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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

he threw hot chocolate in my face

308 replies

bloodynora · 02/02/2014 10:49

This morning my partner lost his temper with me and threw a (paper) cup of hot chocolate at my face across the table. It hit me on the side of the head

The hot chocolate was lukewarm.

I am in shock. I actually have no idea what to do

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/02/2014 13:05

Getting "help for his temper" would only be of benefit if he is throwing hot chocolate at everyone's head. His mother, his boss, the waiting-on staff, his bank manager, that bloke built like a brick shithouse that would turn round and punch his lights out right back

He's not ? Then don't bother suggesting "anger management" or any other such self-denying sop to an abusive man,

ouryve · 03/02/2014 13:05

If he's looking like he's not going to leave, you need to contact someone who can be with you, so you're not alone with him. If you are even slightly scared that he won't go quietly, please call the police. He thinks he has nothing to lose. He's already blamed you for what he did.

turbochildren · 03/02/2014 13:06

hei Nora,

i just read your thread. it is hard and sad to split up, even if the person is abusive. but please remember the blame or shame is not yours. no-one on here will think so, and in rl I would steer well clear of anyone who would dare to put the shame on you. it feels like it, but it isn't. keep telling yourself, and keep reading.
As it's your house please just change the locks. your children may love him, but imagine the effect on them when his mask slips and they are there to witness it. it will be heartbreaking and it will happen.
You owe him exactly nothing. log this incident with the police 101, and if he causes trouble trying to get back in the house they will be flagged up if you need to call again.

it's hard, but in the end it's worth it. it really is.

stickysausages · 03/02/2014 13:10

Just saw you post, so sorry OP. It doesn't bear thinking about how much worse it could have been, or what it might escalate to if he stayed.

Hope he leaves without a fuss, and you have support around you Thanks

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 03/02/2014 13:13

It is very doubtful that he will leave just on your say-so.

He won't want to lose the relationship or his comfortable home - he's not the one having to climb into bed with the person who flings stuff in his face, after all...

What he will VERY VERY likely do is do his UTMOST to manipulate you into letting him stay. Not by intimidating openly - he wouldn't be so stupid as to push you over the edge right now. He knows he's on a knife edge.

What he will do is use any means of persuasion and manipulation to get you to roll over. Poor me. Let us try again. I'll be homeless. I didn't mean it. I'll get counselling. I love you, you can't give up on us. You're mad. You're totally overreacting. Just one more chance. I didn't know what I was doing. Etc.

And he knows you. He will be able to SMELL your confusion and vulnerability right now. He's going to use it to the max. His aim will be to get to stay in your home, stay fed, stay watered, stay housed, stay serviced.

PLEASE tell someone. That's what will shoot him down. If you can't speak to friends, PLEASE call 101 and speak to the DV officer.

It might be that just letting him know that you've done this will beat him - he'll know his number's up.

It might be that he continues to hassle/avoids leaving - hmm, what are you going to do, FORCE him out of the door with no bag? Not likely - in which case, you can get a police officer to come round and MAKE him leave.

Please think about this.

wontletmesignin · 03/02/2014 13:24

Yup. bruno has said everything. Completely right.

Dont fall for any of it. Just remember what he has done. It is so easy to sweep it under the carpet, as that is all he is aiming for right now.

monkeynuts123 · 03/02/2014 13:27

I had this same experience. I left. he tried VAST abuse once the relationship was over and was a first class knob. You have to leave him now.

monkeynuts123 · 03/02/2014 13:34

You have to know a few things for sure

  1. The next time will be worse and could be your kids
  2. He is not the person you thought he was.
  3. You are not losing a good man, you are getting rid of a bad man
4, The only reason you feel weak and fragile is because you have been abused. This is the first step in breaking you down.
  1. The only reason you haven't thrown him out is because your're in shock.
  2. Get someone you love to throw him out for you. Get locks changed. Move on.
DontmindifIdo · 03/02/2014 13:42

My advice is to start with telling someone, anyone, in real life. Family, a friend, anyone. Once you've told one person and seen their reaction that they don't see it as your fault or that throwing a hot chocolate is a reasonable response to putting cat food on a plate that used to belong to his mum, it will be easier to tell others. Do that now, call/e-mail/text/FB message one person who knows you and tell them. Cut and paste from your OP into a message to someone you know right now and see their reaction.

If you are 100% certain your relationship is over logically, you are still in a limbo, eventually people will ask why you split up, and in your case, it would be perfectly fine to tell them the truth, he threw a cup of hot chocolate at you because you put dry cat food on a plate that used to belong to his mum. Anyone you tell that to will think that a) you are completely right to get rid and b) he's fucking mental - that's an insane reaction. No one will think you are wrong to get a man that unstable out of your and your DCs lives. There will be no public humiliation for you, only sympathy and "what the fuck?!" type reactions, no one will think badly of you.

Tell someone now. Stop it being a secret your and your 'D'P share. It will make everything else easier.

Lweji · 03/02/2014 14:06

Seconding all the advice to tell people in real life, particularly your close family.

You should also be packing his stuff, so that he can leave today.

However, legally, you should give him reasonable notice to find alternative accommodation. Do it in writing and send an e-mail or text, something you can show he has received it.

You could get rid of him sooner if you report the chocolate incident and ask for an injunction.

Original poster
bloodynora · 03/02/2014 14:08

Im just broken. I really cant believe he did that. And worse, he's not on his knees begging forgiveness. He's just keeping a low profile and expecting me to forgive him.

I could forgive, but cant ever forget. And now I am afraid of him. I want him to go, but he has no where to go.

I know if I tell someone it will make it real and I am afraid of the consequences.

OP posts:
wontletmesignin · 03/02/2014 14:10

You have no reason to forgive him, and you should never forget what he done. Another classic sign of an abuser. They do something wrong, and you are expected to say sorry for it!

HansieMom · 03/02/2014 14:10

It is not your problem he has nowhere to go. He is an adult, he is on his own now.

expatinscotland · 03/02/2014 14:15

You really need to think of your kids here. They are more important than any man, especially one who is abusive.

It's not his house, kick him out.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/02/2014 14:18

You've already taken the first and hardest step to tell someone - you've told the MN relationship forum. Now you need to take another baby step forward and start talking to the authorities about him. If he had done that to any of your children you would have reported him, you are no different. He is a real danger to you and your children - he is no decent father figure to them either.

He will hit you again, perhaps not tomorrow but he will hit you again. This is what these men do. The cycle of abuse is a continuous one and he's already been verbally abusive towards you already prior to the hot chocolate being thrown at you.

He will not beg forgiveness from you because at heart he thinks he has done nothing wrong. Also you have not booted him out so he knows that you've tolerated this abuse from him yesterday on some level. He smells your desperation and emotional pain and is lapping it up. That's another line he has successfully crossed with regards to you. All he has to do is sit tight and give you platitudes and false promises; he will say just enough to keep you hooked right in there if you do not get rid of him now.

Where he goes is of no concern of yours, you just need him out as of now. I would agree with Bruno; he won't go on your asking or say so.

You sound co-dependent with regards to him actually, putting his needs before yours.

You have a choice re this man, your children do not. Do you really now want them to grow up within a home where violence has featured?.

wontletmesignin · 03/02/2014 14:19

I would ask him to leave again. If he refuses just say ok,or whatever you said before. Then tell him you are popping to the shops and phone the police asking them to remove him.

ENormaSnob · 03/02/2014 14:21

Put your kids first.

Kick the abusive fucker out.

No where to go? Tough shit, not your problem. Your kids need to be your concern.

BuzzardBird · 03/02/2014 14:21

Well if he's not even sorry then he doesn't even care about you, let alone love you. Time to call 101. Get that loser out of there.

hellokittymania · 03/02/2014 14:32

Tell him to leave!

I'm glad it wasn't boiling hot. You were lucky, this time.

DontmindifIdo · 03/02/2014 14:43

But it is real. You know it happened. Make it public. Even just one person. Just one person to support you, just one person so this isn't something that's between you and him, but something is known outside of your relationship. Someone to stop him thinking it can just go away, because once you've told one other person, it's not just you he has to convince it is an ok thing to do.

It doesn't matter he has no where else to go, he'll find somewhere, he'll have a friend who'll offer him a sofa for a couple of nights, there are flat/house shares, he'll ask around and it's amazing how quickly you can find someone with a spare room if you make an effort to find one.

He will be fine if you throw him out. You might be ok if he stays, but you'll never be able to trust him.

Tell one person. Just one. Doesn't have to be family, a friend.

OvertiredandConfused · 03/02/2014 14:49

OP I know this is so hard. I understand that you feel broken. But he threw away the future you had planned when he threw the hot chocolate at you.

Ending this won't get easier. It will chip away at your self esteem and confidence. You deserve better than this. Your DC deserve better than this. That's the reality, not what you thought it was.

I am sorry this sounds harsh. Please talk to someone in real life - show them this thread if that would help. Then throw him out. Today. He isn't even begging forgiveness. This wil get worse.

Pickofthedocs · 03/02/2014 14:53

Nora I really feel for you. Enough to say this guy doesn't love you. Truth be know be probably doesn't like you. Maybe even hates you. He is jealous of you. His feelings are not nice ones.

Please don't worry about a grown man having no where to go. His problem. If you put up with it you are also teaching your son that it is acceptable behaviour (esp towards women). The man is showing how selfish he is. You are not being selfish by asking him to go. You art putting yourself first. Not sure if exactly the same but what about Natalie Cassidy and that guy she took back again and again. I believe she's finally got rid.

Sorry to have been so blunt!

Thinking of you! X

glasgowsteven · 03/02/2014 14:54

I could forgive, but cant ever forget. And now I am afraid of him. I want him to go, but he has no where to go.

I know if I tell someone it will make it real and I am afraid of the consequences.

If you are afraid - phone the police

Phone them anyway

on 999 they will arrive before 4 pm prob earlier

he does have somewhere to go....He will go to a police cell

and if he has no address to be bailed to then he will be remanded in prison until trial

That will focus him

Original poster
bloodynora · 03/02/2014 14:55

I don't think I can bear the shame of making this public. This was supposed to be my happy ending after a very unhappy marriage to an abusive drug addict. I really believed this man was different. I thought he cared for me.

OP posts:
wontletmesignin · 03/02/2014 15:00

You dont need to make it public. Tell the police.
You do need to make him aware that this behaviour is unacceptable and will not be tolerated by you.

Most people like him, once being forced out, then go on to claim they are the victim. So please, dont be afraid to speak out. People will help you. People who yoi can draw strength from.
Rather than just him, sucking every ounce of strength right out of you!