There have been so many things that make me uncomfortable including calling my middle son a "bloody idiot" and picking on him, being unkind.
He emotionally abuses your son.
This started because he said I disrespected his mother by putting dried cat food on a saucer that belonged to her. It kind of escalated from there. I shouted t him. He says I was "going on and on".
You do know that is an invented, batshit insane issue, designed to demonstrate his control over everything you do, and to destabilise you and make you live as a supplicant, constantly appeasing him in your own home?
I have really just had enough of paying for everything. form haircuts to him mothers birthday gifts. He things getting a 'job' is beneath him - and will make him unhappy, yet its not beneath him to live off me.
He is a cocklodger you are supporting financially because he thinks he's entitled to your money. Entitlement is one of the big factors in abuse. He thinks he is entitled to your money, so he also thinks he is entitled to your obedience... and to hit you, in time, when he can be confident the golden eggs will keep being laid.
Previously he has thrown things but not at me. escalation?
Yes. You know this. He is an abuser, it's written in neon letters ten feet high.
Have you thought of contacting Women's Aid and asking about the Freedom Programme? You are so used to being abused, and treated badly, that you are normalising his behaviour. Read what I've just quoted and ask yourself if this would be good enough from the partner of one of your children. Then ask yourself why it's good enough for the man who is acting as their father?Sweetheart you are not the only one who is being and will be abused here. You really, really do need to protect your children from this. You did it over your abusive ex - you can do it again.
Please call 101 and ask to speak to a domestic abuse specialist, and also call Women's Aid. You deserve help because I suspect your past abuse has made your boundaries, and willingness to tolerate more abuse, lower than they should be and you deserve them to be. He saw you were vulnerable and moved in. That's what some arseholes do. It is not your fault and you shouldn't feel guilt or shame - he should. You aren't the abuser here. But please take steps. Please. You're a mum, as well as a human being with a right to be treated with respect. You have to protect the kids as well as yourself.