he threw hot chocolate in my face

[bloodynora]

This morning my partner lost his temper with me and threw a (paper) cup of hot chocolate at my face across the table. It hit me on the side of the head

The hot chocolate was lukewarm.

I am in shock. I actually have no idea what to do

he is on the sofa.
I have asked him to leave today and he said he would.

I don't know if mean it. Its very hard to make your self break a relationship you don't actually want to lose.

And I don't understand why I don't want to lose it. If you had asked me I would have said that this would definitely be a dealbreaker, every time. But now its here - I just feel weak and sad and devastated for myself and the youngest DC who loves him, I cant stop thinking about all the plans we had that I will not be able to do alone-

just so sad

It sounds lie you are struggling letting the dreams and hopes of the relationship go.

What you need to focus on is the reality.

It is of course your decision what you do but is giving him another chance just delaying the ending until things get even worse and harder to get out of?

I doubt if the plans you thought you had as a couple are the plans FW had in mind. He's just been reeling you in.

If the Hot Chocolate Incident hadn't happened yesterday, you'd be looking back in 2, 3, 5 years wondering why you are still in a weird, dysfunctional and controlled relationship.

Gather your self respect, Nora. He's mocking whatever boundaries you have tried to set yourself. What will your actions say to your DD about relationships? That it's ok to roll over, belly up, to keep a shit of a man?

Make some plans of your own, and for you and your DC. You don't need an abusive FW to have plans with.

Honestly, no-one is better than anyone.

Nora you deserve better but your kids do too.

nora we are all here to hold your hand.
Please try to stay strong.
Imagine your little family with no tension or worry that someone is going to object to petty, made up 'transgressions'. If you do not stay strong today, you will be back in six months, a year saying that he punched you, or worse, one of your precious children.
The time to act is now.

YOu are precious, strong and independent.
You are a mother
You do not need this in your life
You CAN do this

But if he loves you as much as you love him Nora he can seek help. His actions will prove his salt won't they? You didn't break this, he did.

nora, it is hard. No one would deny that. It's easy for us to sit at our keyboards and tell you what you should do, it's much harder to be the one actually having to do it.

There is something peculiarly horrible, though, about having a drink thrown in your face. Not just for all the awful reasons already mentioned, but because it's a move designed (imo) to humiliate you. Please don't minimise this. This is not something that you can 'get past'. He has to go.

You are not responsible for his behaviour, but you are responsible for yours. He is pushing at your boundaries, seeing how far you'll let him go. The next time he'll try something worse, no doubt about that.

You have the chance today to ensure you never feel this bad again - take it.

I can't think what plans you might have that could be realised with a man who could do this to you and your relationship. He's destroyed your relationship, you are protecting your children.

Stay strong.
You do not need a man like this in your life. Most DEFINATELY not in your dc's life.

OP, I have a nearly 9 year old ds. He would be extremely distressed if this happened to me, and very confused if I then tried to minimise it. You are doing the right thing - however much your 9 year old loves this man, he needs to know that lines cannot be crossed, and that you will always protect yourself and therefore them.

Please try to make this real by talking to someone in real life. You're in shock but minimising it will not help you to heal.

There are no plans in the world that are more important than you and your DC being safe in your own home.

Stay strong OP

Seconding tripbot.

My 9 year old still remembers when exH attacked me, from 3 and 2 years ago. One time he started hitting his dad. He was 6 then and I had already left. ExH denies everything to this day and DS gets very upset that his dad is a liar (his words). It will get worse as he grows older, I think.

But he knows that behaviour is not acceptable, and that's what's important.

FWIW, I have been there. It seems a small thing, but it will happen again and it will get worse. The only regrets I have is of not leaving earlier.
You will be ok. It is hard now because the relationship is ending, through no fault of you, and you are grieving it, at the same time as putting an end to it. But it needs to be done for you and for your children, who, because they are not his, are even more at risk of becoming targets too.

Well done.

Yes, this is why it is hard, because when it happens it isn't some hypothetical black and white seeming scenario, it's the person you've loved and trusted, it seems crazy.

You WILL be ok. More than ok, coming out the other side of something like this will make you understand that you are stronger than you ever thought possible. It will give you the knowledge that in times of crisis you put your children first.

I've never heard ANYONE say they regretted leaving, only staying.

You will be ok.

Please seek RL help.
Is there a close friend or family member you can confide in?
Domestic violence organisations have leaflets that were hugely helpful to me.
Remember always It isn't your fault and it can (and does) happen to anybody.

And... have you managed to tell anyone?

Please do.

Not only will it help you, it will PROTECT you. If he knows you have made this public... he is far, far more likely to go without fuss. If he thinks you are keeping his secrets - it will be a sign to him that this is still negotiable.

You don't want him to start rying to change your mind, with all the potential for anger and a situation in front of your children that that entails.

Tell someone if you can, and let him know that you have. Better still, tell him that you are reporting the attack to the police.

just read this, stay strong op he needs to leave,

I hope you are feeling okay, this is so unnacceptable.

My abusive ex loved to throw things. He threw a vacuum cleaner down the stairwell of our flat and broke it. He threw his dinner, his clothes, anything in his path when he was in a rage. He once picked up a carrier bag containing a dirty nappy and flung it repeatedly against the kitchen wall during a meal - that was a particularly unpleasant clean up job.

Eventually, the rolled up rug that he'd grabbed from behind the door was hurled across the hall. It hit our 2 year old and knocked her against the door frame. Once he'd ascertained that she was ok, he justified himself by saying it was for me.

Obviously I left after that, but after seven years of the constant ups and downs and drip drip of insults, name calling, shouting, spitting and storming out (not to mention the odd kick, shove, neck squeeze, thump etc) I'd had enough. Believe me, it WILL get worse. Your dc may adore him but don't underestimate the effect this will be having. I went from f/t work to two years as a single mum on benefits to try and right some of the damage done to my dc from witnessing/hearing this shit from her revolting arsehole of a father.

Please get him out of your house.

OP - stay strong and get him out of the house. Then don't let him back

I have seen a friend's carpet where she tried to get stains out, after the male she was with went ape - it was a permanent reminder. An ugly incident involving two very normal people, nothing outwardly wrong - but the first step on a chaotic slippery slope.

nora snidey comments, throwing a drink at you, he's going to keep upping this please don't freeze and let this wash over you.

I think my problem is that intellectually I know a) this will get worse and b) I will not 'get over' this in my heart, so the relationship is over already. Emotionally I am miles behind. I just cant face it

no-one knows in real life. I am too ashamed to admit this to anyone. Again I know intellectually this is not my fault, but emotionally I feel that it is/must be

DS doesn't know he threw the chocolate at me, by the time DS came down I had wiped my face ad he thought the cup had spilled

Thank you for your support. I feel very alone and very very fragile. I think he knows that which is why he has not left

OP - please get in touch with someone in RL to help you. Speak up, get help. If you can, get the emotional bit in a box (compartimentalise?) and let it catch up once the rational part of you later.

This has all the signs of dragging on with him testing you mean what you mean.

If this is your house in your name etc, you need to be very steely and definitive. Tell him unless he's not out by 3pm (so he's gone by the time the kids get in) you'll be calling the police. Sound angry is you have to but you need to make it clear your aren't standing for having your chain yanked.

If you have anyone in re life, call them in for reinforcement.

You need to tell him that how he behaves now could have an impact on both of you long term. Has he even considered getting help for his temper? This would show that he wants to make it work.

...and what I mean by that is that if he is not leaving because he believes you should put up with that kind of behaviour then he has no respect for you and doesn't really care about you.