaviour. He has been testing you to see how desperate you actually are to have a man around (these types hate women, all of them) and how much you would tolerate. Abuse like this is insidious in its onset and its drip, drip, drip. I think you were targeted by him; he saw you as a single mother and is probably a cocklodger as well.

This man must never enter your home again because if he does the violence and verbal abuse will further escalate.

Original poster
bloodynora · 02/02/2014 13:50

I went out to drop DS at a party. he came back in that time. He knows this is not acceptable and he is sorry.

I feel strangely unemotional. I don't believe him that he is sorry, or that he really thinks he has done wrong. I think he is saying what he thinks I want to hear. I have told him I want to end our relationship and he said 'whatever'. I don't think he believes me. I'm not sure I believe me

OP posts:
JonSnowKnowsNothing · 02/02/2014 13:56

It doesn't sound like he respects you on even the most basic of levels. When you've told him you want to end things, it's not words, it's just...noise to him. He's certain you don't mean it. That's why he's not in the slightest bit fazed.
Please see it through. No woman should EVER be in a relationship with someone who does what he did.

HopefulHamster · 02/02/2014 13:58

Throwing a hot drink is a particularly vicious thing to do. I know you said it was lukewarm, but it's the violence of the gesture, knowing it would shock, hurt, make a mess, all of it.

I absolutely could not get over that.

Even without knowing more about him, I really hope you can make him leave.

ohfourfoxache · 02/02/2014 13:59

He needs to leave - now.

Have you got anyone who could come over whilst you get rid of him?

It isn't safe for him to stay in the house with you and the dc

glasgowsteven · 02/02/2014 14:12

Why are people suggesting make him leave and gthreaten to phone police

Phone police

he will see you are serious, he will be banned by law from contacting you or being in the house

this will safeguard you

Phone 999 - get him arrested

MostWicked · 02/02/2014 14:24

it seems that this is the way he reacts when under stress

But I bet he wouldn't do it to anyone else, so why would he think it is acceptable to do it to you. It shows a complete lack of respect.

Logg1e · 02/02/2014 14:26

Glasgow the OP is not going to phone 999 because she doesn't appreciate the seriousness of the situation. Her Sunday already looks very normal - drop son off at a party, husband back in the house with a cup of tea, go on MN for a bit...

I think it's the little normalities which are very dangerous because, OP it makes everything seem surreal and in-congruent, as if you perhaps exaggerated or imagined it.

Surely you can't accept this as part of your weekend? Part of your relationship??

AnyFucker · 02/02/2014 14:28

He is a domestic abuser and now he has crossed a line it will get worse

Next time you may not be so lucky to be unhurt and your dc may get dragged into it

tell him to leave, today

muddylettuce · 02/02/2014 14:40

Tell him to get out and report him to the police, if he refuses to leave they will make him. Good luck. X

fiftyandfab · 02/02/2014 14:46

I have told him I want to end our relationship and he said 'whatever'.

Whatever!!!! I'd give him what fucking ever. I am angry on your behalf Nora. What a cheek...he clearly couldn't give a flying fuck and I'd not tolerate one more minute of him in MY house! Throwing stuff at me and making a mess...I bet I know who cleaned it up too. He has to go.

BuzzardBird · 02/02/2014 15:00

He is minimizing it now then? Get him out, next time it will be worse. Sad

Original poster
bloodynora · 02/02/2014 15:01

you are right - I did clear it up

I cant believe what is happening. i know I'm almost splitting - one art of me is carrying on as normal and the other is screaming that this is totally wrong. I dont know why I dont act. I dont know if I am scared

OP posts:
JonSnowKnowsNothing · 02/02/2014 15:05

This is not meant to sound unkind, I promise, but...
How have you got to a place in your life when someone throwing a hot drink at your HEAD does not make you immediately remove the perpetrator from your life? Do you really think so little of yourself?
Please, please don't dither until you've rationalised it in your head. "I did wind him up, I shouldn't have kept nagging at him" etc.
If the house is yours and you have no children you're in an incredibly fortunate position compared to many women suffering violence on MN.
Xx

BuzzardBird · 02/02/2014 15:08

He has not only assaulted you but degraded you. It is not surprising that you are feeling dis-associated. Do you have a friend who can pop around to help you sort your feelings out?

AliceinWinterWonderland · 02/02/2014 15:08

The OP has 3 children JSKN

BuzzardBird · 02/02/2014 15:09

She has DC's Jon this is one of the reasons she needs to get him out safely and with no drama.