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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

he threw hot chocolate in my face

308 replies

bloodynora · 02/02/2014 10:49

This morning my partner lost his temper with me and threw a (paper) cup of hot chocolate at my face across the table. It hit me on the side of the head

The hot chocolate was lukewarm.

I am in shock. I actually have no idea what to do

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/02/2014 15:12

she has dc's but they are not this abuser's dc

Pickofthedocs · 02/02/2014 15:12

Please have this man leave ASAP. Have been on MN for seven or eight years and don't comment on that much. The 'whatever' insulting reply is indicative of his not caring. Get him out for your kids sake and do not hesitate. Have you got family who can help get rid? Sorry but he is dangerous.

Original poster
bloodynora · 02/02/2014 15:18

I have 3 dc's but they are not his children

I don't know how I have got to this place, you wouldn't think I was this weak if you met me.

I'm so distressed inside but I don't seem to be able to act.

He says he didn't mean to hit me with the cup. This started because he said I disrespected his mother by putting dried cat food on a saucer that belonged to her. It kind of escalated from there. I shouted t him. He says I was "going on and on".

OP posts:
DottyboutDots · 02/02/2014 15:18

If you were going to get him out of the house today how do you think you could do it safely?

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 02/02/2014 15:19

I think you are in shock.

I also think a part if you is trying very hard to fool itself. The bottom line is, however, that you have just been assaulted very nastily by a man who is now in your house, in your family and is having care of and is influencing your children.

'He knows it's not acceptable' - there is a difference between a man who knows violence is NOT acceptable and who therefore isn't violent, and one who IS violent, but when he calms down whines that 'he knows it isn't acceptable.'

The latter type is one you want nothing to do with.

DottyboutDots · 02/02/2014 15:19

He has no excuse. Literally nothing. Do not listen to his rationalisation.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/02/2014 15:20

They all say that rubbish and they are all abusive.

You should not be anywhere near this man, let alone your children.

Why are you still together, has he made you think you are nothing without him?. What do you get out of this relationship?.

CalamityKate · 02/02/2014 15:20

Bastard.

My ex did similar - I was standing, holding a hot cup of coffee in front of me and he lost his temper and darted towards me and slapped the bottom of the cup upwards with the clear intention of it going all over me. It did but luckily for me it wasn't quite hot enough to do any lasting damage.

He never got any better in fact he got worse and I left him about a year later.

LTB.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/02/2014 15:22

The only acceptable level of violence within a relationship is NONE.

That's yet another line he has crossed.

Denial is a powerful force granted but you cannot afford to minimise or deny what happened today. Doing that does you a huge disservice.

He has no right to be in your home; the fear, shame and embarrassment you feel should be all his. It is not your fault this happened to you.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 02/02/2014 15:23

So it's your fault?

Another huge red flag. This man isn't shocked, appalled and sorry at his behaviour. You said that already, to be fair. It WILL therefore happen again.

Your children are not his. You need to think about protecting them.

This is domestic violence. This is how it starts.

It is NOT your fault and nothing you personally could have chosen to do would have stopped HIM throwing a potentially still hot enough to burn drink in your FACE.

In your face, ffs!

Please start thinking about reporting this.

BuzzardBird · 02/02/2014 15:24

Come on bloody you need him out. I told you my story and Calamity has re-iterated it in her own story. This will not be a one-off now he knows he can get away with it.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 02/02/2014 15:25

Please stop making excuses for this man. Now he has abused you once he has made it easier, and more allowable, to abuse you again. It will escalate.

If he doesn't believe it is over, you have to make him believe it. If it is what you truly want.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 02/02/2014 15:26

You "disrespected his mother" by putting cat food on one of her plates? FFS, how much of an implausible excuse is that to throw a hot drink at your head?

Love, it's completely understandable that you are in shock now - but you've told him you want to end it, and he's completely ignoring you. What does that tell you??

DottyboutDots · 02/02/2014 15:26

Can you get any big blokes who could be handy with wrestling him out of the door good friends to casually pop over and then whisper to him to pack and leave while they are there?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/02/2014 15:28

"I don't know how I have got to this place, you wouldn't think I was this weak if you met me"

You to the outside world give the impression of being a strong and capable single mother of three but you at heart were perhaps lonely and wanted a male figure. Abusive men pick up on such inherent vulnerabilities exploiting those within their chosen victim to great effect. Abusive men like supposedly "strong" women to take them down, to punish them for being them. These men hate women, all of them.

You were targeted by this inadequate person; he honed in you and has abused you ever since. It was an error of judgment to have ever let him become resident in your home.

A call to Womens Aid may well help you - 0808 2000 247.

JonSnowKnowsNothing · 02/02/2014 15:32

Oops, apologies for thinking you had no children - was getting mixed up with another thread, i think.
Don't even know where to start on his "reasons" for his violence. Except to say he's a major cunt. And Attila has it spot on wrt men going for outwardly strong women to drag them down and break them.

kotinka · 02/02/2014 15:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/02/2014 15:33

Like the stage hypnotist, abusive people are somewhat selective when they go looking for a victim. Abusers often strike when their victim is already weakened by a stressful life event. People who are dealing with the death of a loved one, divorce, illness, or financial problems may be especially vulnerable to an abusive person's charms, especially if the abuser approaches them with confidence and charisma. At first, it may seem like this charming person is the answer to the victim's prayers. The abusive person has all the answers and reassurances that makes the victim want to hear. Trust builds, which then leads to intimidation and confusion.

Before too long, the victim starts doing things the abuser's way in an effort to keep the abuser happy and appeased. He or she stops listening to friends and family. More worrying, the victim will also stop heeding his or her own common sense, because the hypnotic abuser has them second and third guessing every thought they have or decision they want to make. Like a cult member, the abuser's victim will surrender his or her will in favor of the abuser's will. Loved ones will soon find themselves on the outside, anxiously looking in. Meanwhile, the abuser distracts the victim with more stress and doubts, using threats, trickery, and doublespeak to maintain control.

Chipandspuds · 02/02/2014 15:36

I think you need a real life friend or family membe, is there anyone that you can tell? I think by telling someone in real life, it will make it seem more 'real' and they will be able to help you.

For me personally this would be a deal breaker.

anniepanniepears · 02/02/2014 15:43

bloddynora I think you have to have a serious think about this and decided what you are going to do
this is not normal and he needs to accept the fact and at least make a genuine apology to you
do you think you will accept this behaviour and live with the threat of it happening again

Lweji · 02/02/2014 15:45

I have started to think that strong women often get sucked into by abusers because they don't notice how little they care about them, because they can cope well by themselves, but also because they think they can handle these men and make them better.

Lweji · 02/02/2014 15:46

In this case, you show your strength by admitting you made a mistake with him and recognising to yourself you can't cope with him. And tell him to go.

CandyJournal · 02/02/2014 15:48

BloodyNora - You need to leave this man, what he did is unacceptable and degrading as others have also said, I myself am a victim of abuse (not physical) if you let him get away with it this time, he will keep on abusing you. Stand up for yourself and tell him to leave, no talking over things!

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 02/02/2014 16:15

Regardless of everything else the fact that he replied 'whatever' when you told him you wanted to end your relationship tells you what you need to do.

I think you know what you want to do next, you just need to gather your strength together and do it.
Good luck.

Lazyjaney · 02/02/2014 17:26

"Regardless of everything else the fact that he replied 'whatever' when you told him you wanted to end your relationship tells you what you need to do."

That, in a nutshell.