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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

he threw hot chocolate in my face

308 replies

bloodynora · 02/02/2014 10:49

This morning my partner lost his temper with me and threw a (paper) cup of hot chocolate at my face across the table. It hit me on the side of the head

The hot chocolate was lukewarm.

I am in shock. I actually have no idea what to do

OP posts:
Original poster
bloodynora · 03/02/2014 17:00

he has now said sorry. and that it was wrong. and bad. and pathetic.

I still do not think I can get past it

OP posts:
wontletmesignin · 03/02/2014 17:01

He will say the things you want to hear. He doesnt mean it. You really cant get past it. It is too big of a risk. Lock him out.

msrisotto · 03/02/2014 17:01

Took him long enough to make a pathetic apology. Don't let him think that makes anything ok.

expatinscotland · 03/02/2014 17:01

He could have potentially disfigured you for life and/or blinded you. Don't wait for a next time, because it might well be one of your kids. They need to be first before any man or relationship.

expatinscotland · 03/02/2014 17:03

You told him to leave. He is still there.

AnyFucker · 03/02/2014 17:12

This is your house

Would you let any old abuser live in your house with you and your children?

Because that is what he is. You cannot separate the man from the abuse. He has shown you what he is, and is apologising now because he finally realises he crossed a line. If you had STFU initially though, he would have had you thinking this was your own fault. Is that OK with you ?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 03/02/2014 17:15

we have been under a lot of strain recently for external reasons.

it seems that this is the way he reacts when under stress.

Strain and stress are no excuse and even if they were, none of it has lifted since yesterday evening has it, (in fact things are now worse), so there is no guarantee he will act any differently.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 03/02/2014 17:21

What happens the next time he thinks you're 'going on and on' though?

Or the next time you do something 'disrespectful'?

The next time he loses his temper?

Logg1e · 03/02/2014 17:58

I don't think he's doing it intentionally, but he is finding your limit and learning how to grind it down. You have got to show that this stops now, you have to protect your children.

dramajustfollowsme · 03/02/2014 18:25

My dear aunt was in an abusive relationship.
Her shit of a husband did all sorts of things over the years.
We first were alerted to the abuse when he threw a plate of pasta at my gran, her mum.
She didn't leave. He continued the abuse towards her and eventually her children.
She lost custody of her kids before she managed to get out.
The relationship between herself and her children has been damaged beyond repair. She is a shadow of her former self.
He eventually died because of alcohol abuse. The effects of his abuse are still and will forever affect our whole family.
Please, do not let this happen to you.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 03/02/2014 18:26

FGS. No. You SHOULDN'T get past it!!

I wouldn't!

Nobody with any sense would!

You're thinking THE RIGHT WAY!

Hold onto that.

It is OVER.

Of course you're sad. Of course! This has been a terrible shock.

But you are thinking the RIGHT WAY.

He's gone 'temporarily'? Why?!

Lock the doors. Pack his bags. Stop thinking about it - the damage he's managed to do to you - you are afraid of him! - is working against you. You've coem to the right conclusion, the one that will protect your children. Lock the doors, pack his bags. Come back here for support. You'll be ok.

Pickofthedocs · 03/02/2014 18:48

The way you are feeling now will heal sweetheart and be replaced with relief and even more strength and something/ someone better.

If you let him stay then he will be scratching the scar of this wound open time and time again.

Pls hold on to that braveness and get locks changed. Check your insurance policy. If you say you've lost your keys you may be covered to get it done?

Good luck x

Fairy1303 · 03/02/2014 18:51

This is not ok.
You know that.

You do need to split from him, but (as someone who has recently left a horrible abusive man) - you need to reach your limit first. You will know when you hit it. It will come though lovely, you can't stay with this man.

X

Lweji · 03/02/2014 20:13

Think about this, the next time it may well be in front of your children. Or to them. Where are you going to draw the line?

monkeynuts123 · 03/02/2014 21:01

She's going to stay with him and put her kids at risk. I hate seeing these posts.

AnyFucker · 03/02/2014 21:08

Yep. Every one I read I hope the right conclusion is reached. So many of them don't. It is depressing, that is for sure Sad

Fairy1303 · 03/02/2014 21:12

I can't take it anymore,
even though I've been that poster with people almost shaking me telling me to go.

Now I've gone and seen the light, I want to do the shaking.
No woman deserves to have to be with someone like this.
And every minute they stay is another minute of her life, and her children's lives wasted.

He will never change, sweet.
You deserve more.
we all do.

stickysausages · 03/02/2014 21:13

Why post in the first place, when you know the replies will be LTB, before he puts you in hospital... or worse.

DontmindifIdo · 03/02/2014 21:14

Look, ley's not bully the OP, she's had a hell of a 24 hours.

OP - if he won't leave, you are going to have to get RL help, please please don't put your pride above yours and your DCs safety. Talk to someone, anyone in RL. Just tell one person to start with. baby steps. You don't have to do this alone - noone will think badly of you, only him.

Lweji · 03/02/2014 21:14

I think there is hope, but not before it gets worse. :(

stickysausages · 03/02/2014 21:15

What I mean is, why post, then ignore all advice.

Lweji · 03/02/2014 21:20

OP, do not let pride take priority over your safety and your self esteem. If anything, if you dump him now you can be proud of yourself that you didn't let it go further.
If you stay he's likely to erode further your self esteem, and then you'll be even more ashamed to admit it wasn't the first time he abused you.

This is the best time to get rid.

I heard this on a "The good wife" trailer: "You know the problem with bad people, is they use the arguments of good people."
He says the words, but he doesn't mean them. It's just what he knows you want to hear to keep you until the next phase of the cycle.

livingzuid · 03/02/2014 21:22

stickysausages could you be any less sensitive? It's a cry for help, trying to rationalise the unrationaliseable, seeking an answer and underneath it all hoping against hope that you've been wrong all those years, you aren't a loser despite being repeatedly told so and maybe there is a shred of hope that you can escape.

Posting on a forum could be the very first step to freedom. It might be pack bags time in that hour, it might take a year or longer, but it was one of the first steps towards a long term escape plan. And then comments like that put someone right back. Who are you to query that?

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 03/02/2014 21:24

You can come back here anytime, OP.

This is the most difficult time.

It will take time for it to really sink in that the person you've loved and trusted is a bad one. You're only just starting out here.

AnyFucker · 03/02/2014 21:24

Nobody is bullying OP. it is the truth that we see women on here staying time and time again when it is clear they should leave the relationship

The thing is, nobody ever says "I told you so" when they come back. The door is always open, OP, if you are not ready to finish it yet. But you will be, soon I hope x

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