he threw hot chocolate in my face

[bloodynora]

This morning my partner lost his temper with me and threw a (paper) cup of hot chocolate at my face across the table. It hit me on the side of the head

The hot chocolate was lukewarm.

I am in shock. I actually have no idea what to do

if you choose to stay you need to make this incident the push to change things. he needs to totally accept he has done wrong and take steps to change his behaviour. Books, relationship counselling, personal counselling.

You also have to accept that you will never feel the same way about this man as you did before. that is the tragedy of it. you will be anxious during arguments, sometimes scared to speak your voice, sometimes walking on eggshells. Your relationship is now changed beyond repair.

Only you can decide whether you think the cracks are worth papering over. because the cracks are still there.

Not that your story might escalate the same way, bit my first incident was a cup of (luckily lukewarm) tea thrown at me across the room. The next incident after that was being picked up and thrown across the front room.

The cup of tea incident always sticks with me because it felt ... humiliating.

It did /does feel humiliating. That is one of my overwhelming issues with it. I also have an issue with being told I disrespect his mother by using a saucer (that has been in our house for > 1 year) to place dried cat food on.

I did break the saucer, and I shouted at him, after he said that. It could be said that I lost my temper first. I did not throw anything , nor was I in any way violent towards him.

I do not disrespect his mother. On the contrary I treat her kindly and with consideration - I like her, and I support her when I see her. I enjoy her company and I have never said or done anything remotely 'disrespectful'. To tell me that I 'disrespected her;' by putting something on a former plate of hers seems a) to elevate her to the status of demi-god and b) elevate the importance of a saucer to ridiculous levels. Fortunately MIL is well; the external tress relates to my eldest child and to employment issues.

The "children" are 16, 13 and 9. Whilst I am well aware that young people can also be damaged by domestic violence, he is not violent to the children. He will not be 'childcare over half term' - I am on holiday.

I am concerned that I could never feel the same again. That I would, If I stay with him, be constantly watching for the next incident. That I will be worried to raise any irritations. That in short I have lost trust in him. If that IS how I feel, then it IS over, no matter what I want or hope for.

I thought his mum had died, or at least made that assumption based on his reaction to the saucer being used. It was the only way i could consider such a violent reaction to the saucer being broken. :(

How have things been since yesterday OP?

What has he done to reassure you that you wont have to feel like that in future - remember that it is him that needs to be jumping through hoops now, not you. To be honest, thinking about how he behaved afterwards it rings alarm bells. He behaved like it hadn't happened to start, which COULD be assigned to him being mortified, but he only really showed any regret after you challenged him again. That doesn't look great does it, he seems to feel his reaction was justified.

On paper he might have more to loose but its only theoretical if he believes you won't kick him out.

You have now become his outlet of choice for venting his anger and acting out his frustrations. This is a very dangerous position to be in because once this honour has been bestowed upon you its a difficult mindset to shift because it's far too damn convenient for him.

The hot chocolate incident is shocking but the unease this man makes you feel has become the norm and set against that context it's hardly a LTB offense.

This is it, there will plenty of days when this dark side of his personality doesn't show but there will forever be a feeling of unease in your bones waiting for the inevitable next time.

If you choose to stay (maintaining the status quo is a choice all be it a passive one) at least be honest about your motives. Its difficult admitting that the man you love and have shared so much with, doesn't value your feelings and isn't really bothered (beyond the superficial token words to get you to STFU) about your pain, fear or well being.

He's escalating and unfortunately it takes something very decisive and or dramatic to halt this train. So bite the bullet and get off now, don't wait for the stations marked slap, kids witnessing violence, SS involvement, ambulance called or undertakers. By hurting you he's already hurt your kids, they just don't know it yet.

LEM thank you for your thoughtful and considered post

Yesterday we barely spoke; although we did manage to sit in the same room. I am working today and my mother is with the children. I will need to (try and) talk to him later.

Trouble is I have no idea what to say. I am angry, sad, disappointed, humiliated, anxious. I think he thinks an apology is enough but it SO is not.

I would tell him that his behaviour was completely unacceptable and the way he has made you feel is absolutely disgusting considering he is supposed to love you.
You wouldnt do that to someone you love.
Because of his behaviour, you dont feel you could ever trust him again and see no way forward through all of this. Which leaves yous with no other option but to go your seperate ways.

I really feel for you nora :( He should be the one feeling aprehensive and not knowing what to say. You say he is not working just now? That must be rubbish for him, is he taking his frustration out on you? I know this the first time he has done anything physical but has he been verbally or emotionally abusive? I know it is rough being unemployed, especially an unemployed professional but he needs to not take this out on you. My gut feeling is that he needs to leave for a bit to allow you to figure out what you want to do. Also HE needs to decide what he wants, because continuing as he is, is really not an option. Anyone can say sorry - he has abused your trust and made you feel that you need to walk on egg shells, it is his job to assure you that this wont be the case, not you having to "go on" at him to seek this assurance.

It's the humiliation that's awful though isn't it. For me it has proved a deal breaker apart from all the other emotions and feelings, rights and wrongs of a situation.

I think that is what you are struggling with, you've mentioned it again and again...humiliation. You trusted someone, you trusted that your future was bright with a trusted partner and now that trust/future has been torn up. Now other people will know and it won't be easy for you to tell, but they will know HE is inadequate/aggressive/childish/unreasonable.

I'm afraid he has no respect for you as, like others have said, he would not have done that to anyone else. And to start a row about his mothers plate is just bizarre and ridiculous. And very immature. He's too volatile - no excuses. Don't risk your children's well being, he won't be worth it.

He is being apologetic and contrite now because he thinks it is the way to get you to let him stay. After the incident and he'd gone off and calmed down, he wasn't sorry judging by his "whatever" response.He has only changed his tune because you said you would end the relationship.

Also notice how this came about when he was the one at home and you seemingly rely on him for childcare.

Whatever you do, never become dependent on this man.

My ex was also dependent on me, but he still physically attacked me.

Hi Nora. I too have been in a similar relationship. When I was 18 my ex hit the bottom of a glass I was drinking from 'as a laugh'. When I was 20 he pushed me over whilst pregnant. At 21 he kicked me in the stomach, wearing boots, a couple of months after I had a c-section. At 28 he tried to strangle me.

This is how escalation occurs. I thought I couldn't leave. I too by my mid 20's was in a professional job, earns more than him blah blah blah. I felt bad that he would have less if he went! I believed I was mad, a bad person etc. he convinced me from age 17. In the end I left! He stayed in the house I was paying for! You will be pleased to know I sorted it out eventually! But I thought I was being unreasonable, he said I owed him!

As outsiders we see the warning signs, too many people have already been there and don't want this to happen to anyone. When you are in the middle of it you are blinded and confused with emotions.

You say he is unemployed. Would he take/apply for a non professional job, ie cleaning/shop work just to bring cash into the household? Or is that beneath him because he is better than that?

Take care and keep posting.

I cant thank you all enough for the support. (apart form one!)

he is away for a couple of days (preplanned) on a job, Give me some breathing space.

He is adamant that it will not happen again, that it will not escalate, that to think that he would , for example, hit me is ridiculous.

I smashed the plate (not deliberately) but because I was angry, does that mean my behaviour will escalate and next time I would smash it over his head.? He says I am overreacting because of the past (my exH was very aggressive to me)

This is called minimising. And I guess he is still blaming you for 'making' him throw hot chocolate at your face. And I guess he's not exactly sorry and trying to gain your forgiveness. He just wants you to shut up and stop making a fuss.

What's important here is his reaction. He doesn't think he did anything wrong. It was justified. You deserved it. In his head.

I think you said you've been together 3.5 years. Do you really think it should be this difficult? A relationship should be a source of joy and support. Not sadness and humiliation.

"He is adamant that it will not happen again, that it will not escalate, that to think that he would , for example, hit me is ridiculous".

But he did hit you, with a cup of hot chocolate. It was a deliberate act on his part. He still feels he was right to do that to you.

What do you get Nora out of this relationship with this man?.
What needs of yours are being met here?.

Nora - the only acceptable level of violence within a relationship is NONE. Yes, none. He crossed that line and I would think that since the get go he has gradually and over time ramped up his abuse of you, likely starting with verbal abuse and silence.

Inadequate and inherently violent all say such words, they really do. It's all part of their script. He thinks that if he keeps quiet for now, goes away for a couple of days on a pre-planned job and give you platitudes, you to him being the mug, will keep him in your life out of some desperation on your part to have a man around. He really does think that little of you.

I would agree with the previous poster about you minimising now. He using your violent ex as some justification for your own actions is a new low in a sea of lows that is your relationship. Its not going to get better.

Nora

We had a similar situation nine years ago only it was my husbands daughter who threw a glass in my face. It was full of squash. It blacked my eye and made me feel so humiliated.

What triggered it? Being told that we'd take her to her university interview and open day but we wouldn't go into the interview WITH her because the university wouldn't think that appropriate (she was 19). She exploded.

She then overturned the table and husband had to physically restrain her (he is trained in this) because she just lost it. We had to tell her that until she apologised she couldn't come round anymore. Husband continued to meet up with her, taking her out for dinner etc but it took her 3 years to apologise.

All I wanted to say really was that I totally get where you are coming from and that it is not so simple as to 'chuck him out' and people who expect you to just do that have no idea about what this takes and the stages you need to work through to get there if that is what you decide.

Hello again Nora I am glad you're still posting.

He says I am overreacting because of the past (my exH was very aggressive to me)

That is his theory is it, so what compelled him to fling a paper cup of liquid at you?

And btw I doubt he had the time to consider how hot the drink was, or wonder might it scald you, or go in your eyes. Not exactly measured, thoughtful behaviour, and a wildly disproportionate response to at worst, a domestic faux pas.

My ex threw something at my tv and chipped it. I was blamed for his outburst, and like your OH he promised it would never happen again. He also always told me "well at least i dont hit you like your ex did".

I believed it wouldnt happen again. It didnt. But he was very slyly manipulative.
He woukd put me down and plant negative seeds into my head, and then make me believe my thinking was warped. Anyway...he never changed, he just changed his ways to being more sly.

Anyway, 3 years later and i was a shell of myself, cut off from family members...believing i had done it myself (i hadnt).
He turned on my children and was threatening to smack my 10yo dd in the face (she wasnt his).

I am sorry, but i believe he is just worming his way back. He night never do it again, but i dont think this is the end of his awful behaviour.

Now SS wont allow him around his child, or my other children.

His mindset is set; it wasn't a big deal, you were partly to blame and why arent you over it. Congratulations, you are now 'his person of choice' to vent and act out his frustrations. There is nothing you can do or say that will change his reasoning, except wait until the next time that you go on and on and on or you slight him in some other way.

I broke up with Ex when he grabbed me by the throat, I didn't want to but it was significant enough to compel me to do something, but I was secretly waiting to see a flickr of remorse and I would have relented instantly. Instead of remorse, there was a joke about me needing a straw to eat a meal because my jaw was badly swollen from where he knocked me to the ground 12 hours earlier. That was the first time I acknowledged the minset; it wasn't a big deal, I was partly to blame and why wasn't I over it. This man was arrested and convicted and sent to prison for two years for a later attack on me and has been in therapy for three years and he still is in denial about what he did. Ex isn't a bad guy (there were only ever two acts of aggression with a 14 month break in between) but he doesn't take responsibility for his actions and I was 'his person of choice', a dangerous combination which nearly led to my death.

Op you are worth so much more than this, your children are worth so much more than this and I believe that you will soon see this more clearly than you do now, stay safe.

OP I am glad that you are still posting.

I hope you're feeling in a bit less of a whirl and can start to think a bit more clearly.

It's great that he's gone away for a couple of days. Use this time not only to THINK but also to remember YOU. Who YOU are. The ideal you, the mother of your children, the unique person you are who has a duty to herself - as we all do - to work towards being happy, functioning, enjoying life, getting the most out of it.

What kind of future do YOU want?

Finishing this relationship and going it alone - possibly temporarily, possibly permanently - is no doubt a very daunting prospect, and a sad one, when you felt that you had the setup you wanted.

However I think you know that that is far far preferable to living - no, existing - with a relationship which has had the soul ripped out of it.

My personal opinion is that that has DEFINITELY happened. Not just because of the incident, but because of his response. His reaction, confirmed in your last few posts, would absolutely confirm to me that this man isn't a good person.

A good person who had a moment of madness would be DISTRAUGHT. Him: sorry's enough, it's not that bad, you are overreacting.

You aren't overreacting: what he did was violent, frightening, and most of all a HUMILIATING act which showed utter contempt for you. That says more than words ever could. I couldn't IMAGINE the lack of human feeling I'd have to have for someone before I could throw a drink over them. The thought of even having to witness such a thing makes my toes curl with embarrassment and horror. And a drink doesn't have to be much more than 'lukewarm' drinking temperature to burn. He could have burned your face. Easily. There was no safety valve which stopped him, although we all know without having to think about it that if you eg poured drinkable tea over your hand, you'd be yelping in shock at the heat.

A good person who had a moment of madness would absolutely understand how you feel now. It is SIMPLE. It is OBVIOUS. Someone has attacked you. The person supposed to be the one who cares for you has been violent to you. YES you fear it could escalate. YES you lose trust in them. Um, what on earth is there to debate in that?!!
Him: you are 'ridiculous' to think like that.

What does this say? Well, for a start it isn't ridiculous - look at the other stories on here - the evidence says that it's pretty bloody likely that a person who thinks it's ok to attack someone and that he hasn't really crossed a line will in fact continue to become more abusive. It's not even the having done this once, it's the dismissing it. THIS is what should tell you, in red blaring klaxon letters, that THIS ISN'T A GOOD MAN.

A good man could conceivably act violently under great stress, yes.

A good man could NEVER, in the cold light of day, sneer at his shocked partner that it wasn't so bad. That she was being 'ridiculous' to suggest that he might hit her. That she was overreacting.

You say your fear is that you have lost trust in him. I hope you have - it is the sensible and logical way to feel. I do not believe that you would be able to have a happy, relaxed, truly positive future with a man you don't ultimately trust or feel is a good person - living together, having sex together, seeing him parent your children.

You have had this man in your life for 3.5 years. 42 months. That is nothing. If you do nothing else, take a step back and try and get perspective on that - think of other relationships and how life felt when you were inside them and how you moved on successfully. You can most certainly do that. The bigest shame in all this might be that you allow fear to stop you taking positive choices - to want BETTER than someone like this. To want a BETTER life than always feeling crap about the person your partner is.

He is at work today. He uses someone elses mug to make himself a drink. It is the bosses mug, a gift from his deceased mother. Your husband breaks the mug. His boss throws his paper costs coffee cup in your husbands face for breaking his dead mothers cup.

Is this acceptable?

The boss had a bad day, very stressed, just lost a large contract. Is it acceptable?

OK - so he has said that to think the he would hit you is ridiculous. Maybe it is - maybe he would never do that. But its not about him hitting you (yes of course there is that worry, but lets not think about that for a moment) lets just think about the lack of respect, the hair trigger reaction and the fact that he threw potentially hot liquid over you. Is he not mortified about this? Is this acceptable - no it is not acceptable.

Like i say, i have done this - i was mortified, there was a reason(s) but i sought help to overcome this. My DP was LIVID as you can understand, I could see the rage tip the scale and he walked away so that he didn't react. I was immediately sorry and apologetic - but i was not well - it wasnt an excuse, but it was a reason. That was just part of a whole lot of shit that was going on at the time - i imagine that this incident wasn't out of the blue, everything fine then it happened, he is clearly on the edge or has a hair trigger temper that he needs to learn to control.

He IS minimalising. I think its difficult to say about the intent to harm with him throwing the drink, you say it wasn't hot? Would have have still thrown it if it was hot - i can't promise that when i did it that it would hve made a difference

So yeah - he chucks a cup of cold chocolate over you - once, no big deal? but what about the shouting that no doubt went with it, what about the rows? The talking to you like shit?

You need to talk - i don't think you necessarily need to leave, or make him leave but unless he is willing to see that there is a problem and the problem lies with him, its not looking great :(

I found that carrying on to live with the man who had hit me was worse than the actual hitting. I was worried about setting him off again and was constantly on edge and unable to stick up for myself. I left within the month. I was only 19 which was hard but thankfully didn't have children with him.

He says I am overreacting because of the past (my exH was very aggressive to me)

That's everything you need to know about him.

He is violent towards you and when you respond to his violence by considering ending the relationship he is not remorseful (it took him days to apologise) but just expects you to forget all about it.

Then he tells you that you are overreacting to object to a man living in your house throwing things at your head.

And then he uses your abusive past to blame YOU for your reaction to his violence.

No.

Just no.

I can't wait until you tell this prick to sling his hook.