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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

he threw hot chocolate in my face

308 replies

bloodynora · 02/02/2014 10:49

This morning my partner lost his temper with me and threw a (paper) cup of hot chocolate at my face across the table. It hit me on the side of the head

The hot chocolate was lukewarm.

I am in shock. I actually have no idea what to do

OP posts:
HelloBoys · 05/02/2014 13:54

If he had apologised and said it wouldn't happen again I would be tempted to give it another go.

BUT as Join says he then says you're overreacting and sensitive because your ex-H was violent in the past. so to me (and to most rational people) that so negates everything else (think I've got that right). How dare he make excuses for his behaviour by bringing your past into it?

so I'd say LTB

LittleWhile · 05/02/2014 14:19

This is abuse. Assault. Be very clear about that. A similar incident happened to me with my ex, one Christmas Eve, three weeks after our wedding. I stayed. Abuse escalated steadily over the next ten years, until I did leave. (Later on it developed into sexual abuse. This is common as the abuse is about power.) It cost me my sanity, my dignity and my self confidence. Men who do this sort of thing do not change. You should consider what happened as a warning. It will happen again and it may be worse next time. Report the incident to the police and even if you do not press charges this time, get it logged with them as an incident. Ask to speak to an officer who will be able to advise you about your options and seriously consider a restraining order. I urge you to take action now and nip this abuse in the bud, before it gets to the point where you or your children are in real danger. For me, this was 18 years ago and I am still suffering with the trauma. Don't allow yourself to be a victim too.

DontmindifIdo · 05/02/2014 14:27

OP - the first time your exH was violent/aggressive towards you, did you think it was a one off and there was a reason for it?

Logg1e · 05/02/2014 20:03

He says I am overreacting because of the past (my exH was very aggressive to me)

This takes the fucking biscuit.

  1. It takes the heat off him and his assaulting you and starts to put the blame on you.

  2. A normal man would be absolutely disgusted with themselves, seeking help and trying to demonstrate their remorse.

  3. I'm worried that your reaction wasn't a steely, quiet, "I beg your fucking pardon?".

FunkyBoldRibena · 05/02/2014 22:24

He is adamant that it will not happen again, that it will not escalate, that to think that he would , for example, hit me is ridiculous.

Well he isn't going to tell you anything else, is he? If he can't control his coffee cup then what is going to stop him throwing other things at you? Including his fists.

Would the shame of having a permanent scar from scalding hot drink on your face be worse or better than the shame of kicking him out?

I've been there, my ex walloped me and I got out the next day. We had a mortgage. It's not easy bit it's a damn sign better than being a sitting duck.

tribpot · 05/02/2014 22:35

If you were in a relationship with someone who had had an aggressive and unhappy relationship previously, and you loved that person, wouldn't you go out of your way to make sure you didn't repeat the frightening behaviour of the past? I'm not saying that anyone who gets together with a victim of domestic abuse should have to walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting them, but you'd want to minimise the similarities to previous relationships. If you loved them, that is.

CrabbyWinterBottom · 05/02/2014 23:12

It sounds to me from your last few posts that you know deep down that there's no going back from this, and that you just need some time to fully realise that and end it.

You know that what he did is unacceptable, and that if he's blaming you for it, he's likely to do it again.

Cutitup · 05/02/2014 23:21

When you crumple up a piece of paper and then try to make it flat again, it never really is properly flat and unblemished again. The creases are always there.

I guess it's how you deal with those creases. Some people see it as a sign to never act that way again. Some people go on to rip that piece of paper to shreds.

The OP will need to decide what she thinks her partner is capable of and what he is willing to do.

qazxc · 06/02/2014 09:00

OP, I hope you are OK and using these few days with him away to try and make sense of things.
Do not let him try and confuse you by making out you are overeacting/crazy/responsible for his behavior/just as bad as him, this is not your fault.

Original poster
bloodynora · 06/02/2014 09:26

I'm ok. Its peaceful here at the moment, but I cant sleep. My mind is working overtime trying to slot pieces into place. I believe he is hoping that we can just move on, but I dont WANT to. I WANT to be heard and my anger humiliation and disbelief acknowledged.

Part of my problem is that the 'reason' for his outburst seems so ridiculous. There are some things I know would annoy him , just as there are somethings that would upset me, make me angry. you know, little things. One tries to adapt to ones partner so you both respect the others way of doing stuff. I never ever saw this coming. So what else might set him off that I have no idea of? My exH was totally unpredictable - but then he was snorting cocaine - and the anxiety of living with that has never left me. If I had shagged another man, his response - although wrong- would not seem SO disproportionate.

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 06/02/2014 09:30

we have been under a lot of strain recently for external reasons.

Are you able to expand on that without outing yourself?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 06/02/2014 09:32

I think this has been building up for a while. lots of little snidey comments at me - he never used to be like that.

Something has shifted since you got together hasn't it.

Quinteszilla · 06/02/2014 09:35

So are you going to continue this damaging relationship while you ponder the situation some more, and wait for enlightenment to strike?

I cant imagine what external stress could cause a loving partner to throw a drink of hot chocolate in somebody's face.

Are you really willing to walk on eggshells and see what he does next, or how long it will be until the next thing?

LEMmingaround · 06/02/2014 09:51

Donkeys - its not for me to answer on behalf of the OP, but she has said in previous posts that he is an unemployed professional. I imagine that this could be the "thing" that has caused his change? I could be wrong. Maybe there are other factors, unemployment can = financial difficulties and that is a time bomb right there. (i speak from experience). So yes, his reaction was completely disproportionate to what the OP actually did "wrong", however it could have been a straw that broke the camels back scenario. NOT that I am excusing his behaviour in any way at all.

The problem with that explanation is it doesn't change anything for the OP because the man isn't stepping up and recognising he has a problem in the first place. He needs to hold his hands up and say "look, im sorry, i am feeling under pressure because.......please help" He isn't doing that - maybe he is embarrased? Maybe his head is in the sand? Or maybe he is just an arsehole.

If i was the OP, i would be expecting him to get help, this is what happened to me, i was reacting violently to my DP, he wasn't perfect by a long way, but i recognised MY problem and sought help. Over time, we have managed to put that time behind us and we are happy. I don't think my DP was ever scared of me, scared FOR me, but not scared OF me - the OP feels uncomfortable and scared around her DP, that is not good.

The thing is, he will be wanting this to go away now - that was on Sunday, whats done is done etc. Yes, it can't be undone but he CAN take steps to reassure the OP that when he says it isn't going to happen again (i don't know how he can say that!) it wont, and he will get help or demonstrate his sincerity.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 06/02/2014 10:44

What I was driving at was, it wasn't out of the blue was it. It's been building up. He can pretend all he likes it was a one-off but that means squat.

Joysmum · 06/02/2014 12:32

If you both wanted to move on from this, you need to be as sure as you can be that it won't happen again.

That means being sure that he fully understands how serious this was. That he fully understands how to break and chain if events before this can happen again (learning how to prevent). That he fully understands that this will have scared you and you will never forget it and always have doubt about him. Unless all of these things are fully understood and accepted then what hope is there?

LEMmingaround · 06/02/2014 14:36

Yes, i agree with you Donkey.

qazxc · 06/02/2014 14:38

I used to walk around on eggshells, thinking that if i did this and didn't do that he wouldn't be angry. The problem is that the goalposts used to move all the time (he once broke 2 of my ribs for "breathing", I assume too loudly, whilst asleep).
The mental damage was far worse than any of the physical stuff, and took a lot longer to recover from.

Bekindtoyourknees · 06/02/2014 15:17

OP, I don't know if you have DD's, but imagine them coming to you for advice in the same scenario. What would you suggest they do? You are someone's DD too. I hope you can find the strength to end this relationship.

mammadiggingdeep · 06/02/2014 17:34

Sending Flowers...listen to your heart x

MaryWestmacott · 15/02/2014 16:51

How are you doing OP?

Original poster
bloodynora · 23/02/2014 21:27

thanks Mary

It has taken me a few weeks but today he left my home.

I have put the chain on the door

As some of you summised it was a lot, lot worse than I admitted in my original post. He has become bullying, sarcastic and frankly nasty to my two eldest children. He is not earning anything at all, and has not since we met. So I have been paying for everything. I am in shed loads of debt.

I feel very fragile and vulnerable. But I think I have done the right thing

Thank you for your support

OP posts:
EirikurNoromaour · 23/02/2014 21:30

Yes, you have definitely done the right thing.

sus14 · 23/02/2014 21:33

Well done. And you are in a strong position as its your house. I had various drinks thrown at me over the years and ended it recently, just before you. He keeps reappearing but my resolve is stronger by day, having the space away really helps to clear the head.
Take care and here's to a better future. X

Lweji · 23/02/2014 21:35

You may be feeling vulnerable but you have shown how strong you are.

Well done indeed.

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